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I Finally Made my Husband Move Out - I'm DH and SD Free!!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone:

 

If you all go back and read my last post about my situation, you’ll see how horrible it was.  You can find it at “Unappreciated Step Mom- Over It!

 

Well, I’m no longer in a relationship with my DH.  We are separated.  I made him move out at the beginning of June.  Because of all that has happened, the issues with his daughters, major mini wife issues, guilty dad issues, never putting me first as his wife, putting the WANTS of his ex wife and daughters before me, emotional abuse, doesn’t communicate, gaslighting, has pushed me physically, he just got his 6th DUI, etc. 

 

His kids were coming to stay with him for the summer and I finally put my foot down and said, no, you haven’t shown me change so you have to find your own place with them.  Then you can show me and prove to me if things are changing.

 

The first weekend without him living there was soooo hard, I cried and was so depressed but it’s gotten better.  Some days are better than others but I’m feeling stronger. I’ve been working on myself.  Reading, meditating, focusing on my work and my daughter (26 years old), found a new love of Yoga.  So again, doing ok.

 

The thing that hurts me though is that I’m upset that he isn’t showing me different, isn’t fighting for me or us.  Is still the same. Very stubborn, prideful and full of ego.  I feel that because his daughters are here now and he has his own place to live why would he fight for me or us? He has everything he wants, right?  Because of this I feel so used and taken for granted and discarded.  I really thought that he would change and step up.  I mean, if he said he loves me and knew that he’s on the verge of losing his wife, who was so good to him and his children and was there for him and them, to divorce that he would show me different.  Well, he hasn’t.  I’m shocked and hurt.  Maybe it’s my pride and ego or maybe it’s just because I have a right to feel that way.

 

Has anyone else who mustered up the strength to remove themselves from step HELL, gone through this?  Where the dad just doesn’t care, come back, etc.

 

Do they eventually regret it? 

 

I have a feeling once the kids go back to their mom at the end of summer, that’s when he’ll realize but who knows.  It’s just not right.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal?

 

P.S.  I thought to myself yesterday.  Why are we still married?  I’m not benefiting anything from being married to him. Not financially (I support myself, do well for myself and always have), we have no joint assets, not emotionally, not spiritually, not intimately, not supportive wise.  NOTHING.  So why do I even care right?

Gimlet's picture

I know some of our members who have left will comment, so I will keep it short.

Because of all that has happened, the issues with his daughters, major mini wife issues, guilty dad issues, never putting me first as his wife, putting the WANTS of his ex wife and daughters before me, emotional abuse, doesn’t communicate, gaslighting, has pushed me physically, he just got his 6th DUI, etc.

This is your husband.  This is who he really is.  People can change, but it is an IMMENSE amount of work and they have to want to do it for themselves.   This guy can't manage to not drink and drive after getting caught 5 times, he doesn't strike me as the type to engage in any self-reflection or improvement, and will just continue to bring chaos and misery into your life.

I hope you are working with a therapist to get support and to start to understand the patterns in your own life that have lead you here.  You deserve better than this.

tog redux's picture

Yes, I agree with Gimlet. Your husband is clearly an alcoholic and can't change his behavior even though he's likely facing prison time, I assume? He's in denial about lots of things, not just his drinking.

Don't take it personally that he isn't "fighting for you".  But continue with asking yourself why you are married to him and what you are getting out of it, because that's the biggest question.  Even put SD aside - do you want to continue to live with an active alcoholic?

futurobrillante99's picture

I left my XH2 after less than 2 years of marriage because his adult and delinquent sons came before me and he was clearly using me financially, was abusive on every level except laying a hand on me, and never loved me - only how he could use me.

"I really thought that he would change and step up.  I mean, if he said he loves me and knew that he’s on the verge of losing his wife, who was so good to him and his children and was there for him and them, to divorce that he would show me different.  Well, he hasn’t.  I’m shocked and hurt."

One lesson I learned from that experience is to NEVER do something to try to get the other person to change. You MUST do what is best for yourself, your peace and your sanity. A person will only change if they want to and any short term change is just that.........temporary. A person really willing to change is also willing to prove it to you over time.

Doing something in hopes it will cause a change in another person is the surest way to disappointment and hurt. However, if you do this thing to make your life better, you're going to be much happier and over time it will matter less whether they change or not.

Seriously7's picture

Beautifully said, "you MUST do what is best for yourself, your peace, and your sanity. A person will only change if they want to..."

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you all! He hasn't been convicted of the 6th yet.  Right now, he has had an alcohol monitoring bracelet for 40 days which comes off this Monday, actually!  He seems to think no jail time and his attorney does also although that would be great.  I hate to say it but....

futurobrillante99's picture

It will take him hitting rock bottom before he will make a change, and even then, it's not guaranteed. Alcoholism is an insidious disease.

Just know it's got nothing to do with you and there isn't anything you can do or could have done to change things. From now on, you make YOU your #1 priority. Have you ever attended alanon? It's pretty helpful for learning boundaries, how not to enable and how to avoid codependency.

 

Kitten Whiskers's picture

Someone like this ... he'll probably celebrate getting the monitoring device off by getting hammered.

beebeel's picture

Uhh. What state are you in that allows people to rack up that many DUIs without mandatory jail time?!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I'm in Ohio and here we have a 10 year rule.  So the other ones have fallen off and this is technically "considered" his 2nd now. :(  He always seems to slide right through these things with  hardly any punishment.  This is why he thinks he's invincible.  

I am reading Co-Dependent No More! Started last week.  I also just finished Why Does He Do That and Psychopath Free.  I also read The Language of Letting Go daily motivation every day.

This is the most I've ever done in this regard for MYSELF. Smile

I didn't know there was online Al-Anon.  I'm going to check that out.

I feel bad but I hope his daughters don't stay here and move in with him permanenetly.  He seems to think they are and I think they need to go back to their mom.  We'll see.

I just want something to happen that really humbles him and makes him realize what he lost, etc. and that he can't always get what he wants and his way.

futurobrillante99's picture

You'll know you're getting less codependent when this kind of thinking stops:

"I feel bad but I hope his daughters don't stay here and move in with him permanenetly.  He seems to think they are and I think they need to go back to their mom.  We'll see.

I just want something to happen that really humbles him and makes him realize what he lost, etc. and that he can't always get what he wants and his way."

All of these thoughts stem from wanting a desired outcome. I'm a recovered codependent and when our main focus is on OUR well being and we leave the fate of others in the hands of karma, the gods, God, etc., trusting that the right thing will happen at the right time while we are safely away from those dysfunctional lightning rods, only then we can be assured we're healthy.

I no longer HOPE certain things happen to the XH2 to wake him up or make him see the mistakes he made.

I'm busy making sure my life is peaceful and shielded from toxic people. So I sit high in the tower of my lovely fortress, protected from toxic and dysfunctional people. And when they knock on the door of my fortress, I keep the door locked tight. If I accidentally let one in because I got duped, I march them out and lock the door behind them.

And it's lovely to sit in my fortress watching these people make a mess of their own lives and I'm no longer concerned with how long until or how their life implodes - because I'm safe and happy.

Rags's picture

Quit wasting your time on this idiot and his shallow and polluted gene pool.  No book (and Codependent No More is a great one) will allow you to save him. He is what he is as are his POs spawn from a failed marriage.

If you do not write him off and do it immediately you are choosing to sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental and failed relationship martyrdom. Every second that you choose not to end it you are choosing to facilitate it and waste your life.

Don't do that.

He is a serial drunk, has failed family baggage and is far from equity life partner material.  There are many good quality men out there who are not drunks and do not have failed family baggage.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I'm 100% codependent.  I know this. I'm working on it. :)  

What about the kids though?  Should I feel used/taken for granted?

Like I've been discarded and replaced?

Will he regret it?  I know you don't know but have others seen that their ex's regret it?

Gimlet's picture

People like your husband use everyone they can.   He will use people until he can't get any more out of them, and that includes you.   It's a function of who he is. 

I mean this nicely, but does it matter if he regrets it?  Or what he regrets?  He's not a healthy person, so he's not going to "regret" things in the way a healthy person would.  I would be interested in Futuro's persective of regret here with her ex.

As for the co-dependence, keep working on that.  The book "Co-Dependent No More" is a great place to start, and your therapist can also provide resources and help for that.  If you don't resolve it, you are likely to repeat the pattern.

ETA:  FB and Tog's suggestion of Al-Anon is a good one.

futurobrillante99's picture

Welp, I am sure my XH2 regrets losing me. That doesn't mean he loved me - he's a covert narcissist so he can't love anyone, really. He surely regrets losing the things he got from me.

Alcoholics aren't healthy and in their illness, they employ a LOT of manipulation tactics. They are addicts and avoid facing reality at all costs. They will thrash and flail and do anything they can to get you back into the dance of codependency. It is highly uncomfortable to them when the other person in the dance leaves the dance floor.

You cannot predict anything with these people except manipulation and a whole host of other unhealthy coping skills. And you can't predict when they'll have their epiphany and turn their lives around.

The only thing you can control is YOU. If you know you're codependent, I hope you will seek out alanon meetings to help you resist any attempts to pull you back into this sick dance and enable him. You could also benefit from it for any future relationships because, until you address your codependency, you'll be like bait to the sharks. You'll attract more unhealthy people into your life.

tog redux's picture

I'd suggest going to Al-Anon, or at least participating in online Al Anon groups - it could really help you.

Rags's picture

Why do you care if he regrets it or care about his kids?  They are all part of his web of shit. You need to get out of that web.

The instances of assholes like this having regrets about anything even as long as it takes them to find their next victim are so rare as to be statistically immaterial.

Move on.  Save yourself.

Quit thinking with your feels, think with your brain.  You will what if yourself into years and years of misery and regret if you are not careful.

Rags's picture

Why do you put so much thought and effort into worrying about what this shallow and polluted gene pool is doing ane why they are doingit or what they are feeling or how you should feel.

The whole situation is a write off so write them all off and get on with your life.

Stop giving them any space in your head.

NOW!

beebeel's picture

If he ever feels any regret, he will miss what you did FOR him, not that he hurt you. He won't feel regret for causing you pain or sacrifice. He will feel bad for himself, not you. And any attempt to reconcile will be intended to make HIM feel better, not you.

The man has zero regard for anyone. That's evidenced by his extensive criminal history with drinking and driving.

TheBrightSide's picture

It's very heartwarming to read all of these supportive posts.  I came here too, many years ago when I separated from my exDH.  

We're here for you.  You separated from him because you needed to keep yourself safe from this toxic relationship.  Now that you're feeling better, don't loose site of why you left.  

One day at a time.

Harry's picture

Like joining AA or going to to someone for help.  Thing are not going to change.  He has his mini wife and bottle . He's happy or just has to drink more to be happy.  You did the right thing.  As hard as it's is,  

enjoyyourdowngrade's picture

Congratulations and kudos to you!!!! You're life is about to get so much better! I left my ex last fall and the first couple of months were very hard. He rebounded immediately with someone else and this was very difficult to see. After being with someone for several years and getting to know their kids it seemed very cold and callous of him. I left for similar reasons (emotional abuse, being taken advantage of financially, putting me last in the relationship, allowing his family and kids to be disrespectful towards me one too many times, etc.) anyways after I left him the first couple of months were really hard. However after some time had passed things started to get better gradually. I am doing much better now and have even started dating again. Life does and will get better! You will start doing more things for yourself and spending time with people who really do care about you. The difference is incredible and in a very good way. Some things that helped me were staying off social media, going to therapy, spending time doing things to keep busy(working, hobbies, school ,etc.) and spending time with friends and people who really do genuinely care about you. Life does get better! I've actually met someone now who is night and day compared to my ex and it is such a breath of fresh air. He is childless, financially responsible, and overall just a nice sweet caring guy. ( and cute too ;))Life is good Smile it is the opposite of my life compared to a year ago. Stay positive!!!! Life does get better!!!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

@enjoyyourdowngrade and everyone! Thank you for sharing your insight and stories!

Speaking of the you know what, he just texted "just a thought, imagine your face when I told you that I needed to stay one more day.  Then two days later giving me crap for not planning dates or fighting for you.  You just fix that and I'll worry about what I'm doing or not doing to be or not be in anyone's life"..

UM?

Mine allowed his older sister to treat me badly and said it was just me all of the time lol

One day at a time...just breathe!

Iamwoman's picture

See? He doesn't and will not ever regret the way he treated you.

His text is placing all blame on you and basically letting you know that to him, you aren't worth fighting for (he said this to hurt you, because hurting you is now the only power he has over you).

Please, please do NOT contact him again.

Ignore his a$$ine texts.

Get a good divorce lawyer.

A few things that really helped me when I divorced my abusive exH:

1. Taking a flying lesson (nearby small airport was offering first time lesson for $50 in a Cessna) - so empowering!

2. Getting a mani/pedi as a way to love myself.

3. Joining social groups (ok so in COVID-19 days this will have to be virtual).

4. Reading lots of books (looks like you have a good start on this).

5. Starting a fun new hobby (mine was hiking and I looked up trails near and far and went every weekend).

6. Spending time with old friends.

7. Doing at least one kind thing for yourself every day (for me it was running, epsom salt baths, and watching one episode per night of a calming detective show).

futurobrillante99's picture

He's trying to manipulate you with guilt trips, woe is me BS. Don't fall for it.

Until he's done his steps and can come to you with a sincere apology and a commitment to right all wrongs, he's just lying to you.

enjoyyourdowngrade's picture

I was accused of being a narcissist and on the receiving end of verbal abuse and a smear campaign because I stood up for myself when I felt I was being taken advantage of financially, being disrespected by his kids and spoke up about boundaries being needed in place with the ex. Lol. I don't miss that to say the least. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

He's saying that in response to my last communication was how I was hurt and surprised and felt discarded and I thought he would be different, fighting for me, showing me different, taking me on dates and then I said we need to have a serious discussion about next steps because what is the point of being married, etc. blah blah..nothing really bad. Just how I'm sad and shocked because I love him and thought we'd be together forever.  I also asked him why he married me if he never intended to be the husband I needed and deserved.  You know, that kind of stuff.

He ignored the text for 2 days and responds with that today.

Like yes, I rushed him out.  Because I wanted to heal, get the ball rolling.  I mean, he's out for a reason.  That's what he doesn't seem to get.  I mean, don't people who get thrown out for their bad behavior know why and expect what I did to him?  Then those people normally fight for the relationship, etc.?

