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How would you handle gifts?

stormabruin's picture

We didn't get to see DH's kids for the holidays but we did get them gifts. We are torn on how to handle this. They don't contact him at all and haven't since July. Last we heard from BM (in Sept) SD13 is angry with DH. SS16 has called a couple of times, but conversation has been really awkward. They know we have gifts for them. (We also have SD's gifts we'd gotten for her birthday in Septmeber, but we weren't invited to her party.) We gone around and around on what to do with the gifts. We got each of them a $100 visa gift card, and then a few smaller things we thought they'd like. I figure our options are:

*Hold onto the gifts until we see them again
*Take back/use what we can (gift cards)
*Mail the gifts

DH gets supervised visitation, and BM said she'll meet him at the gas station they used to swap at for visitation and he could give them their gifts there. He said he's not having Christmas with his kids in a gas station parking lot. If they want their gifts she can bring them to Applebee's or something, let him have dinner with the kids (while she waits in the parking lot or something) and he can spend 30 minutes with them. She said no.

I say we hold onto the gifts and let them have them when we see them again. DH says if they can't give take 30 minutes out of their lives to talk to him, they don't need our gifts. He says we use the gift cards to buy groceries, etc and donate the rest of it to kids who will appreciate it.

I am opposed to mailing the gifts simply because we put out the expense in purchasing them. I don't feel like we should have to pay more to get them to them.

The problem I see in us using the gift cards and donating the rest of the gifts to someone else is that I know people who have grown up without their dads and looking back only remember "my dad never even got me a Christmas/Birthday gift" and felt hurt because he didn't think about them. Of course, their stories are different from ours in that their fathers didn't WANT to be in their lives.

Any suggestions?

Lost-in-lala-land's picture

I would keep the gifts for the kids until you see them again. It sounds like BM is intentionally setting up your DH to look bad to the kids since she only wants to let him see the kids in a gas station parking lot and wont even agree to dinner with them. It makes me wonder what she's saying to them.

Pantera's picture

I would send the gifts through the mail so that BM can't make DH look like the bad guy.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

stormabruin's picture

SS16 told the judge that he's mentally abusive and ordered anger management with a temporary supervised visitation order. He has to go back to court, again, to get the order changed. Thing is, before the temporary order was made judge determined that the kids could come for visitation as they chose rather than giving DH EOW. The whole thing started when DH took BM to court to enforce his visitation. Anyway, they've been in and out of court for about 5 years now, and each time BM shows up with kids on arm and a smirk on her face. He told me last time we went that whatever the outcome, he wasn't pushing anymore. The supervised visitation and anger management were ordered and he complied. The kids chose not to participate in visitation before the supervised order was made, so he sees it pointless to go back another time so the judge will say they can come and they choose not to anyway.

I know that she tells them everything DH talks to her about. It all comes out when DH talks to SS16. SS will deny that she makes negative remarks, but he knows too much of what's been said to have that be true.

Sus's picture

I would keep the gift cards and wait ( check expiration date, and use if you must before then )the other items I probably would donate to a childrens shelter or try taking them back and get a store credit.( no recipts they give store credits).
I have learned ( a few years ago)that my grandchildren never received things I mailed (gifts) and gift cards. When they lived with his family. ( my oldest is divorced )After 3 x.. I stopped sending.
Now that their father is out of the picture and they are in my families life again I buy for them. I recently found out my grandson 18 LOST his IPOD 350.00 And his sister 13 doesn't take care of expensive things.when I only had the two grands.
Plus I gained 9 NEW grand and step grand children this 2009 Winter so I changed everything drasticly.
I decided I spent way to much and they are ungrateful period, so I will now step back and save my money and take a trip that I want.
My older sister and I talked about that just this morning & she said, I do & give toooo MUCH!! You know what, She's 100% correct!!

my opinion>> IF the KIDS do NOT want to see their dad, they shouldn't get anything. Why should you keep putting your heart out and get rejected constantly.
I would take a picture (date them) of the "GIFTS" for future reference, just encase the BM is lying. That way years from now once they are adults, if it's mentioned, he can say, yes here's a picture of what I had bought for you both ( cover his butt)!! I was TOLD you didn't want anything to do with me. Sorry I am NOT to blame..I tried.
And ask them>> Why should I keep putting my heart out and get rejected constantly.??

Totalybogus's picture

Yes, I agree. Frankly the kids are old enough really to decide if they want to visit or not. If they are hell bent on not having anything to do with their dad, then the most he should do is send them a card. I wouldn't buy gifts for them, but I wouldn't totally shut them out.