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I’m leaving him.

Animegirl's picture

I've been quiet here recently because I've been trying to navigate some very difficult waters. 
 

Grab a cup of tea. You won't believe this. 
 

DH, SS12, SS9, SD7 and I all moved house (entirely at my expense) to a beautiful, big home in the summer. I hated our old house which we rented from slumlords.
DH never got himself in check to move (never any money or drive to move us), so I took the initiative and arranged for a new living situation.

At the beautiful new house, I started paying all the rent and bills as DH's work is seasonal and come rent time he would magically have no money. It was never agreed upon that I would pay for everything, he just.. skipped paying his share once and never started again. I should say that DH is 13 years older than me, a USA citizen (which I'm not) and not financially irresponsible, which I didn't know before I moved here to the USA and few years ago. 
 

Right now, my marriage visa is pending approval (I've been waiting 2 years) and in that time DH has slowly taken more and more liberties, knowing I'm not permitted to leave the country yet. It's very hard not to be able to fly home for fear of being barred re-entry. My pets and work are both here and I just can't take that risk. 
 

I caught DH sneaking vodka at night and then gaslighting me, saying the drink wasn't his. He also hacked into my Facebook to snoop around, using a deactivated cell phone of mine which I keep in a drawer. I was notified by Facebook of the access into my account from that phone and when I went to check on my old phone it was gone. I had to reset all my passwords, which upset DH. 
 

I then got suspicious of why he was trying to check up on me - did he have a guilty conscience? The answer is yes. One night I checked his Facebook (which I've never done before, but his behavior was more and more erratic) and I found messages to other girls in my industry. I'm personally well known in my industry and these girls were fans of my work. DH was schmoozing them, claiming to be the reason behind my success, which is hilarious because I hustle from dawn til dusk whilst DH sits in his underwear and browses Craigslist for freebies he can pick up and maybe sell. He claimed to be my 'manager' and said to these girls that he was the reason behind my book deal and tv deal. He even said he saw 'talent' in one of these girls.
Worst of all, he was confiding about his drinking problem to a random woman he felt he had a 'connection' with. He told her that he couldn't confide in me because I'm judgemental and wouldn't understand that *im* the reason he drinks. 

This hurt me so much because I've stood by him always. I have given my love, time, affection and money time after time and always been encouraging of him. I've always been approaching and non-confrontational when asking him to open up to me about the drinking because *i know* it's a problem and I want to support him through it until he's in a better place.

I was so hurt that I took screen shots of everything, mailed them to a secure email and woke him up. It was 2am.  When I tell you he became the devil.. I mean it. I truly feared for myself as he spat derogatory slur after slur at me and crossed the hall to smash my work equipment. He blamed me for being 'unfaithful' (which I haven't been in the slightest) and  said he would have me deported somehow. He said (and I got all this on voice recording) that he'd 'call ICE on me' and 'get rid' of my dog. My dog is the only close companion I have and he knows how much I rely on my dog for emotional support and companionship as I have no family or friends nearby. I also cannot drive and we live rurally where there aren't even busses, Uber's or Lyfts. 
 

I was so scared that I went to bed and locked the door. I got on the phone to my life coach who has been helping me find self esteem. While I was on the phone, DH smashed through the door and yelled at my life coach. He called her every name under the sun. 
Then, he proceeded to angrily climb into bed and blast music behind my head all night from 3am to 6:30am. If I moved to another part of the house, he came with me. He didn't let up. 
 

When dawn broke, he got in the car and sped away for a few days. I don't know where he went in this time. I walked up the mountain to my closest neighbour who I didn't really know. I didn't know what I was going to say. His wife answered the door to ask who I was and I just burst into tears. She called her husband home who is a state trooper and they just let me talk. I told them everything - the emotional abuse, wrecking my things, ruining my finances.. I was so embarrassed. 
 

I shared the recordings I took with them and they were horrified. The state trooper drove me to his station and helped me to file a police report. He also put me in touch with a domestic violence coach who I check in with daily, along with my life coach. 
 

The landlord sadly won't release either me or DH from our lease, which we are 6 months into. 
 

DH came home and emotionally punished me for weeks for going to the police (he found my police report copy with my passport). He went to the police station to claim that I am a danger to his children as I have depression. They didn't buy his story and I countered because he tried to get me to babysit his three kids the day he got back from his adventure away from the house. 
 

Since then, I have been taking steps to safeguard my future. I do not and will not forgive that behavior. I have stopped paying his share of everything and I have the landlord write me receipts for my share in my name. I don't pay his backlog of debts anymore, and if the electricity or heating gets shit off because I refuse to pay up anymore for his share, he has no choice but to dip his hand in his pocket, otherwise he won't get to have his kids over. 
 

