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I feel so lost and let down

ShadowAthena's picture

This is so difficult. I hate DH's ex. She's been horrible about me on social media, before she even knew me. She's been evil, manipulative, demanding, degrading, childish, insulting and petty. She has actually made my depression so much worse. I've suffered for two years with her being horrible. Recently I tried to get a fresh start with her for our kids' sake. She hasn't even bothered responding. 

I was hoping DH would continue with court because we needed this. I needed this. I needed a win against her and I felt strongly that we'd get somewhere with court. But last week DH withdrew from court. And I feel like all my work going into helping him was pointless. Like he's just going to let his ex walk all over him. And in doing so, he's ruining our marriage and our daughters and unborn sons lives. He's at the mercy of this horrible person, and there's nothing I can do anymore. 

I just wanted to put all the evidence I had in front of her so I could show her the mistakes she's made. 

I feel so worthless right now. 

ShadowAthena's picture

Dh and the ex came to an agreement out of court. One that will cost us a fortune each year. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I remember hoping for a "win" in court, HA! There is no winning in court. It's rare that they totally side with one person, usually they come to a middle ground that no one is happy with. And many of them still strongly favor mothers, even dysfunctional ones.

Settling out of court was the best thing he could do. Perhaps it's time for you to let DH go. I personally would never have stayed if BM targeted me. No man is worth that.

ShadowAthena's picture

With the evidence I had gathered, bm would have been screwed. Social services have been involved in bms case 3 times now over the past 2 years. It'll cost us £1000 a year easy just for travel. That's a minimum. We're on an extremely low income.

My husband has gone to cms to get everything looked at again, shared care and special expenses. Should be better after that. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Usually settling out of court is the best thing. It is better to take the devil you know- as long as it isn't a 100% stacked against you situation. 

Also keep in mind that it is fairly easy to get a CS recalculation hearing. There really doesn't even need to be a lawyer for that- they both just present pay stubs and it is math. So if the visitation is something he is agreeable to, then go back in 6 months for a financial hardship and recalculate the CS (I am assuming that is what is costing you so much).

Rags's picture

I am team keep going to court until the toxic opposition stops their crap.  It is far easier for the CP side of the blended family picture. Particularly when the BM is the CP.  But... toxic should never be allowed to run amok without consequence IMHO.  Someone mentioned above that no one comes out of family law court happy. That is entirely true in my blended family experience. Even for the winner.  No one gets everything they want and for some reason "the best interests of the child(ren)" is little more than bullshit when it comes to family court. Far too many of these courts give custody to a shitty parent, rape another parent financially, one that is likely to be a much better parent since usually they are the higher earner, and tolerate one side or the other  being toxic idiots.

Your DH lost his balls. Sadly.  And in surrendering his testicles to his X, he sacrificed you, your marriage and your children to his failed family and likely has created another failed family.  Ball-less wonders can rarely recover the respect of their spouse when they fold and cater to their X and failed family spawn.

Sad.

IMHO of course.

ShadowAthena's picture

Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. 

Our next step is the DNA test. I hope SD isn't my husband's kid. It would make everything so much easier. 

My husband also plans to talk to her while we have her to see how things are at home. If he isn't happy then he says he'll go back to court. More paperwork. 

If he does end up going back, I'm not helping him. I'm getting to the point where I feel like "not my kid, not my problem". But I know SD deserves better. I only fight so much because I know that, sometimes I feel like I care more than my husband does....

Kerrywho's picture

So first off,

 

Why would you chose to be with a man who's ex was so toxic towards you? For me that would be a deal breaker. No man is worth being the punching bag of another woman. You should've respected yourself and left. People can only treat you like garabage if you let them. You chose to stay to continue to be a 'victim'. 

 

Secondly,

 

Why would you get pregnant with a man who's ex is so negatively impacting your life? Now you just tied yourself to a man with toxic baggage and god knows what your kids will be subjected to because of it. 

 

If I were you, I'd start to make better choices