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I am about to scream right now....

Totheend12345's picture

I am so annoyed right now.

 

SD is the devil, she is awful, she stole money from me last time she was over (found out a few days after she left and it was long gone by then). She lied to us, she talks to us like we are bellow her. She makes all the rules at her moms house and her mom doesnt make her mind then when she comes over its us dealing with it.

 

At first I thought DH would stand up to her, and make things better, but not seeming to happen the little brat is still making the rules. She said she has plans Friday night so she will come over Saturday afternoon instead and we can take her home Sunday before church becuase her mom has plans with her.  DH is all cool with that, I am like 1st off why even come if its only for a few hours. and 2nd of all if we have to be around her why not make her follow the complete schedule. the more he gives in, has no boundaries the harder its going to be. I know its so irrational for me, but i get so mad what ever she says go.

 

Just like when she was caught sending dirty photos on her cell phone we took it away. BM threw a huge fit, and has her grandma get her a new one. Now SD is still doing the same thing because BM will throw a fit if we take cell phone away. And if we try to at our house its like WW3. 

 

Or that fact BM said SD had to DH permission to get her belly button peirces, DH said no not until she was 16 atleast. Well BM said okay and then let SD get it done.

 

How do you get over being so mad about all of this? How do you stop caring a 14 year old, stole 300$ from me and neither parent will do anything (dh said he doesnt know what to do because BM wont make her give it back, i told him i was about to file a police report but he said it wont do any good they will both deny it). How do you get over the fact SD comes only when she wants to? The fact  she acts like we are totally idiots and she is the best thing ever. The fact the SD says something and it goes. Like the fact she wants to change the visiation to fit her plans. The girl has all but four days a month to hang out with her friends (honestly its only 2 days becuase friday we pick her up after 5, and on sunday we get her home before 1 because she is ready to go, so those days she can do what ever still.) 

 

GoingWicked's picture

I would file the police report anyway.  It may not get you paid back, but it puts BM and SD on notice that you aren’t going to take this kind of behavior.  Other than that, take it out of Christmas/birthday money and take everything out of her room, box it up until it’s paid back.  Also, take responsibility for yourself, don’t leave money or valuables out unlocked.

Totheend12345's picture

It was in my underwear drawer she went snooping. I agree I have it locked up now in the safe.

grace8205's picture

Steal her phone when she is sleeping or if its unattended. If she asks or if anyone asks, you haven't seen it. At that point mention to her that things seem to disappear by themselves like $300 cash. Then walk away. 

tog redux's picture

So, there are a few different issues here:

1. She doesn't come for her whole weekend? Eh, who cares. She's 14, she's a pain in the ass, you don't want her there anyway, so why try to make her come for MORE time? By the teen years, a lot of kids no longer want to go for NCP weekends, and that's fine, if she still has an overall decent relationship with her father.  Let him decide if/when she comes over, and you just be grateful if she doesn't.

2. Stolen money.  Do you know she stole it? How do you know? Can you prove it?  If so, file a police report. 

3. BM - you guys can't control what BM does and SD is not your kid, so stop trying to discipline her. Disengage and let DH handle parenting.  If he wants to be a wimpy pushover, then so be it, there is nothing you can do about it. If SD is directly disrespectful to you, tell her to knock it off.  But don't help DH with any parenting, transporting, laundry/cooking for SD, or anything.  Not your kid, not your problem. 

Totheend12345's picture

1.) i guess i feel like she gets to call the shot. What she says goes and that drives me nuts! But i should let that go

2.) She was only one in the house that weekend besides me and DH. DH doesn't need my money, and I know how much I had. I hide it for an emergancy. I can prove it logically but I dont know enough for police.

3.) He will always be a push over, but last time she was talking about wanting to get knocked up. If he does not step up soon we will have her full time. Once she gets to the point BM can't deal with her she will ship her to our house. Then it will be my problem. Me and DH have an amazing realtionship until it comes to her. And that sucks because she is a big part of his life, and that means it could be a big problem. 

tog redux's picture

Then make clear to him now that you will not agree at any point for SD to be in your home full-time. And make an exit plan in case he decides to do it anyway. 

CLove's picture

including your heart away from thieving SD who wants to run buck wild.

Perhaps she will be able to pull her head out of her buttox when she grows up, perhaps not - you did not give birth to this child, so you cannot take responsibility for her. Vent here but allow DH the pleasure of dealing with it. He is the one who must enforce custody orders/schedule, not you - unless it somehow affects your plans and your life.

All you can really do is to enforce YOUR own boundaries. Lock all your stuff up. File paperwork. Dont give her a red cent, or even 2 cents. If your DH wants to let child dictate schedule, gently let him know its a bad idea, and why, then its up to him to stand up. Children dont get to dictate the schedule. Munchkin has tried to do that a few times, to test boundaries. The only reason that DH doesnt push too hard is because she would rather stay with us. So we have that.

