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I can't see light at the end of the tunnel

jojo68's picture

I thought that maybe as SD17 got older, she would be more normal but the opposite has happened. She is more immature and socially awkward than ever. Hardly has any friends and definately doesn't date. This makes for a long weekend with DH and her. She expects to be at this side at all times. I am going to admit it...I really can't stand to be around her. When we go somewhere all together, she hangs all over him almost to claim him (she doesn't hang on him unless we are in a public place) so going out as a family sucks. Staying home sucks because she expects her father to constantly entertain her, e.i basically "date her"--he takes her to eat, get movies, takes her shopping, ect. and because I can't stand to go with them I stay home or go places by myself.I feel uncomfortable when I am go places with them...the outsider if you will.
My husband does anything she wants and never tells her no. The few times just he and I go somewhere by ourselves she texts him constantly and tells him she isn't feeling well and that he should come home because she is sick and he should be there to take care of her. I know that it is my husband who is to blame for allowing the narcissistic behavior in SD17 to continue but as old as this kid is I also have to believe that she knows exactly what she is doing. In the beginning to justify it all, I used to think that she is just a spoiled little girl who doesn't understand yet that I am not here to take her daddy away but she is plenty damn old enough now and she still acts the same.
Confession time--I don't like people who are drama queens, use people and treat them like garbage, complain all the time, lie and never think of anyone but themselves period--this being said I can't pretend to like my stepdaughter just because she is my stepdaughter.
I have an injury that could require surgery. As I make plans for the worst...taking time off, getting all my chores done before I'm laid up for a little bit, and who is going to pick me up after the procedure, the first thing that comes to mind is that I really can't depend on my husband...if SD17 gets a whim that she needs to go shopping or to be taken out to eat at the same time I need to be driven home from hospital I'm probably screwed because my husband has an inability or tell her no at anyone's expense. That sucks for me...guess I better give UBER a call.

Evil3's picture

My SD is 27 and she got worse and worse and worse as time went on. God forbid she mature at all. She was the worst mini-wife and as she got older she tried to act more and more helpless and dainty to make sure she could garner all of DH's attention. My SD did not get a BF at a time in her life when most of her peers did. She was 24 before she finally got her first BF. Why should she have bothered before then? She already had a lover and it was my DH. SD also didn't launch until she was 25. My SD even had her tuck-in ritual with DH every bloody night at the age of 22. When I mentioned it to DH, he ripped my head off and said he doesn't literally tuck her blankets in. He only goes in to chat. I said it's still a tuck in ritual and it's fu@#$5 disgusting and pathetic. I had a come to Jesus meeting with my DH to remind him which one of us he's f@#$%ing and that there will be extreme and immediate changes, end of story. I knew I risked divorce, but I couldn't take it anymore. Things are tons better now, but once in a while, I have to yank my DH's chain to remind him of which one of us he's married to. As much as it's a mini-wife issue, it's the dad that causes the cycle to continue. I really believe that if a SM wants to address it, she needs to go all the way and not pull back at the first sign of conflict with her DH. I think SMs get too afraid of losing their DHs, so they back down. I was co-dependent for years and I'd pull back out of fear of losing DH until I finally had enough. If I were in your situation and I ended up having to consider calling uber after surgery, I'd flip the f out on my DH about his emotionally incestuous relationship with his DD. That's disgusting and pathetic that you can't even count on your DH for a ride home from the hospital.

jojo68's picture

Thanks for your insight as it seems you know exactly where I am coming from. I am absolutely sure I would lose DH if I really told him what I thought so in my case its a matter of if I am willing to settle. DH is a really good guy and I know he loves me but his dedication to his daughter takes presence over all else. I have never seen anything like it. Only a couple times have I ever seen him really get upset and actually be in the real world. He would literally sacrifice anything to keep her happy.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You can't see the light because at present, there isnt one.

The dynamic you're describing sounds like borderline enmeshment. Parents who are enmeshed with their children do them a great disservice as it stunts them, limiting their ability to develop socially and emotionally. Enmeshment is much on my mind these days, as I have a SIL in her fifties who was recently placed in an adult group home. She and my FIL were enmeshed, and after he died several years ago, she could not successfully adult.

How are your needs getting met in your marriage? Enmeshed individuals aren't typically emotionally available, so their other relationships often suffer. Does your DH devote sufficient time to your relationship? Are you willing to accept that this may go on indefinitely??

If you're able to speak openly on the subject, ask him what the plan is to guide his daughter towards independent adulthood. If he is willing, get some marriage counselling. If he isn't, you have some big decisions to make.

jojo68's picture

Thanks for your comments...you are pretty much spot on. I guess that I need to come to terms as to whether I am ready to settle or not.

thinkthrice's picture

jojo, you've been around DH a LOOOOONNNNNG time. Enough to know that he will constantly treat SD like a baby unless you stand up to him as Evil3 has mentioned.

I know some of us are "not that type." I was raised not to challenge the husband. That's fine if the husband is not making stupid mistakes AND if it's a first family.

Everything changes when we are talking about a 2nd family. You have to stand up for yourself or you'll literally get creamed, not blended.

bearcub25's picture

she does not know how how to achieve anything without manipulating, and she knows no other coping skill other than becoming a victim
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Fits my BM to a T. She was raised by her step dad and IDK much about her growing years, but whining and saying she is sick and dying every day on facebook to get ppl to comment or take pity is her MO.