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I cant even handle this....

lil_lady's picture

I made a prior post about my ss2 and co sleeping that BM seems to think is a brilliant idea. Well for the last 2 mornings ss has decided that upon waking up he is going to shake his crib and kick the walls screaming at the top of his lungs as soon as he wakes up. What does SO do? Run upstairs and immediately let him out of bed... this morning it happens again I encouraged SO to try and use the music on the baby monitor. He did and ss some how manages to make MORE noise and increase his temper tantrum. I say let him cry it out... which is returned with a SD7 needs to sleep. Ok fine I get it I think to myself he he is going to go up there and sooth ss in his crib... nope up he gets and is now playing over my head in the living room (our room is downstairs). I on the other hand am on early mat leave because I cant sleep through the night. I cant take this anymore garunteed ss was greated with a smile even though he woke up the entire entire household and then was allowed out of his crib and play as he wished. So sick of a self entitled 2 year old running this ENTIRE house hold. SO has got something else coming if he thinks I will ever be rushing anywhere to reward a temper tantrum from our son. Maybe I am just unrested and emotional from having around 2 years of sleep last night but right now I am having a hard time seeing straight as it is and considering letting so know I will no longer be sleeping at home when the kids are here.

lil_lady's picture

Lol 2 hours of sleep*

Btw if you haven't seen the post BM moved ss2 to a big boy bed before he was ready and when ss started loosing it because of his door being closed she left it open. Then when he came out of his room and slept with her she let it happen. So now ss2 who has never co slept figures he can do whatever he damn well pleases. Hence the temper tantrums here... that SO is giving into.

I am in now way shape or form saying co sleeping is bad.. it is a personal choice and something we would have to deal with if that was her choice from the get go.

lil_lady's picture

To be honest I rarely agree with you... but see your point! Thank you. :)... do you think it would make a big difference? Ss2 has never had sleeping problems before its just emerged since this big boy bed. Willing to suggest anything to so at this point though.

onthefence2's picture

That was my first thought, too. And the way you are freaking out over a 2 yr old running the household. This behavior is not abnormal for a 2 yr old. It sounds like you are more upset because you can't call the shots when it comes to the 2 yr old and your lack of control is eating at you. I wonder what you think letting a child cry it out is going to accomplish? A 2 yr old has 2 homes ALREADY, another woman trying to call the shots for him, and the 2 yr old is supposed to have everything figured out?

Disneyfan's picture

The two year old was up so his father got out of bed to watch him. In my world that's a good thing. The only thing he did wrong was not keep the noise down so that you could sleep.

As long as the child is waking up at a normal time, then the parent has to get his/her butt up.

lil_lady's picture

The child isnt getting up at the normal time that is the point he is getting up 2 to 3 hours early and having a hissy fit to boot. My problem is not that dad got up and got ss out of bed my problem is catering to a temper tantrum. This to me is rewarding bad behaviour lile I said though I am having a hard time thinking straight after 2 nights of this .

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Sorry, two year olds are like this. Babies are like this. Their schedules more or less dictate ours. I used to get up at 9, now my baby's up at 7 every morning so here I am, up at 7 too. If I or Dh really want to sleep, one of us will go soothe and play with BD and let the other person sleep.

Of course we let her cry it out at bedtime if she needs to, and during naptime, but other times they should be stimulated. They are little people who would, like us, find being stuck somehwere with nothing to do incredibly boring.

It is very different when it's your own. You say that now, that youwon't reward it, but at most you'll only be able to keep to 50%. I just went through this.

I said I'd never give into the binky, but when you're running on an hour of sleep and nothing else is working--you give in.

lil_lady's picture

Well I guess I was off base this morning... thinking that this lack of sleep is really screwing around with me. Ss was having a full blown temper tantrum kick and hitting the wall. SO agrees we shouldnt give into it. We are going to trial bringing his crib away from the wall and SO wants to try soothing with a back rub before taking ss out of the crib... im just hoping for some sleep more then 45 min at a time :$.

lil_lady's picture

Right and please tell me what I am to do with a newborn in 1.5 months shove earplugs in his ears as well? My point was never the noise my point is rewarding bad behaviour.