He's a different breed..I swear!!

Gimlet's picture

Who is your support system right now?

I'm asking because you're hurting and you're vulnerable.   He is a manipulative addict (who probably has some other issues that I am not qualified to diagnose) and he's going to use your hurt and confusion to creep back into your life if he thinks there is anything left to take. 

Post here whenever you need support and get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP.

((hugs))  You can do this.

Rags's picture

Quit communicating with this POS.  As for the "fight for (you)" thing.  Stop that crap.

My cavern crotches adulterous whore of an XW said that same thing when she played the D card for the last time.  I had been the only one in the marriage for the entire duration of that matrimonial train wreck.  After 18mos of increasingly bizarre behavior on her part I was able to pin her down and get us into marriage counseling. For ~7mos we were in counseling together. Things got better though never reached even remotely close to good.  She walked out of session after 7 months when the Doc opened that session with "We have made a lot of progress. Now it is time to address the intimacy issues in this marriage.:  XW stood up, pronounced that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out never to return.  Two months later she informed me that she wanted a divorce. I told her to go file. She broke down in sobs gasping "You won't fight for me."  I told her I was done fighting for us, I was the only one who had ever fought for us.  She moved out a couple of weeks later.  As she and her dad were driving off with her crap, I called an XGF and set up a date for that night and called for ASAP lock service to rekey the locks.  The next AM she was banging on the door.  I answered the door wrapped in a towel with a hot blonde wrapped in a sheet standing behind me.  She was there to pick up something she forgot. I told her to call and make an appointment then closed the door in her face.  She went ballistic ranting about how I could not lock her out of a house that she owned.  I reminded her that WE owned and that she no longer lived there by her own choice.

I was to the point where I would not give her another thought and I would not sacrifice one more second of my life to her bat shit crazy serially adulterous crap.

Quit serving yourself up to this POS.  If it is over, it is over. What he does after you booted him has nothing to do with you.  If you are continuing to engage with him then you are choosing to be hurt.  Make a different choice.

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you! My mom, brother and daughter know of everything, except for the physical, and all have been super supportive! 

Do you think that's why he texted that?

I know though..I'm not falling for any traps!

On top of reading and yoga and other things, I also listen to Podcasts so I'm on to him! *wacko*

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I told my daughter what he texted and she said I can see both sides.  You rushed him out so he's like if you rushed me out why are you mad that I"m not fighting for us, etc.?  

Again, shouldn't he remember that the reason he's out is because of his bad behavior and should know that's why he should fight and show me that he's changed, etc.

Now I feel like I did something wrong...

Gimlet's picture

You did nothing wrong.  You expected that kicking him out would be a wake up call for him.  It's not. 

Your husband is an addict.  He has anger issues.  He's put his hands on you and he has SIX DUIs.  The average alcoholic drives drunk EIGHTY TIMES before they are caught and he has been caught SIX TIMES.   This alone is enough to pull you down into the vortex of chaos and manipulation that is life with an addict.

OP, I've shared my story here a number of times and I won't share all the details, but I come from a family of addicts.  You cannot fix this man.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.   You can't make him love you more than he loves his addicitons.  He is, by his very nature, unable to give you the love and support you deserve and you cannot risk your mental and physical health trying to push that stone up the hill.  You cannot make him behave the way you want him to behave. 

Please, find an Al-Anon meeting TODAY.  I mean it.  I've had to cut off my own parents and siblings because they will destroy my mental health if I do not.  Your husband will do the same and you will keep doing this dance of co-dependence with him.

With all due respect, this is not your daughter's call to make and I'm sorry that she does not see him for the threat that he is.  She could probably benefit from some help herself. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's hard when you fall in love with either: 

a) who you thought your DH was or appeared to be during a "love-bombing" phase, because you find yourself chasing the high of your relationship in its early days.

or 

b) the "potential" of who your DH could be if he only made certain changes. "He's so amazing except for.....".

Both situations will make you experience so much pain and will make you question your sanity. Both make you desperate to find the words or the actions or the right manipulation to just make him (or her) see, to realize what they have to do to make your relationship right. To want to make the changes that seem so easy and will fix everything. It's exhausting and futile. I agree with the poster who said take care of yourself. Love yourself and spend that energy making your life better. Even if it doesn't make your partner change it will make you change and be happier.

I know it's easier said than done. I'm still trying. It's like an addiction i think. You have to believe that you have a problem and want to change before you can break the pattern. 

 

 

Rags's picture

Rescue projects never, ever work out for the rescuer.  I know, I had my rescuer knight in shinning armor phase.  No matter how hot and how engaging, sexy, amazing a rescue project is, they are a rescue project for a reason. For me, all three of my rescue projects had tragic unrecoverable flaws.  The first is arguably the best looking woman I have ever dated.  Stunning.  The problem is... she had a nose candy problem and it turned out she would shag anyone who would feed her nose candy appetite. Which is something I would not do.  Interestingly just be fore I married my first wife she got out of rehab, showed up at my work in a beautiful business suit with a dozen roses for me. I turned her down and married my XW that weekend.  Maybe I should have considered her approach.  The second was a young woman... also with a major drug problem.  She was never a major candidate for a long term relationship. But watching her crash and burn was sad.  The third, was a single mom who had a nasty ill behaved child and a recent XBF who was trash.  We dated briefly and were in fact dating when I met my wife.  That one was another sad story.  She decided to go back to her trashy XBF who ended up taking she and her kid on a rather unpleasant ride where he ended up in prison and she ended up losing her kid for a while.

Beware the rescue project. They never work out... for the rescuer.  The love, devotion and efforts of the rescuer are never enough.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone! Thank you for the support.  It's helping me.  

I did have a moment today. I cried out of nowhere cause I miss him.  I had a good weekend where I was strong, focused on myself and out of nowhere today I just started crying uncontrollably at work.

I just talked to him and he told me that his daughters this whole time saying they wanted to move here to go to this particular school, so he went and got a place in the area THEY wanted to live, not that he could really afford or anything even after I told him to be smart and get a smaller affordable place cause they are probably going back to their mom and he said no, they're going to move here so I said ok.  Ya gotta go.

WELL today he told me that they told him they aren't staying after all.  That they're going back home to their mom.  That these girls are bullies to them and they made new friends in their new state with their mom and they're gonna go back.  I said this is all sad.  I said sad because you had your hopes up and sad because you NEVER once listened to my advice as your wife.  I told you this would happen. I said when are you going to not make decisions based off of your unstable ex and your unstable kids who are all over the place?  Make a decision that includes your wife and is a smart one?

He said nothing can change, there is no need for me to tell you you're right.  I'm at that house now and I'm going to stay there until my daughters move back here and finish their high school years with me.

This kind of roller coaster ride had been going on for 11 years, since I've been with him and EVERYTIME I called something would happen and he argued it wouldn't IT DID. I was ALWAYS RIGHT.  Wouldn't you think that a man that was about to lose his wife and just got proved AGAIN that his wife is always right and he will never be able to be stable if he keeps making life decisions around a 13 and 15 year olds up and down WANTS that he's going to be alone probably?  

UM, HELLO!?!?! Is this the most delusional thing you've ever heard?  Has anyone else on this forum seen Disney Dad and Guilty Dad syndrome to this extent?

I'm just blown away and I'm sad.  I know I shouldn't but I keep having hopes that it would change and it's not. He just proved again today.  That he will do whatever it takes and make decisions based off of an imaginary life he wants with them.  What woman would ever want that in her life?  What woman would ever want to be on a roller coaster ride like that?

I have to tell you that I let him HAVE it via text. I went off and told him that he's delusional and that he needs to reflect and get his guilty dad and disney dad issues in check cause it's no way to live.  That I know he's trying to be a good dad but this isn't normal.

Of course he blamed me and said "you said I had to go and get a place for them to stay" I said I said that AFTER you said they were going to move here regardless. I said that AFTER I told you to get a temporary housing and cheaper place and they can stay with us during the summer.  That they're probably going to go back.  They're gonna miss their puppy and their mom.  I mean, girls love being with their mom.  He said no, the kids are moving here and I don't want them to go back and that's when I said ok you have to find a place for you and them.  Cause I'm not doing this full time until I see change.  So how dare him try and say it's my fault he's out.  Can he not handle that I'm right and now he's screwed by  his ex and daughter's again?

I am crying even more.  We just got into the biggest argument and he is making me feel bad.  I didn't want to say all of the mean things I did but I blew up because I'm upset. I 'm hurt.  In my head I feel like all of this could have been avoided had he just took my advice for once.  So who suffers?  Me?  This hasn't ever been fair to me and it still isn't. So I'm hurt and angry.

Oh and his bracelet came off today and turned off on Saturday and he already drank yesterday and is going golfing and I'm sure will be drinking again not only cause he can again but because I'm sure our argument didn't help.

This is all very unfortunate and I'm just heartbroken.  

Rags's picture

Why are you talking to this guy?  Any time you get that wave of missing him, remember the physicial abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, etc.... really, there is absolutely nothing to miss.  Nothing.

If you do not immediately end all contact you will be right back where you just were with the same POS you were with.  
 

Why haven't you told your family about the physical abuse?  I'll answer my own question.  Because you know they will make damned sure you will not go back to him and you do not have the confidence or courage to not go back to him.  So.... develop that courage.  Care more for yourself than the warm fuzzy feeling he generates in your tingly bits will disconnect your brain.  Gonads and feelings are shitty decisioning tools.  Use your brain.  Do whatever you have to do to purge this guy and his entire shallow and polluted gene pool from your life.  Permanently.  Never speak or communicate with him again.  Ever.

Take care of you.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I am very sorry. He doesn't care if you are right or wrong. He is more concerned about being a Disney Dad than he is to being a good DH to you.  And he wants to get the kids away from BM so he can WIN.  That happens way too much.

You can do so much better than this.

I know you're sad but I would lose this guy. Lawyer up and get therapy for healing.

nappisan's picture

I kicked out my DH and his brat kid in March,, extremely hard the first couple of weeks, i cried for days on end,  but then you will be suprised how quickly you can be OK by yourself. I felt the same as you ,, gave everything , taken for granted then discarded.  He preached that he loved me blah blah blah but could never muster up the balls to fight for me ,, ever!  Looking back throughout our 8 yr relationship he never even stood up for me for anything ,, even if someone said something nasty to me whilst out , he never would have said a thing ,,so dont expect him to ever fight for you as its simply too tiresome for him to even bother.  Best thing i did was change my daily routine,,do everything different ,, dont continue to do things you did whislt they were living with you otherwise you will just get sad.   Change your bedroom around , paint a wall , get some new linen etc and you will begin to quickly enjoy things that you are doing how you want to do things and when you want!  dont look back , every week will get so much easier and in another month you will be saying to yourself "why didnt i do this years ago"!

holly5692's picture

His refusal to change really has nothing to do with you, dear. This is all a reflection on him, not you. 

Your feelings are very familiar to me. Know that it does get better. This is all very new.  And then one day, you'll realize you really haven't given it much thought lately. And that's how you'll know you've made it through this and healed. It's a lot to get over, so take the time you need to ask these questions and feel what you need to feel.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you all!  Oh I know.  It does get better.  I have moments but I know that's normal and to be expected.

I'm just having a hard time grasping his thought process.  Has anyone here experienced someone with obsession, guilty dad and Disney dad issues like him?  That revolves his entire life, down to living situation to the roller coaster ups and downs and indecisiveness to teenage daughters who play him constantly?  It's not like this is anything new.  It's been going on for over 12 years.  Do these men ever wake up?  Like is it totally bizarre of him to have that mentality?

Like his way is I'm on the verge of divorce cause I choose to let my indecisive bratty children give me the run around constantly and I can't settle down with anyone or anything unless it's based on them?

That's not normal is it? Isn't this on a very bizarre, obsessed, unhealthy level?

Evil3's picture

Yes, it is bizarre and extremely unhealthy. It's pathalogical. The prognosis for your DH changing that is slim to none. Believe me. Been there, done that. The obsession/enmeshment is started by the father due to whatever issue he has. In my DH's case, it was his incredible fear that SD would up and leave him without a thought. Like my DH, these obsessed daddies allow their fears to be sooooooooooooooooo great that the fear outweighs their love for their DDs. As such, these dads would rather their daughters turn into spoiled rotten NPD freaks than to lose them. These dads will do ANYTHING to continue the dynamic. They fight tooth and nail and will do so to the point of losing absolutely everyone else, including wives and even other kids, to keep this sick dynamic going. In fact, the issue within these dads is so great that if a wife can manage to get the dad to some type of counselling, any improvements made or signs of the SD evolving will be sabotaged by the dad because he is convinced that he cannot afford to heal. Any healing runs the risk of losing the precious poopsies.

I remember having a ton of conflict with my DH over his obsession with my SD and his constant fighting to sabotage any sign of healing. I told my DH that it's as if he wants to lose his marriage just so he can prove that he sacrificed EVERYTHING to prove that his DD was THE MOST IMPORTANT and MOST ADORED and WORSHIPPED human being in his life and he could act out the message, "see SD? See? I lost my marriage for you. I sacrificed my marriage for you. Aren't I a good dad now? Please love me. Reward me with crumbs for my sacrifcing of my marriage."

I  was caught up for many years in the assumption that my DH was the way he was because I was lacking. I thought that if I could just get it right and be a good enough wife and woman, my DH would finally love me the way a man should love his wife. It doesn't work that way. Your DH is a shitty husband because he's got issues. He's got that bizarre relationship with his DDs because he's got issues. He's failed to fight for you because he's got issues. That has nothing to do with you. You did not fail him. You are not flawed. You're not inferior to his precious girls. It's all HIM. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a verb and your stbx failed at the verb part of it.

Please know that you are a wonderful woman and it is your DH who lost a wonderful wife rather than you losing a DH. He lost you because he's a twat.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think they subconsciously or consciously encourage dependence and unhealthy attachment, because deep diwn they don't want their kids to launch. I also agree with what you said about in the end, how they like to say they sacrificed everything for the kids, even their relationship. These people like to say "kids come first." It's the "parent martyr" identity and if that's how they see themselves there is literally nothing you can do. They want a child-centric life. They should just hire a nanny, a maid, and a hooker and stop trying to pretend they want a relationship. 

TheBrightSide's picture

My exDH was very much a Disney Dad.  Over the course of our marriage my confidence level plummeted.   The thing that makes leaving (and staying gone) is that you start to grieve he man you hoped he would be.  You also start to reminisce about the good times and because the pain of the loss is so, very strong and heavy, you'll do anything to just make the pain of the loss go away.  So you engage in communication.  And when the communication hurts and is negative, its still SOMETHING.

