You are here

I feel like an evil person- and I don't really care

Rainydaze777's picture

Hi! 

I just signed up on this site because I feel like I'm becoming unhinged- maybe it's a good thing to vent.

I might get a bunch of replies saying how evil I am- but oh well, I just want to lay it all out there somewhere because normally I can keep it to myself, but I'm starting to lose my temper at my fiancée outwardly now.

The situation:

Getting married to a really cool and amazing man- I think the world of him- he's seriously the best.

Im 34, never bern married, no kids, just finished a degree, own a small business and backpacked alone through a lot of the world on and off for a few years-- needless to say, my lifestyle doesn't really have room for a child, and I don't want my own children.

Fiance has a 12 year old daughter that hasn't been in his life very much due to BM drama- he loves his daughter very much. Anyway- it's looking like his relationship with his daughter is going to become a regular occurrence. He's thinking she'll come every second weekend- I currently live out of country waiting on immigration- 

So here it is- the ugly truth; I don't want anything to do with his daughter, and especially not the BM, in fact I've told him nit to talk about the BM to me AT ALL- not under any circumstances- no stories, no complaints about her- NOTHING. I aso told him I'll not be meeting the BM, not one single time. I've never met his daughter, and I honestly don't care if I ever do. We currently are long distance- but I said that I'll go out of town on the weekends his daughter visits- I've been a traveller by myself for years, and I'm an artist ( a painter) I would actually enjoy going on adventures by myself ever second weekend and checking out art scenes in other places etc.

Of course my fiancé wants me to be involved in his daughters life with him and I REALLY don't want to, and I don't see why I have to? Can't they just have a relationship? They've barely seen eachother in years anyway- they can hang out without me there ffs.

The grandmother ( his mom) told the ex he's getting married ( to rub it in her face lol) the BM got mad, told the daughter, the daughter started crying and wouldn't talk to him smh. I really don't want to deal with this- I have a great life- why can't he just have a relationship with his daughter that doesn't involve me in ANY way? I lost my temper with him tonight after he said he wants me to be involved with his daughter- I told him to stop saying that because it infuriates me and I have been saying for 2 years I'll just go out of town so they can hang out together- I told him that's all I can handle- seriously. I've always had a hard rule not to date divorced men with kids- I broke my rule and it's turning into just as big of a nightmare as I imagined.

and we've already started fighting because he'll defend his perfect angel against me every time-  it just happened tonight and I'm furious already.

Is this a delusional request of me? To not be involved in this AT ALL?Because it seems reasonable to me in my own head lol. I feel like f I set my boundaries and nip this in the bud right now- it might be a situation I can live with 

And no I'm not a troll- I'm completely serious 

oneoffour's picture

He is always one breath away from being her only living parent. If that is too much for you to cope with then break it off and stick to your decision to only get involved with men who donot want children.

I am not saying you are evil because you are not. But this man has the one thing you cannot and do not want in your life. A child. Yes, one day she will grow up and away. But right now he is stepping up and being a father to his daughter which is admirable in this day and age. She is his future for his genes. She carries half his DNA. She is important in his life. You don't want that kind of relationship then set him free to find someone who is more than 50% engaged in his life.

 

And just because YOU want to cope with her this way does not mean he should fall in with your plans to keep you around. I am sure he thinks once you meet her you will warm to her because she is important in his life. I didn't warm very quickly to my ssons. But if I wanted to be in their fathers life I knew I would have to change my attitude and see the beauty in these boys. And there is beauty in them. We grew to love each other.

But this is not the life you want. So break it off and wish him well to find someone who is more accepting of his daughter. As I said at the beginning, if his ex died tomorrow he has her 24/7. And I don't thin that is something you can live with.

Rainydaze777's picture

Yeah you could be right and I've thought this exact thing many times.

If she did have to live with us full time I would move out- 

Too old for this's picture

It seems as though your solution is staring you in the face.  He is not the one for you.  It will never get easier to break it off than it is now.

 

Rainydaze777's picture

You may be right.

It's just a bit hard to accept because we had plans- I'm Canadian waiting on usa immigration to move there with him- so my life is pretty much wrapped up and I'm just killing time until I moved there. 

