HUSBAND JEALOUS OF RELATIONSHIP WITH DAUGHTERS
Yesterday my husband and I were sitting on the patio talking. My DD got home from work and came out to talk to me about a test she had taken for the state in her attempt to find another job. She has graduated from college and is trying to find a decent job so that she can move out on her own. The job she has now pays minimum wage and with her student loans she needs to find something that pays more to be able to move out. She works full time but has been sending out resumes and going for testing in hopes of finding something better. When she is home she usually stays in her room, mostly becaue of my husband. My other DD is working and has a year to go and she will graduate. Between college and working we don't see her a lot easier. Like her sister when she is home she usually stays in her room if she is home, again because of my husband. Anyway DD comes out to talk to me about her test and her day at work (she works at the same office I use too) her sister also came out and we talked about this for about 20 minutes. Thought husband my chime in with something about the state test she had taken since he retired from the state and had hired people in his position but he never said a word. Instead he walked in the house slamming the door on his way in. He then sent me a text message saying he was leaving and going to get something to eat. Fine, whatever. I had no clue what he was upset about but then again that happens a lot so I just let it go. Well the girls decided to go to shopping and DD23 decided to change clothes before she left. While she was changing DD24 and I walked into the house into the kitchen. Husband was there eating his Big Mac and playing on his computer. DD and I stood their talking for about 5 minutes while other DD changed. Husband lost it. Slammed down computer and took it into the bedroom and came back grabbed his sandwich and took it in the bedroom. I went in and asked him what his problem was. He was upset because he felt "the girls" didn't include him in the conversation on the porch. Also apparently now we are not suppose to speak when he is in the kitchen on the computer and eating! This is not my first go around with him regarding the girls. My friends are amazed at how jealous of them he is. His relationship with his children is not close and he is usually contacted when they need something. He is fine with that. I however am close to my children but do not feel I am "to much of a mom" I will go days and not see or talk to the girls because of what he has done they spend most of the time in their rooms if they are here. I just don't get this, have never had to deal with this before. But it is destroying my relationship with him and the girls both. I can't get him to see he is being ridiculous and have no idea how to handle this...any suggestions?
Believe me I have called him
Believe me I have called him out of it numerous times. He denies it and blames it on me being "to much of a mother." He is retired and I sam home all day also so it is not like we have limited time to talk. We were not discussing anytthing important at the time they walked out and had in fact been discussing the place that DD works. We had an incident last month where he had several friends over for "manly movie night" as we have a theater screen in our family room. When he has these movies nights I ususally make up food for them to eat and then the girls make plans to go somewhere and if I want to stay home I pretty much stay in our room so as not to disturb them. Husband will come up into the room a couple of times just to let me know what is going on. But the girls and I try to stay out of their way and let them enjoy themselves. When the girls came back that evening they knocked on my bedroom door to show me what they had bought while shopping and find out what was going on downstairs (how much longer the guys would be here etc) their rooms are next to the theater room so they generally try to stay upstairs until the guys leave. While we were taling Husband comes up and sees them talking to me in our room. He comes in and the girls go out into the kitchen. He starts slamming things in the bedroom and then comes after me over them being allowed in our bedroom. He ended up causing such a scene that his friends had to leave, the girls went rushing out of the house in tears and we had a horrible row. I have never been so humiliated myself, devastated for my daughters and at a loss as to how to handle a husband who acts like a six year old girl sometimes.
I will admit they do not
I will admit they do not speak to him unless spoken to first. He has damaged his relationship with them so much with these blow ups and the fact is in our house you never know if you are going to say something that will set him off so it is easier for them to just stay in their room unless they have to engage him. DD has talked to him numerous times about the state tests. They do not constantly interrupt our conversations, like I said DD24 is working fulltime and looking for better jobs and DD 23 goes to school fulltime and also works. They stay in their room most of the time because they know that is what he prefers. He actually got rid of the cable box in the living room because he did not like them watching TV in there. He wants them in their room. I will admit he is the same with his children. He had his 9 year old last night and I actually never saw him. He eats supper in his room and plays video games in there all night. I see him if he happens to come out because he needs his dad to help him with some video game. The same thing with his 17 year old. He was here all weekend and I never saw him. I have told him how I feel about this, how wrong I think it is but them I am just accused of being to much of a mom again.
SAP I can understand if none
SAP I can understand if none of the kids were allowed in our room but that has just not been the case at all.
This is crazy. This is not
This is crazy. This is not how to create a HOME or a FAMILY life at all.
If DH wants to stay in his room and eat let him, he's an adult. But these kids, no matter what their age, need to know the love, nurture and benefits of a family.