I separated from my exDH so many times, and each time we got back together, NOTHING changed.  NOTHING.  Except I started to feel worse and worse about myself.  

The last time we separated (and were living apart), I discovered he was seeing someone else and that he had introduced her to SD.  That was it.  I grieved yet again.   That's when I knew there was no going back.

Today, I can look back at all of that and think "IM SO FREAKING GRATEFUL" that we ended.  He wasn't the man for me.  And I wasn't the woman for him!   

One day at a time, my friend.   

Take Rag's advice and stop engaging in any form of communication with him.  Please reach out to your friends, or come on here.  We'll get you through it.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Evil3 wow! I've never thought about it that way and this is the first explain to me that way so thank you for bringing that to my attention the way that you did because it really open my eyes even more to how dysfunctional it is.

even though it's messed up it's still kind of sad sometimes you know? Like I feel bad for somebody that actually processes their thoughts that way and lives her life that way you know? Out of my control though.

Everyone else here, you all have been so amazing with this part and encouragement to keep me going and I think you 1 million times for being here. The site has truly been a godsend.

I'm learning to detach and again just focusing on myself. I think that I'm going to file for divorce myself because we don't have a bank account together, we have no assets together, no children together, I'm not asking for alimony or anything else like that so it would be easy I would think. Unless I'm missing something?

So on a more positive note, one good thing that I'm going to be doing for myself other than yoga and reading and meditating and that other good stuff is that I'm going to be getting a puppy! I rehomed my last one when my husband left here because I just wasn't mentally in the right place, I had just had surgery and I just felt like it wasn't the right time. But now that I'm alone and working on myself, what better time to get that puppy that I've always wanted? So I'm really excited about that! Just sharing some positive to all that negative funk LOL

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi all! Hope you're all doing great! I'm pretty upset this morning.  Because I know I've mentioned to you all that we don't have assets or anything together but when were were together I charged things on my credit card like trips, concerts, etc. in which I paid off in full and  he's been paying his half down.  Well today, for some reason, he's being a total dickhead about it.  I asked if he could send and he said he just paid me last week which isn't true.  It was two weeks ago and that's the frequency that he pays.  Every two weeks. 

 

Well this morning when I texted, to ask him to send, he was like what the f*ck is this credit card pay down for anyway? I was like seriously?  You forgot?  I said this is how it works until you pay your side down and how it has been working.  I said wow and he was like now you want me to pay $400 extra a month and you're like wow? He said f*ck your wow.  UM OK?

So this guy, didn't pause/stop child support being sent to their mom and her boyfriend in another state while his daughters are here for the summer and is on top of that spending all of this extra money on them you know things they DON'T need like clothes, etc.  Spending all of this money on rent that he can't afford because they're so worried about social status and now are leaving him again anyway.  

So he can allow his ex to get this free money now, spend all of this extra money on his daughters and then now suddently can't pay his half of what he owes me for all of the HAPPY times I spent on us?  

I don't even understand this behavior.  To me, it's just another example of how I always am last, have always not been a first priority and it hurts me.  Plus the way he approached it this morning was so mean.  Cursing and stuff.  

Is this stupid behavior cause he knows he's going broke?  Cause he knows his priorities are out of line or cause he is upset that I made him move for GOOD reason and now I'm asking for extra money?

I want a divorce. I don't want any ties to him.  I've reached my limit and his response to all of this day has thrown me over the edge. How dare him go broke over his stupid ex and daughters but not pay his WIFE his side of things?

I asked before but for those of you that divorced, did you have to get an attorney if you had no bank account together, no children, no assets, etc.?  The ONLY thing I want from him is the money he owes me on the credit cards and I want my maiden last name back.

AND I want no legal ties to him after he's already drinking after his 6th DUI. I don't care if it's one beer or twenty.  It can go nowhere good.

Suggestions?  I know I can file for the divorce myself without an attorney at my courthouse but I don't know if it's wise.

I can't believe this.  EFFING ASSHOLE!

P.S. I didn't support him when together.  Everything was split down the middle rent and bills wise.  He was always good with that.  Just suddenly being an asshole about it today.

P.S.S. I spoke with one attorney who said I should get one cause there is all kinds of things that come into play but again, I feel like he also wants the money and I've read that if you don't have assets why pay for a lawyer?  So I don't know. UGH!

P.S.S...  He gets a free attorney cause he works for a union who offers that but I won't get that benefit even though I'm still his wife.  Should I have him file if he agrees to being cordial?  Since it's free?

Rags's picture

CS and credit card debt are two very different things.  CS is a monthly obligation owed to the CP by the NCP regardless of who the children are with.  The SpermClan would cry about this as well when SS was with them during visitation.  We ignored their crap except when they took it out on the kid in which case we tuned SS with the facts so he could call their bullshit in real time and when necessary would have our attorney smack them with a nasty gram threatening court action.

IMHO about the only option you have is to get an attorney and sue him for his share of the applicable expenses that you put on your credit card.  Unless he pays voluntarily or you just pay it off and move on with your life.

I find your insistence on maintaining contact with this guy to be interesting. For someone who has ended the relationship you spend a lot of time communicating with him.

Cover1W's picture

I divorced my ex with the help of a divorce mediator. She helped both of us negotiate a final financial agreement and asset split. No kids, no other ties like a business involved. Turns out she was more on my side near the end because my ex was a complete d*ckhead to everyone in her office he encountered; the assistant said she's not encountered anyone like him in years.  And if he had got his own lawyer, she would have turned into my lawer (as I initiated the proceedings).

This approach could save you thousands - him as well you might point out! 

My ex threatened to get a lawyer and I told him "Go ahead, look at how much that will cost you vs. this." He stuck with the mediator.  NOTE:  My ex and I never had to meet in the same room or talk on the phone, the mediator did all of it in our case. All I had to do was send him things now and then.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I've never heard of this!  What is the best way to find one in my area? Do I just Google search divorce mediator in my area? Thank you so much for sharing!

Cover1W's picture

My mediator was recommened by a friend who used her. But she's also availble via a Google search.

Just check their references.

Survivingstephell's picture

Get a lawyer consult. Most are free and chose wisely because if you talk to one DH can't.  Talk to them if you want.  
Ive seen dickheads like this  drag out proceedings over stupid stuff. Just because they can. You might have to take a loss on this Relationship and call it your stupid tax  ie: Dave Ramsey. 

The_Upgrade's picture

You get a lawyer to protect yourself and to make sure all the paperwork gets filed correctly. The lawyer will advise you on your rights and entitlements so that you won't question yourself when your H suggests a split that favours him. You might think you have no assets but from what I've skimmed through the unhealthy dynamic you had with your H had you paying for him, supporting him. How would you like to have a court order in place where you had to support him for years after the divorce? Also if he's getting nasty the lawyer can help screen that out. Bullies only do it when they think they can get away with it. 

Gimlet's picture

Second the advice to get a lawyer to protect your interests.

Why is he being this way? 

You know why.  He is a selfish, alcoholic, enmeshed man with terrible character.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thanks! I didn't support him when together.  Everything was split down the middle rent and bills wise.  He was always good with that.  Just suddenly being an asshole about it today.

P.S.  He gets a free attorney cause he works for a union who offers that but I won't get that benefit even though I'm still his wife.  Should I have him file if he agrees to being cordial?  Since it's free?

Rags's picture

Be very careful with abdicating control of the divorce by giving STBX control just because he has a free lawyer.  Better to get a killer attorney that will beat him bloody in court and protect you with rabbid focus.

The legal fees will likely be far cheaper than what may be the case if your STBXH wins.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I understand and this all has me worried. Can he come after me for spousal support? 
 

can't I tell him to just be civil and split with nothing from one another or I'll have to bring up the past physical abuse? Or is that vindictive? I mean, I have to protect myself. Would that be wrong? 
 

Rags's picture

He could go after spousal support though considering the short marriage I doubt he could get anything.   Besides, if he does, you can counter sue for spousal support. I would say that it is not wrong for you to bring up the physical abuse if it goes before a Judge.  Talk to your attorney about the best path forward to assure the outcome you want.

You can tell him whatever you want to tell him but I would advise you to not speak to him at all other than through your attorney.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi all. Hope you're all well! 
 

I'm here cause I need emotional support right now. I'm so upset. This just threw me over the edge. He's at the beach with his two daughter wives and their friend and he sends me a pic of the sunset. Now I'm upset because wouldn't he be doing something like that with ME if he was trying to win me back? It's just like his kids are here and I'm nothing. 
 

I may be overreacting but this just threw me over the edge and I'm crying. This whole thing just sucks and I can't believe that I got discarded so hard after all I was to him and them. All that I did. All of the love and support through it all. 

Im just angry, sad and feel so invisible/

im soooo ready to text him and go off so I know I need to calm down. I know what I say won't matter anyway. I just can't believe this.

I was sure he would be fighting for me, for us. 

not while his daughters are here though. I'm nobody. Will that change when they go back to their mom in another state at the end of the summer? When they're gone? Will I matter then? 

Even though I know it's the best thing for me, it still hurts.

 

Catmom23's picture

Block him.  Anything of importance can go through your attorney.  Ignore the fool.

SteppedOut's picture

Do you want to "matter" when his kids go back to their mom's house? Hell, I think that would be worse. It will be (you know it will happen) blatant proof that you are a "placeholder" for when the mini-wives are gone. Bleh. 

Move on. Rip that band-aid and file for divorce. Get it behind you so you can move forward unencumbered. 

JRI's picture

I am just now reading thru this post for the first time.  After reading everything, the only good thing I can see about the relationship is the fantasy you thought you had with him and tbe girls.  I dont see one good REAL thing.  People want the best for you.  This man is toxic, he is poisonous for you.  Please for your own good block him and get a divorce.  Wishing you all the best.

Rags's picture

You are completely in control of this.  Toxic manipulation does not have to be tolerated yet you are choosing his toxic manipulation by maintaining contact. block him.  Have him communicate through your attorney.

Only you can liberate yourself from his toxic crap.

So do it.

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

But why is he Doing this? I know that he said I wanted him out and that they had to find a place to live, however, he knows why and he knows of the issues and he knows where I said you can't stay here unless I see change so of course I'm thinking that once he's out and he's missing me and realizing what I was to him and them that he would be doing everything in his power to win me back and romanticize me and all of this other stuff and it's like nothing. I just don't understand. That's so hurtful.

Gimlet's picture

Have you found an Al-Anon meeting yet? 

I'm betting you haven't, because you still think you can fix this man.  You think if you just love him enough, you can make him see.  See what he's throwing away, see how much you care and how much you're willing to bleed for him.

You cannot fix him.  You cannot change him.  And you most certainly cannot make him see.  You will just keep bleeding.  

He's going to keep playing these games with you.  You can either sit there and wait and bleed out, or you can find a meeting and start getting some support from other people going through the same thing you are. 

Find a therapist to help you build the kind of life where you don't have to play these games and where you are valued.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He is doing it because he is a toxic jerk and that's what they do. If he is a narcissist, he will try to maintain some kind of connection with you to keep you hanging around on the back burner until he hs a use for you again or until he finds someone else. Hell, he may try to keep you on the back burner even after he finds someone else. That is what they do. Like a shark being a shark hunting for prey or a spider building a web. It's in their nature. Going no contact is the only way. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

He sent you the pic of the sunset to upset you.  To tell you "look, I got the girls back and you were wrong."

In everything that you have written, there's no indication that he wanted to fight for your marriage. Now, when the kids are back with mom, he may get lonely in his cold bed and call you. And need to be strong enough when that day comes to say HELL NO.

You are relying on this worthless guy to define you. Please get some help and develop some self esteem. I would prefer living peacefully the rest of my life lone than having this kind of man. 

Rags's picture

The only one hurting you ... is YOU.  Just stop it.

This guy is a write off.  So write him off.  He has never truly cared for you.  Yet you continue to escalate and recycle your own pain over him.  That is just dumb.

Jojo4124's picture

Hoover is the term. Like the vacuum they try to such you back in. They love having control over others n don't want to lies their fun.

The abuse cycle....they act loving, then abuse..and act loving...then abuse, its a cycle

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You will learn that abusers don't heal because they love the benefits of abuse.

A narcissist, not saying your stbx is one, FEED off stirring up other ppls emotions. Counter that, don't give them their gratification called narcissistic supply, by going gray rock. Talk to them like you would a viscious dog...firm, no emotion.

Practice not showing emotion. You don't want to break down in court, believe me...he will say, see, she is emotionally unstable. Look up how to handle a narcissist...

You have to cut contact with him except via text or email...which you should save n print all correspondence for court to show how he communicates. He is all flowers now but once he sees you can't be reeled back in, the anger will come out n you will have it on record.

Domestic violence places have great resources...some even have free legal help

Hope this helps...I've been there

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

THANK YOU ALL so much! Your support here means the world to me.  I woke up sad, knowing all of this.  

Also conflicted because he did try and see me last week, attempted to bring me dinner but I didn't hear him at the door, invited me over to eat good food with him and the girls this past weekend.  Which I said no to.  He left a journal on my doorstep.

So he has done some things but in my mind, it's not enough.  Is that because I'm narcisstic and nothing is good enough?  Or do I feel deep down that it's not enough? 

No conversation has been made about change.  He always says it's actions, not words.  I

He has been having a few beers here and there.  Has golfed a few times and only had a few.  I know it doesn't make it right. But my thinking goes to well, it's slowed down.  Is he changing?

I guess  mentally I'm all over the place.  I know this.

In my twisted mind set right now, I keep trying to justify and say well maybe he is trying, cause he's done a few things? But then it's not enough?  Then I say well what if this? What if that?

I also told him that I have to let my current apartment know that I move out on August 5th.  I for some reason was hoping he would say great, why don't you move in with me? But no, got nothing.  To me that was another slap in the face saying "I'm good without you" OR he didn't say anything cause he knows I said I wouldn't move there.  He knows how I am though and how many times I"ve gone back on my word on things so that hurt me too.

So yes, I know I flipped out yesterday.  There is a lot going on.  Woke up feeling and thinking well he did try a bit but...

Then also thought, if he is trying here and there and I keep shutting him down he won't try..

So yes, I'm a mess.  I need you all to keep me strong here.  Can you tell me your thoughts about what I just said here?  Cause I'm spinning.

