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I can't wait for my step children to go home to their mom.

notthemom15's picture

My step daughters are driving me nuts. They have been with us all summer and I have been the primary caregiver. I am 48 years old and I have raised my children. I knew when I married my husband that he had younger children. What I didn't know is that I was going to be taking care of them 24/7 when they were with us.

My husband is 50 and I love him so much. We have both been divorced twice and have the same wants, needs and goals.

The BM lives half way across the country so we only get the girls for summers and every other Christmas. She is in the Army and lives on base housing. The girls hate it there and want to live here. I don't want them to live with us. I can barely stand them when they are here for the summer.

They are spoiled and messy. I am constantly on them to pick up their toys and crafts (they are 6 and 10), to put away their clothes, and help around the house (I need a total hip replacement and am in pain constantly). I have extra laundry, dishes and house cleaning. My husband works in the oil field but is home every night. I am the primary caregiver and have tried to do things to keep them occupied but I don't sleep at night because of the pain and I'm just plain wore out. Even when daddy is home I am the one they come to me and it makes me angry.

I raised my kids and at this point in my life I thought I would be spending my summers in my gardens and redoing my home at my leisure, not raising and disciplining children. I am starting to resent my husband and really disliking the kids. The BM isn't any better as she calls constantly, especially when she knows we are having family days.

I want it back when we just called them once a week and didn't have to schedule our lives around the kids. They expect us to spend every freaking minute of every freaking day with them. I can't even spend an evening out with my girl friends because I am the one who has to get up early with them. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and I want them gone.

I hate that I feel this way and it may be that I am just bitchy because I am in pain all the time. I just want my life back without them.

I just needed to vent...

StickAFork's picture

OMG, I can't even imagine having kids in my mid-40's. WTF was wrong with him? Much younger second wife?!?

Ugh. By the time I was 25, I was done having my kids. I remarried a man 7 years older than me, who THANK GOD started having kids young, too. I was 31 when we married and everyone asked when we'd have kids.
Ummmm, NEVER! I'm not going backwards!

StickAFork's picture

I'm 37 now and cannot even imagine doing it all over again. Oh, I still get little waves of baby fever, but honestly... as this point, if I hold out just a bit longer, I can be a grandma before too many years pass!

Orange County Ca's picture

Considering your age and especially your physical failings you've got to put a stop to this. Tell your husband that this is not going to happen next year. The purpose of the kids visiting is to see their father. Now I know there are evenings and days off from his work but considering sleep time they're spending more time with you than with him.

Forcefully if necessary tell him that the kids are to visit only when he is not working. This means during any paid vacation his gets and whatever time he wishes to take off work without pay.

You may consider an exception during the relatively short bi-annual Christmas visit that's your decision.

Don't compromise on this there are a lot of years ahead before these kids stop visiting unless you put a stop to it now.

LRP75's picture

"Considering your age and especially your physical failings you've got to put a stop to this. Tell your husband that this is not going to happen next year. The purpose of the kids visiting is to see their father. Now I know there are evenings and days off from his work but considering sleep time they're spending more time with you than with him."

I agree with this. Although, for the OP it may be difficult to manage because she stated that the BM lives across the country. Thus, perhaps a fairer compromise would be that H takes as MUCH time off from work as he can during the summer so that HE is spending time with his children and the OP can get the breaks she deserves.

Also, to the OP: hun, it sounds like you really, really need to talk to your H about how you are physically suffering. It really should not be ok to him that you are in constant pain - no matter what.

Kes's picture

I can totally identify with you. I was in my early 40's with 17 and 19 year old daughters when I joined up with my DH whose daughters were then 5 and 7. It has felt as though I have had to go through it all again, but with MUCH WORSE children - mine were well behaved while his daughters are hellions. I am 54 now, and the SDs are 17 and 15 - I feel that at my time of life I should be relaxing and enjoying my grandchild, not coping with these vile creatures.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I still think you are lucky that you only have them in summer and every other christmas.We have SD every other week.
But my own kids are only slightly younger and are here most of the time, too.
I don't think you can and should avoid them to come since he only sees them once or twice a year- I don't think that this is right, even though understandable from your side, of course!
But he needs to find ways to take the pressure of you-some kind of day camps or vacacion care-if he is not around it is not fair on you to have to look after them all the time.I totally get that you moved on because your children are older.So your husband needs to consider and validate your feelings this.
And you need to make sure that he knows that the girls living with you wouldn't work for you.Although I believe that the two mainly say they want that because they are rarely there.
Watch out where your energy goes and talk to your husband.Tell him that due to your health issues etc you don't feel good enough to look after his girls during the day.Maybe tell him that a day here or there is ok as long you have a break in between and covering all summer weeks for him are too much.Say you tried your best and feel now totally exhausted that you need to tell him it does not work and you don't want to start feeling resentment towards his kids (You dont have to say you are already resentful:).Ask him for help and to put some summer holiday care into place when they are here.