Legaly, I can't leave yet and I am working on changing my visa to the VAWA visa which is a self petition based on domestic violence. Once that's through (hopefully 3-4 months) I will have a SSN and ability to drive. To keep me sane I've confided in close friends and family about my situation. They're all being so kind and helpful - checking in on me and taking turns to visit me every few weeks. I have friends driving across states so I can spend a weekend away and my brother came from Europe for two days just to see me and remind me what family looks/feels/smells like. 
 

Once I'm able to go, I will. I'm looking at new places in a new state and I am speaking to a divorce lawyer. All of this is in secret because I *do* fear my husband now. He has calmed down and tries to be kind and gentle like he used to be, but I've seen his inner demon now and I can't unsee it. Im just burying myself in my work and secure group chats with loved ones to keep me sane. 
 

I realise DH keeps saying 'we' when I talk of my work plans next year. I'm going to be accepting a few awards, publishing a book, appearing on TV, working with one of the gods of my industry and travelling all over the USA to meet fans and companies who want to work with me. DH is 'excited'. Little does he know that I haven't booked him as a +1 as I normally would. Instead I'm taking fellow industry women who I want to nurture, collaborate with and see thrive. 

I know now I deserve better. The kids are nice at times but they're not mine to fix. I can't teach them to wipe their butts. I can't expect DH and BM to realise that an almost 13 year old who sucks his thumb and security blanket isn't normal. 
 

I'm still so young and I have no kids of my own. I know I can't have them with DH. If anything, I want to be alone to focus on loving myself again and pouring my time, energy, love and resources back into myself, not DH and his 3 kids. 
 

I just wanted to share. 
My situation isn't ideal, making believe with DH that we're more or less ok. I think he's trying to make ammends because he *finally* after 4 years for another job to help with bills, but all I'm doing is regaining a little of the huge amount of money I've lost in the time we have left together, and then I'm going to be off like a shot. 
 

DH is taking a trip right at the end of our lease to go and see his siblings in another state. When he goes, I'm planning to pack up my own U-Haul and disappear. I have friends and family flying over to help me with that. 
 

I know my life sounds a bit sad right now, and it is, but I'm finally feeling a little happiness again when I think of being alone, somewhere more populated and modern. Just me, my dog and *my* accomplishments and flourishing career. 
 

That feels good. I can hold on for that Smile

tog redux's picture

My husband is from another country, we just went through all of this - so YES, it is. After marriage you convert any other visa to a green card.  It's called "adjusting status" as the OP says below.

BethAnne's picture

As such the original visa is not a green card. It is one step on the way to a green card but is not in of itself a green card and does not magically turn into a green card without more forms, more evidence and more money. Not sure why you would argue otherwise having been through his process...

tog redux's picture

Correct - but she said she is waiting for her "marriage visa" and there is no such thing - not sure why you'd want to argue when you are clearly incorrect.  The visa you get when you are married is a green card. Have you been through the process?  She has a K-1 visa, which can be adjusted to a green card.  She can't stay on the K-1 after she's marrried and there is no other type of "marriage visa" she can get OTHER than a green card. 

Please advise on what this mythical "marriage visa" is if not a green card. I don't believe I ever said you don't have to do anything to get that visa. 

BethAnne's picture

People frequently use colloquial terms when talking about specialist subjects in a non specialist forum, it is not on the OP to detail exactly which type of visa she is here on and it would mean nothing to most readers even if she did. 

Having said that, if you want to spend your day looking up the differnet types of "marraige visas", how they work and why a green card is not considered a visa you are welcome to do your own research. I see no need to repeat information that is easily available if you choose to seek it out. 

Animegirl's picture

I'm not on a marriage visa. I had a B1 tourist visa which then became a K1 fiancé visa. After we married we were supposed to adjust status but DH never had his half of the filing fee, which at the time he promised he had. He kept putting things off until I realised he didn't make enough money to be my sponsor, and despite making around 75k a year I cannot sponsor myself. We had to find another family member of his who would sponsor. When we submitted that the government went into shut down. After that, my visa stayed as 'pending'. I'm due for biometrics in February. Instead, I'm going with VAWA. I have no green card and no SSN yet. No driving permit, No health insurance either. None of those are things are available to me as an immigrant without SSN. 
It's amazing people believe immigrants have it easy. We don't. 

tog redux's picture

You can have an SSN without a green card. You can get one with a K-1 visa.  You can also most likely get a driver's license.

Animegirl's picture

Yes! You're right!