Im fine with staying in Canada- it's a great country- but I've applied to grad school in usa, cut back my business so it's almost ready to close etc. I go to New Orleans quire often because it has a huge art scene- I guess I could start thinking about going there for grad school instead too. Who knows at this point.

I am trying to wrap my head around not going anymore because I really don't want anything to do with the child and ex---- they weren't really around before and now they are-- so I guess I have to decide 

marblefawn's picture

I don't think it's selfish. It's unrealistic, but not selfish.

You need to really think about all the incidentals that could lead to you having to deal with his kid. Yea, BM could die. Their house could burn down and of course, he'll want his darling with him. You could be ready to jet for a weekend away, something happens and he's going to ask you to pick her up or sit with her.

He's TELLING you he wants you involved. And while you have every right not to be, things don't always work out the way we plan. I think it's smart of you to set the boundary now, but don't expect that you can be married to this man and not deal with his baggage at all.

You are at an impasse and I think you don't realize it. If you marry him, you'll be on the hook whether you want to be or not. The question isn't whether you're delusional. The question is why are you buying a fish when what you really want is a bicycle? If you want a man without a kid, MARRY A MAN WITHOUT A KID. Marry a man with a kid and YOU GET THE KID in the package.

Your life sounds great. Why mess it up now?

Rainydaze777's picture

Yes- everything you said is true.

Originally his daughter wasn't involved in his life very much- he's only seen her a few times in the last few years because BM turned the child against him- so our relationship hasn't involved her much, and he lived in a different state than the daughter and BM- he's moved back to the same state this month now. The daughter and BM would rarely even answer his calls.

I have voiced my concerns about being involved with a man who had an ex and a child to him and he assured me that it was not going to be the nightmare I was imagining in my head;  and that he would always put me and our relationship first- and if his ex caused problems for our relationship he would just back off and let his daughter reach out to him if she wanted to and cut out all the drama.

Anyway- of course since he's moved back to the same state and his daughter is talking to him somewhat- he's arguing with me defending his precious angel already- I knew this type of thing would happen even though he swore it wouldn't. We also have plans to move to a beach town about 7 hours away from the child and ex- so I was hoping they wouldn't be in my face as much. But of course we had these plans before the daughter started warming up, so who knows now. 

Kes's picture

Personally, with the strength of feeling you have about his daughter, I would be inclined not to marry, but to maybe get your own place near him and just have a relationship with him when his daughter is not around.  But it sounds like he is pushing you to be involved and I hear from you that this is never going to happen.  So maybe you owe it to both of you to not embark on a LTR that is going to be difficult for both of you from the outset.  The terms have changed since you started with him and maybe it's now no good for either of you. 

Rainydaze777's picture

I do understand what you're saying.

My reply isn't arguing with you- more just thinking out loud

maybe I'm just stubborn and hard headed- I just really don't get why I need to be involved with his daughter at all? She also wants nothing to do with me- she started crying when she found out about me and ignored him. Why should we be forced to be around each other when neither of us wants to? I'm happy to go on solo adventures every second weekend and Im good friends with his sister in law- she has a lake house I can visit as well for a girls weekend. Then his daughter can have him to herself and they can catch up since they've been separated for years- it'll give them a chance to reconnect without me being a third wheel when I don't even want to.

I don't want to be around, his ex doesn't want me around the kid, the daughter doesn't want me around.

Literally the only person who would benefit from forcing it, is him ( at the expense of everyone else) 

Rainydaze777's picture

As for getting my own place- it's not possible due to immigration. I have to live with him to prove the marriage isn't immigration fraud- if we don't get married I might as well just start my business back up here in canada and start building my life back up that I've stripped down in order to move there with him.

We've been together two years long distance and I'm done long distance- it's taken it's toll on me and either we live together and get married or I'm done. I'm supposed to move in sept and we've built both of our lives around this relationship and this move down there-- the daughter coming back is a recent development and if she decides to go back to hating him again because of BM- I'm not coming back. If I'm gone, I'm gone.

 

Rainydaze777's picture

Honestly I can't stand the thought of coming second and it's not something I'm willing to tolerate- I guess it all boils down to that and it disgusted me when he was defending her against me.