I personally allow any of the kids in our room to talk if the knock first and show respect to our space and time.
It sounds like to me he has a crappy relationship with his kids and wants you to have the same with your DD's. He even wants the same for you and HIS kids. How can you live like this?
I have spent time in my room and so has SS16 when times were tough but all of the time is not even healthy!!!!
Expecting a 9 year old to stay in their room all night or weekend, even take meals in their is unreasonable and horrible parenting.
If I was you I would change that household and the atmosphere in it!!!! And if DH didn't like it I would tell him to get lost.
He is either emotionally or physically sick and needs help.
I would rather be accused of being too much of a MOM than to not be a MOM at all.
Do NOT lose the relationship with your daughters because of this man!!!
Interesting responses here.
Interesting responses here. SUPER interesting, considering there are numerous people on here who treat their skids the same way this man is, and those are kids.
Hello... these are two ADULT women still living with their mother and stepfather. Hellooooo.... who on here wants TWO ADULT stepchildren living with them??? They both work, they can share an apartment of their own. Even if it's a one bedroom.
Sure, DH is acting like a jerk. It sounds like the skids don't like him or treat him well, either. (Only speak to him if he speaks first, etc.) Maybe, just maybe, he's tired of having these adult stepkids living in his home mooching off of them. Maybe? I know I sure as hell would be cranky if my adult skids lived with me!!!
Real and newwife... haha
Real and newwife... haha
Seriously, though, this man has two adult "kids" living with him, mom admits they don't speak to him unless spoken to (rude) and they just carry on conversations with no acknowledgement that he's even in the room...and people are jumping all over HIM?!?
Dementia? Needs medication?
WTF?
gotcha. When I reach
gotcha.
When I reach retirement, I want peace and quiet. I don't want kids living with me. I want to visit with them and enjoy an adult-adult relationship instead of the parent-child relationship.
And I love my kids to the ends of the Earth. I just want them to flyyyyy....
i was actually interepreting
i was actually interepreting the daughters not speaking to him as a reaction to his actions. They hibernate most of the time in their bedrooms, (cause they know that he prefer's that) not speaking to him unless spoken too, his over reacted blow ups, to me it sounds more like everyone is walking on egg shells.
I agree that it probably IS stressful having family live there, i understand the situation.
Just from the little the OP has posted and commented, I am lead to believe that DH actions are deeper than just mad cause the girls are talking to their mom. or that she is being too much of a mom. Now that "deeper" stuff? I dunno. Could it be the the stress of the extra bodies in the house, the start of dementia, anger issues, etc..I don't know. It is obvious though that the entire household is not healthy for anyone.
If I was the OP I would be asking more specific questions after the blow ups/calm downs. I wouldn't just ask "what's wrong?" I would ask "why he got upset? what made him upset? was it when the daughter's started to talk?" etc.... I would say, "i noticed you were fine until such n such point, etc..."
^^^^ I agree with Foxie and
^^^^ I agree with Foxie and with Cant Win.
If their moving out were a
If their moving out were a possibility right now believe me they would. His son who is 26 just moved out in the past year. I would go weeks and not see him as would his father. He now calls when he needs something. His oldest he sees once a month when he drops by his insurance check. He has a 17 year old and a 9 year old and they do not live full time with us but are here on a regular basis. So if my daughters leave there are still going to be kids here. My grandkids are here a couple of times a month if not more in the summer and he doesn't have a problem with that at all. My son who is a police officer and works nights has stopped in at 11 at night to talk to me about something and he didn't have a problem with that. It is focused toward my daughters, the two that I am honestly closet too. And they are not perfect I will be the first to admit that nor are my grandchildren. But you are talking about blowing up over things such as the fact that I, "have to talk to them all the time" which is pantently not true. In fact I talk to them less now then I ever did and it is because of him. He has lost it over them forgetting to turn out a light. I can't tell you the times I have told them to please don't do anything to make him do this. But he making up rules as he goes along and then blowing up over them. There has never been a rule that you can't talk when he is in the kitchen and eating and playing Cityville but he blew up over that. I'm not sure the situation has ever occured before. But if we would have known it was a rule we wouldn't have done it. I really think there is some type of jealousy there. You know right before his son moved out we found a handgun in an unlocked case right out in plain sight in his bedroom with the door open. You could see it from the family room where his nine year old brother had been playing the night before. I thought he was going to loose his mind over it because it scared the daylights out of me. I wouldn't have blamed for exploding over that...but he didn't. Never even raised his voice when he called son and told him to come and get it. When the 17 year was arrested for smoking weed, did he blow up...no. And yet let mine leave a light on or have the nerve to talk to their mother and he explodes. I just don't get it.