As for sleeping every 45 minutes if that is what you are referring to. This does not have anything to do with my ss it has to do with being pregnant and uncomfortable. It does however make me miserable and fairly hot headed.

twoviewpoints's picture

Two to three hours 'early' at my house would have been 3-4am. My toddlers always started their day by 6am. It wasn't a big deal as I got up usually 5am myself. I'd feed them their breakfast and then put them in their playroom with the gate up for 1/2 an hour or so (It was 100% safe and baby proof). Sometimes we'd just cuddle in the recliner while I read the morning news. I worked for us.

I think perhaps instead of the co-sleeping at BM's this may be coming from the fact at her house he's went from crib to youth bed. He's officially found his freedom. Woo-hoo , no bars to keep him in any more. I'm actually surprised your crib does keep him in. Mine usually figured out the trick of crawling over the side of a crib by 12months.

I think you're going to have to settle for DH getting up with the little one , feeds him and then very quietly plays or whatever. With you having a newborn (we all know they get up all night every night for a while), you do very much need to be able to sleep when you can. A toddler isn't going to sleep in. As you've got a like six weeks to work with before baby arrives it might be time for you to help DH settle toddler and himself into a regular schedule that the two of them start implementing now. You need your sleep now and you and baby will have a different schedule than what SS is on for quite a while. It might also mean putting SS to bed a bit later than currently and maybe even darkening his window coverings (is the sun coming up a factor in waking him up?).

A baby and a toddler both will be a handful and take lots of different adjustments in your home. It's going to be up to DH to 'teach' SS how to be and play quietly. The early morning hours also give DH a chance to have some one on one with SS, as surely SS is going to see soon you giving lots of one on one with the baby (naturally so) and also DH spending time with baby. SS may not feel excluded if he's built a routine of an hour or so with Dad each morning before he has to start sharing his father with his new little sibling.

Just some idea. It's important you get your rest, but DH isn't pregnant, it's not going to hurt DH to get up and do some Daddy Duty. The only other thing you might try would be to have DH go in and give SS a few toys to sit up in crib and play...but now that SS has tasted that morning can get out without bars freedom, I doubt SS will settle for that. It's not really a sense of SS being 'entitled' he's just a babe himself and his young life is entering a new stage. Not many little ones are going to be willing to stay in bed every morning so parents can sleep in.

Hopefully you can get him on a routine soon. it's perfectly ok for you to take naps at unusual times of the day too. Pregnant mothers and new mothers gotta sleep when they get the chance.

lil_lady's picture

I dont really have a problem with SO getting up with ss. I just feel we are disserviceing ss by taking him out of his crib while hsving a temper tantrum. like you stated a couple toys in there or a some back rubs between the two actions I feel would give ss the understanding that temper tantrums are not the answer. I am in no way saying leave the kid so we can sleep in that is ridiculous! Its also how kids get hurt! Thanks for the pointers I am trying to nap during the day... very difficult with two kids that have never been tought the value of not jumping and running in the house. When I say this I refer mostly to my SD7 who seems to see no difference between inside activities and outside activities. Apparently SO does not feel kids should have these rules either he is however enforcing them because we have a baby coming. I am frustrated that he would do this for a baby and not for the last year I have been asking him to do so out of respect of a home. However, I will take what I can get.

Bojangles's picture

The 2 year old is not entitled! The 2 year old is behaving like a normal 2 year old. It is nigh on impossible to get a child that age back to sleep once they wake up, and you do not leave a toddler to scream in their room because you want to carry on sleeping. You're going to be a mother soon so you are going to have to accept this as a reality of parenting. You can do all sorts of things in terms of adjusting their routine to try to lengthen sleep duration: changing mealtimes, nap times, bedtime routine, but ultimately when your child wakes up, you have to wake up and take care of him/her. That's what your SO did and good on him for doing that. My 2 year old wakes between 6.30 and 7. He has been through phases where he wakes at 4.30/5.00am. I have friends whose toddlers NEVER sleep past 5. All children are different, but their needs DO dictate the schedule of the household. If you change anything about their sleep routine - the room, swapping from cot to bed, swapping from grobag to duvet, it is likely to impact their sleep for a while. Throwing off the covers in the night is a common reason for children waking up. When DS2 started waking before 6 I put him back into a baby sleeping bag and abandoned his big boy duvet and his sleep has improved. When I moved my first child from cot to bed when she was 3 it took a lot longer for her to settle and stay in bed because of the novelty, then she would go to sleep overtired, and wake earlier. I had a newborn at the time and wanted to free up the cot for him. I quickly realised it was a terrible mistake and it would have been much better to just buy another cot. When you are already sleep deprived it is not the right time to begin messing about with the routine of the child that was sleeping well!