Thanks again! So many hugs to all of you here!

Gimlet's picture

Good morning, OP.

There are many Al-Anon meetings every day.   I know you feel alone.  I know you feel like no one else can possibly understand.  You will find so much support and understanding here.  GO TODAY.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

Here is a search for therapists in Ohio

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ohio

The person you need to focus on is you.  Not your ex, YOU.   Please, get this book today also:

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself-ebook/dp...

Until you address what is driving you to pursue a relationship this unhealthy, you won't be able to resolve it.  Water seeks its own level and right now you believe this is the sort of love you deserve.  You have to change that.

Cover1W's picture

Al-anon was so very helpful to me as well once I left my mentally abusive (and alcholic)  ex-husband. That and a therapist was a life-changer. It took me two tries to find an al-anon group I "synched" with but once I did it was truly a good, good thing.

Rags's picture

Please get to a Psychiatrist and get some help and some meds. Stop your self flagilation and self induces misery over a failed relationship.  On another thread someone used the phrase of "Hit it, quit it, forget it" in reference to people who find thememselves in untennable relationships with completely inappropriate partners.

You have to find the courage to do just his. You have hit it (Check), now you have to truly quit it and immediately forget it and move on. If you don't you are the root cause of your problem, not him.

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I have started on meds. I have been on them for about two months now. And I think that they are part of the reason along with the site, along with the podcast in the reading that I've been doing and the few therapy sessions that I have had gave me the strength to actually make him leave and stick to it.

 

I do feel like I am the root cause and I am the problem because I do have my own problems from being raised in a loving yet dysfunctional family and having codependent issues and being emotionally abused by him etc. of course I feel like I am the root causes here. It stinks to feel that way because I know that it's probably not entirely true but I still question myself which is why I think I am still battling or which is why I'm still hoping for change again because I feel like some of it is my fault.

Rags's picture

Be kind to yourself, quit mitigating the toxicity of your SO by assuming responsiblity for his crap.

Take care of you.

Congratulations on doing the work to recover your life.

Jojo4124's picture

Info...don't tell him anything...he WILL use everything against you. He is trying time hoover you, its what abusers do. If you fall for it the abuse may get worse.

Plz protect YOU. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hello everyone! Yes I know you're all right and I hear what you're saying but of course my OCD and analysts paralysis isn't helping right now. I am just so angry and upset. I was in a really foul mood all day today. Just feeling angry and so sad. I just again cannot believe what is happening.

 

His daughters have been here since the beginning of June and there has not been one day that he has not allow them to do whatever they wanted to do, or has taken them to do whatever they ask to do, and the whole time I'm getting bits and pieces of hey why don't you come over here the girls are gone? Or why don't you come over here and will eat outside. I would think that he would be trying to again romanticize me take me to see a sunset, take me out to dinner, take me to get ice cream and talk and really try and rekindle that relationship. But he's not.

 

And it's hard to except that reality because when we were together living together he did do a lot of those things with me. But now that we're living apart and his daughters are here it's like I don't really exist or he's too comfortable to fight for me or he just doesn't really care. So I just don't understand it again I just don't understand it and it's killing me inside.

 

Today he took them to go kayaking at the lake and do you think that he asked me or my daughter to join? Do you know that my adult daughter was there for them and such a good step daughter and older stepsister to those girls and she's discarded too.

 

I can't stop crying today it's absolutely horrible I'm just crushed.

 

I took his daughters in when they were three and one years old and provided a beautiful home for them and for him and all of the special traditions and all of the parties i through for them and him in the holidays and hosting his family and going above and beyond to be the best girlfriend I was until he proposed to me seven years later and to know that I stood by his side through everything, the abuse, the duis, both of his parents passing, and then for me to finally put my foot down and say you have to leave was the hardest thing for me to do but I really thought that he would come back around because I was that good. So now I'm feeling that I wasn't. 
 

12 years of my life thrown down the drain and I have no idea what even happened I just feel so lost and weak and stupid.

 

Sorry that these posts are so negative but it's just really how I'm feeling and I feel like coming here I feel that you guys help me feel better about things and so I appreciate you all very much.

Evil3's picture

You're describing the old abused woman/child core belief. I recognize it because I suffered from that and took abuse for way too long because of it. I endured my mini-wife on steroids and DH dynamic for so long because I believed that if I could "just get it right," or "just get good enough," or "fix just one more fault," I'd be good enough to be fully loved and be given the wife status by my DH. I realized that was my past programming talking. I realized that I was good enough and that the reason DH was fawning all over his mini-wife and putting me in a distant last place wasn't because I wasn't enough or that I was inferior in some way. It was because he was a piss-poor husband and SD was a rotten SD. I had a very abusive, withholding father who never found me good enough. He compared me to other girls and I was always a distant last place to them: even strangers. My past set me up to end up with a shitty husband. Therapy helped re-wire me and it really changed my life.

There used to be a poster on here who would say, "you accept the love you think you deserver." You may think you deserve to be fully loved consciously, but your subconscious says otherwise. Do a deep dive on past relationships and your childhood and you'll see a pattern. It's time to heal from it so that you can break free from your loser ex. He is garbage and sounds like a narcissist. Remind yourself a hundred times a day that your ex is an asshole who drives drunk and is obsessed with his own daughters. He is a piss-poor husband and cannot and will not be all-in with you. Please go for some counselling so that you can realize that you deserve so much better. Do not question yourself. You were and are an amazing woman. It is your ex who didn't deserve you.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you.  I'm a bit better today.  I talked to him yesterday and he golfed and was drunk.  Said he only had 10 beers throughout the course of 10 hours.  Ok?  That makes it ok?

Then he told me that he drove two hours chauferring his daughter and her friends around.  When I asked when the other kids parents don't drive his daughter around and he's the one always driving he said "I guess cause I'm the cool dad". 

I said you know you really can say no to the girls sometimes.  You have allowed them to do whatever they want since they've been here and on top of that they should be social distancing.  He said "it's the summer of 2020" and he wants them to have the best summer ever.

All while he was drinking all day. 

I said you need to quit drinking.  Drinking and driving and thinking you're untouchable.  He said "I'm blah blah and nothing's going to ever happen to me baby".  UM?  It isn't?  Are SIX dui's nothing?

He really is delusional.  I'm seeing this.  Especially after our talk yesterday.

We got into it because I told him I don't want him on our car insurance anymore and he needs to get his own policy.  He said he needs to stay on cause his DUI and that when the premium goes up, he'll just pay the highter amount of his half.  I said start looking for your own policy.  He said ok well then start looking for your own medical coverage.

What a slap in the face! He left his ex wife and  HER daughter on his medical coverage until after we were married and even while she was married to someone else.  SHE SCREWED him over royally and never got taken off but I'm doing something to protect myself and I get threatened with that??!?!?!?!!

It just hurts me and again another sign that his ex and her daughter and their daughters can do no wrong and will never be held accountable for anything and get special treatment.

It's just all wrong on a million levels.  His priorities are so out of line including his obsesstion with his daughters, being a yes man, constantly trying to impress them all while losing his WIFE. The only one who's ever been good to him.

BACKWARDS!!!!

Evil3's picture

10 beer?!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if it's me since I don't drink at all but that sounds excessive. And drinking for 10 hours?!!!

He drove his DDs in that condition? OMG! He endangered his DDs and everyone else on the road.

He slapped you in the face with the comment about saying good-bye to your medical because he wanted you to acquiesce about the auto insurance policy.

He is not only a loser, but he's a criminal. Hopefully the next time he drives drunk results in a 7th DUI rather than a death or injury.

Rags's picture

Until you cut him off completely, there is no hope for you.  There already is no hope for this relationship.

Cut him off, go no contact. PERIOD!

There is nothing to analyze.  The relationship is DOA.  Quit analyzing and start living. 

Even a moderately intelligent toddler learns quickly not to stick things in electrical sockets.  Yet you keep shoving your emotional tender bits in the proverbial electrical socket and then analyzing why it hurts while you keep doing it. When all you have to do is just stop doing it.

Stop it, and go get some help.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi there! Hope you're all doing well and staying sane as possible in the midst of Daddy/SK drama!

Craziest thing happened this morning!  My DH texted and said "Have you let your apartment know if you're renewing the lease?  You're more than welcome to come live with your husband, wife.  Just know that"

UM, wow! Is this cause his kids are going to be leaving?  Is this cause he needs help with rent?  Or is this cause he really misses me and wants me back?

The reason it's crazy is because I this morning told my apartment that I want to switch to a one bedroom unit.  I don't need the extra bedroom (I got that in case his kids would stay or my daughter would) but my daughter has stayed with me once or twice and now that I'm really living alone why have the extra bedroom and pay more?  I would be saving close to $100 a month AND get this, the unit is on my same floor just on the other side so it'll be a super easy move.

This way I can save money to buy a home next year.  That's my plan.

I'm shocked at the timing.  

Of course I'm questioning it but why would I do that to myself?  I've been feeling more at peace lately.  He has shown no change really.  The only way I would ever do that is if I saw change in all aspects, right?

Keep me straight here guys cause I need it!

Thanks!

Gimlet's picture

Your husband is not sober.  Heck, he doesn't even see the drinking as a problem yet.  I would not even consider it until he had his one year chip, but since he's not even seeking treatment, well....

Second, he would need to want to change and he would need therapy.  Just getting sober isn't enough.  He'd end up what we call a "dry drunk", meaning that all that underlying dysfunction would still be there, he just wouldn't be drinking. 

Third, he is abusive.  Period.

So yeah, likely his daughters are going to be gone and his bed is cold and he knows you've put up with his shit in the past so why not try to get you to come back?   Sorry to sound harsh, but this is not an introspective man who realizes that he needs help, this is the same selfish abuser who is only thinking of his own needs.

STAY GONE.   Keep healing.

Find a therapist.  Find an Al-Anon meeting. LOVE YOURSELF MORE.

Block his number and only communicate through email and through your lawyer when you file for divorce.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you and it's ok to be direct with me.  I need harsh and direct.

Because I do miss him at times and feel like what if I'm doing the right thing even though I know it's the right thing.

But he needs to show me proof of change, etc.  

How do I respond to him?  Any advice there?

Jojo4124's picture

Please research...there are forums for narcissistic abuse...you need support of others going thru the same thing

Call domestic violence place today! Some have free counsel. It takes time and exposure to truth to begin to unwind the tangles of abuse.

Text only! You don't need to hear what he does with His kids...he is trying to hurt u...learn all you can right now how to gray rock him...no contact, and if needed, only via text or emails that you can use in court

Please! Call domestic violence today!!!

Jojo4124's picture

You need the space to get help right now so you can be strong to fight him in court.

You are doing nothing wrong. You have been abused, which kills our sense of self. You should be proud of yourself for fighting against it...you got this...you will be amazed at how strong you are when you arm yourself with information and support!!!

Gimlet's picture

Personally, I think responding at all just opens the door and opens up the wound.  I don't think you've healed enough to be able to do it.  I would block his number and communicate only necessary things in email.  You need the distance to clear your head.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I'm honestly having a bit of a panic attack.  I'm not sure why.

This morning I woke up so confident, felt excited about switching my lease to the one bedroom and now that he texted me that I'm spinning in the "should I?" "what if I make a mistake?" "did I overreact?" thoughts!

I know it probably doesn't make sense.  It's just how I'm feeling now

Gimlet's picture

That is precisely why you need to block him.  He's good at pulling you back in, and right now you need space more than anything.

Jojo4124's picture

Accept yourself for your reactions to this...do something pampering for you. You are removing yourself from toxins...your body, mind, n spirit need to detox...sometimes it hurts...you might also grieve what could've been...its all okay...be kind to you...just as you would treat an abused child or puppy. Surround yourself with as much love and positive ness as possible

Oh yeah, domestic violence places can give you an advocate which would go to court with you for moral support!

Please know that there is freedom n life after you leave abuse! You are doing GREAT! Fight for yourself as you would your own child or best friend!!!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I know.  I  know.  I'm thinking oh my gosh, I'm signing for another year which means I'm stuck there until October.  What if this, what if that?

I wish I wasn't such a what if thinker and future analyzer...

Gimlet's picture

But that is OK.   I don't think it will happen, but let's say he decides to go to therapy and get sober.  Even if that miracle occurs, it would be so much better for you to still have your own space.   Jumping back in with him puts you right back in the same powerless, miserable position.  

You can't predict the future but you can make the best choices for yourself, that depend only on things in YOUR control. 

Keep the apartment.  Execute your plan to save for a home.  Find a counselor.  Get strong.  Focus on living YOUR best life.

You can do this.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you, Gimlet! You're so right.  I'm going to stick to my plan.

I feel silly thinking he's going to just wind up dating someone else and I'll be so full of regret even though I know I shouldn't!

 

Gimlet's picture

Even if he does, he's going to be just as shitty to her as he was to you.

My ex-SO cheated on me and got someone else pregnant.  We had been together for 8 years and I was staying for all the wrong reasons.  He ended up getting a high paying job and marrying and having another child with her.  It sucked at the time, but it was the very best gift he ever gave me.  You couldn't pay me enough to be back with him.  I hope his wife is doing OK because I very much doubt he's changed.

I learned how strong I am.  I learned to love and value who I am, and to listen to what I need.  I went on to meet my DH and have a great relationship with him.  My DD is thriving, work is going well, and I lucky to have the life that I do.  None of this would have happened if I would have stayed in that relationship.

Jojo4124's picture

Abuse the next woman too. Just focus on you.

That's another reason to go no contact too...after he finds his next victim he will make sure you see pictures of his 'bliss'

Boundaries is a good book...you have to know how to tell other ppl to not talk to you about him...he could try to upset you thru family or mutual friends...

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone!

Hope you're all doing well!

I saw my husband on Saturday.  He had a bin of my clothes at his new place and some other items that I picked up.  It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  He cleaned my car out for me and was nice. That was it though.  

He told me that his daughters were moving back to their mom's mid August.  Why did that throw me into a major state of panic?

It's really toxic thinking but I am panicking.  I think I may have felt more secure because they have been with him and what can he do when I'm not there?  There are trust issues from the past.  So the first thing I think of is what is he going to do when he's alone?  He's going to cheat on me.  

Then if he does I'm going to think I could have avoided that because he asked me to move in with him.  And I'm thinking I'll think I made a mistake, will be devastated, etc. because I didn't move back with him.

Again, I know this isn't rational thinking but I'm having major anxiety now and doubting myself.  Thinking "should I just do it and try again" and not move into my one bedroom apartment.

