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I am the BM...SM driving me CRAZY!!

deeSM3's picture

So my ex-husband and i have been split up for 2yrs after 10yrs together, We have 4 children 10,6,4,1. I have not dated or remarried anyone since we spilt. Not becasue i wouldnt want to but i am just trying ot put all my focus in our children and i am going to nursing school. Ex and i had a pretty bad relationship the last 2 yrs togehter and i just dont want to be with anyone any time soon. Ex is now remarried and sees the kids every other weekend. His new wife is driving me INSANE. She seems to think the reason i am not seeing anyone is because i want ex back, which is crazy. Just becasue we have kids together doesnt mean i want to be with him.We are still friends but that is it friends. Even if she wasnt with him i would not want him. My kids say they fight all the time about me and how she doesnt want him talking to me or around me. When we do talk it is about the kids nothing else. He came ot my mothers funeral, whom i might add was like his own mother for years and she freaked out saying we were sleeping together at my moms funeral. I asked her to come but she refused. I just dont know what to do anymore, i am fed up with the whole situation. I divorced my husband to get away from stress and she is continually bringing it back. EX BIL told her that she should be thanking her lucky stars she has a sane BM mom to deal with and stepkids that acually behave but she is just constantly stirring up trouble and unfortunetly making his family and the kids not like her.

Any advice???


iwishyouwould's picture

yikes. Talk to her one on one? Sounds like she is insecure about the entire its not you, it wouldnt matter who it is, its just the fact that there is "another woman".. kinda like youre a charicature in her mind. maybe getting to know eachother on a personal level would help? if you cant stomach that, then .. well, i would go the practical joke route and make up a beau and have some fun with it. LOL.. maybe thats not your style though. I understand where she is coming from but sounds like its consuming her. I dont really know.. there has to be a way to de-fuse the situation... really she is the one who has to come to it on her own though; their her demons so to speak. maybe the ex has cheated on her in the past and its painful? sorry - good luck.

alwaysme's picture

I honestly think that you should not let it even bother you, She is your ex's problem to deal with, you are the lucky one because you really dont even have to listen to her or him about any of it. If you have not done anything wrong by her then who cares. Switch your phone off go home and live in peace. As long as you and your ex are doing the right thing for your kids, and she is good to your kids then dont even worry.

Talk to your kids and just tell them to not let her get to them either. IF her behaviour is becoming a real problem then you need to discuss it with the EX, or if you laugh it off in front of the kids then they wont take any of it seriously either.

blondie66's picture

I didn't read other comments but I wanted to point out one thing that bothered me in your post. You mentioned your kids were telling you how they fight all the time ... Why do you let your kids talk about what is going on in your ex's house? Especially about something that doesn't really pertain to them - or you?
If you want to draw the line and reduce your own stress, then start from not allowing that type of conversation.
I know I sound harsh, but you need to understand that I, as a SM, absolutely detest the fact that my skids tell their mom every single move my DH and I make (and she stupidly uses that against us in emails, so we know they told her), and at the same time, they are never asked nor do they offer any info about their mom in our house.

Nyx's picture

blondie66, I politely disagree in regards to not allowing kids to say something that bothers them even if its from the other household. Now if they were constantly starting stuff then that's a different story. Muffling children from being able to speak up about what bothers them, no matter where, that is detrimental. It teaches them that their grief doesn't matter.

