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I get very jealous and don't know how to handle him contacting BM

MrsMurdock's picture

I'm recently married, recently a stepmom, never met the kid (husband hasn't either), never met the ex but I get so freakin jealous when she calls him all the time demanding money and just general chit chat! I can understand that this is all new to the both of them, the kid was born in December but I can't help getting angry when she calls him and texts him!

I know I'm the one in the wrong here but how the hell do I deal with this? I understand they'll never get back together she's a crazy one but I can't help but be jealous everytime her name comes up in conversation or sometimes the kids name.

Advice would be wonderful!

MrsMurdock's picture

They've established paternity and it's his kid. He's never met the kid because they live in Missouri and we live in Utah and he's been unable to fly out due to her not wanting him there.

We have received court papers today establishing visitation and he's been given four separate days a year to see his own damn kid which is beyond ridiculous so he'll also be paying more than $500 a month for a kid he's practically not allowed to see!

I just get very jealous that she's given him something I may never be able to give him (I have fertility complications and suffered a miscarriage last month) I just get very very jealous right now regarding this whole situation and really don't know how to be the bigger person in this.

QueenBeau's picture

IMHO, I say ignore it. Tell our DH you only want him talking to Bm about kid emergencies.

Honestly? Seeing the kid 4 days a month, your DH may lose interest soon.

How long were you engaged before marriage? If the kid was born in december... when did he & BM break up? Seems too close for comfort...

SMof2Girls's picture

4 days a YEAR, not a month ..

This really seems like an ideal situation to just check out of. Tell him it bothers you, and ignore it. I don't see any reason why he needs to be kept in the loop .. he's not doing any parenting.

twoviewpoints's picture

Right now, Mrs.M they are communicating about the child because they have to. What you don't have to do is all the negotiating that been going on between BM/her lawyer and DH. I really hope your DH called to see about a lawyer to help protect his rights as a father today.

The calls going between BM and Dh should be about the child. How baby is, if everything is medically ok. Those type of things. These are some of the things that as co-parents of a child they will have to do to some extent if DH goes on to decide he wants to play a role in baby's life. Being long distance will require somewhat more text/email/phone than if they were in same area and could discuss briefly at like exchanges.

I don't know how to advise you to help with your jealously. I can understand why it exist so right now. You've barely gotten to really know your husband (what like seven-eight months), a very recent bride and *boom*, a baby is discovered to be biologically your DH's child. That's a whole lot to emotionally cope with. You know Dh loves you yet you've not been secure long enough in your new life with Dh and as wife to really feel comfortable. Here's this lady who suddenly is calling your husband and presenting him with child...something you surely weren't expecting just a couple months ago.

MrsMurdock's picture

We can't move to MO Because she's in the Military and will move around so we can't follow her around the world for the next 18 years, me and husband discussed this I was fine with moving our entire lives to MO for him but he doesn't want to do it as she could get orders any day and that wouldn't be fair on us. Plus he's just got his new job and he's really enjoying it, they've just promoted him and are thinking of promoting him again in the next month which he's excited about! He doesn't want to loose that and have to try and find a new job in this economy while he's already worrying about paying child support.

The visitation is going to be very hard as my partner is scheduled to work every day we've been given for visits, he'll have to take the day off before and the day off after as we'll have to fly out to Missouri to see the kid between the hours of 10am and 6pm on that given visitation day. If I was rich this situation would be so much easier.

MarselleB's picture

I agree, what the heck does she need to call. Especially if it's only 4 days a year, and the child support can go through the court. You need to talk to him, and tell him how you feel. Sounds like a big mistake to begin with. Possibly he can talk to her about giving up his parental rights, that way she can move on and do what she wants, and you guys can get on with your life. With that much distance it won't ever work, he'll merely have his checked garnished every month to some child he'll never know or bond with.

Sorry but it seems like she is using the child to get as much money as she can, of course you should be upset, but be honest and talk to your dh about how to approach all this.

oneoffour's picture

She has a new baby and I suspect no one where she is living. In the military AND with a child? Are you prepared for this child to maybe one day live with you two? What happens if she is stationed overseas? Does your DH get his son? As his father is is quite possible.

Sadly this is what happens when we jump into a relationship straight out of another. So he broke up with her and immediately found you and marries you. However this child does exist and he does owe the child support and/or a relationship.

First, he has to stop taking her calls. Or at the very least minimalize the contact. Pay the CS because it is a fact of life. Take those holidays and travel to see his son. This is a fact of life.