My attorney has sent off for my SSN and a travel document Smile I can't wait! 

BethAnne's picture

Well done for reaching out to others and pulling yourself away from your ex’s toxic lies and manipulations. 

If you want to be out of the house sooner than the end of the lease many landlords would accept a transfer of lease if you help them to find new tenants. That might mean helping to advertise and show the property yourself, but if there is still a long time to go until the end of the lease it might be worth it to be able to move out sooner. 

In a few years time this will all just be a blip in your amazing life and you will be well beyond it all. 

Do what you have to in order to stay safe and sane in the last few months that you have to endure this.

 

Animegirl's picture

Thank you so much for the suggestion! I'll ask my attorney when I see him at my next meeting if this would be viable. I'm not sure if I could legally remove my DH before there is any physical violence, but it's worth knowing more about just in case! Really, thank you so much. Everything is going *so* right for me in my work life, but my home life is such a mess in comparison. I really feel the best way forward is without him. I just have to be smart about the way I proceed and make sure my ducks are in a row before I make a move. Thank you for your kindness 

ndc's picture

Good luck; it's great that you've seen your DH for the mean loser he is and you're taking steps to get away.  I hope your immigration stuff works out.

Animegirl's picture

Thank you so much Smile It should all work out. The marriage was in more than good faith and I have all the evidence I need to prove that DH was reliant on me much more than I am on him, and that severe mental abuse has been happening. He even had me under surveillance for a while in the house. Every week I was finding new mini WiFi cctv cameras pointing at my desk from behind books and ornaments. It's so unhealthy. I can't wait to be rid of this. 

ITB2012's picture

when looking for information on you, why on earth are you posting on a public forum? I know the usernames should be anonymous, but I think you're inviting trouble. 

My advice is to keep on going but only deal voice-to-voice or face-to-face with people who know the situation and are helping you. Delete this post and any others that give away your plans.

I'll be in the background cheering for you, though.

Animegirl's picture

I appreciate the concern but DH won't find this. He went for the easy targets - Facebook, which doesn't ask for a login and password each time. This site prompts me to enter my username and password each time and they're not saved the way that my old phone had passwords saved. I just find it comforting to talk to strangers sometimes. I still feel the need to protect DH when speaking about him to my friends and family because I don't want them knowing just how bad things have been or are until I'm out. I'm working through that with my life coach - the whole 'protecting' and 'fixing' preoccupation I have with DH and the Skids.

2Tired4Drama's picture

It's interesting that mine was deleted for merely pointing out discrepancies in OPs posts/story and relative Federal laws which govern such issues. 

I guess fantasy outweighs facts.  

Animegirl's picture

I flagged your comments because this isn't an immigration forum. As you can see from the above posts I'm happy to discuss things when people are being courteous. But your posts went far beyond sharing opinion. You were being extremely rude and also belittling. 

You are entitled to your opinion on me, but neither I or my situation is a vessel for your political anger. 

I'm here. I was admitted into the country. I've been thousands in fees and married in the best of faith. I am still here. I employ freelance Americans for my business and I try to do harm to none. I'm thriving in my work life and I love to lift others up - not tear them down. 

Rest assured if I AM found to be ineligible for a different visa then USCIS will issue me with orders to leave the country. But that's not your job. It's not for anyone here to judge or decide. 

And I'm quite honestly shocked at how nasty some people here have been. I've shared my story and I've just begun working out my next steps to remove myself from an unhealthy situation. There is no discrepancy in my prior posts because that's what people do when they become doormats. That's what happens when empathetic people involve themselves with narcissistic people. You end up chipping away at yourself, lying to yourself that your situation isn't so bad, and when the whole world (who can't see behind closed doors) tells you and reinforces that you're *so* lucky to have your DH, and that together you're *such* a power couple and *such* relationship goals who are changing the world, you become flattered, further blinded and try to protect them at all costs. 

When you cross an ocean, spend everything you have on your DH and have to miss 3 grandparents funerals, your little brothers graduation and the birth of your first niece, you don't just flush the relationship you've invested EVERYTHING into. And when you have NO family, no friends nearby to run to, no car, no public transport and you rely on your DH for your daily company, transportation, affection and conversation, you don't feel able to just leave. It's isolating and maddening at times. Ive felt powerless and underplayed that with humor and telling everyone I'm fine - until things were NOT fine. 

 

If you can't/don't want to believe that, that's your prerogative. I dont expect to change your mind and I have no desire to. But I'd like you to remember group rules: 

 

"People come to Step Talk to vent, yes.  However, no one wants to be treated poorly, insulted or demoralized.That doesn't mean you can't disagree.  Just treat each other with respect and don't become confrontational."