lil_lady's picture

I agree we attempted to change his crib to a toddler and it did not go well. He was back in his crib on the same night. I believe BM has since let him sleep in his crib since he was hsving large issues at her house aswell. It is agrivating that she wouldnt have discussed with SO what his thoughts where. This boy loves his crib if he is having a rough time or day and we put him in his crib he is calm and loves it. It is like his safe spot. I feel frustrated for him that BM would find it even remotely appropriate to change his bed completely with all the changes he is already dealing with! We decided we should let him have his safe place in our home and not push him after trying a big boy bed for one night.

Bojangles's picture

BTW your not being able to sleep through is natures way of preparing you for the repeated night time waking that you'll experience when you're feeding your newborn. I had broken sleep in the late stages of pregnancy with all 3 of mine. It's really common. I get that the 2 year old isn't helping, but he is not the cause of your exhaustion so try not to take it out on him. And nap, whenever you can, making up for lost nighttime sleep in the day is one way to try and cope.

lil_lady's picture

Thats what I was getting at with my off vase post later in the morning... you put it much better then I did... lol. I was annoyed with yhe noise dont get me wrong but I was more annoyed with the thought that SO was just giving into a full blown temper tantrum with a smile... I guess I need to give myself a certain cool down period and not assume the worst of SO!

mannin's picture

I'm lucky if I can sleep through the night, also. I'm currently 8 months pregnant and sleeping in stages is what my body has decided to do.

Take naps whenever you can, this will make a huge difference. Sleeping is a luxury that you won't have for years to come.

lil_lady's picture

Just to clarify... because everyone here seems to think I am still mad because of a noise issue and ss crying. My first reaction was to ask SO to hold is ground and not give into a temper tantrum even if it meant I have less sleep. The part that was making me fly off the handle was the thought that SO was rewarding a temper tantrum by going into ss room with a smile and taking him out of his crib. Ehst I hsve said twice now is that I was off base and extremely tired and hoping to figure out some sort of trick so I can react like a proper adult in response to this. I am not taking anything out on my ss... I am dissapointed that one of the adults kn his life feels it appropriate to give into temper tantrums because they would rather sleep. Instead of getting up and soothing the poor kid. This is what I expected SO to do and he didnt... that is what I feel is wrong. Turns out SO and I agree on this one and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions and assumed the worse of him. So again you are all right to a certain degree I over reacted. I just hope we can successfully help him start to sooth himself and gain some copping skills instead of slipping into a tantrum every time he wants something. Yes this is what the terrible twos are about I get it but that doesnt mean you just reward temper tantrums... you comfort anf help them deal not just give in! At least that is my personal opinion.

Generic's picture

I guess the motto here is that he needs to parent his two year old the way he wants. When it comes time to parent your two year old, you can show him how it's done. If he gets confused, just remind him what kid he's dealing with and what the rules are. Simple enough???

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I was the same with my kids, but with steps it is just different.When I still had SD and she was 6-8 and still messed around our nights by making up "deseases" etc I was far less tolerant, especially since that manipulative brat made life hell just to get her Daddddy away from me those days.

onthefence2's picture

What punkin said. And what you refer to as a "temper tantrum" IS a baby/toddler expressing that he has needs. YOU only take it as a temper tantrum because you care more about your sleep than this 2 yr old. You can say it till you're blue in the face, but a 2 yr old waking up and wanting his dad which results in crying, screaming, kicking, etc. is NOT a temper tantrum. If he were on the same floor, it probably would not have escalated to that because Daddy would have been there quicker. My kids are 19 months apart and my 2nd was sleeping through the night before my first. My first was 21 months before I could say he was sleeping regularly through the night. My daughter started at 4 weeks. TOTALLY different babies. And I thank God that my marriage was intact at that point and he didn't have a sm "dealing" with him.