I suppose I have a lot of that to look forward to if I stay lol

fairyo's picture

The problem is you compromised on your own standards- you know you don't want children with him (or anyone) you didn't want a relationship with a man with children (and this gets harder as we get older) but yet you justified this by thinking he didn't have much to do with her. Maybe she was just something in a closet he would take out now and again and you could live with that, right? Now you are tied into a commitment to need him because you see a life for yourself in his country and you can't have that without him. Now that thing in the closet seems to be being taken out more and more and sometimes it has baggage with it too, and heaven forfend may at some time not be put back again.

You seem very self aware and I applaud that- you have so much going for you that I feel confident you will sort this out in your own head and heart.

He's a cool and amazing man you think the world of, and you say he's the best. Those kind of justifications at the start of a vent on here tend to ring alarm bells with us. There are lots of cool and amazing men out there and some of them don't even have children.

You don't want to come second, but you are feeling that reality already- it is what you will be over and over if you contimue. I think you have already talked yourself through this and this man has a lot to lose if you walk away.

You are a cooler and more amazing woman, you deserve someone who thinks the world of you and thinks you are the best too. With him, there will always be that thing in the cupboard- go find someone with an empty closet and be happy.

Rainydaze777's picture

Good post- and you're right.

I know all of this- just trying to rationalize it all way lol

thank you xo

Saint_Gus's picture

As great a guy as you think he is, you aren't compatible. Move on. This relationship will just cause heartache to all involved. It's not fair. He should have a relationship with his daughter, it seems like you realize this. I don't understand how you can't see that you guys are fundamentally incompatible on evey level. It won't ever work. Move on.

Rainydaze777's picture

Actually we are compatible on almost every level.

I feel bad for him if the daughter and baby mama go cold on him again and he's left with no daughter, and also no wife.

It's unfortunate 

Lndsy747's picture

You definitely need to move on. If you're refusing to meet her at all then you're essentially asking him to choose one of you and that's not fair. Like other posters have said you never know what will happen. My SD lived half way across the country and they hasn't spoken in months when we met. I never wanted to be with someone with kids. Six months later after we've moved in together he gets a call from BM saying they're moving back to our state. I was way more open minded then you and it's worked out well over all.

It's is so unrealistic to marry and move in and expect not to meet her. There may be a time she gets sick at school and needs him to pick her up or spending holidays together or we've ended up with SD for longer periods when she's not in school.

Also it does sound like he's probably secretly hoping that you'll change your mind or that once you meet each other things will all work out.

Rainydaze777's picture

I didn't say that I wouldn't meet her, or even have lunch or dinner with them once in a blue moon- it's just the BM I refuse to meet or engage with on any level.

I just don't WANT to meet the daughter lol

But that aside- I totally get your point.

Rainydaze777's picture

You're right about me not being open minded- and unfortunately I'm finding myself even less open minded than I was before- I'm actually starting to become unreasonable and ridiculous about it.

elkclan's picture

I think you are pretty selfish in refusig to meet his child - would you meet his brother or mother or any other family member? But frankly, I would drop anyone who refused to even MEET my child. 

Rainydaze777's picture

I would definitely refuse to meet your child.

any yes I would refuse to meet or be involved with his brother, if his brother hated me before I even met him and was causing problems.

I'd simply tell him to enjoy his time and relationship with his brother without involving me in it- and if his brother had to move in- I would move out

elkclan's picture

Ha ha - maybe there is something wrong with you. Why are you so so so anti-child?  You come here asking for advice and then say you would definitely refuse to meet MY child when you don't like the advice - getting all personal. But don't worry - that wasn't on offer.

I'm sure you're an interesting person. Well traveled, artistic, etc. I'm sure you have many fine qualities. But when you claim to love someone and reject their child out-of-hand and when you obviously and personally go after some random internet stranger's child when I'm sure you have an understanding of what a low-blow that is - that's not the sign of a good person. It's up to you whether you wish to be a good person. You don't have to be - there's no obligation.  As it is, your blow didn't land. I have loads of interesting people in my life and many of them are even good people and some of them even enjoy the company of my child (who happens to be pretty funny and engaging, but certainly not without his foibles and annoying qualities). 

What is best for you is to be with someone who doesn't have children so that your vision of the way you want your life isnt threatened and what's best for your partner is to be with someone who can accept the reality of his daughter and treat her with dignity and kindness and respect at a minimum. 