 

And your comments were left deliberately to try and catch me out and cut me down. I don’t understand why you would do that to someone who comes to an anonymous forum to share their story of where being a step mother led them to. 

 

Just really think about your motives when you comment. Words matter. Words hold weight and if I were still as fragile as I was a few months ago I might shut the door to reaching out and sharing, worried that I’m not going to be taken seriously. That happens a lot, and I’m just grateful that the positive people always outweigh the negative. 

 

Consider others in the future. Everyone is fighting battles you can’t imagine.

Animegirl's picture

That's ok. I'm sure there are many who also won't believe this. In a way it's sad because that's precisely why so many victims of abuse stay quiet. But, I'm also grateful you don't have abuse as a point of reference to refer to. Dealing with a narcissist is no joke. Anyway. I wish you well and you're entitled to your opinion. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

But if you try to point out facts, you will be flagged and get your posts deleted.  

If anyone wants to learn more, send me a PM.

sandye21's picture

My post - the one where I agreed with you - was deleted also.  I still agree with you.  LOL LOL

CLove's picture

Your story - captivating, and dramatic could be an episode of some kind of series on netflix, or a lifetime for woman drama.

I have experience in domestic violence as well - and it was also quite dramatic. When my ex fiance found out I was seeing someone else, while living in the same house (I had broken things off, and he beggd me to stay "as friends") he would drink a lot and then wake me up shaking me and calling me names. I would try to stay out of the house, but invariabley he would drink and the abuse would escalate. Finally one night while trying to record him, he grabbed my phone and when I tried to get it back he punched me in the stomach and slammed me into the wall, as well as slammed my wrists into the wall.

At this time my self-esteem was too low to fight for myself. Hes not a large man. And I was without a job at the time, was in a depression. The house was disgusting with animal hair and catboxes and stacks of things from the business he had just decared bankruptcy from.

But everyone who knew him personally believed him to be the absolute nicest man, kind, and generous. He would go out drinking with Clint Eastwood, and come home and be crawling on the floor, begging. It was all just out of the park.

There is hope - Im sending you prayer and positive vibes that you get your life on a postive track. Get your own cameras, get lock boxes. Sleep with the door locked. Im glad that at the end of this post you have begun building a network of folks who have your back. After leaving the home I shared for many years, I have just recently bought the home I rented, with my DH. He is financially responsible, we split everything down the middle, and I am no longer required to interact with SD20. Things are good, life continues to get better. It will for you too!

Keep posting, its helping.

Animegirl's picture

Aww, thank you so much!

Its really nice to hear some encouragement from strangers. Really, really nice Smile Especially because you've been in a similar position.

I am so, so sorry you had to go through that.. It really takes a low sort of person to physically attack another. You must have been so frightened. Did you 'switch off' and check out mentally for a bit before seeking help? That's an issue I sometimes struggle with. I am so shocked by behavior that sometimes I keep calm and carry on for a day or two before I realise how unacceptable something is. If any of my girlfriends went through what you or I went/are going through, I'd tell them not to wait and just to leave - but it's not that simple at all. I got give a great booklet by the local police which I read every week. It's called 'Why doesn't she just leave?'. Really insightful because I find myself nodding profisely!

Im so glad you've been able to pull yourself away from that abuse and have found someone who treats you with love and kindness - and who is financially responsible. You absolutely deserve that! 
 

And thank you for the support again. It really does help to hear kindness from strangers. I still don't say my whole truth to family and friends because I know they're all so loving that they'd come right to me on the next plane to pull me out of the house, but I have to ensure my legal stability first and get my ducks in a line so that when I do finally run for it, the bandaid is pulled off quickly and cleanly. Once I'm gone I don't want to have to see him again. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Not to be offensive, I'm just curious about the housing situation.

Since you DH went to the police to get you away from his kids - Did he even need to? Since you aren't yet a citizen, is your marriage even recognized as a legal marriage in the US? I'm asking because I know you can't own property, or even have your name as a co-owner. If he wanted you out, couldn't he just... evict you?

Again, not a malicious question. My wife and I watch 90 day fiance'. That's the extent of my knowledge. 

Animegirl's picture

I appreciate the questions
Thank for asking courteously. 
 