Now the way I would go about this is deal with the financial outlay. It isn't going away anytime soon. If the mother asks for more money the answer is no. However if she wants a break she can send the child to stay with his father and forgo the money.

And then he needs to spend all his time building your lives together. Not chit chatting with his ex. I suspect there is some degree of guilt there. He left her and then she has his child and he 'owes' her. But he certainly needs to stop the chitchat. However it is a difficult balancing act between staying in touch so he gets access to his child and keeping a respectful distance.

I would ask him to restrict his conversation about their child and not mutual friends or their past.

Orange County Ca's picture

In addition to the above advise you should see a professional counselor. You've taken three major changes in your life, new husband, his baby and your loss for which I'm sorry to hear about. Its natures way of ending a pregnancy when the infant could not live in our world and certainly not your fault. Still its very difficult for you that's clear. Most women go on and have perfectly healthy babies so don't despair.

I think you'll find a good counselor more than helpful to you. Take your husband with you and within a couple of months the counselor should have worked a few miracles. If not switch counselors as more than a couple of months of weekly visits should have finished whatever help s/he'll be able to give.

Rags's picture

My condolences on the loss of your little one. That on top of the "Surpise you are a step mom" drama would be very tough on anyone.

You have been given some great advice in the above discussion of your situation.

I would suggest that your DH invoke direct payroll with holding of his CS from him pay check and his employer transfers the CS money to the MO CSE office. That way any call from BM regarding money can be answered with the same answer every time. "Call the CSE office if you have not recieved your CS yet. It is taken out of my paycheck directly." No money ever goes directly to BM. Only CS is paid and that goes to the CS enforcement office directly from payroll. DH may be on the hook for half of any medical costs not covered by insurance. He should pay those only when BM submits them in the appropriate manner which should be defined in the CO. If it is not defined in the CO then DH should stipulate that she send him a written request for copies of the receipts within X time of the expenditure. (Say 60 days). If she does not do that then she forfeits that money from DH unless she wants to go to court over it.

End of money discussion with BM. Period!

4 days a year in visitation? No! Have your attorney shove this back up BM's ass and put her in her place. DH should go for customary and reasonable visitation with his child for an NCP in an interstate visitation situation. I would suggest that your DH demand that each party pays to transport the kid to their location. You and DH pay to get the kid to you for visitation and BM pays to get him from Utah to Missouri at the end of visitation. That is how our CO dealt with visitation travel costs.

Our situation when SS was a baby/toddler was that he visited his Bio Dad's clan 6 weeks in the summer, 10 days in the fall (Sept/Oct), 1 week in Dec/Jan, 1 week in the spring. They came to get him and we went to Sperm Land to bring him home. Upon occasion to save money they would ask if my DW wanted to fly with him to start visitation and the Sperm Clan would pay for her ticket. My ILs live close to the Sperm Clan so this was not an unreasonable offer. Or they would offer to buy a ticket for one of DW’s family to fly to Texas to visit us and bring the Skid back to start visitation. If they had been reasonable preceding those requests we would do it as well as split the cost of a round trip ticket for the kid with them. If they had been toxic, we forced them to buy a separate one way ticket for the kid and a round trip for one of them to come pick him up. Once he was old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor we paid the fee when we put him on the plane to Sperm Land and they paid the fee when they put him on the plane to return him home.

These things can be fairly smooth or they can be difficult. My suggestion is that if BM is not reasonable that you put as much of the difficulty as possible on to her.

MarselleB's picture

So she just had the baby in December, has your dh talked to her about giving the baby up for adoption? You said she's in the military and moves around. And she got pregnant a week before they split up, so this might be best for all. Just wondering if that was a option considered, and who is taking care of the baby since she is in the military. Or was she trying to get pregnant knowing they were going to split up? Especially if she keeps calling and bothering him, sounds like the ole baby trap to me.

MrsMurdock's picture

Unfortunately the baby was a trap and she has always wanted to be a mom so when my husband advised of adoption she flipped her lid! As horrible as it sounds my husband didn't want a child with her at all so it's just unfair on him. She came off her birth control a month before they split and told him this after the baby was born. It's just not a fair situation all round. He wants to be a good father and visit ect but I don't know how he's going to do it with us living here and her living there. She asked why he couldn't move out there and live with her.... she crazy or what?!?!?! He was like wtf? no I can't move out there since you're probably going to move again with the military whats he going to do? Follow her around the world? Ummm no!