As to hating someone before you meet them - how could you? You can hate the idea of someone or resent their role in your life - for you do have a role in the daughter's life - even if it's only as dad's recalcitrant girlfriend who is apparently horrified and disgusted by the thought of her or being engaged with her.  

 

still learning's picture

If you want to come to our crazy country and go to University of New Orleans we welcome you with open arms! NEWSFLASH: you don't have to marry an incompatible man to do it. Just come, we need more awesome women here and who knows, maybe you'll meet a man more compatible who you can build the kind of life you want with.  

Parenting is upredictable and you never know what will happen from day to day. Echoing what others have said, I've seen non custodial parents become the full-time parent overnight. BM could get a different job, she could get remarried/divorced and decide that daddy should take more of the responsibility. The possibilities are endless and the daughter will always be in his life, even and probably especially when she's an adult. It never ends.  When DH and I got married his 29 year old son decided he needed more time and support from dad, not even kidding. It took years to wean him back off the teat and get him out of my house. 

Beware and follow your brain, not your heart ;)  

Rainydaze777's picture

Great advice and post- thank you.

Its my own damn fault for going against my dating rules and getting involved with a man with kids in the first place-- he really did make it seem as if I was imagining the worst and he would manage the situation and it wouldn't be a problem at all. I should have known better.

StepUltimate's picture

... as they say, don't "should" on yourself, that's the past. You can only go forward. I tend to kick myself hard & isn't it true that our gut is right. Just hard in hindsight not to be harsh on yourself. Disengaging is helping me deal with my SS18 & where things are at in the Launch Plan.

Glad you found ST!

icanteven's picture

1) You're not evil. So many people have been where you are. I was somewhat one of them. The details were a little different, but many of the attitudes are the same. From my experience, this won't get better. You know you're not an evil person. All of us here see you're not an evil person. Your partner will think you are one when he sees that you're not going to change your mind on this stuff. (My husband calls me evil all the time for this.) 

2) so many non-custodial dads (this may apply to non-custodial moms, too, but I don't know any personally) idealize their kids and think that if anyone doesn't like them or want to be around them, all they need is to be around them more and then they'll fall in love with them. Of course, this has the opposite effect. My husband was like this. I said, "I really am having a hard time with your son. His personality type is one I've found distasteful all my life and he's too hyper. I need a way to escape from him when he's here." (I wanted my husband to keep him out of our bedroom. He wouldn't.) He responded to this by making sure I couldn't get a moment's break from his son, tagging me in pictures of him all over social media while I was at work, and talking nonstop about how great he is. I came to hate the kid's entire existence very quickly because I asked for space and he jammed him down my throat. I've heard this so many times and it could happen to you. 

 

3) He will want custody. Every non-custodial parent has this fantasy that their kid will decide to come live wirh them one day. Some of the time, this actually happens. You don't want that. My husband got 50% custody last year and I bawled when the judge handed down her ruling. Everyone thought I was happy, but i felt like I died. It's been even worse than I imagined. Most dads want this, or nearly this, and increasingly, they get it. Don't put yourself in this position.

 

4) Being a stepparent is a life where your priorities are inherently at odds with your partner's. They want that kid there every minute they can be. You will want them to go home from the minute they arrive. 

 

5) If the other parent dies, you're screwed. My husband's ex has a strong family history of early onset cancer and is the same age now as her parents were when they died. I pray for that wretched woman's health every day of my life because she needs to raise her own brat. My husband fantasizes about her death so he can have sole custody. The fact that that could realistically happen is so scary.

 

TL:DR RUN. This does not get better.

Rainydaze777's picture

This post is my worst nightmare and makes me sick to my stomach just reading it because I know it it's all true.

Im glad I came and posted on this site because everyone is so right, helpful and honest. It's forced me to acknowledge things and realize their truth as I've been trying to shove them out of my mind.

You're definitely right as well that he will want custody- he mentioned once how would I feel about her living with us and I flew off the handle so badly he's never mentioned it again though lol- so I know it's in his head.

Also- I do think he's going to try and force her on me- I think think you're right because Ive resisted for 2 years now and just yesterday he said he wants me involved again ( as if he hasn't heard a word I've said for 2 years)- so I lost it again-- you're definitely right that he probably thinks the more Im around her that I'll fall in love with her- but it's at the point just the mention of her f ing name sends me into a rage now- he just can't see it because I'm in Canada at the moment- I'm starting to lash out openly a bit now too.