I could own property here if I wanted to. Its actually quite a common thing for foreigners to own US property. 
I just held off because I never really wanted to purchase in NJ and I wanted to wait for DH to be able to contribute to a down payment. 
He never did, so I chose to leave my money in the UK for a property there for myself if things went wrong. 
Im glad I didn't buy. He'd be entitled to half of a house that I bought if I had. *Shudder*
 

As for my marriage, yes it's definitely recognized. It was a legal marriage in good faith, witnessed by family members and following several years of documented long distance love (about 4 years I think before I moved here) and 7 years of plutonic friendship before that. Again, all documented. I'm sure there are a ton of sham marriages out there, and sadly shows like 90 day fiancé don't do much for those of us who do things by the book (expensively) and who love our spouses very much. 
Despite the horrible things going on here at home recently I do still love my DH. But I'm beginning to look at him like a much loved, broken ornament that I can't fix. 
It's very sad. In my heart I know he's not *evil* but he is manipulative and emotionally abusive. That's why I've taken the precautions of filing a VAWA. My VAWA attourney is so wonderful and is working closely with the local police dept to make sure I don't feel in any danger. If I do, there are safe places I can go. The VAWA is a lifesaver for people like me. You don't have to be physically abused to be eligible. Emotional is frightening and damaging too, and with sufficient evidence you can be taken just as seriously as someone who has been hit. Thankfully I'm not there. I don't know what I'd do if he physically struck me. So far he's just broken my work equipment in his rages. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT

An online influencer, who has disappeared in recent times, and is english.

"Animegirl"

Could you be B.D.? 

Animegirl's picture

Nope! 
 

But I'm also not going to give any clues, say yes/no to who I am either. I just came to share and vent. Not plug my online life. I hope whoever B.D is, she is safe. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

You called me out and had me flagged and told me, "This is not an immigration forum."  So why are you still posting about your VAWA?  Just would like to know your mindset.  This is not to be confrontational or abusive - it's a simple question.  Why do you seem to have one set of rules and others do not?

 

sandye21's picture

This thread HAS transformed.  It's been a while since there has been a post on this thread which had any reference to step-parenting.  This site began as "a place where step parents can vent".  I'm not trying to be confrontational or abusive either but the focus on VAWA does not seem appropriate for Steptalk.  There are other sources for obtaining info on immigration.

2Tired4Drama's picture

However, when a poster diverts from a Step issue to posting about all of their life's travails - then those other issues should be fair game for comment or discussion. 

Unfortunately, I'm learning that "fair" often only goes one way nowadays on ST.   

Rags's picture

I hurt for  you. I am furious for you.  I am proud of you.

As for hoping that your STBXF figures it out and pulls his head out of his ass.... as the addage goes..... hope in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first.  He is shit.  Flush him as soon as your lawyer gives you the green light. Screw the lease.  Set up another place and walk leaving him to deal with the landlord.  He has no money to sue you with so... leave he and his toxic shallow and polluted gene pool to wallow in their own stench.

I understand  your visa struggles. Though we are both US citizens my wife and I have spent many years as Expats. Often in countries where obtaining a visa for a "trailing spouse" is a nighmare of beurocratic ineptitude and corruption.  Since I was not willing to bribe the POS clerks and court officers (my bride would not allow me to even if I had wanted to) we were stuck with her flying out of the coutry every 60 days to do a VOA visa run.  The company had to fly her out every 60 days.  It started impacting the project margins and they once told me that they would no longer pay for her VOA runs. I told them to cut my a check for my accrued vacation and the substantial penalty they owed me for breaking my contract zx stipulated in the end of assignment clause and we would be out on the next flight... that they would book for us First Class as stipulated in the Mobilization/Demobilization portion of my employment agreement.  They shut up and continued to provide her with Executive Platnum status for all of her ins and outs. It was cheaper to keep flying her on visa runs than to default on our contract.

She has a history of so many in and out short trips between GCC countries that the TSA has a coronary any time we book airline tickets.  It sucked for her beyond just the hassle of having to work around the ineptitidue of the company I was working for and the corruption of the immigration office.  Because she is a tall, statuesque and very attractive woman and because we lived in a hotel (in a 2Br 2Ba apartment) she was regularly accused of being a prostitute.  She finally started carrying her State Department translated and certified degrees (2 bachelors and an MBA) and professional cert (CPA) to show to any immigration officers that gave her crap.  Eventually they all fell in love with her and would just smile, say hello, and try to engage her in  friendly bantering conversation while she got nasty looks from the airline passengers stuck in line behind her.  She became friendly with several of the immigration officers at the airport.  One immigration officer (a young woman) that she became friends with invited her to her home and to womens group events and even asked my wife to be in her wedding.

I am happy that  you are seeking citizenship and and proud that you are to be an American.

Don't sweat the nay sayers.  Many people struggle with understanding experiences that they have never had.

Though I am curious... I won't badger you with questions on your career and who you are.  I am only curious because your story and life are so interesting.

Good luck to you.