PeanutandSons's picture

Can Dh afford to put the kids in a day camp for the summer? That way they are out of your hair all dwy, but still there for him to spend time with on weekends and in the evenings? If he starts planning now, by next summer he can take a few weeks off, and put them in a day camp the rest of the time.

If not, ask him to shorten his summer visit to only the amount of time he can take off (and any additional time that you WANT to help watch them).

notthemom15's picture

Thank you all for validating my feelings. I don't sleep well and am so looking forward to the day I can sleep in. Even my friends say they notice a change in my behavior and personality. I am short with them and cranky. They tell me I am no longer fun to be around. I don't want to tell them how I feel cuz I don't know how they would think of me. I was so excited for the girls to come for the summer but after a few weeks I was ready for them to go home.

mizcece's picture

OMG! The same things that you are complaining about has been my biggest fear from day 1! Thank God I put my foot down in the beginning of my relationship with my husband and made it clear that my children are grown and I do not and will not be a primary caretaker of my SD11 who was 5 turning 6 when I met my husband. The red flags went up for me when I found myself babysitting her the next day after I met her. I said, "Ohhhhhhhhhh h*llllllllllll no!!!!!!!!!!!" It has not been easy but he really got the point this summer because I drove it home to him in ways I never thought I could do! I have promised to divorce him if he didn't stop badgering me about babysitting his child. I agree with the thought that she is here to see him and that her being here with me all day while he worked is out of the question. On the lighter side I have volunteered to watch her a couple of days this summer but once again, it was my decision not his and when I didn't want too, simply put, I didn't watch her! Please do not let your husband take advantage of you like this, it is so unfair on so many levels. I think it takes a selfish, asinine person to do that to someone they profess to love!

notthemom15's picture

I'm done. We take them back on Sunday and I can't wait. I finally decided to go out with my girlfriends tonight and let loose a bit. I mean I haven't gone out the whole entire time they have been here and my friends decided that I needed a night out.

Soo, I went out. Had a few beers and lots of laughs with my friends. Came home to a messy house. Toys and dirty dishes everywhere, couch pillows on the floor, dvd's spread out on the floor and water on the bathroom floor. So much for myu nice relaxing time out.

MY rules are you put the toys AWAY before going to bed. Dirty dishes go in the sink, I would like them in the dishwasher but I will settle for the sink. Pick up the living room. I am so angry right now I could scream and get the whole damn house up to clean.

These girls think I am their maid. They are always asking me to get them something to drink or eat. I tell them I do not run a resturant nor am I their maid. If they don't eat at meal time then they need to fend for themselves. Apparently their dad doesn't enforce the rules.

As I am writing this I am so angry. Tears are coming to my eyes cuz I am not appreciated for everything I freaking do around here. I made an entire meal before I went out and did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and the living room but came home to a mess.

We are suppose to spend Thanksgiving with the girls this year but at this point I don't think I want to see them again until next summer. Hell, since we do all the transportation and we can't afford it and I don't feel a damn bit bad about it.

I look forward to when I am home alone and can go have a cup of coffee with my friends without having to referee fights, answer stupid questions or save the dog because the younger one won't leave her alone. My poor dog hides when she see her coming cuz the 6 year old is always in her face and won't let her sleep when she wants to. The dog has taken to sleeping in my bed at night because she hides.

I really need to rant about this. I have a wonderful time talking with friends and just listening to music and visiting. I was in such a good mood when I came home until I saw what was left for me. AND I was only gone for a couple of hours. All my husband had to do was put them to bed. But apparently that was too much for him so he let them play and eat and make a mess. What the hell am I? A babysitter and a maid. If I am then I need to get paid more.