Im so bloody mad at myself- I damn well knew better and have stayed away from guys with kids.

Yesterday when he snapped at me in defence of her, overly literally nothing, I knew I was in a bad spot- I  didn't  even say anything rude or mean- just asking questions. I'm not going to play second fiddle to some brat and her white trash idiot mother. 

thanks so much for your post- all of you might just be saving me from a nightmare.

Ive actually been think all day of moving to the west coast here in Canada lol- great art scene and I love pacific northwest scenery and weather

icanteven's picture

I especially understand the long distance dynamic. My husband and I met at a vacation resort, and I was in grad school at the time in a state about 30 hours by car from the state he lived in. I'd see him on breaks, and I did meet his son and his blithering idiot of an ex. I even raised the issues I saw, and he totally brushed them off. 

In retrospect, I should have run when we were talking about eloping to a certain destination, just the two of us, and he said, "maybe we should bring [stepson] with us. He'd love it." I flipped out. I said, "I've spent the last two years in grad school not even being able to see you most of the time and now you want me to spend our honeymoon chasing your kid around?? He has a mother. Leave him with her." (The kid was 3 at the time, slept in his mother's bed every night, still breastfeeding, in diapers... it would have been a nightmare.) 

We moved in together 2 years into our relationship. He got visitation a few weeks later, and then our lives became consumed with him fighting for more and more visitation, and since I make a lot more money than he does, I was expected to pay for the legal fees for this!! 

To this day, he spends about as much time as I spend at work, agonizing over the visitation calendar, trying to scam more time with the kid and get one over on his ex. Like, he never makes an effort to spend time or do things with me, but he puts so much into trying to get extra time with the kid and he already has 50% of the time anyway!! I can't even keep the disgust off my face anymore when he talks about it. 

I look back on what it was like before we moved in together. I was this PhD candidate who was pretty busy and stressed (I have kids, too, and being a single mom isn't easy), but I was free. I didn't have to deal with my life being run by some brat I'm not even allowed to discipline, who's allowed to come into my home (and it is MY home. I bought it.) and completely horrify me and my kids, and honestly, I wish I had run when I had the chance. Going from long distance to stepparent feels like death. 

Blue Moon's picture

OMG, may I ask, why do you stay? That seems positively awful and you say you make good money so logically, you could «escape», no??

ldvilen's picture

Love this comment, “Being a stepparent is a life where your priorities are inherently at odds with your partner's.”  They don’t have to be as much as they usually are, but this is imposed on us by the society in which we live.  As far as Am. society is concerned, someone else's divorce in effect takes priority over a bio-SP marriage in pretty much every way imaginable. 

You’d think the general thought would be that parenting issues are the responsibility of the parents and that marital issues are the responsibility of husband and wife; however, a lot of what really are marital issues will quickly and easily get twisted into parenting issues just so someone can have their way/ territorial rights.  You’ll hear, “for the sake of the children,” “kids are first,” and so on all the time.  Thus, what a SP might think is obvious and any other married couple can take for granted, such as being able to sit with your husband at an event, can oh-so-easily be twisted into something like, “you are Evil SM just for wanting to sit w/ your husband because the only/ main thing that matters here are the parents.”  So, if BM or SK ever wants to take your seat/ role next to your husband (either literally or figuratively), you are expected to quietly defer, no matter how many years have passed.  And, you get to rinse and repeat when step grand-kids start to come along.

And, why in God’s name anyone would think that a woman is supposed to settle for being sloppy seconds the rest of her life just because she married a man with children from a previous relationship is beyond me.  And, especially if you have no children of your own.  If you have no children of your own in this situation, you miss out on being a real parent AND on being a real wife.  Way too much for anyone to ask.

notasm3's picture

I totally understand your feelings.  That was me in my youth.  I never wanted to marry a man with kids and so I didn't.  I had a great relationship with a great guy when I was in my mid 20s.  I can look back and see that I was not fair to him at all.  I loved dating him.  It was a lot of fun.  We were so compatible - but I knew I could never marry him - but I think I forgot to tell him that.  He had a daughter who was about 9 I think - I never met her even though we all lived in the same area.  He would have been a great husband - but I dismissed him because of the child.

