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I bring home more money that DH.....the joys of marrying a man with kids

ThatEvilSM's picture

Well ladies, here is my issue...

I have being married for close to a year, together close to 3... I have two bio children (DD6 DS5) and my DH has little honey boo boo (SD9)...with that, he also has a fairly high child support for one child... Plus, he is responsible for the pick ups and drop offs (we asked for this during mediation, because his ex is a crazy lady and I didn't want her around my children or my house)... but this is a ton of gas since honey boo boo leaves out of the city... Anyway... lets move forward... I make about the same he does, I also get child support for my children (which I don't count as income because it goes to them, daycare, ballet, soccer)...

When we first met, he was living in a nice apartment, had a nice car ($400 monthly payment) and a job... but he was and has always being average, he doesn't feel the need to do anything extra... he is very laid back...

I had my own house, paid off car, and a good job... Fast forward 2 years, I bought another house (we used part of his 401K for the down payment so I give him that!)... we sold my car to be able to afford some extra expenses for the mediation and our wedding, and I ended up with his moms all car... he has this cool, beautiful truck...I have a car from 2000 and its bothering me!! LOL... ok before I get the "you are greedy"...I just feel like I bring in soooo much and it doesnt show, because most of his income goes into CHS and his car payment, part of the groceries, and half his phone bill...oh and his personal money...and that's it! I pay bills, house mortgage, and everything else (including going out to eat, etc)... I am usually ok with this, but last nite I was driving home in a freaking blizzard, and when I got home I said "I need new wiper blades" and his answer is "Oh I do too" and I lost it...because I have being caving in and building up... you drive around this huge new truck, and I am driving this piece of sh8t! =(.... It doesn't help that for Christmas, I got him this collectible comic books, and a poster autograph, plus some shirts and other things he likes and I got a gift from target!!! I was so angry! he never puts extra tough or effort...I feel like I am raising another child! on top of all this, having to deal with his kid and his crazy ex.....

Money wise my husband is a mess, he is not strong willed like me, he is not a go getter, but he is great in other areas! he is handy, he helps me in the house, he is a great parent for my children (not to his, he is honey boo boo's Disney dad)...

Is this the price for marrying a guy with children? please be kind Smile and I am sorry if I sound mean...I am just frustrated....

Evil stepmonster's picture

Sadly it is normal. When I met DH he had a nice new truck, and loved going to nice places and seeing live music. He had a roomate but they lived in a nice condo. Fast forward to now. He makes more than I do, but after CS is taken out his bring home is so much less than mine. It really does bother me. When I was single, I had my house, and was able to do everything on my own and still afford luxuries like getting my hair and nails done. Now, I haven't been able to get my nails done is 4 weeks and they look horrible, my hair...hasn't been touched in over six months. Oh but did netflix, xbox live, and WOW come out of the bank this month?? It sure as hell did.
It is very frustrating, but it is something that we're going to have to live with. sigh.

ThatEvilSM's picture

Oooooh I did! I gave him a wish list... that he ignored...completely, ran to target 2 days before christmas Sad

Calypso1977's picture

im fortunate.

my fiance and i make about the same. what he pays in CS, i compensate by placing the same amount into my 401K.

we were also both blessed to walk away from our prior marriages with no debt and money in the bank.

if you had a paid off house, why on earth did you buy another one AND borrow from his 401K to boot??

ThatEvilSM's picture

I was moving 4 hours away, I sold my house to move to the city (I was living out in the country so It made more sense to move here...and well he also didn't wanted to move to my town and leave Honey boo boo here.... I sold my house, I paid for most of the wedding (I KNOW I KNOW i am enabling all this!)and then when closing time came for the new house, I refused to paid it he decided to take a loan ($5000) not all the money in the world =/

ChiefGrownup's picture

Don't wait until you burst out over windshield wipers. Speak up early. This is really hard for women. But once you teach it to yourself and practice it, it gets easier. Write it on the palm of your hand: Speak. Up.

I understand how you feel. Surely he sees everything that I see and why wouldn't he do something about it? The fact is, HE DOES NOT SEE WHAT YOU SEE. He's going la de la down Candy Lane happy with his hot new wife thinking life is grand and all of the sudden a banshee is screaming at him about windshield wipers. Really, that's how he sees it.

