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I’m losing my mind Seeking advice

Bettylou78's picture

Here I sit in my bedroom Pretty much my existence when the Spawn of Satan AKA SS13 is over. Yes I’m welcome in the rest of the house BUT I will Be subjected to screaming, Annoying screeching, and being talked to Rudely by SS. I have to keep my purse with me as SS steals. When I come out of the bedroom I find a house that looks like WW3 hit. SS uses my Couch as a Napkin to wipe his greasy hands with since he refuses to eat with a fork like normal people. Wipes is Boogers on the bathroom wall. I’m lucky if I can get a weekend visit without SS breaking something since he refuses to walk in the house. My husband is worthless as SS12 can do no wrong in his eyes. I really don’t know how much more I can take. I’m Seriously Considering divorce. 

Everything else in my marriage is great except this brat who we have almost 50 percent of the time. Before I throw in the towel I would like to hear from others on how they Disengage or deal with bratty SS kids. Please don’t say talk to my husband as I’ve done that till I was blue in the face. It’s pointless. I need Suggestions on how to make SS’s visit as painless as I can. 

My next question is I’m going to hang in there for another 6 or 7 months. If I find I just can’t take it after that time I want to also be planing my exit. What are some things I can be doing now to make my exit easier? 

sandye21's picture

Give DH written rules of the house to be handed over to SS by him and inform him it is non-negotiable.  Leave the house and spend the time elsewhere until SS has left.  This situation is intolerable for anyone.  You are going to have to set boundaries and stand firm.  If DH refuses to do this don't wait 6 months. 

Donewithstepturd's picture

If everything else in your marriage is great I wouldn't give up if you have the kids only 50% of the time. Don't give in to those brats, 13? Only 5 more years until they're out! Make the best of the time you have without them there, and ask DH to clean after his Satan Spawn if he's not gna make them himself. I'd take away privileges until these behaviors were corrected, make their life unbearable, if they don't like your rules they can stay with bio mom. I have a skid 99% of the time and I completely understand. 

tog redux's picture

But see, when people say everything else is great, I don't understand. All I picture is:

1. HE LETS HID KID RUN ROUGHSHOD, DESTROY MY HOUSE AND DISRESPECT ME. FOR HALF OF MY DAILY LIFE

2. Other unimportant thing I like about him

3. Other unimportant thing I like about him

4. Etc. Etc.

Maybe I don't compartmentalize well. I think a "great marriage" includes him being a good parent and ALSO, caring about my feelings and needs.  And these type of skids don't leave at 18 (nor do most kids nowadays).  And they continue to be entitled jerks well into their adulthood, and he will continue babying him and letting him treat you like dirt.  So waiting until he's gone aka 5 years she can never get back, doesn't seem like a viable option to me.  This could go, literally, until she dies, in some form or another. IF she stays with him.

I'd lose all love and respect for him. 

 

shamds's picture

Automatically at 18, or their bio parent pushes them out to be independent.

only thing that got some results from me was to force hubby to address the issues or divorce was only option. I told him very clearly since he doesn’t respect or care for me and our 2 kids together, that intolerable and disrespectful skids and the exwifes satisfaction is way more important than us and hubby refuses to man up and change things and uses the excuse I don’t want the drama, well tough shit!! You helped caused the drama, allowed it to continue and then brought 3 sane people into this mess. So deal with it or i am out and you can grow as an old lonely man because the exwife and skids do not care for you 1 bit, they treat you as an atm and you’re all for keeping them happy to not upset the status quo and forget you are alienating and pushing away people who care about you for those disrespectful arses.

that first time hubby told ss off, ss was 18/19 and had the nerve to say he knows he actively does those bad things but he isn’t wrong, then hubby is losing it with ss and ss says “person is stressed” as a means to shut hubby up. Hubby called him selfish and only thinking about himself.

ss threatened to run away from home at 20yrs old purely because hubby told him to acknowledge me and our 2 kids together and to be respectful. Yeah that was laughable because ss has no job and wanted to run away and live where? Who would pay for rent? Or is he seriously dumb enough to ask hubby to pay for his rent and ongoing expenditures??

hubby had the nerve to say his son wanted to leave home because of me. I told hubby i was not the problem here and ss wants to run away from home and cut off contct from hubby all because he told him to be respectful and civil with us is childish and laughable and boo hoo call the wambulance and tell him to grow the eff up. I disengaged at that point.

i do not see myself wanting a relationship with any of the skids.

hereiam's picture

My husband is worthless as SS12 can do no wrong in his eyes.

I'm sorry, but how does your husband think that it is not wrong to wipe boogers on the walls, steal, be rude to you, and everything else that you mentioned?

For me, there would be no disengaging when it came to my home being destroyed or myself being disrespected. You are not only being disrespected by your SS, but also by your husband. That's a problem that I would not be able to ignore, 100 percent of the time.

If you do plan on leaving, make sure you have your money in a separate account, have any important papers (or anything else) in a safe place, and I would start looking around for places to rent or buy (if you will be the one moving out). It wouldn't hurt to get some consultations with divorce lawyers, also, so you are not scrambling to find one at the last minute.

tog redux's picture

You know how it goes - he gets that it's wrong but he's afraid to set limits because then the child might like BM better and not want to come over.  His wife's feelings mean nothing, it's only DH's OWN feelings and fears that are important here.  So instead of owning that he's a crap parent, he tells her, "C'mon, he's just a kid!"