My current DH has a grown son - a worthless POS.  But as we are older (retirement age) I basically have NOTHING to do with his stupid crotch dropping.

Rainydaze777's picture

Good for you! There's no reason you need to have anything to do with his kid

Kes's picture

I am glad icanteven's post has given you food for thought because there are things in it that are common to most of us here.  The fact that Dads think their kid is the best thing since sliced bread when in reality they're spoiled, entitlted, difficult brats.  The wanting more time with them, when you don't.  The bigging them up all the time, including on social media.  My DH talks about his daughters in glowing terms and even a tiny achievement of theirs is talked about as if they've won the Nobel prize.  He does it more over the years and can't see how it's achieving the opposite effect from the one he wants, ie for me to like and admire them more. 

Rainydaze777's picture

Yes, that's kinda what I was thinking today as well.

Let's say in a perfect world that he did go along with my idea to not be involved with her--- I'm at the point now that I don't even want to hear her name or hear any bloody stories about her AT ALL. That's not fair to him that it's at the point that he can't even mention her lol.

And I realized that I'd be spending half my life angry because she's not going away ever- so I have to hear about her, and if I'm ever around her I'll have to hear stories about her loser mother which also infuriates me. The daughter is already treating him poorly and he can't see it and just takes it- thinking she's the best thing ever. It's nauseating and pathetic honestly. I hate seeing him like that- massive turn off.

Im really picky about the people I allow into my life because I like to be happy, so I tend to be around really great people that I connect well with- it pisses me off to no end that these two  will be forced on me against my will. 

Im really glad I came to this site to let all of this out- I've been being delusional too long and pretending it's all going to be fine. 

Im going to take a step back and see how things go-- no wedding for a while, if at all ( it's easy to postpone or cancel because we just planned a little one at the beach with just the two of us) 

I really need to take a step back for a while- I can go visit him in usa and keep my life going here- we don't need to get married right now. I'm not cancelling because everyone talked me out of it, Im cancelling because all of your post made me acknowledge things I've been refusing to address and it's time that I have to.

Rainydaze777's picture

I was up tossing and turning until 3:30 am last night furious. I was exhausted for work and volunteering today.

I was thinking to myself how many more sleepless  nights will I have over this is I stay? Imagine how bad it'll be if she's at my house, or tells me some story about her mother ( her father knows better not to mention his exes name- but the kid doesn't) 

I'll never sleep and be angry and a miserable hag all the time- probably won't want to paint, won't want to have sex with him because the kid reminds me of his ex and watching him grovel to his teenage brat will make me sick. I'll be mad everytime he pays child support- watching money leave our house into his dumpy loser ex wife's account..... if I catch him giving extra cash to the ex under any circumstances then hell hath no fury......

He said his daughter texted him pics the other day from her mom's phone and I just know it's probably pics of her and her mother going to MY man's phone- then it dawned on me he's not mine- he belongs to those two fools forever as well and they're going to be a constant presence like a couple of bugs you can't get rid of.

Sorry I'm ranting- just needed to let this all out.

thinkthrice's picture

Is StepMOM lite. Have you thought about what would happen if she repeats everything you said to her father over at her mother's house and literally is being encouraged to spy on you by mom?  Which happens all.the.time.

Go with your gut!  You are already getting visions of stepHELL future!

 Find a nice man without a previously enjoyed family.   Somehow these BMs seem to find unencumbered men to act as ATMs and do their bidding.  How much more so should a guy with no kids be attracted to a single, independent woman with no kids?    There are many no kids/don't want kids dating sites out there.  childfree.com is one them, I believe. 

icanteven's picture

OMG I was thinking about this last night. My stepson is with us for a week and a half right now and last night, we got take out for dinner. Not healthy, but whatever. My husband sat next to him saying, "good job eating that pizza, boo boo!" And every time he'd finish a slice, he'd say, "Daddy is proud of you for eating and growing but and strong!!" 

Meanwhile, my kids made the honor roll, played on the soccer team that won the league championship, and won awards for art and debate, and he says, "So what? They give that stuff to anyone these days." Yet, falls all over his kid, who is utterly horrible in every respect, for eating f'ing pizza. What kid WON'T eat pizza??