So the remedy is take a hot bath, pour in lots of Calgon (you know what I mean, whatever makes you feel pampered and relaxed) and when you are feeling really calm and loving, open a dialogue with him. Take a deep breath and tell him you are feeling dissatisfied with the way things are budgeted in your house. Ask him what his thoughts are. If he's a really good guy -- which I am assuming he is because you fell in love with him -- he will want you to be happy. It's likely he'll be really surprised at how you feel and he'll tell you what he can realistically do to shoulder more of the burden. Maybe you should be the one driving the new truck and he takes mil's hand me downs. Frankly, that's what my dh would do. Anyway, you should be able to work this out together during this conversation so both parties feel good. There's actually joy in solving one of these things, you feel more confident and in love afterward.

I strongly urge you to work this out with him. Because if you have this money resentment on top of the Disney Dad resentment, the prognosis for your marriage is not so rosy. So put your big girl panties on and get the cash flow worked out so you can feel more happiness. You are going to need all the rest of your strength to deal with the stepkid issues alone. You got married to be happy, right? Fight for that happiness!! Don't let it die off in a rising tide of resentment. Give him a chance to make things better. Speak. Up. You can do it!

ThatEvilSM's picture

Hi! auch! some of what you said is truth... but I am not desperate...I honestly made a decision based on how well he treats my children, and how kind and a good dad he is... I survived a cushy life with my ex...but also was victim of domestic abuse, so it was so important for me to find a good man... and my husband is a good man, a comfortable, laid back lazy good man... thats why its so hard for me... I am fairly good looking (lol) and I had other man behind me...but he was good...

I have decided to split the bills, I know he will drag his feet and say he I am making him feel worthless... yes I know... but if I dont do this, and I start feeling good about this, I will keep his ars out!

blayze's picture

Good for you for deciding to split the bills! Let him know that he's not worthless, but that you want to admire him, and you can't if he's not contributing at least HIS SHARE.

If you really think about it, he doesn't have high expectations (not a go-getter) in his career, and you don't have high expectations in your relationship (not asking for much more than kindness). Neither of these are bad traits, but men love/respect a confident woman who expresses her needs, so like ChiefGrownup said, SPEAK UP about your needs! We need men to work on their financial status and women need to work on our physical appearance for our men. Fair trade.

I had to speak up about this to SO, even though he said he felt inferior to me financially. I let him know actions he could take since he's not overly ambitious... three little things. He's done all of that and more because men need to be TOLD how to please us. They're cute but dumb. Wink Good luck!

OOOHHHH, and tell him that you would appreciate it if HE would take your car to get windshield wipers! Sheesh, why should women have to think about car stuff? My mom's husband goes and fills up her gas tank, every time. I think both you and I need to take a lesson from her. She's demand-y as hell...but does it like a lady...and it brings out the MAN in my stepdad. Blum 3

onthefence2's picture

I would be severely resentful if in your situation. My bf and I are both cheap and we have talked about how we would handle this. As mentioned above, add up and divide. Now in my situation, I have two kids and he has one, but we also eat more expensive food, so that is something to factor in as well. But if there are two of "them" and three of "us" I would not split it down the middle, I would figure out 2/5 and 3/5.

ThatEvilSM's picture

Hi everyone! UPDATE HERE! some of the things said here are oh so true! some are not, but thats the point of putting this out for everyone to see... we had a great talk last nite, and I explained to him how I feel with his spending, and why I don't like to be responsible of all the "extra money" that goes out while he gets to drive a great car and has personal money to spend! he was VERY open! I created a chart (with a friend of mine who is a teller) and told him we had to split the bills 50% 50%, then if he wants more money to spend on him and his daughter "special" stuff, he will have to put over time, get a second job or whatever he wants to do, but form now on I am getting my own checking account, and we will have one share account were we deposit money for the bills, there resat will be our own responsibility.

Like some of you said, I enabled this, and he enabled me to become a castrating bitch too, because I believe I have blame too! I feel so relieved today, and so thankful I posted this in here, it went VERY WELL, he was very open, and he had noooooo idea how I was feeling, and once I showed him the chart and HOW MUCH he spends in stupid crap, he was like wow... so next step I am trading the POS and getting a newer car, that I will pay ...because I can!

I guess bottom line, I was acting like a mom, administrating his money and trying to make it work, from now on, he will cut me a check for x amont to cover 50% and he will have to figure out his expenses... I am pretty happy with this agreement. lets seeeee
P.D cutting me a check because we both agree I am more organized and my bills are always on time, so he feels comfortable letting me send out the payments, I am fine with that!

Indigo's picture

This is huge. Congratulations. I have yet to find a good balance regarding money and marriage ... Your comment about acting like a mom, administering his money was spot on.