How would I disengage w 3 skids if they are living w us 100%.

Forums:

:? I've been gone 5 days now. DH left town in a hurt feelings huff, leaving kids home of course. Came back 24 hours later. I made the mistake of telling him that the kids still needed to do their punishment chores... which had not been done since I left. I mentioned that living separately may work for us. He was adamantly against it.
I mentioned me detaching & just letting him handle anything pertaining to his kids. He says "That's not a partnership/marriage!"
If I knew that I'd end up w these kids 100% of the time I swear I would Never have married him. The 1st 2 yrs were crazy, but tolerable, as I always knew they were eventually going back to their BM, 300 miles away. So, we married... then all hell broke loose.
NOw that's not an option because BM's neglectful & unfit parent.
So, I was wondering, realistically, what it would be like for me to live w my dh & these kids? How do you detach when you can see the mess, hear the disrespect/disdain. Even IF DH agreed to take care of his kids' needs (w or w/out the 23 yr old niece/nanny)? How could I ever be comfortable in my own home?
Have any of you made this work?
Thank You!

Wow, so your husband let you

Wow, so your husband let you basically let you emotionally abuse his kids. Wow.

?how is that abuse?

Completely ignoring a kid (a

Completely ignoring a kid (a teenager is still a kid) who lives in my home, to me is abusive. Especially if the kid thought of you as a "mom".

I don't take crap from anyone, and have annexed people irl who I thought were toxic. But I couldn't completely ignore my husbands kids existence if they lived with me. I would be disengaged, but civil. As a biomom I would not be happy if my dh did that to my or our kids.

I would think the kid would grow up to resent that his father supported someone who ignored my existance.

I dont believe disengaging is

I dont believe disengaging is abuse. I do believe actively ignoring a kid is.

I actually do have a husband who lets me love myself more. It actually makes me feel a little guilty, because he does more for me then anyone else.

Disengagement cannot be done

Disengagement cannot be done according to one set formula because our situations are different. Some SMs can sit their husbands down and announce their disengagement. For other SMs telling your DH that you are disengaging is a huge mistake. Your DH is probably the type who will take it personally and punish YOU for it.

If I were you, I would not announce disengagement and do it quietly. Do it gradually. Just gradually stop doing things.

I cannot disengage 100% because my SS lives with me. For me disengagement means that I only do for him what I WANT to do and that I only intervene (discipline wise) when it is something that affects ME.

For someone else disengagement means never even acknowledging your skids' presence. Think carefully about what would work in your situation. You have to play a smart game.

Thanks Echo. I obviously

Thanks Echo. I obviously love my dh immensely or I would have been gone long ago, Twin sd12 & ss11 moved in permanently June 2013.DH JUST started getting a measly $200/mo child support. It took him over 2 years to file paperwork. He acted only after my therapist pushed me to give him a 1 wk to do it w an ultimatum. Remember, I have been 100% financially responsible since 3/2014!!! This includes his 20 something niece & nephew!
I have been the one organizing their mental healthcare, finding the twerking videos, chatting w men/boys when they are supposed to be doing schoolwork, fussing about them not doing chores, worrying & buying them clothes, shoes, coats, etch
DH actually has begun rolling his eyes & sighing when I point out that he needs to check the house every night @ 8 or when I tell them that they lied about chores or were disrespectful, rude, etc.
I left Tuesday after yet another blow up over a dirty bathroom w one of the girls. I passed out & hit my head badly. I have too many health issues to risk my life over these ungrateful brats.
I LOVE that you were able to make this work. I'm just afraid in my case that dh will not step up, nor will he force his niece/nanny to do anything.
Echo, dh is terrified now that I'm not there. He gave the niece a typical nanny's job description & had the twins do their punishment (after prodding by me).
I'm not returning until when/if I can see that dh is doing ALL of the parenting. I know it will be difficult ignoring them & what they do/don't do. Do you have any tips on detachment? Why would dh be opposed to this scenario if it means I return home?