This is a common thing. It's like that with literally everything. This kid puts his own shoes on and they practically give him a trophy. He's almost 7, and now loves to regale us with tales about how he's the best at everything. It's great. I know I'm not alone in this. It is extremely common. 

Rainydaze777's picture

This reminds me of my mother- my mom was a single a mom and for a while I had a stepdad that had a daughter. Daughter  was lazy, spoiled, dumb as a sack of bricks, yet was treated as the princess and her father couldn't understand why everyone didn't think her making her bed deserved a nobel prize.

She was a disgusting moron who turned out getting knocked up and going on welfare-

meanwhile my brother makes six figures as a high end chef, I'm on my way to grad school- both of us worked our asses off on our own..

Yet stepdads daughter was somehow god's gift to the earth.

Rainydaze777's picture

It didn't matter how well my brother and I did! My poor mother had to listen to the small achievements of his idiot daughter day in and out.

TrueNorth77's picture

OMG. How do you not roll your eyes or “ugh” every time he says that BS about the pizza?? I’m annoyed just reading about it! 

fairyo's picture

Rainy you come across as a very caring, inteligent and creative person. You have so much to offer, and so much of a life to live. I'm only saying this because, at almost 61 years old, I am re-starting my life after walking out on my SO after nine years. When I met him I was very vulnerable, and he  seemed to come into my life at the perfect time. I didn't move countries, but I did move away from family and friends and put all my energies into making our home and garden a lovely place to live. When he admitted that our home meant nothing to him I left.

I also sometimes wonder if Steptalk caused me to leave a relationship I thought was forever, but no, no, no, I came here because things were very wrong and I felt that I could at last, see things much more clearly for what they really were.

You do not have to justify your actions to anyone- you have a life to live and a responsibility to yourself to live it as best you can. I really hope that all the other doors in the house of your life will now open to you and you will step through them and be happy.

I don't regret my relationship, it has made me a much more caring and a kinder person, and I am looking forward to a future free of toxic people whose problems were not of my making, but became an intolerable burden for me to bear.

Keep us posted and let us know how you are getting on.

thinkthrice's picture

is right on the money.   The old adage "blood is thicker than water" is true.  He is already waving red flags in your face by subscribing to the "one big happy family" model. (TM)

Save yourself hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades of pain, hurt, tears, frustration, angst, worry, aggravation, anticipating the fall of the second shoe, misery, heartache, disrespect all the way around, immense health destroying stress, loneliness, hatred (towards you by none other thsn the "love of your life"), coming in 2nd every.single.time.

And what about money?  How much child support ( CS) does he pay?  Will you be expected to pay it for him should he lose income?  Will you be supporting him indirectly (we all do) while he supports the mother of his child?  Canada has some of the most draconian CS laws on the books--the U.S. does as well.  If you like to see your hard earned money fly out the window over to the BM's house than you're in for a treat.

RUN!!!

icanteven's picture

Let me elaborate on this concept slightly as well. If you are a higher earning type of woman, and his ex is not, she may get the idea to attempt to have child support adjusted in light of your income. In most cases, they cannot, but precedent varies by state. Ours did not succeed, but I still had to go to court and fight her off on this. To this day, every time she wants child support modified, one of the reasons is that my husband is living a lifestyle his income wouldn't sustain (it's true. He is, and I do pay for pretty much everything because I make a lot more than he does) so he has no incentive to earn more because I can support us, and therefore her child support should be raised to be basically his entire income, to reflect my contribution. 

When I explained to her how ridiculous it was to expect me to support a kid that isn't mine, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "just look how cute he is. How can you not want to supoort him?" (My stepson is easily the funniest looking kid I've ever seen. He looks and acts just like his mother, so I figure she can keep him.) 

So yeah, get ready to have people feel entitled to your money.

sportslover's picture

I promise you in a few years (or sooner) when you're happily traveling and waking up to peace every single day, you won't barely even remember their names or what he looked like...