I'm not in a good head space today.  Just here for some STRONG support.  Please help me stay rational and do the right thing.

CLove's picture

He is abusive, and acting nice right now. Try to go no contact while you go through this grieving process.

You will be SO much happier without this man in your life.

I know you think that maybe just maybe you are making a mistake, or giving up too early, but get that out of your head. He isnt changing, he isnt fighting for you, he will not change. Period.

You sounded so miserable in your posts. Please re-read them. Can you call someone to talk to? 

Best wishes to you!!! Keep posting if that helps.

Gimlet's picture

So the first thing I think of is what is he going to do when he's alone?  He's going to cheat on me.  

It doesn't matter if he sleeps with someone else because you are DONE with him.  You are separated, and even though you are legally married, you are over.  Done. Finished.  Stick a fork in that DOA relationship.   He's just going to bring the next person the same misery.   You don't want him, he is damaged goods.

You are not making a mistake.  Go forward with your one bedroom.  If he is serious about changing and wanting to be part of your life, he will not let that stop him.  He will get sober, get in counseling, and make the effort to date you again.  The worst thing you could do would be going back to him.  Nothing will change, he is still a drunk, he will still abuse you, and he will drop you like a hot potato when his daughters are back.

Stay the course.

Get your butt to a meeting and find a counselor!  And I mean that nicely.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes.  He hasn't really fought for me.  His thinking is that I asked him to leave and asked for space so we can work on ourselves but again I thought that he would try and do more to win me back.

He has invited me over a few times for dinner with him and the girls but I said no and that was it really.  I mean I know it's a weird time with this pandemic in that not much can be done but.

I just feel like am I contradicting what I said?  When I told him to leave with them and to give space and then mad he's not fighting?

Isn't that what normally happens when someone screws up and are put out?

When I think of the attemtps he has made and now asking me to move in with him it makes me think I'm the hard one, the stubborn one, the impossible to please one.

Does that make sense?  

Just sharing my thought process here.  

I found two counselors, had a few sessions and didn't connect.  Still looking.  Promise! TRUST ME though, this is the BEST I've ever been.  In a million years, I never thought I would be able to get this far with how much I love him and the good in him, etc.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I sent you a PM regarding counselors, depending where in Ohio you live.

 

Gimlet's picture

When I think of the attemtps he has made and now asking me to move in with him it makes me think I'm the hard one, the stubborn one, the impossible to please one.

Words are easy.  Extending invitations is easy.  Changing and doing the work is hard.  You see how hard it is, don't you?  You're working to change and it's painfully slow and painfully hard and he's not doing any of that.

If expecting a partner who isn't an alcoholic, who isn't abusive, and who considers your feelings and needs is "hard, stubborn, and impossible to please", consider me all of the above and then some.  What you are asking of your husband is the basics.  Not only should you expect that, you should expect so much more, OP.

I think your problem is that you left expecting that to make him change.  You wanted it to be an eye-opener and since it hasn't been you are doubting your decision.  This really boils down to what kind of life you want to have and what kind of love you think you deserve.  You can't make him be any different than he is right now.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thanks, Gimlet.  That's exactly it.  The whole eye opener thing and he didn't lol.  I certainly don't expect him to do it either when he finds out I'm not moving in with him and simply moving to another apartment.

That makes a lot of sense.  Because I'm like gosh was I that bad that he's like I have my peace without her.  I mean, he did say that he is enjoying the "fresh air" since not living with me the last time we argued.  That was when I tried to tell him that he should have listened to his wife's advice and things may be different.  Tried to have a civil conversation with him about that and then got into an argument about car insurance because he can't handle normal conversations without getting annoyed and said he doesn't miss the talks and the arguments and enjoys the  fresh air.

So that along with everything else makes me feel like yes, I'm a pain in the butt to deal with and maybe expect too much.

 

Gimlet's picture

Tried to have a civil conversation with him about that and then got into an argument about car insurance because he can't handle normal conversations without getting annoyed and said he doesn't miss the talks and the arguments and enjoys the  fresh air.

Let me translate this for you "I don't like being expected to have adult conversations with you and I don't like being held accountable."   It's easier to act like your normal expectations are some huge burden than it is to step up and deal with life.  I'd imagine that with SIX DUIs that car insurance isn't a fun topic, but whose fault is that?  Certainly not yours.  

I can tell you all day that you don't expect too much.  You don't expect ENOUGH.  But you have to see that for yourself.  Being treated with respect and kindness is baseline.  You should always expect respect and kindness from every person in your life and be willing to cut out anyone who doesn't give that to you.   I expect that from co-workers and here you are thinking expecting it from your husband is too much.

He is just a mean, immature, drunken little boy. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Yes.  He said he doesn't like when I go off on him when I do but in cases like that where he threatened to remove me from his medical because I wanted him to get his own car insurance, of course I was going to let him have it because he left his ex and her daughter on there when they were divorced and she treated him like crap.

Or like when he said the girls were going back to their mom and I said so what now?  Do you see now why I ask you to please take my advice because nothing they say ever sticks?  Do you see now why I was upset about this? Etc. Etc. Things like that.  Then I'll say why can't you say I was right for once and you'll listen to me now?  He's like well it's over and done with now and I can't change that and I'm staying here until my kids move back here, etc.  Just stuff like that

I knew he wouldn't remove me he says he isn't but I was angry 

I do throw a lot on his face, I'm guilty of that and I do tend to go on and on about it because it's never resolved or he just disagree's, etc. so when it's not resolved I tend to bring it up again and throw things in his face

That's how I feel like I'm a pain and difficult to be with...

My OCD doesn't help either...I also have PTSD from all that has happened with us so I do sometimes obsess, ruminate and bring things up over and over

Gimlet's picture

Do yourself a favor and get this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/08948...

If you are short on cash, I will buy it for you, let me know and we can do it via anonymous email.

You are trying to fix him.  You are trying to make him change and make him see why he's wrong, while at the same time wanting to help him avoid his consequences for his choices.   This is classic co-dependence and it's also something that will be discussed in Al-Anon.

I hope that you are able to find a therapist soon, because I'm not qualified to do anything more than share my experiences.  I'm worried about you, OP, I think you're vulnerable and I don't want to see you go back to an abusive man.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi Gimlet. I actually have that book and the Language of Letting Go by the same author and I'm reading it now. It's helping.

I'm not going back to him.  Not moving in with him.

You guys help keep me strong with just hearing your experiences and all of the great advice.

I know what you're saying and why should I even bother trying to fix him or see that he's wrong, right?  I can see if it was someone who was better about it, right?

But because I'm this way with him, am I the pain in the butt? Trying to make him see and change?  Like am I the bad one? lol

 

 

Gimlet's picture

Nope, not even if it was someone better about it.

You can't fix anyone, ever.  Even the nicest person in the world.  The only person you can change is you.

Edit: I did NOT mean that you are the cause of the issues here.  I mean that you can only control yourself, not anyone else, and your energy needs to go to your healing.  Winterglow is spot on.

Keep reading, keep working, and keep loving yourself more.

((hugs))

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I know the...the only person I can change is me BUT because I'm like this am I the pain and difficult one to deal with? That's what I  keep thinking for some reason.

IF i wouldn't be so demanding, want to talk so much, etc. then it would be different?

Winterglow's picture

In a nutshell - no.

Please stop trying to find fault with yourself (proof, if ever there was, that you were in that relationship for far too long). Even now you're away from him his gaslighting keeps on working on you. Demanding? All you were "demanding" was simple respect and that is something that we all deserve.

nappisan's picture

Emotionally unavailable are fantastic manipulators,,, hes has just manipulated you into thinking you are the difficult one , or you are the problem,, you are still a puppet being played by his strings. STOP IT!!!! STOP TALKING TO HIM!!! NO hes not EVER going to fight for you ,, please understand this,,, emotionally unavailable people will not chase or fight for you , he will ALWAYS make you chase him or come back to him.  You will alaways be the one fixing things after an argument , you will alawys be the one to put the work in ,, your doing exactly what he wants you to do ,, and you will eventually submit to him again and agian and again,, remember , as long as you contiue to give , he will take take take ,, trust me ive been there!  who cares whats hes doing now when your not around , who cares if he is seeing other women ,, i know this hurts but everytime you worry about these things ,, continually think about the abuse and emotional neglect etc HES NOT WORTH IT!   there are men out there who offer commitment and respect and that will love and care about you and will alwasy make you their priority,, it will never ever be the dropkick you continue to pine over.  STOP TALKING AND RESPONDING TO HIM

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you all.  I know.  This is just so hard.  I do miss him and the good.  Cause the good is so good. Like I've never had with anyone.  The connection was insane.  So because I've never had that.

And I know the good in him.  The soft side of him.  The non confrontational side.

So when I think of that it breaks my heart.

I know he hasn't been drinking as much, etc.  I think he has here and there but not alot.

I keep telling myself maybe he'll wisen up, maybe never drink again and later on down the road things will work.  But in the meantime, I have to stay strong and stick to what works best for me until I see that.

So it's just hard.  Even thought I know it's better for us.

Cover1W's picture

Listen, I've been there with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic ex (and likely drugs, but I never had proof - but his mood swings were crahzy).

Yes, you'll miss him, like you'd miss anyone who you spent a lot of time with- but that 'connection' was through tyranny and you being smitten with him not the other way around. I thought too that I had something so great, but really not at all. He knew how to play me. My DH now?  THAT is what is the amazing thing.

My ex had issues that were sad, but he never ever dealt with them, he was a great friend to his friends, he'd help people with things, he was super fun on vacations. But that's not every day life as a partner.

He hasn't been drinking as much - OR he's just not letting you see it. Don't believe this unless he's committed to AA. Do NOT believe this.  Alcoholics are amazingly good at hiding how much they drink.

Don't think of "what if" because it's not NOW.  I hope you got that 1 bedroom apartment. I hope you are talking with trusted friends. And it's not better for him and you it's better for YOU.  Start thinking of you.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Stop analyzing him. Stop talking to him. Stop trying to reason with him.  Stop saying it must be you. Stop hoping that he will change if only he would stop drinking.  Stop thinking he really is a good person. Stop being upset he is not fighting for you.

JUST STOP.  He's a loser, and that's it.

nappisan's picture

yes , everytime you feel the need to respond to his text or everytime you miss the 'good',, get on this forum and we will support you !   Its worked for me and still working.  I invested 8 yrs into a man similar to what your describing ,, and let me tell you,, when its 'good' , its not becasue he wants to make you happy , hes doing it all to benefit himself in some way,, there is always a selfish reason behind it ,, unfortunetaly you will only see this when you are completely free from his manipulating ways.  Please stop telling yourself he will wisen up ,, he wont ,, all he is going to do is become better at hiding bad habits to lure you back in and then he will slip comfortably back into old ways and your trapped,, again !   STOP looking at social media ,, tell him to stop sending you pics etc etc ! He will never fight for you ,, he will never fight for anyone, he will never even fight for his kids,,, they simply cant factor in anyone elses need or wants nor can they be bothered even trying!  He is demanding you respect him but he is never going to do the same for you EVER!!!   Completely change your daily routine, it does help and before you know it , you will be out of the hard stuff and seeing the clear ahead  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi and thank you! He's really upping his game now. Just texted why don't you come and spend the night we can get pizza and relax and watch a movie and it's supposed to be a rainy day all day tomorrow. He knows exactly what I love to do and what was my favorite things to do with him which are always very simplistic like that. I'm not going. I didn't respond.

he's really upping his game now. Just texted why don't you come and spend the night we can get pizza and relax and watch a movie and it's supposed to be a rainy day all day tomorrow. He knows exactly what I love to do and what was my favorite things to do with him which are always very simplistic like that. I'm not going. I didn't respond.

But I'm staying on track. I have changed my routine and I continue to I have not been doing yoga for 45 days straight which is the most I've ever done anything workout wise I have given up drinking haven't really drink much of anything and have been eating healthier and reading and podcasts and I also have sold some of the furniture that reminded me of him and I have the most and as you all know moving to a one bedroom apartment which will be a change of scenery so I'm definitely taking steps.

 

I still have my moments because it's been almost 12 years of a life with him and it's just tough sometimes so I really appreciate you all being here for me I really don't know what I do without you and I mean that with my whole heart.

StepUltimate's picture

Following this forum thread and very happy to read your update. 

You got this! 

Biggrin

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone! I'm back.  Having a moment and need some support for strength.

I have to sign the lease for my apartment switch no later than tomorrow and I'm hesitant.  I don't know why.  I guess the fear of what if is kicking in again.  I feel sort of frozen.  Like am I doing the right thing.  Which I know I am.  

I did send a long texts to him on Saturday because I woke up sad and angry.  Out of nowhere.  I sort of just told him that I'm upset and I feel let down.  That when we got married I took my vows seriously and I feel like he didn't.  He made decisions based on the best benefit for his daughters and not US as a family and so many other things. I told him he was supposed to protect me and my heart.  That I feel let down.  I also said then you expect me to move back in with a two lined "wife, you can move in if you want to with  your husband".  UM...not even a conversation about anything.  No future plans, no this is how I'll show you, etc.  NOTHING.  So that is upsetting.  I said why am I the only  one ever talking about feelings?

So anyway, it was a long text.  I saw that he read it and guess what? No response to that.  I did get a response later in the evening asking "how was your day" that was IT to all I said. It's just a joke.  

So here I am.  Ready to take another step which shows a more long term of being away from him for sure because it's a year lease so it's like I'm thinking this is my last chance am I doing the right thing.  Does that make sense?

So I'm here to hear some words of encouragement to do the right thing.  Just a little push because I'm having anxiety.  It's just who I am as a person.  How I process things.  Needing support.

Thank you! 

P.S.  Give it to me straight! If you need to be direct, that is fine.  I can handle it.  Just needing a push.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Do it. Move. And stop texting him. He was too lazy to even address your text, because either he doesn't care or thinks he can have you running back at any time. Prove him wrong. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thanks.  He never responds to any of my long texts really.  He used to when we first started dating.  He was super communicative.  Now it's like whatever.  That's your opinion.  He's told me sometimes that he doesn't even read them cause they're all the same stuff. 

Gimlet's picture

Rumple is right.  He's ignoring your long text because he just wants you to go back to accepting his dysfunctional status quo. 

Sign the lease and keep moving on with your life. 

Stop texting him.  Journal it.  Write it out here.  But stop looking for something from him because you aren't going to get it and it's going to keep ripping the scab off.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I know! It's like such a huge slap in the face.