I hope he at least cleans up after the kid, but somehow I doubt it.

shamds's picture

To run away or never maintain contact with dad so basically daddys way is shut up amd tolerate it and wifey needs to follow suit because he’s too chicken shit.

i sorted that issue with my husband 2 yrs ago, we may have minor slip ups but i am very forceful in saying bluntly, “no I won’t tolerate this shit, you want me at blah blah blah event or to be around blah blah blah people (skids), make sure there is basic respect and manners and that we are not shunned and disrespected or the hell and drama you think your kids and ex wife will rain down on you aint nothing compared to the hell you’ll get from me

Bettylou78's picture

I agree my husband is a ass when it comes to stepbrat. This is my second marriage and hate to see this one fail also. I’m in my late 40s so the thought of starting over again is Horrifying. Not even talking about dating again but just the thought of going through all the moving and buying a new house. This time around I won’t have the emotional support of my family as both my parents have passed away and I’m a only child with no relatives.

I think I will look into a free Consultation with a divorce attorney just to see what they say. I do have all my Financial stuff in my name only. Unfortunately I moved in with my husband four years ago and we never got around to putting the house in both our names. That being said I’m probably going lose the money(half Mortgage, taxes and repairs) that I put into the house. Oh well. 

tog redux's picture

You don't necessarily lose what you put towards the house -  they can determine how much you get, based on how long you were married and how much you put towards the mortgage and expenses.

Can you move to an area near a good friend? I do get how hard it must be to feel like you don't have a support system when making such a big change.

hereiam's picture

It does suck to think about starting over, especially with no support system but sometimes it's necessary, and worth it, once you get past the hard part (moving sucks!).

Check with divorce attorneys on the house situation, it might not be a total loss.

Only you know what is right for you . I remember with one member, just looking at other places to live gave her a sense of relief, calm, and peace. She knew leaving was the right choice.

Rags's picture

Historically puppies who peed or pooped on the carpet had their nose rubbed in the spot and their tail swatted.  Time to adopt this methodology with the spawn from hell.

Buggers on the wall get him and daddy marched to the booger deposit on the wall and then held there until they fix the problem including scrubbing, disinfecting and touch up painting the spot.  The same with greasy Skid prints on your sofa.

Start carrying a spray bottle or a small compressed air horn (avaiable at Home Depot or Lowe'd) and when the spawn from hell screaches or screams at you spray him in the face of blast him with the high decible horn.  Daddy won't be able to ignore the Skid screaming that is interrupted by a horn blast.

Though at this point I would just call a lock smith to rekey the locks and put both the failed father and his toxic pelvic projectile on the curb and out of your life.

Any investment you made in the home and any equity growth on the home since your moving in should be recoverable (at least half of it).  Speak with your attorney.

Evil3's picture

Since you have one foot out the door, you have nothing to lose if you tell your DH that unless something major changes within X amount of time, I'm gone. I did that. I felt that since I was on my way out, I had nothing to lose in telling my DH that the mini-wife Disney dad shit stops pronto or I'm out. My come to Jesus meeting backfired, because I acutally wanted to go, but DH made a ton of changes, so I stayed. In my case, my SKs were ancient and waaaaaaaaaaaay over the normal range of launching age and I was able to remain adamant that neither SK would live with us ever again.

When my SKs were young and I was being driven insane with their feral behaviour, I had my DD19. I took DD to parent/infant swim lessons, library, parks, little tykes gymanstics and just everywhere that I could go. I stayed out of the house a lot to stay away from the annoyance and to mitigate my SKs' influence on my DD. Of course it wasn't always practical to stay out of the house, but I implemented quiet time and other set activities and took DD to the master bedroom for those. When DD was older, we had an hour of reading/craft time. Ironically, my extremely loud, ill behaved SKs got jealous and wanted an hour's reading/craft/quiet time too. LOL

We have a music room, so I escaped to it with or without DD and played the piano and violin. I got DH to start looking after DD so I could return to karate training. I went to the gym and took courses and studied at home. The studies were an excuse to be in the master bedroom after DD was put to bed. That was another good escape opportunity from my SKs. 

Can you join a gym or book club? Take up a musical instrument or go to a knitting class? It takes you out of the house for something for you. Something you take up might be cathartic too. Before DD was born, I would go hide somewhere and knit. If the SKs came and found me, I put them to work and made them hold their hands up so I could wind yarn. LOL. They actually enjoyed that and would fight over who could do it next. LOL. It actually endeared them to me a little.

Bettylou78's picture

We Currently have one LARGE dog and two cats I plan on taking with me. Demon Spawn likes to Torment the animals. Another one of his wonderful qualities. I’ve mentioned this to DH and all he says is I’m Over exaggerating and boys play Rough. Umm I’m sorry but when friendly cats hiss and run at the very Sight of SS he needs to be told stop. So this being said there is NO way in hell im leaving the pets so I need to find a place to either buy(best) or rent that I can have all my animals. I could tell DH and he could say goodbye and get out. Then what?? Your step kids sound half way Decent in the fact they would take a interest in you. I’ve tried but for the most part my SS wants nothing to do with me. Never comes looking for me unless he needs me to do something DH can’t which is rare.  It’s all about “daddy”. I think he Actually enjoys it when I disappear that way he gets “daddy” all to him self. 

We live out in the Country so there’s really not too much to do and there’s a drive to get any place. I do try and plan my work hours when SS is over as much as I can so this helps. I have been thinking about doing Volunteer work when SS is over. That’s a win win situation. I’ll just have to see what is available in my area. 

Siemprematahari's picture

BettyLou~ you are better off starting over again now than staying in this toxic marriage where your H doesn't parent. I can't imagine living with a SS like that and under those horrific conditions that you stated. You can do bad ALL by yourself! Don't allow fear of starting over again, be the reason why you don't leave this marriage. Your H is not that wonderful if your needs and concerns are not addressed and are always dismissed. 

Plan your exit strategy and be done with this. You are still young, healthy and full of life. Don't buy into your age and think you can't. You got this! Take control of your life and live it to the fullest, you deserve happiness.