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I can’t do this anymore.

Melissamaybe's picture

I’m done. I’m done acting like a mother to a kid who isn’t mine in done with a. Husband who doesn’t appreciate how hard I try with his son and our son. I’m done not getting help from him I seriously can’t do this anymore. We’ve only been married 8 months and I’m ready to jump ship. Only reason I can’t drag myself to do it is because I cry at the thought of losing my son 50% of the time. I’m a SAHM and I spend every moment of every day with him and it would break my heart not to have him full time. My husband doesn’t help. He is selfish and entitled. His family gave him everything he wanted growing up and still does. His mother will come into town and do everything for his son while my husband just slacks off and sleeps all day. He doesn’t ever get me a break with our son. I can’t remember the last time I got a break. I’m need time for me and I don’t get it and I’m beginning to go  crazy. Tonight I got home from traveling theee hours with my baby to see my grandparents and as I pull into the driveway he got home too. He ran straight inside didn’t wave didn’t stop to ask if I needed help. Meanwhile it’s 25 degrees and I have to take the 20 lb baby in his car seat, his two bags, my bags, inside while he just goes on in without even bothering to ask if I need help. I got inside and was pissed and told him I really could’ve used your help out there and he was like “oh uhhhh I wanted to see the package on the porch” I started feeding my son after that and asked if maybe he could help to which he agreed and then just sat there on the couch staring at the wall not getting g up to help!!!! I had to feed him and bathe him. I do everything every single night and I’m exhausted. I need help and he doesn’t care. He just gets angry when I ask and when he finally decides to help he half asses everything and it’s sad. Is my husband being awful? Am I being ridiculous?

Sotired345's picture

I’m 4 years married with 2 kids and a SD. I’m getting a divorce for a lot of the same reasons you are complaining. My inlaws are badmouthing me and paying for his lawyer. I’ve delt with a lot of BS from SD, BM my husband and my inlaws I’m also a stay at home mom. Now I have to figure out how I’m going to do this. Good luck maybe you’ll work it out

Melissamaybe's picture

It’s unfortunate it has to be that way. My in laws will also end up paying for his lawyer as that is what they did with his previous custody battle with my SS.  I can not afford a lawyer so I’m very scared of losing my son. He isn’t fit to be a father though but somehow the judge gave him 50% of custody of my step son. Good luck to you too. It isn’t easy. Don’t even know how to bring it up to him. 

amyburemt's picture

the decision to leave, get your ducks in a row first and start documenting all of his slacking so you have some stuff down on paper for a lawyer.

Melissamaybe's picture

how do I get documentation of that? Writing it down on paper I feel isn’t believable enough for the courts. 

justmakingthebest's picture

actually many judges take journals seriously. It isn't going to hurt anything to have it. Make sure you are writing in it daily. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

Can you get him to go to counseling? I would hate to see someone throw a marriage away after 8 months, although none of this would fly with me either.

I think it's also time for the old "come to Jesus" talk with him. Tell him that you are handling every single thing with the baby, and you need help, period. Tell him you are not happy, he needs to step up or this is not going to work. It takes 2 for a relationship to work. I would do this sooner rather than later, and perhaps the results will give you the answers you need.

You say you don't only want 50% custody, but is staying in this situation really the answer? You can probably get more than 50%, he seems incapable of handling a child 50% of the time.

Rags's picture

Look, I am a man, and your DH is pissing me off.  No, you are not being rediculous.  I met my wife when my SS-26 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo.  I helped.  Yes, we have some of the usual, various and sundry division of parenting and household duties tensions that nearly ever marriage  has but... we are a team.  The division of household duties has shifted over the years we have been married.  We have landed on a stable place where I do my laundry (underclothes, jeans, casual stuff... Everythign else goes to the cleaners for washing, drycleaning and pressing), she does hers, we work on ~50% of the cooking together, she does the rest or we go out, I clean up the kitchen after dinner, and I outsource most of the housecleaning to a maid service.  We don't have a maid service currently but we just moved into our new house, are getting unpacked and have to buy a house full of furniture.  But once we are settled in I will have a service come 2X per month to do the majority of the housecleaning.  We keep things picked up together.

Except for the last 5 weeks. She is doing it all since I broke my leg.  I am doing a little bit of kitchen clean up over the past week or so but can't stand and I don't want to tear up her new kitchen with my walker or knee scooter. 

My parents are here during the week to shuttle back and forth to work and are keeping the house in order while DW is finishing up late in the year  Extension and Business tax season.

You are too busy raising your own child to have to raise your husband too.

Siemprematahari's picture

Out of curiosity how was your H prior to marrying him? Did you notice any red flags? Did you see any selfish behavior? What was his reason for divorcing his 1st wife? Can you suggest counseling before making any decisions?

If you go the divorce route can you ask for CS & Alimony (not sure how long you have to be married for that)?

If you're doing everything yourself, heck you can do bad all by yourself.

Melissamaybe's picture

He was a completely different person. He was kind, giving, loving, and helpful in every way  Him and my step sons mother were never married just engaged. Makes me wonder what red flags she saw. He has missed five months of child support to her doubt he could keep up with child support for my son and alimony. . 

Iamwoman's picture

Your husband is not a man.

He is a man-child: body of a man, mind of a child.

If you leave him, his mother will most likely care for your son half the time. It’s a shame the courts so often blindly hand out 50/50 to the detriment of most children.

Here is an idea: hire an attractive male nanny to help you out. Perhaps your husband will begin helping out of sheer insecurity!

Melissamaybe's picture

I’ve thought that. I know she would move down here in a heartbeat. Sickening. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’m so sorry! I hope everything turns out ok for you and your DS.

Notup4it's picture

My ex H was just like this.... almost exactly.  He is still this way to his current wife as well (I honestly don’t know how she puts up with it!!).

My one recommendation is make sure you have savings and an exact plan BEFORE you leave- this way you are ahead of the game when you do. Don’t let on that you are wanting a divorce either.... think about yourself and your kids first. 

If you aren’t fully ready to leave yet either you could try counseling either as a couple or for yourself. Sometimes a therapist can work in your favour to make them realize what is happening and can help things change.

Kona_California's picture

Before leaving, give him the opportunity to hear you out on what's bringing you down in the marrige. It sounds like being a stay at home mom is too much, and having split responsibilities would be better. Sit down and talk to him about you starting to work and having him pick up on more slack. Him picking up on slack should happen either way. Come up with a schedule for you to switch off on taking the lead. Tell him you both need counseling too for all the other stuff. I know women who were miserable being SAHMs, and going back to work "saved their marriage." Good luck.