I just don't understand and I wonder if it's cause of what you're saying or that he's that shut down emotionally by me cause all I ever do is complain? Or if he just doesn't care.

It's a combination.  It's one of those closure things I'm feeling like I need.

Evil3's picture

Please repeat to yourself a zillion times a day that your stbx's behaviour isn't on you. Please know that it isn't about you at all. It isn't because you're difficult or because all you do is complain or anything about you.

Also, closure is overrated and something that many people don't really give themselves permission to heal because they "need closure." You will never ever ever get an explanation from your ex as to why he treated you the way he did. He will never say a proper good-bye to you. You will not get closure from him in any way, shape or form. In most cases, there is no closure. You will have to give closure to yourself. You attracted a shitty man who turned into a shitty husband and it wasn't about you. End of story. Give yourself permission to move on and heal.

Now that you're breaking free of this PoS, find a therapist to figure out why you have that programming that any crappy treatment you get is on you. Make sure you do a deep dive in therapy so you don't repeat this same scenario in your next relationship. And I'm saying this with love. I repeated this exact pattern, so I relive the pain every time I read your posts. My life and marriage are completely different. You can have completely different and you can be a queen and be treated like royalty in your future marriage.

Leave this asshole in your rear view mirror. Give yourself permission to live a fabulous life. Do not shackle yourself holding out for closure. You will find that the further you get in your healing and "personal work" as I call it, you won't give a shit about this closure thing that people talk about. You don't need it. You have you. And you are everything.

Cover1W's picture

Agreed 100%.  My ex had me convinced for a while that I was the problem. I was complaining too much, I didn't make time for him, I didn't do this or did that instead of the other thing, etc. 

It's not you.

Once I figured out that nothing I did would be good enough, or the right choice, because HE didn't do it then it was a game changer. I saw his control, I saw what he was doing on his time, I saw his sneakiness. Oh, once he started to lose control it DID get worse, but it made me more convinced I was right to get things ready to go.

No, I never got technical "closure." But I don't care. He was an *ss and that's all I need to know.  My "closure" came from me leaving, getting through the divorce and being free!

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you! So much. 
 

I did it. I signed the lease. Took me A minute to get through the whole thing because I was having anxiety as I was signing all of the pages. But I did it and there's no going back now LOL

I still don't understand why am having so much anxiety about it because it's not like I've been alone for just a short time he moved out in June and I've been alone since then and have had moments where I'm just totally OK and now that I signed the lease to move to a smaller apartment at the same place I'm having anxiety.

again, I think it's just that in my mind it shows some sort of real finality And for some reason in the back of my mind I just keep thinking what if? What if this was her last chance to make it right? What if he gets angry and really decides that he doesn't wanna be with me anymore? Just things like that that I really think about

Still working on me. So focusing on me. Which is good. My daughter and best friend yesterday told me that they see the more positive in me and they realize how strong I am and how strong I've gotten because a couple of years ago that I never thought I would've been here. Especially considering how much they know I love him and how much they know I put into this and how long I fought to try and make things right. I've Never been attracted to anyone like I am him, I have never had Anyone that I have so much in common with, I mean he truly fits the bill in so many ways if he didn't have guilty dad issues and drinking and anger then he would've been the perfect husband the exact type of man that I would wanna be with forever. So it's very hard for me to think about finding someone who had all of his amazing qualities that I found love with minus all of the bad it's very strange.

So it's been a very strange ride. I have days where I feel completely at peace and very neutral and there are days like today where I signed a lease and I'm taking another step and it just has me in a little bit of an anxious state for the reasons that I stated above. But I did it.

I haven't broke the news yet to him that I'm not moving in with him so I think he might get angry because he's probably really depending on me to revert back to my old ways and just run back and he probably is depending on the financial help but I'm not doing it so what do you recommend I tell him?

but on a more positive note, I am proud of myself for taking another step to a better life for myself even though this is it all done and over with with him I'm still taking the steps that I need and I've gotten stronger. But still sad, very sad and scary moments.

 
Then I also have been having like guilty moments Because again I took my vows very seriously and a question myself is this what a wife does? But then again it's like but is this what a husband does? This is my first marriage and I don't know I was just in it forever so it's just sad but I'm OK just having moments.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi! Update.  I broke the news to him.  Because he messaged me and asked if I signed the lease for another year because he knew today was the deadline to let them know.  I told him yes and the reasons why and that didn’t go so well.  He flipped out me.  Said yes, I want him to work on things with me but decide to live apart for another year.  He told me he hasn’t trusted my decision-making abilities since I told him that I didn’t sign up to be a full-time mom to his girls. 

 

MY decision making abilities?  I’m the one who has my stuff together.  I don’t need him to live or survive.  What about HIS decision making INABILITIES? I’m flabbergasted!!

 

He said I don't agree with 90 % of what you think or say so that severely inhibits my ability to be on your side. No ego, no pride.

 

He said "I do not agree with you that's all and YOUR EGO AND PRIDE has come between us because you insist I owe you something.... HOW THE f*** would this have anything to do with ego and pride when I haven't gotten anything from you for over a year nothing from you nothing zero zilch NADA on all levels so I don't know what you're talkin about if I truly had ego and pride I would have lost your ass a long time ago"

 

He also told me that if I would just be quiet and walk by his side it would be fine.  That if I would just shut up it would be fine. 

 

He said I’m the one who has ego and pride issues.  Not him. That my ego and pride got us here.  That if he had ego and pride he would have left me a long time ago.

 

UM SAME!! The absolute same!! If I did have ego and pride I would have left your ASS YEARS AGO!!! But I didn’t.  That’s not ego and pride.  That’s standing by my husband’s side and STILL being a good woman to him and his children.

 

That he’s a better daddy to his girls since I’m not around because he doesn’t have to hear about mini wife syndrome or have other conversations and arguments leading to him not wanting to punch a hole in the wall anymore. That his life is much better with the quiet he has now. 

 

He said that I’m thinking wrong because I don’t see how good he is when they’re around and they make him want to be a better person and that my thinking is backwards that I’m trying to put a wedge between that and if I didn’t then we would be ok. 

 

UM, IF he would have addressed the issues with mini wife and everything else when I tried to get him too before, does he think that we would have to have conversations?  Was I supposed to stay quiet and just deal?  I guess so. I’m so confused.  Does he really not see?

 

Also, what about ME, his WIFE?  Why aren’t I good enough or enough for him to want to be better?  Only they help him to be better and more mellow? What about being a better HUSBAND to ME?

 

Huge slap in the face!!

 

It really is ALLLLLL about him and them.  I’m so blown away.  Even though I know I shouldn’t be.

 

Oh, he also told me that signing the year lease was a C*NT move on my part.  That all I want is fix it fix it fix it. 

 

He really doesn’t care to see.  At the same time has me feeling a bit narcissistic like did I ask for too much from him?  Was I really a 3rd wheel?  Like I know it’s not right but he makes me feel like if I just would have been quiet and let him be a good DADDY all would be fine.

 

It’s messed up on a million levels.  DADDY, DADDY, DADDY!! That’s all he is and that’s all that matters. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

 

I did it though. I told him. 

 

THEN he just texted “I love you”

 

WHAT AND THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?!??!?!

Winterglow's picture

Please don't doubt yourself. The man's a self-centered, egotistical, ignorant, waste of space and isn't fit to tie your shoes. Your only mistake here was actually listening to his narcissistic rant. Next time he tries to go off like that, HANG UP! Don't entertain his carry-on. YOU are the normal one here and you've been brow--beaten by this boor for way too long. 

Now get on with the business of enjoying your life! 

Gimlet's picture

OP, it is time to get good and mad.  I am good and mad for you.  Seriously, unleash the hounds of wrath.

Look at what he is showing you.  You did something he didn't like, so he took the mask off and you can see his face.  His real face.  His abusive, drunk ass, gaslighting, selfish, ASSHOLE face. 

GOOD FOR YOU for sticking up for yourself!!  I have a whole brass band going over here for you.  Good job!  You are not a narcissist, you are a normal human being who wants and deserves better than an abusive loser.

His life is better?  Huh.  Well then, enough said and he should leave you alone, but instead he's trying to get back in by saying "I love you" because he hoped that his tirade would break you down so you would come back and go along with his abusive ways. 

And this?  He also told me that if I would just be quiet and walk by his side it would be fine.  That if I would just shut up it would be fine.

He doesn't want a wife.  He wants a dog.

Block him and communicate via the lawyers.  Keep going OP, you can do this.

lieutenant_dad's picture

OP, would you like to know the straw that broke the camel's back for me with my XH?

It was him literally shushing me. It was him showing me that I was too loud, that I talked too much, that my anger was misplaced, that I was making him uncomfortable and his comfort is what mattered.

My XH was too much of a coward to actually say those things to me. Yours isn't, but his words and my XH's shush mean the same thing.

Mature adults realize that one person in a relationship isn't a "wrong kind of person". They realize there is incompatibility, and how someone is as a person may not make them compatible with someone else.

You don't sound crazy. You sound like you had totally normal expectations, but those expectations didn't mix with your STBXH. His mature reaction would have been to say "listen, based on all these conversations we've had, I can't be who you need, and you aren't who I need, so I think this is over."

Instead, he fake-cared to keep you giving him what he needed. That caused you to act irrationally on very rational issues. That doesn't make you "wrong". That makes you tired. That makes you *feel* crazy.

But you're not crazy. You're taking the mature approach by recognizing your weaknesses (co-dependency, it's a real b*tch), separating so you can think and make a good decision versus a rushed one, finding support and guidance, and trying to find a way tI fix SHARED problems between you both.

His solution? It's to 100% blame you and just expect you to shut up with your logic because it hurts him.

F*ck that, and f*ck him!

YOU are doing this right. Not perfect (none of us ever do), but RIGHT. It took me 6 months before I finally said "enough" and stopped responding to calls or texts, or texting him. It took me 6 months to stop helping him with his problems. It took me six months to stop apologizing for the pain HE caused ME because he was uncomfortable. AND THAT WAS 6 MONTHS LIVING APART!

Don't let him convince you that you're doing something wrong. You aren't. He doesn't love you. He loves what you provide to HIM. If he loved you as a person, your pain would be KILLING him and he'd twist himself into a pretzel trying to find a way for you two to make this work. But he only cares that your actions make his life less fulfilling, and that's not acceptable to him.

My suggestions? Block his number. Write him a letter saying it's over. File for divorce or legal separation, whichever you can do. Find yourself a counselor. And BE DONE with this.

It hurts. It sucks. It has good days and bad. BUT, you will get stronger and get through this. Your happiness isn't dependent on him. It never was.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Please stop contact with this man....

I have been where you are... wanting to understand their thought process. Possibly in the belief that you can find a way to help them change, get help, make a perfect life for yourselves. 

This man will not change, ever, he doesn’t want to. You are hurting yourself keeping in contact. 

He’s a selfish, social and emotional stunted  * hole . 

You will never understand his thought processes because they are not normal thought processes. 

Please choose happiness. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you!

 

I’m proud of myself too! 

 

Oh believe me, I got the shush’s too. All of the time.  Especially if his kids were sleeping in till 1pm cause they were up till 4am.  God forbid, I laughed or talked to loud in the morning. 

 

You have all helped me open my eyes so much. 

 

I have to say it IS hard to hear that the only reason he was with me is cause he fake-cared though.  That is a huge ouchie.  Hard to understand he did that. Like did he have any love at all?

 

But yes, there are many layers here that go above just the issues with the kids.

 

I’m learning all of this.  Seeing a lot.

 

So thank you!!

Livingoutloud's picture

It's not really a stepfamily issue. He is an abusive drunk. No need for the kind of

husband. 

DPW's picture

You need to go NO CONTACT for a while. This will allow you breathing space to figure your shit out. Is there any reason you need to talk to him right now? Put some space and time between you and I bet you'll see beyond the clouds and figure out your life once and for all without anxiety and guilt. In all honesty, your DH is not admirable at all. You mention that he's a great guy but... anger... but ... drinking... but.... daughters... but.... He's not a great guy at all. Trust us on this. His responses to you speak volumes and for your own sanity, break free once and for all. 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Happy Friday pretty people!

Checking in because I'm feeling a bit anxious today.  My daughter went to visit him and her step sister's yesterday.  Said it was nice, she missed them.  This is fine as she is 26 and can make her own decisions.  She wasn't happy to see him but she missed the girls.  

She told me that the girls told her they go back home to their mom next week.  As soon as she told me that my heart sunk.  A feeling of panic came over me and I couldn't breathe.  

I think because in the back of my mine, I thought due to COVID or other circumstances that they would be here longer or wouldn't be going back.

The fear has kicked in that they are really leaving.  I now know that he will be alone and able to do whatever he wants.  From drinking a lot, to cheating on me.  I have had some sense of security and not worried there as much because the girls have been here.  

I know this makes no sense and I'm not sure if some of you would understand but it's just how I feel.

I  know he has his shitty moments and things to work on but I am stuck on the good.  Again, I know not right but it's how I'm feeling.

I found my old laptop and before I sold it yesterday, downloaded all of the pics and they go way back.  To when we first met, when the girls were tiny, all of the great things we did together and I did for them.  I started crying so hard.  It was hard to see that.

So that has put me in a spot too.  Because I'm focused on the what if?  What if he changed?  What if I made a mistake by not moving back when I had the chance to, etc.

Again, all of this knowing that it's not rational but my heart feels differently.

Can you talk to me please?  What if he cheats on me?  What if he changes and she gets the good? 

If he cheats, he'll be like well you didn't want to be with me, or with my daughters, or move in, etc. and knowing me and where I'm at I'll blame myself for that.  

I just need you to help me get back to a better mindset because I'm spinning.

I can't believe my daughter telling me his daughter's are moving back to another state with their mom next week has me in a tizzy.

It really sucks to be here.

P.S.  I'm still taking care of me, doing yoga, podcasts, etc. but yesterday and today I'm just feeling really uncertain and blah.

Winterglow's picture

You kicked him out and are embarking on a whole new life without him. Why do you care if he drinks himself stupid or if he sleeps with someone else. Rejoice that he is out of your life! The stress is gone. The abuse is gone. He is out of your life. Pease stop looking for reasons to worry about him. He's an adult and can take care of himself. You, my dear, are FREE!

Frankly, what kind of a "man" needs a woman or a child to keep him on the straight and narrow? He is old enough to make his own decisions, good or bad. 

