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I asked for advice on another forum and everyone attacked me

Bearhugs33's picture

I have asked for advice here regarding skids but sometimes I want to also ask parents to see their point of view. It's different to ask regular parents and to ask stepparents. 
So I went to a normal parent forum and all I got from people with or without kids was: "the children come first. It's none of your business what he does with his kids". I even had someone saying: "you're just a partner that comes and goes". I realized that nobody will understand a stepparent's point of view ever!

Is it normal to feel attacked like this by other people who are not stepparents like us??? Has it happened to you???

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Yes, it's very common. Childed people of course tend to be childcentric. They have a pov and an agenda - they want to protect their own interests and to hell with everyone else's. 

To be fair, there are lots of healthy blended families out there. StepTalk just tends to serve those struggling with dysfunctional dynamics. We also have a lot of seasoned, long term step parents who know what's what and can easily spot unhealthy behaviors/patterns.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

was "Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do" by Wednesday Martin.  if you haven't read it, you should pick it up.  

CLove's picture

You posted the same thing...did you expect something different? Well yes we steppers without children have a completely different view point.
More importantly - DID you ever find out if your partner is cheating on you? The texting some other person and gaslighting and being protective of phone???????????

WwCorgi7's picture

Yes, I have. I once went on step parent reddit before finding this site and people went nuts on me for not taking SD on a "baby moon" because she was jealous when she found out we were having a girl. Nevermind I had her three little brothers and she never flipped out before. Forget the fact that I was also responsible for 3 other small children and it was during the height of the pandemic. Everyone attacked me for not dropping everything to take the brat on a solo vacation before the baby arrived. Non step parents do not get it at all so don't even waste your time with them. I really enjoy this site. Everyone here understands the struggles not just with the skids but the partners as well. Everyone keeps it real here and no one sugar coats anything. I've gotten some amazing advice from people on this site. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Reddit definitely skews younger, and often more entitled. Many of the people posting in the step subs are in their twenties and still-angsty stepkids themselves.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Hell, i'll be the first to admit that when i was younger (teens/early 20s), i held some of the same biases. I remember hearing a family friend talk about his sister's problems with her stepkids. I was friends with the skids (girls, late teens to early 20s), and i remember thinking of them like Cinderellas and the lady like a character out of Grimm's fairy tales. Time and experience has taught me there are multiple sides to every story.

Also, what's up with all the fairy tales? We are basically groomed from birth to see stepmothers as evil. Our society has swung from what was probably too harsh on children (like scandals where kids aren't believed when they report abuse) to now, a lot of kids (skid or not) are coddled little turds with no life skills. This is probably the worst time in history to be a stepparent. Hopefully things will get better in the future. 

CLove's picture

And dont forget the Fairy Tales we tell ourselves when we get involved with a single person with children! LOL.

I hope that the pendulum swings towards fairness for all in this situation.

Cookieboom's picture

Same thing happened to me.  BF in a custody trial this week and I posted in another forum.  I was told to stay out of it, I'm obsessed with BM, and too engrossed in the situation.  Like wtf!!! I was told that my whining won't help the trial.

I was also told that I shouldn't have sexted with BF and "you reap what you sow" and I should have deleted them (which I did but either he didn't or she took screenshots immediately when they were sent).

lastly I was told that I'm too tangled in the trial.  Never again, I'm sticking to steptalk!!

Oh, I also was told that judges hate jealous girlfriends who want to destroy the mom!!!!

Rags's picture

While I do not recall the name of that commumity, I can guess which one it was. They hate STalk and STalkers.  They are hell bent on the worship of failed family progeny and commited to the near Holy status of the XW breeder squad.

Livingoutloud's picture

Your issue isn't a stepfamily related. Your boyfriend treats your poorly and is a total jerk, in addition he does not have his life together. Drives drunk. Possibly cheats. No car etc So it doesn't matter what people on some forum say. This relationship is no good, kids or no kids. He'd be just as horrid of he had no kids at all 

Rags's picture

What is normal is for idiots to attack those who do not fit into the idiot's limited view of reality.

First, kids are NEVER the priority in a quality adult relationship. The relationship and the partners are each other's unequivocal priority. Kids, are the top adult and relationship responsibility.  Two very different things.   Anyone who goes with "kids always come first" are... well... idiots. And likely looking for their next partner victim.  Most sadly, their children are more likely than not destined for a life of shitty relationships because they were raised by idiots.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.