Thank you stepinafrica...too

Thank you stepinafrica...too late, I mentioned it today, & you're exactly right. DH took it personally. "That's not a marriage/partnership. We'll just be roommates, etc"

I would suggest backing off

I would suggest backing off and disengaging gradually. Your DH probably sees you as a 'replacement mummy.' Which is an understandable desire in a bio parent - only that it is not rooted in reality and most of the time bio parents who demand this are not willing to do what it takes to make the step parent feel respected and included.

Just make sure you are not being used. Financially or otherwise. I do contribute financially to the households and buy some things for my SS. But I always set aside some money to plan MY future and that of MY kids. Because my DH has made it clear that I am not worthy of respect from my SS. Therefore although I will take SOME level of responsibility for him, he will not be a priority.

Yes, he definitely does see

Yes, he definitely does see me as replacement Mom1 He feels very guilty about leaving his kids when he left their mother. DHs Mom lived w them & when he left she stayed to help w the kids. After a while we met, fell in love, got engaged & moved 200 miles away. DH Mother dies unexpectedly from heart attack, leaving her w all the kids. The kid's therapist says that their mom stopped parenting them, neglecting the kids & years later the twin girls were molested by their older 1/2 brother.
SOOOOOOOO they technically "have had no mother" to speak of...... but... guess what? I don't want the job! I'm 55, 10 yrs older than my husband w grandkids their age.
I do love the skids, just not their behavior, attitudes, or what they are doing to their Dad.
Also, I don't know how to put myself first, & I do feel so, so used...& stupid!

You may love your H

You may love your H immensely, but how does he show you love? By mooching off you? Allowing you to support him and all his baggage while not having enough character to want to keep order or ease your burden? And a nanny? Why doesn't the mooch take care of his own kids? It's absurd. You fled your own house to escape the crazy. You bankroll all these moochers. Why??

I find your post disturbing, OP. You've switched from being done with being exploited in a toxic situation, to rationalizing that the kids are the problem. The truth is you are being bled dry by a man who is using you. That is NOT love.

Get those shameless human sponges out of your house asap. Take back your life and I promise your health will improve.

Thank you. I needed to hear

Thank you. I needed to hear that... worded just that way. I appreciate it. I do love him... just like I loved my last husband (of 18months)who used me like a physical/mental punching bag until he threatened my adult kids & I hard him locked up.
I'm in therapy & have amped it up since I left to 1-2 hours every day.
Thanks again.

I think Echo and others have

I think Echo and others have hit the keystone of making a blended family marriage work. Total respect and support between partners. PERIOD!!!

Nothing else will work IMHO. Disengaging or not, neither will work if the partners are not completely supportive of each other and if they do not make each other and the marriage the unequivocal priority. Kids cannot interfere or trump the marriage and the spousal relationship. Ever. For any reason.

Sure, kids are and should be the top marrital reponsibility but they never take priority over the marriage or spouse.

Rather than disengagement I am a full on confront the inappropriate and unacceptable behavior guy. My philosophy is to hold everyone accountable for appropriat behavior and apply consuences when necessary. The consequences have to meet the primary participants expectations for appropriate disciplinary punishment.

Zero tolerance worked well for me during the 16+ years we lived under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO. And it is oh so much more fun than disengagement. }:)

DH took it personally.

DH took it personally. "That's not a marriage/partnership. We'll just be roommates, etc"

No, because you are not disengaging from your DH, just your step kids. The problem is, your DH sees your marriage/partnership to include you parenting his kids because he doesn't want to.

If he feels so guilty, he needs to step up and be the parent these kids need.

My skids are with us 100%,

My skids are with us 100%, 24/7 and 3freaking65. I am disengaged. I step over stuff, throw it a closet, or the garbage - depending on how I am feeling at that moment. I don't drive anyone anywhere - except on the rare occasion that DH needs me to drive Karate Kid home from tae kwon do, and even then it's only if I am available and have agreed to do it as a favor to HIM.

I don't worry about school, doctor appointments, shopping for clothes, nothing and it is AWESOME!!!

You don't ask for permission

You don't ask for permission to live separately. Just do it and if he wants to save the marriage he'll step up. If not well then you're already set up for the single life. I would not step foot in that house until he's actually parenting his kids and providing for them financially as well as marriage counseling.