Gimlet's picture

Is your daughter aware of the alcohol and abuse issues?  Does she know you left him and are struggling with it?  I am trying to understand why she would visit with them and then come back and tell you these things.

Hon, you aren't together anymore and you cannot spend this much of your energy wondering what he is doing or not doing.  He is going to find another victim and she's going to suffer just the same way you did.  

He's going to drink and make bad decisions, that is what alcoholics do.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. 

You really, really, really need to go no contact and tell your daughter that you don't want to know anything about him or his kids.  Al-Anon will make you feel less alone, many people are going through similar situations.  Please find a meeting.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

My daughter knows everything but the physical.  She knows of the anger and him punching a wall before. I did tell her he pushed me the one time but then retracted and say it wasn't like that.

She has a hunch.  But she knows EVERYTHING else.

DPW's picture

I'm going to be blunt, who cares if he gets drunk and sleeps around? Good, gets him away from you quicker. And hopefully he stays away.

My exSO, the one who brought me here originally, contacted me last weekend after not speaking for 10 years. Took me half a day to figure out that he has not only not changed for the good in over 10 years, but he's actually fine-tuned his negative qualities even more. I'm so glad I went no contact when we broke up. He didn't deserve me then and certainly doesn't deserve me now. People don't change because you want them to, they do because they want to.

Evil3's picture

OK, you broke up. That means that if he does sleep with someone else, he isn't cheating on you. He likely won't demonstrate grief over losing you the way you want or need him to because he's very selfish, if not a narcissist. He will find a new victim and it will likely be very soon. He will wear his mask to suck her in so it'll give the appearance that your ex changed and that his new victim is getting the best of him.

Sorry to be blunt, but there will come a time, and it's likely very soon, that there will be the appearance that your worst fears have come true (him not really grieving you and moving quickly to the next). Please know that it's only an appearance. It's not the truth. Also, it's what self absorbed people do. They always want a victim. They want supply. They don't really want that person for who they are. They want that person for supply. You are no longer willing to give that unconditional supply for crap in return. Another unsuspecting victim will be. And when that happens, please do not torture yourself and tell yourself lies, such as she got him because she's better than you or that he changed and now she gets the reward. That will not be the truth.

I hope I'm not hurting you. I'm wanting to prepare you so that you can remind yourself of the truth. Also, please remind yourself of this truth: you are bloody awesome.

Winterglow's picture

What kind of a man needs a nanny to make sure he behaves? Look, whatever he does, he does of his own free will. He knows the difference between right and wrong. He doesn't need someone standing beside him and saying "no!". He is an adult and can do as he pleases and he will. You cannot control him. 

To echo Kitten, why do you not love yourself more? Or perhaps that should be why do you not love yourself?

Livingoutloud's picture

It could be temporary separation to work on marriage. People sometimes discuss if they'll be seeing other people while separated. 

Kitten Whiskers's picture

Frankly, it sounds like you don't want to be over your DH or away from him.  If those are things you want, you'd be moving heaven and earth to make sure he can't contact you, and you'd be initiating divorce proceedings.  

You're looking for someone to tell you how to fix a situation and a person that cannot be fixed.  Why do you not love yourself more than this?  

Doublehelix's picture

Your life can only get better from here... your DH's life on the other hand...

He has everything he wants, right?  Because of this I feel so used and taken for granted and discarded.  I really thought that he would change and step up. 

I get that feeling. I say it in rage too, that my partner would be better off w/o me meddling and letting him have his daughter 24/7 if BM would allow. The truth is, however, that w/o me today, he'd probably be dead and would have been way too depressed to have the energy to fight for his daughter when mom tried to move out of state. Lots of other things too. Not to mention he probably would not enjoy all that alone time with his children, bc let's be real - it's not that enjoyable lol Otherwise he could have left a long time ago. That being said, another poster hit it on the head, that our partners are too selfish/messed-up to miss US, but only the things we do. My partner tries to argue that's not true, it's ME he wants by his side, but I know it's only bc I'm willing to do all these things for him, textbook codependency of course. 

I envy your freedom

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I Know that my self-confidence, self-love, and self-worth are diminished because of my relationship with him and because of the relationship that I had before him for a very short time. I went from one narcissist to another.

So for those of you here who have been with a narcissist you know how it is when you first meet in the love bombing and all of that good stuff that makes you feel like wow this is finally what I deserve this is finally what I've been waiting for my whole life, and that's what I fell in love with and then wound up in the cycle again. This time though got involved with a man who had daughters, established a family life for us including my daughter, which growing up it was just my daughter and I know siblings know nothing else so it became a family to us and I wanted to fight for that. Because I put so much work into it, And when I started to see that he was going to put his children before me and there once before me everything that I've stated above, that's when I started realizing that this isn't the way that it supposed to be. At the same token, when addressing those things, being gaslighted manipulated and made to feel that it was just me and I was the one who had work to do.

Reliving lots of our conversations, a lot of them were me, me and you you and what he doesn't do and what I need and how you treated me wrongly, And how he was less then, and all of those things so sometimes I feel like maybe I am the narcissistic one and just wanted to much.

So I believe that this is why I feel this way. Because after my last narcissistic relationship I was starting to regain confidence and self love then I meet him who contributed to me feeling like the world revolves around me like he was going to make me the happiest woman in the world and at that time he did. Then to have that all taken away it's a lot to process and deal with.

I feel like that is why I'm stuck wanting to try and change and fix this because again of all of the work that I've put in all of the love the family that I helped kids together and have just been praying and hoping that he would open his eyes and change. That is the honest truth and that is where I'm coming from.

I am not saying that this can't be fixed or will be fixed but you asked why I haven't and why feel the way that I do and I'm explaining why.

It's a very tough situation. I found myself in anxiety the last couple of days because of my job and uncertainty with that. And the wet if so what if I lost my job and things like that because I don't have a savings account I am OK and take care of myself very well but I don't have a savings account should anything like that happen. So on top of that my anxiety is through the roof because of my fears of what I told you before above about the cheating the what if's and then now I have the what if's of losing my job etc. etc. and thinking if I lost my job then it would be like I took I should've just moved back things like that but I'm not going to again I'm just telling you how I dit's a very tough situation. I found myself in anxiety in the last couple of days because of my job and uncertainty with that. And the what if's what if I lost my job things like that because I don't have a savings account I am OK and take care of myself very well but I don't have a savings account should anything like that happen. So on top of that my anxiety is through the roof because of my fears of what I told you before above about the cheating the what if's and then now I have the what if's of losing my job etc. etc. and thinking if I lost my job then it would be like I took I should've just move back things like that but I'm not going to again I'm just telling you how I feel. 
 

I'm just in a place of fear and uncertainty regardless of the circumstances so I question many things and I know I shouldn't but it's just how I process things so I come here for strength because you guys have kept me strong.

Kitten Whiskers's picture

The man has SIX DUIS.  What more do you need to know about his intelligence or character?

Winterglow's picture

And THIS is why you need counseling - to find out why you keep on choosing narcissists and to help you break that trend. Also to help you regain confidence in yourself. This is no way to live... 

hermoniegee's picture

Weighing in here  .  I never do  at least not much.I recently broke with my BF b/c he had a substance abuse problem.And he was also one of those guys who wanted me when he wanted me on his terms.Don't know if he has a psychological issue but I know I had to stop being there at his beck and call 24/7 .I moved out.I thought his GF was a bitch and a problem because he wanted me to believe that but she and I bonded over sharing the same abuse he gave us both. She is a  friend .He didn't want the stories getting out about how awful he was to her.

Now I am stronger.I was  seeing a mental health person at a discount local clinic for a few months. Had to stop because of the virus.They shut the clinic for now.I am stronger and totally done with my BF.

He still texts and bombs me with lies  and I ignore And blocked him.He  got my new info from another so called  friend .Now I know that "friend " is no true friend. You have to save yourself .No one else can do it.No one else can do the hard work.  I read here for months and there are some harsh comments that put me off but in time I came to realize these are the most truth filled  ones. The first step away from an abusing partner is the hardest b/c you waat them to take you back and promise to be better.But that never lasts.

Livingoutloud's picture

A man who drove drunk SIX times is NOT a relationship or marriage material. 

 also worrying that he'll get drink when kids moved out is ridiculous. He is an alcoholic so he'll drink, thats what they do. They drink 

PS stand corrected that he was caught drunk. He like drives drunk on a regular basis. He endangeres innocent people on a regular basis. 

 

Kitten Whiskers's picture

He got CAUGHT driving drunk 6 times.  Just imagine how many times he drove when he was drinking and didn't get stopped.  

And you're right - he's going to drink to excess no matter who is or isn't physically around him.  

Gimlet's picture

The average DUI perp drives about 80 times under the influence for every time they are caught, according to the best stats I can find.   I mean, this guy casually had 10 beers while he was golfing, and I would bet he took at least 50% off the real total.

OP, I know you want this to be about who he is as a dad, but it's really about who he is as a person and I really wish you'd find an Al-Anon meeting and a good therapist.

tog redux's picture

Yes, and by the way, OP was wrong about how her state approaches DUI - they have a 6 in 20 years rule, so his prior ones have not "fallen off" and he will likely get jail time if convicted. 

Not that any of that will matter, he will do his jail time and then drive unlicensed, most likely.

OP - you are addicted to your DH, like he's addicted to alcohol. That's the real definition of co-dependent - pop psychology has redefined it to apply to other situations.  You are an addict, just like he is, that's why you can't cut him loose. You need your own treatment.

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I was not wrong. This was considered his 3rd and he got off because of Covid. Was facing 120 days. He got off easy. 

Kitten Whiskers's picture

Does that somehow make it any better?  3 DUIs or 6 DUIs.  The guy is a drunk.  Please tell us why you want to stay with someone like this.  

tog redux's picture

So that means he's gotten his six DUIs over a span of more than 20 years, indicating he's a serious, long-term alcoholic.  This is the core of all of your problems, along with your codependency issues. Please read about true codependency.

And you can do Al-Anon online if that makes you more comfortable.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thanks all. 
It's not only the drinking I'm worried about but the cheating. Again, cause we're separated.

i know I shouldn't feel this way. But I am. I would be crushed. Blame it on myself. 

I don't want to attend al anon because I'm a private person & would prefer they don't see me and know me. If that's makes sense. Which is why I like this forum. Cause I can talk and it's more private. 

Going to look into a therapist tomorrow. 

Kitten Whiskers's picture

Part of the "anon" is Anonymous.  Go in and say a fake name if that's what you need.  The whole idea and intent is to get better.

You've gotten great advice here.  Nothing is going to change for you until you want it to change for yourself.  Your DH isn't going to stop drinking or pandering to his kids, and your life is not going to get any better until you admit this is not the right relationship for you.  He drinks to excess, and he's abusive.  What more do you need to know?  Even if he quit drinking cold turkey today it would take YEARS for him get out of his addictive brain.  I saw that in my own family.  

I've said it, and I mean it: If you really want him out of your life, make that happen.  If you don't, quit complaining.

Gimlet's picture

Kitten is right, the "Anon" part of Al-Anon stands for anonymous.

You can give a false name and even if you ran into someone from your meeting (which I have), there is very little chance THEY want to be outed either. 

There is nothing like Al-Anon.  You don't have to try to explain because they already know.  They know the lies, the fear, the worry, the guilt, the anger, and the mourning.   They have lived it too.  My DH is my best friend and he will never truly get it because he hasn't lived with someone he loves who is an addict. 

If you don't get better support, you're going to break and go back and I hope that isn't what happens.  Every time I think about my intelligent, kind, severely co-dependent mother, who would never get the help she needed, and the life she threw away on my alcoholic father, it makes me so sad. 

Livingoutloud's picture

You can attend al anon in a different area and they will not  know you. It's anonymous. When you share you don't share names or you don't even have to share at all, you can just listen. You are sharing on here. How is that different?

So you aren't crushed that he endangers  innocent pedestrians including children and drivers and passengers again including children but will be crushed if he sleeps with someone else while separated? So you aren't concerned that he is a despicable human being and a criminal?

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I'm crushed about it all. 

I will reach out to al anon and refer back to this thread when I need reminders and reassurance. 

Thank you all! 

SMneveragain's picture

I have read through both threads. All I can think is wow.  I've been on here and while, have been lurking , but not really posting much.  I had to respond to this .. 

First. You are not ready to move on. You keep hoping that you're going to be told to stay and work things out . This is not going to happen.   You are not done. You keep hoping it's going to change and honey... he has made it very clear where he stands and you are not listening to him .  

1.  Never let a man tell you twice he isn't interested .  In his actions to you .... He's made it very clear he has chosen his kids over you. The only way it will work is if you are at his beck and call and don't argue.  You are so much better then that.  I've been there. I've done it .  It's taken me two years but I am finally free of the toxicity and am with an amazing man who tells me every day that I am beautiful.  He shows me everyday how much I mean to him.  

Until you decide that you are done playing games, and being treated like garbage this is how your life is going to be.  Is it really worth it to feel like this constantly?  Until you get a grip on this... It's going to wreck havoc in all aspects of your life.... Including your job.  Thats toxicty in itself.   You're the only one who can decide that.  We can give you all the advice in the world.  Until you've truly reached rock botton and have had enough this is how your life is going to be. Until you decide. You are going to drive yourself insane with the constant back and forth and what if's . IF he truly cared.... He would've done something. He's decided it is more important to be an alcoholic then be a husband.. Thats per your description.

My advice... Cut all contact, block him.  Focus on you .  Look at your self and truly think about what you want, need, and deserve in a relationship. Get an exit plan.  Start the paperwork, No contact order, whatever you need to put an end to this nonsense.    You also need to look at yourself and see what toxic traits you have and what you contribute to the relationship.  Just my 2 cents .  Alot of ladies on this site have been there, got the sign to prove it so please heed their advise.   Otherwise you will slowly drive yourself insane.

 

tog redux's picture

OP - I'll say it one more time, then I am out - the crux of the issue here is his addiction to alcohol, and your addiction to him.

You can only change yourself, yet you aren't focusing at all on YOU and what needs this meets for you.  Stop focusing on him and figure out yourself, through therapy and Al-Anon. 

This will be hard for you, because part of your addiction is an addiction to the chaos and drama of being married to an alcoholic.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

I know.  My thought has been after I get angry I feel bad because it's like well he didn't ask for this situation with his kids so he overcompensates, blah blah.  Then drinks to deal with the hurt from that, blah blah.