lil_lady's picture

Sweetheart you might consider going over the post and actually reading it. Specifically the part where I stated I was the one willing to deal with more noise in order to for SO to be able to go in and sooth ss before taking him out of his crib. At no point was I mad about SO going to his son I feel it is unfortunate that ss is not helped to calm down before taking him out of his crib. This is an excellent age to teach some self soothing skills whether he goes back to sleep or not. Although he may not be self entitled right now he will be if everytime he kicks and screams a parent comes running to his rescue! I also said yes I was off base. Trust me if you have ever had your children and have had to suffer through a 3rd trimester of block sleeping it causes you to be emotional and yes irrational which I fully admit to being when I wrote this post. I should have not assumed that SO was rushing in with a smile to reward ss. Otherwise I dont feel that whisking a 2yr child straight out of a crib with out attempting to help them sooth is a good idea at all. Infact its an excellent way to show a toddler what works for gettng their way. Lastly I do not "deal" with ss if SO id there that is his job. At no point did I suggest that this was my job.

jumanji's picture

And see... I don't see it as a temper tantrum I see it as a little person who has woken up after the night alone and is raring to go. From a different floor, he can't get the adults' attention in anyway but being loud. So he is getting the attention in the only way he can. What time was he actually wake? 2-3-4 hours early doesn't tell us much. The time would help. Unless we're talking 2-3-4am, it's really not that early for a 2yo. And a back rub is unlikely to put him back to sleep at 5/6am. He is ready for his day to start. So Dad needs to figure out a different routine. As someone suggested, a change of nappy, breakfast or a small snack and (quiet) one-on-one time with Daddy.

One thing I will suggest - do NOT let your newborn get used to complete quiet when he sleeps - that is a recipe for disaster! You want him to sleep through routine household noise - and yes, with a toddler in the house, that includes some yelling, carrying on, etc. No one should be tip-toeing around while baby's asleep.

Also... I understand your concern about his waking the baby up at night (baby will wake quite nicely w/o your stepson's help). What about the baby waking your stepson up when he wakes up every hour crying? How is that going to be addressed?

Hang in there - it will be okay. I think your biggest issue is getting Dad to understand that morning is a time for quiet play...

lil_lady's picture

We have a baby monitor for our step son... he not just shoved into a room and expected to sleep. The sound is turned off and video and light notification is left on. Sorry maybe that is the miss communication. This is a toddler that has been in the same sleep routine that has not waivered for a year.

jumanji's picture

Thing is - he does not see the monitor and think "Oh, Daddy can hear me! Oh no he can't! But if I wave really loud - he'll see me in his sleep!" It doesn't work that way - he is behaving as most 2yos will - he's LOUD!

and even if he has had the same routine for a year - developmental changes result in sleep changes. Whether he is cutting a tooth, or getting ready for a growth spurt, or getting ready to talk, or whatever - they can all disrupt his sleep pattern! Just as your changing body - with a growing baby in it - changes your sleep pattern, his changing body changes his sleep pattern. But at two, he is less able to understand or verbalize his confusion than you are... at whatever age you are.

FTMandSM's picture

2 year olds have a hard time dealing with certain feelings like anger and frustration. I remember when SD would get so angry she would throw the most horrible fits (gotta love terrible 2's). You have to explain to them how to express these new feelings. I think that hitting the wall and screaming at the top of his lungs ins't that normal when waking up. Your DH should go in there and let him know that this isn't acceptable and to calm down. I agree with some in not taking him out of the crib but going in and calming him down without picking him up and playing with him. It's very difficult for toddlers to understand the difference between moms house and dads house. Be patient and be consistant on handling this behaviour. He will eventually learn.

And believe me, I understand what you mean about not getting any sleep while pregnant. I just had my baby boy in November. I got zero sleep while pregnant, plus being uncomfortable and hormanal doesn't help. Take deep breathes and remember soon you will have your body back (somewhat)! We live in a tiny apartment, we put a sound machine in SD's room before the baby came to help drown out the crying and it hasn't woken her up yet. Hey you may have a great baby that doesn't cry every hour. In the beginning mine woke up every two hours to feed. He didn't cry every night either, you just have to listen for them stirring.

jumanji's picture

>I think that hitting the wall and screaming at the top of his lungs ins't that normal when waking up.

Except if the little one has been awake, and since the sound is turned off on the monitor, Dad does not otherwise know kiddo is awake! lights and video apparently are not enough to wake anyone - so kiddo does something to make it happen. This is really not the 2yo's fault.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

I have a hard time believing the child started freaking out as soon as he woke up. Chances are he started making the loud noises when his initial cries were ignored.

If the child waking at normal time ~ yes 5 or 6am is normal forl a two year old~then his dad should take him out of the crib. Why should a TWO year old have to lie in bed until the adults are ready to get up?