I left and found a great guy with no kids at age 48, so it'll be asy as pie for you when you're ready.  I literally thank him almost everyday with a comment of "did I tell you today how happy and thrilled I am that you don't have kids?". You have no idea what really awaits you, it's awful almost 24/7.

and here's a glmpse into the future..because of my NOW life, we are currently planning a leisurely 4-6 MONTH RV trip around the USA and Canada!  You know what I'd be planning if I didn't leave?  To put an icepick into my head at the 25th baseball game in 40 days in the awful humidity and getting treated like a second class citizen, and oh by the way "got any money for the kids' concessions?"  (that they won't appreciate)

PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF

 

 

marblefawn's picture

If this kid just came into his scene in a significant way, you can't really be sure how your BF will settle into parenthood -- he probably doesn't know himself. You must invest a few more years of dating to see how this will play out before you commit.

But I'll tell you this -- as you acknowledged, he's already telling you what's in his head. If you ignore that, it's your mistake to make.

I respect that you are clear and firm about what you want and don't want. All the signs of trouble ahead are there. You'll get no pity if you plow forward anyway -- everyone will say, "You knew he had a kid when you moved in with him!"

You are a GF. She is a daughter. GFs can go away and find new BFs without kids. But trust me, that kid is going nowhere. You ain't gonna win that battle.

Think for yourself -- don't count on BF to clearly state his bottom line regarding his future with the kid. He might not know his bottom line, he's surely thinking you will melt when you meet her, he might not be that smart, or he might be thinking HE'LL just plow forward with you and MAKE it work in spite of all the signs of trouble ahead.

Rainydaze777's picture

Update-

 

I just got drunk af on wine and pretty much told him I'm done- I went on and on about how pissed off I was that he had a go at me over his daughter as if I'm the enemy for some reason.

I told him father's day turns me off because it's his day with his daughter and ex wife and I won't ever come in second lol

In reality it REALLY pissed me off when I tried to ask questions about his daughter and he got mad and insulted me to defend her - that was pretty much the end for me- I want a man who is loyal to me until the end- even if I'm wrong- (because I would do that for him). Also- Im really just unimpressed with his two idiots involved in my life (SD and BM) I don't have time for that sh*t. It's done.

f this.

I'm gonna stick around this website for a while for support- and I'm starting a new painting.

I feel relieved- it's funny- there was a time I would have thought I couldn't live without him- now I can't see a life living with him and his ex wife and kid.

 

TrueNorth77's picture

Wow, Good for you for making that decision! I wasn’t going to tell you to dump him, although I can testify that being in a relationship with a man with kids when you want nothing to do with kids is hard. Really, really, really hard.

And also, to let you know that him defending SD to you and getting defensive about SD when you make any comment or ask a question he misinterprets as criticizing SD....that shit happens to me alll the time. It’s exhausting and frustrating, especially when you don’t even mean anything bad, but they take it as negative. 

And just like everyone else said- custody can change at the drop of a hat. She could get sick, die, just get sick of having a kid all the time. I would actually be surprised if it stayed the way it is now. 

I’m glad you were able to be brave enough to make the decision to end it. I think you did the right thing. And go to grad school in New Orleans! That’s one of my favorite places in the US!

Rainydaze777's picture

Thank you for replying.

When he had a go at me over the daughter- I was done-- no way am I living my life that way.

he can use his time to hangout with his kid and ex wife- but not on my f ing time- I didn't sign up for this, I don't know how the rest of you haven't committed homicide yet.  I was well on my way.  

 when he treated me like an enemy to his little baby- I was done. I should be his darling- I won't settle for anything less.

Im bloody furious.

TheBrightSide's picture

You are allowed to want the life that you want.  You are ALLOWED to want a life that doesn't include children.  And believe me, a life with a man with a child means that your life WILL include his child.  You can't get around that.  You just cannot.

He is allowed to want a woman in his life that will accept his daughter.

He is not your person.

Marie7859's picture

First, I agree with the majority of the commenters here.  Your insight to your situation is admirable and there is nothing healthier than being objective to this situation and thoughtfully considering what is best for all parties.  It sounds like you might choose to not pursue this relationship, which might be the kindest sacrifice ever.  But, have you considered just extending the engagement? Perhaps maintaining your long distance relationship for another six years until his daughter is of age...that way you maintain your independent freedom, he can have both loving and supportive relationships with the two girls he loves, and his daughter won't be thrust into the throws of a blended family at such an emotional age?  If you truly love him maybe time is all you need until the situation is more suitable to your lifestyle?  Just food for thought.  I think you're great...I'm jealous that you have the ability to be so grown up about the situation.  Best of luck!