I have made steps to move on from him.  Again, me signing another year lease without him is the biggest thing I've done.  I never in a million years would have thought I wouldn't have gone back.  A few years ago, I would have.  So please don't take that away from me.

Of course I'm not ready to move on.  Who ever really is when they have hopes for a better situation?  This is all very fresh still.  He just  moved out in June after living together for 12  years.  So yes, it's hard.  Again, still fresh and I'm going to have my moments.

I'm hearing you all.  I appreciate you all.  I'm taking steps to make myself better.  Working on me.  Just having moments.

Thanks again!

Livingoutloud's picture

It's a very good first step to sign a lease. Just make sure you don't allow him to move in like you did last time. 

you do need to understand that he doesn't drink because he is stressed about kids. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. That's what they do. They drink. 

even if you want to believe he drinks because of the kids, you can't say he drives drunk because of the kids. I was in a relationship with functioning alcoholic. He never ever got behind the wheel even after one drink. Never. Never endangered himself or others. Your man is a horrible human being for repeatedly getting behind  the wheel drunk. There is zero excuse for it 

That's why people recommended to either attend al anon or at least read their literature so you can understand how addiction works. He drank right after the bracelet came off. He drank for 10 hours straight. He is an addict with zero desires to quit. Your issue has nothing to do with his kids. You are married to a dangerous abusive addict. Until you see it this way you'd not move on.  

 

tog redux's picture

It's a good step. But you really have to recognize that it's not about him, it's about YOU. Take your eyes off of him, and put them back on you, and what you need to heal, every time you start focusing on him.

"Didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it," is the Al-Anon mantra. Repeat that to yourself whenever you start focusing on him.

And find a good therapist, because once you stop using him and his drama as your drug, you will have old, painful stuff come up and need to be dealt with.

Dave02Dad's picture

Guy here, going through a tough separation/divorce.  And I have to say.... I feel so much better after reading this.  I know I have issues that I'm working on, but dang....nothing remotely close to the problems this guy has.  Thanks for making a sucky time in my life a little brighter...lol.  

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

No worries.  He's not moving in with me.  He's signed up for a year at his place that he got for him and his daughters.  Even if he didn't, he wouldn't be moving in with me.

Promise I'm not budging there even if I could, no matter how hard it would be.

I've been focusing on me.  Trying to stay present.  I'm doing better than I ever have.  Still hard though.

"Didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it," It's on repeat! THANK YOU!!

Glad I could make your day better Dave02Dad!

 

Rags's picture

You keep serving yourself up to this idiot as his repeat victim and you keep getting destroyed emotionally, mentally, and not to mention the physical abuse which should have been the point at which you put his ass in prison.

Until you grow some brain cells and start valuing yourself you will always be a victim.

So, when are you going to actually use your brain?

As long as you have anything to do with this abusive child worshipping POS it will remain hard.

Why make it hard?  It does not have to be.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi all! Just checking in. 

I'm all moved into my new apartment. 

It was a hard few days packing and moving but I did it. Got it done. 

I cried a lot during and even today. I think it's because even though I moved to the other apartment without him, that didn't last. So we lived together till June. 

This is officially my first place alone without him. So it's sad, cause it's real. 

It's also exciting cause it's a fresh start.

I'm feeling mixed emotions. 

I did it though. 

 

 

Rags's picture

Enjoy your new life adventure.  Don't let him invade your new life.  Block him and protect your life from any infection by him or his past.

Take care of you.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hello everyone! I hope you're all safe and well.

Just checking in. I could use some support. 

My daughter and I saw my step daughters this week before they went home to their mom out of state. It was nice seeing them. They were super excited to see us and full of hugs and love. 
 

Of course after seeing them, I cried on the way home, because it did hit me that a lot of their behavior is not their fault. That it stems from their parents. But they're not horrible girls.

It also hit me that I am very sad and my daughter said the same thing she was very sad because the life that we used to have with them when it was good it's not the same anymore. I never really had that kind of a family growing up. The kind of family that I try to provide when we were all together as a blended family so my daughter got used to that and I did as well and now we're back to square one. It's OK because my daughter is grown, but it's still very hard for both of us.

my soon to be ex-husband or wherever we are right now took them to the airport today and they are back home with her mom out of state. Not sure when they'll be back probably during the holidays.

So as I've mentioned before, I have this crazy insecurity now, because I know that my husband that I am living apart from is free to do whatever he wants from drinking a lot again to sparking a new romance with someone else, etc. which is really hard for me to think about. 

i get scared that I screwed up and now he's alone and up for grabs and some woman will get the good of him that I love so much.

tomorrow is my birthday, and I am finding myself the last two days in a very bad depression I'm also having bouts of anger. I am just really sad that I'm going to be 46 years old tomorrow and what now? What about the family that I try to have? What about not finding someone who is like him in the ways that I loved him?

 He randomly texted yesterday to meet him and the girls out for dinner which I declined. That made me feel sad because I thigh what if we're gonna be a family again? The thought of that was sad. It's what we used to always do.

He also messaged me last week and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday which was very random to me because I wasn't expecting that. But I guess since we've been doing it together for 12 years he thought that maybe we should. I told him I needed to think about it but didn't respond because I didn't think it was a good idea. I mean, I couldn't handle not crying after seeing the girls. Can you imagine if I saw him?

So I am left the date for my birthday again wondering if I did the right thing, wondering if this is all my fault and if things could be different?, Wondering if he is OK OK without seeing me because I made him fall out of love with me because maybe I was too high maintenance with regards to the marriage and the girls. All at the same time knowing that that's probably not true.

i'm going into my 46 birthday worrying about what if? And I'm just feeling really down and sad and just really really bad.

I know some of this probably doesn't even make sense at this point but it's just where I'm at today so I was hoping to get some support here. Thank you!

StepUltimate's picture

I am scared of getting in a similar place as you, the way things are in my marriage. I am so sorry for the pain and confusion. I love my DH too, but unsure how to continue without being able to trust, and being at nearly the exact same age as you. 

Sending you hugs & support, 

Rags's picture

Why haven't you just completely blocked this guy and gone to zero contact other than through your attorney?

You and your DD are in some kind of mutual self flagulation cycle that just feeds on itself.

Please... get the lawyer, file for divorce, block any contact with this guy and get on with your life.

We are months into this thread and other than getting your apartment... nothing substantive has changed.  You still serve yourself up as this guys victim, you beat yourself over and over and over again for absolutely no reason.

Why are you hell bent on flagilating yourself so brutally in this non-relationship?

Stop it!

NOW!

Peach's picture

I just read through your whole thread, and I can relate.  The situation you described was my marriage with my ex-husband.  We also had children.  I can tell you that I thought the same thing as you - will I have gone through all of this stuff for someone else to get the best of him?  If I keep trying, will things change.. will he get better?  is it me nagging him?  My ex didn't drink a lot, but when he did, it was not good.  He actually threw a loaded gun at me in anger.   He punched walls and broke his hand - lied and told everyone that he fell.  He shoved me.  He screamed at me.  Somehow, this was all my fault and he didn't have control over it.  They go through cycles when they do better, then it swings the other way.  Right now, he will work to get you back... don't let him.  

This was 10+ years ago for me.  I can tell you that after our divorce he we through 3 different engagements and several girlfriends.  They can try and hide who they truly are, but it never leaves - it is their true personality.  I get along with my ex now - we have children together and I try to maintain a good relationship for them.  My older son is married and lives on his own now.  My ex and his new wife came to visit them.  We had breakfast together.  I really liked his new wife... and, I felt sorry for her.  She is roped in.  My daughter in law told me that she heard him tell his wife of a year to "shut the f&%^ up."  They don't change.

They don't change... keep telling yourself that.  It is the truth.  The violence, the alcohol, all of it grows and grows.  Don't let him woo you back with false promises.  i wasted 20 years of my life like this.  20 years.  Don't make the same mistake that I made.  When I left him, my cousin told me it looked like I shed 10 years of age off my face.  That is what a miserable, gaslighting, soul-sucking narcissistic person will do to you.  Save the years - I beg you.  Right now, he will try to get you back.  Don't let him fool you.  You have a lot of life left.

Rags's picture

I am so happy that you have moved on.  When my XW and I divorced I had several people tell me I looked may years younger. In fact, the weekend she moved out I had a couple of good friends comment on how much younger I seemed. She moved out 2mos after our second anniversary. Our divorce was final 5mos later.  I went from a 40yo looking 26yo to a 20yo looking young man in short order. It took 2 years to age nearly 20 years. And only a weekend to gain back my youth and vigor.

 

 

 

The_Upgrade's picture

So as I've mentioned before, I have this crazy insecurity now, because I know that my husband that I am living apart from is free to do whatever he wants from drinking a lot again to sparking a new romance with someone else, etc. which is really hard for me to think about. 

i get scared that I screwed up and now he's alone and up for grabs and some woman will get the good of him that I love so much.

Odds are if some woman gets him she won't be getting anything good. He may be able to hide it for a while and snare the next one but it won't be long before she's in the exact position you were in. Second or third place to the SDs. He doesn't know how else to function otherwise he would've figured it out a lot earlier than 12 friggen years. Poor poor next lady....

PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR TOMORROW. Start a new chapter in your life. Make it all about you. Treat yourself to something nice. A dayspa or a meal with your daughter at the best restaurant in town. You deserve it. X

Livingoutloud's picture

He is a violent alcoholic and you worry that other women would get him. He isn't any kind of catch neither for you nor for other women. 

Jojo4124's picture

There is no closure with a narcissist...

sounds like he

May be one with the devalue

n discard,

It is what they do...

In fact, now that you gave

him a 'narcissistic injury' by 

Leaving him, he will try to hurt

you more by posting

Pics of his new love (victim)

to show you how wonderful

they have it

Dont fall for it. Cut him off.

..no contact except emails that

Can be shown to police if

necessary

Cut off social media contact

with him and any

Avenue he could use to cause

you pain

Narcissists get supply,

or fulfilment, from seeing you have

Feelings that they caused.

Research narcissistic

abuse and learn to gray rock

When you have to communicate

with him

Gray rock shows zero emotion,

like u r bored..."is that so?

Too bad, etc"

You have to be strong you

can do this!

Jojo4124's picture

Not sure y my post looks like it does

Plz research healing from

Narcissistic abuse...even if he

Isnt one, you will get stronger 

My first husb. Was a narc

 

Evil3's picture

THIS!!!!

I love watching Dr. Ramani Durvasula videos on youtube. She gives great details on NPD. Very enlightening.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

 

 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Hi everyone.  Checking in.

I still haven't gone back.  Still stayed away.  His daughters went back to their mom.  He hasn't really tried to fix anything.  He's still just going about his business.

He told me the other day he couldn't afford the house on his own.  You know, the one he moved to, to impress his daughters part time?  He said he didn't know how he was making it but he is.  He's been getting a ton of overtime and able to make ends meet.

I'm glad that he can do it but I just don't understand how he never gets the lesson because he's always covered by God, the Universe or whatever it is.  Got out of a 6th DUI with no probation, nothing.  Got out of the lesson of screwing up the marriage with his wife.  Separation is not bothering him at all.  He's covered always.

I have been crying a lot the last few days.  I think it's cause I had to get off of my meds.  They were giving horrible side effects and now I'm really able to feel some of the emotions that were hidden under the meds.

I'm not gonna lie I did send him a long text that I was hurt. I thought he would be fighting for us, etc.  That he would show change.

His answer was that he has changed. He's drinking less, working more and all around happier.  

That really hurt me.

I feel like he used me for many years, for a place to stay for him and his girls.  Until he was forced to move and now that he doesn't need me anymore he doesn't care.  

He told me that I chose to move to my one bedroom apartment and to be happy there.  To not tell him what he's not doing anymore.

That how is he not getting the short end of the stick?  That it's just him that has to change.

He really thinks that I did all of this for nothing. Or won't admit it.  

Because he said he got the short end of the stick, and is acting like he is happier/doesn't care, etc. just again, makes me feel like I was irrational.  Made a bad decision too quickly without giving him a chance.  

I know it's probably not right.

I just don't know how to get through the real pain of it now.  Of the feeling of being used, taken for granted, discarded in a sense.  Which I know doesn't maybe make sense considering I made him move out.

Can you all just chime in here.  The one's who know my story or who have been in a similar situation.  Because I'm feeling vulnerable and weak.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

All i can say is that until you find happiness within yourself, and no longer care what he thinks or does, you will be stuck. You have to find a way to be happy alone. To realize that you are enough. Because you are! I know it's harder than it sounds because i am still struggling too, but i am convinced that this is the only way. 

CLove's picture

Hes a F@ckwit, plain and simple. Read your original posts as to how bad things got. I do this when I "forget" the bad about Feral Forger.

Just do this bandaid-style and rip it off. 

Try not to untangle the skein of f@cked upededness. It will make you tired and confused (more so).

Take your time grieving. All the emotions will surface all of a sudden. Grieving for the relationship you thought you had. Let it happen.

Evil3's picture

He's a narcissist and acting like they're better off without you is what they do. They use people, they gaslight them, take them for granted, they turn things around to make out like it's you and that they did nothing wrong. They seem to get away with what they do for a long time. The day will come that he no longer gets away with what he does and it'll be big. You'll see that day and thank your lucky stars that you are no longer tied to him.

You really need to remind yourself that he was a shitty spouse not because you did anything wrong but because he is a shitty person. I hope you're continuing with therapy so that you can really adopt that belief and be really strong in it.

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Thank you!

I'm working on loving myself. That's going to take some time. But I'm doing it. Day by day.

You're so right on that all of the emotions come up at once. It's a lot. Along with the stress at work. I feel like I'm going to lose it sometimes. 

I did have a melt down on Friday. The worst panic attack of my life. I felt like I had to get admitted. Got through it. 
 

I am in the process of finding a new therapist. I like mine but don't love her sometimes but then also don't want to start over again with someone new.

I have stuck with my yoga, podcasts and reading. Even added kickboxing to my routine.

I needed to hear all of this. How he's pretending, etc. 

I am taking your advice on going back and reading from the start. 
 

I am starting to focus on the bad which is hard to relive but I think it'll help with moving on.

I wish life wasn't the way it was now with COVID. It would help if I  could be social. It's hard living and being with someone everyday for 12 years to all alone. 

It's tough. 

I'm here, taking it day by day. You all help me stay strong when I feel weak and want to save and bring my blended family back together.  

Thank you a million times ❤️