What happens when he figures out how to climb out of the crib?

lil_lady's picture

Yes dad did know he was awake as a matter of fact. Dad felt that ss might need to sleep longer and was concerned it was to early for ss to be awake. So dad turned on ss music to sooth and ss threw a fit. Had you read the post you would understand this.

jumanji's picture

THIS is what you posted:

>We have a baby monitor for our step son... he not just shoved into a room and expected to sleep. The sound is turned off and video and light notification is left on. Sorry maybe that is the miss communication. This is a toddler that has been in the same sleep routine that has not waivered for a year.

Sound is turned off. I didn't see anything about music being turned on. We can't understand what you don't post.

lil_lady's picture

The original post that I put up stated this... dad knew when his son was awake. To be honest I am rather sick of arguing this I had a vent. My home is run how SO and I see fit. I dont feel I should have to repeat what was said at the very beginning of the post. If you want the whole story then read it. We also have an early alarm set and the sound on the monitor gets turned on. We leave our bedroom door open and although it is down a flight of stairs it is about 5 feet from ss. Open concept home.

lil_lady's picture

Our door is left open... and the sound is turned on in the early morning for this very reason. Like I have said he is not just shoved into a room and expected to sleep. We can also hear him from our room as the door is left open. We knew exactly how long he had been awake and as I said the expectation was never for SO to ignore ss. It was to go to him and show ss his actions where not appropriate.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I'm really sorry--I know you were probably tired, but realize, as I did, that if the baby woke up he probably made some other noises for a while before it escalated. My 4 month old babbles in the mornings in her room all by herself. Fifteen minutes later it increases in urgency, if we wait 20, it quickly and exponentially escalates into full out sobbing.

We never let it get to that point because then all the baby remembers is that crying will get her the attention she wants. By responding to coos and what we think of as "good noises", which is actually how the baby is learning to talk. You wouldn't ignore someone if they were trying to talk to you, would you?

By first rewarding the coos will show him that cooing is what you're responding to, which means he will try this before anything else. Each time you reward it will reinforce the idea that coos are what gets your attention. This means he will try cooing for longer and longer period of time (much like crying) before it escalating to something else. Then when he begins fully talking, the temper tantrums will not be a habit, and then once they begin to be able to reason with you and tell you what you want, he will learn that words are what you guys respond to. Temper tantrums and full on sobbing never has to be in the equation.

That said, children know how to manipulate, it's built in. I have multiple videos of BD "crying" when she thinks I'm looking, and going straight poker face when I turn away, then resuming crying when I look at her again.

I have, when BD has eaten, been changed, and is otherwise happy but just wanting too much attention, to let her cry it out/wait because it is a good exercise to show her the crying is not going to work often. I do respond when she is legitimately scared and upset because she also has to know I'm here for comfort too. The trick is to immediately reward good behavior--once she stops crying for at least five seconds or starts to coo instead (which she has resorted to in the past), then I pay attention to her. She rarely cries with me, but oh she'll put on the waterworks for DH--you should see the way her face absolutely crumples when he walks into the room after one of these exercises where I don't give her what she wants.

She knows who the weakling is. Wink

Rags's picture

A swat to the diaper and put em back to bed. If he wants to cry, so be it. The more DH caters to this the longer it is going to last.

We were fortunate. Our kid (my SS) was a mutant. He was mellow and could entertain himself quietly for hours. We started dating when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2. Our friends still comment and tell stories about how quiet and mellow he was. All while their children are running amok. I point out that free range parenting does not work and results in their little hell spawn children interfering in others state of peaceful bliss. For some reason my friends chose to be offended by my comments.

Go figure. :?

Interestingly when their children are around me they tend to sit down, be reasonably calm and STFU. For some reason the kids don't like my lack of tolerance for their little shit behavior. Most of our friends tend to leave their children at home with a sitter rather than expose society to their little shit children when I am around.

I am not sure why. I love kids and kids love me. Particularly the well behaved kids. What I don't like are children that are the result of idiot parents.

A friend of mine who had a very difficult toddler used to hop over the US/Canadian border and buy a case of Gripe Water periodically. He swore by the stuff. Apparently it is herbally infused whiskey. According to my friend, put in on teething gums. Instant relief. Incorrigible toddler, a teaspoon and the kid is out cold in a few minutes flat.

We never tried it. We never had to. It may be worth a try if your SS does not figure it out soon.