StepMadre's picture

I totally agree. It's a wonderful sign if your kids are vocal and expressing themselves about what is happening in their lives, at your home or their dad's. That being said, YOU can disengage from what they are saying and just not let the stress affect you. It's so true that this SM is not your problem! It sounds like she has massive insecurity issues and she should thank her lucky stars that you are sane and normal and sound like a great mom. Her insecurity isn't your problem, it's your ex husband's. If she harasses you and constantly accuses you of sleeping with him or things like that, then maybe you should all three have a sit down talk and clarify things. If you are friendly with your ex that is good for the kids sake, but with her insecurity problems, maybe backing off as much as possible might help. Stay friendly with your ex by all means, but maybe make an effort to keep all contact strictly related to your kids and avoid all non kid social interaction. It sounds like you have no investment in a relationship with him other than being friendly for your kids and that's how it should be. Just keep it friendly and aloof and maintain as much polite friendliness towards the SM as you feel comfortable with. She might settle down once she realizes that you are not a threat or it may be some deeper issue with her. Whatever the case, it's your ex's personal business and as long as she isn't harassing you or abusing your kids, it's really not your problem. It is not your responsibility to date someone else to make the SM feel better and I understand her anxieties about your mom's funeral, but you invited her and it sounds like everything was above board and appropriate. You guys have a lot of kids and were together for a long time and it's scary and intimidating for a SM to be newly married AND take on four skids AND worry about the husband's ex. For an insecure SM that sounds like an explosive situation for her and highly charged and emotional. When people have been together for a long time and share four kids they will be very comfortable with each other, especially if they are on good terms, and seeing any sign of intimacy or private affection can be devastating to an insecure SM. None of this is your fault or responsibility, but basic compassion for her will only help. Avoid anything that can be construed as flirtatious and never touch or hug your ex out of respect for her. Even if you don't have feelings for your ex, she might not know that or believe you and your actions will speak far louder than words. I would kill to have a great BM for my skids and have my skid's behavior problems erased. Hopefully, she will realize eventually that she is luckier than most of us.

dguiwh2334's picture

Seeing as how this site is for step parents I had to read this one.. I think I would be greatful as a SM to have a BM that is NOT crazy, so in this, I give you props! Cause if she is as crazy as my bf BM, I feel for you!! I would definatly try to talk to her or both of them... If that doesn't work..idk.. If your kids are unhappy there, you have every right to be concerned! Yes, as other ppl posted what happens in their home isn't ur business but when it affects your children, it kinda is Smile I would at least talk to the ex and BM about that... ALTHO, my bf BM constantly tells me how she doesn't want him back n bla bla bla, but then she sends him messages about how she still misses him n wishes they were together.. So, you never know.. And I'm not insinuating u want ur ex, I'm just saying she may not believe you..but if ur not giving any reason for her to doubt you, I don't see why she should! But it does sound like she is insecure... Hope this helps..

Nyx's picture

I like the other people's suggestions. Just try to confort the kids or laugh it off whatever you gage best. As for yourself just be happy you're not in the household dealing with it.

Making a fake boyfriend. LOL I love that idea iwishyouwould. Create a facebook account and everything Wink

blondie66's picture

Nox - didn't see anywhere in the OP a note about kids being "bothered" by the fights, but ok. I totally understand you disagree. The place my comment was coming from was not full of "bothered" kids that needed to speak up, but (s)kids that enjoy sharing (what they see as) juicy stories with their mommy for a nugget of her attention.

Nyx's picture

"Now if they were constantly starting stuff then that's a different story. "

Yep. I mentioned that too. We agree there Smile

sweetthing's picture

I have days where I think if BM said she wanted him back, I'd say hold on while I pack him a bag. Smile

sweetthing's picture

I actually told BM last week that she has it easy, he just hands her money but I have to live with him. Needless to say DH didn't like that comment even though I said it is the truth.

Denial's picture

My concern is - if I were in your shoes - I would be talking face to face with Ex and his new wife about what the kids are telling you - and kindly request they quit fighting in front of them.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but kids are not to be involved in those kinds of things, whether in tact or blended. Shame on the adults for fighting in front of them.

Totalybogus's picture

Dee, did your husband leave you for her? I ask this because if he did, that could be why she is so insecure when it comes to you. She probably realizes that if it was done with her, it could be done to her. Also, in the throws of an affair, everything seems like heaven. Now that they are married and she is the one picking up his socks and writing out the bills, AND dealing with an x wife and stepkids, it may not feel like heaven anymore. Your x could be inadvertantly showing signs of missing his old life with you because chances are, it isnt heaven for him either anymore.

If that is the case, let her stew in her own juices. Let your x deal with her. Don't worry about what is going on in their home. The chips always fall where they may. You just need to make sure you keep the lines of communication open with your x, not his wife regarding your kids to make sure they grow up as adjusted as possible given the circumstances.