Dont let her get away with theft. As she is testing boundaries to see what she can get away with, these "tests" will escalate to progressivly worse iterations. This in fact happened with Feral Forger (previously Winona). She was caught stealing from a JC Penny, at 17. Previous to that she had been let go from a job after only 2 weeks (or less) I think for stealing. Then, just recently, after just turning 20, she has stolen checks from momeee and the ones we have found toal $600, although BM Toxic Troll claims she is "1,200 in the hole"...and there are at least 3 other bank accounts that we know of currently. One that is linked to my DH's bank account and savings account.

Just yesteray he has reached an agreement for closing the old child account and him not having liability for that.

so - if is not nipped down immediatley it will definitely get worse. Lock your valuables and disengage. You cannot care more than the parents do!

Totheend12345's picture

Stepping back and not being mad is hard. I feel like I need to stand up for DH and take care of him since he is to big of a weenie too.

 

I will try but I still get so mad.....

tog redux's picture

He's a grown man and he's choosing to be a weenie. Not your problem, not your job to protect him from his own kid.

Just step back and take care of your own sanity. 

futurobrillante99's picture

It's not your job to protect another adult from their own stupidity, weakness and poor parenting.

Insulate yourself and let your grown ass DH man-up - make sure only HE suffers the consquences from his evil spawn.

MrMcBride's picture

I may just be saying this because of my current experiences but it sounds like the relationship is not respected as a couple.  Totheend12345 should have a partner that goes toe-to-toe together in making rules of the home.  I agree, locking up valuables is probably a good preventative measure, but that's a bandaid fix to a bigger problem.  Where there's a will, there's a way, and from I read the reason the SD is allowed to do what she does is because both BP's are enabling the SD to get away with it.  Frustrating position to be in.  I'd ask what they can do as a team to tackle this instead of splintering and differing styles of parenting and rule setting.  

He doesn't come across like he cares as much and disengaging is the best choice.  Impossible if he is not willing to do his due diligence as a parent and not fair to Totheend12345 whatsoever.  I'd recommend counseling to him and see what he says.  Our partner should always be willing to lend a hand to a problem, especially to a stepparent.  It isn't easy feeling drowned, but our partner should be willing to be loud enough for both.

MissDenise's picture

You won't be seeing her much. Sunday drop her off after breakfast. I agree, I actually think you should take her phone. Mainly it sends a clear message, she'd better stop stealing from you or other stuff will disappear. Now since it's been ignored basically I'm afraid she'll do other things to your possessions. OP it's your home too, make the rules and enforce them. She acts horrible put her in your car and take her home. There is no excuse at age 14. If she doesn't improve I'd ban her from you home. Let DH pick her up for outings etc. 

bananaseedo's picture

I really like the idea of dissaperaing the phone and then the comment of -it's insane right? Just like my $300 dissapeared and nobody did it....and let them stew.

Disengaging is not easy and I get how it upsets you to have her call all the shots-that was my SD- did/came/went as she pleased.  Always demanding things done her way. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your DuH needs to reimburse you for the money and value of items his asshole demonspawn stole from you.

MissDenise's picture

I find it disturbing he didn't offer right away. Do the math...without a doubt it was her. I don't know how their bills are done, but I would have told DH she'll be recouping the $300.00 back from him. Less her portion of bills, or however she decides to work it. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Same here.

2Tired4Drama's picture

But your DH will have to go along with it.

Next time SD visits, have DH tell her that you all need to stay put and can't go anywhere because the police may be coming.  He should explain that the police will be coming over to take statements from him, you and SD - since you were the only three in the house when the $300 went missing.  The police will need these statements since that amount of money constitutes at the least a misdemeanor crime if not a felony.  Don't accuse her, just make it very clear that a crime was committed and a report must be filed.  

He should explain that the police don't care who did it but will find out and the law gets applied when they do find the culprit.   There are very real consequences for bad behavior and it isn't all fun and games.   

Then let SD sit around the house all day and stew in her thoughts.  Of course, don't let her know that the police are NOT coming over and you didn't contact them.  

This is a very important life lesson that your DH needs to teach.  

Later in the evening, after you've been in the house all day, your DH needs to tell her that the police officer won't be able to make it, but you will go down to the office and file a report.  Tell SD she needs to write out a statement about that weekend - did she let anyone in without your knowledge, did she leave any doors unlocked, was she alone in the house (for how long), etc.?   That will also give her pause for thought when she has to write down herself what she did.  

Shake her @ss up and nip this in the bud now.  

Winterglow's picture

Just a thought to tag on to that ... OP, what kind of "dirty pictures" has she been sending? Are they of her? If so, they could be construed as kiddy porn. I'd ask at the police station if they could send someone to explain to her what the risks of doing that are ...When she sees the policeman come to the door, she's going to shit herself!

MissDenise's picture

From all I've read she sounds too far gone. She may even enjoy the attention..delinquents enjoy negative attention...because it's still better than none.. She can try, but this girl probably has something undiagnoised. OP and DH should have her evaluated imo.