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How should this have been Handled? D7 ruins SO's bike helmet

amber3902's picture

Me and my two daughters, age 15 and 7 have been living with my SO for the past couple of months. Things have been going well.

My SO gets along very well with my daughters. Recently my D7 has been riding her bike in the neighborhood and one day I noticed my SO had given her his bike helmet to wear. LOL, her head is so big it actually fits pretty good. He said he would get her a proper helmet, but in the meantime, this was better than nothing.

So a couple of days ago, D7 comes up to me with that look in her face. The look that says "I know I've done something wrong and I'm going to get in trouble" look. Finally, after some cajoling, she shows me the bike helmet. The helmet is made out of light weight material, and she's colored with a marker on parts of it. Now, the helmet is black, and the marker she used was purple, so if you're far away you can't even see it. But when you get close you can definately see it.

Anyway, I tell her she has to tell my SO. She tells my SO. He takes a look, and says well, it's okay. It's a $120 bike helmet, but I don't care.

D7 also says she thought SO gave her the helmet, and that's why she thought she could write on it.

Now, I don't know what to do at this point. My SO is saying it's no big deal, my D7 is almost in tears, I'm wondering should I punish her, but SO keeps insisting it's okay, so I just tell her to go to her room for a time out.

My SO tells me not to worry, yes, it was an expensive helmet, but he doesn't want D7 to feel bad. I'm saying, but still, she should not be writing on $120 bike helmets.

This was about a week ago. A couple of days ago my SO brings home another helmet (this one he says was cheaper, it cost $60) and tells D7 she can wear this one, and she can write on it too if she wants.

I say no, she shouldn't be writing on anything except paper. He says okay, mom says no so you can't write on it.

I'm starting to wonder if I should have handled this differently. I'm thinking I should replace the helmet, but I can't afford to do that. But my main concern is I'm worried D7 did not learn her lesson. I don't care if it costs $1 or $100, I don't want her thinking it's okay to write on and ruin things.

amber3902's picture

Thanks for the tip on the alcohol, I'll try that. It wasn't permanent marker so here's hoping.

overworkedmom's picture

Mr Clean magic erasers are the best trick ever for things like this!!

PS- I think it sounds like she is feeling pretty guilty. Maybe have her do a couple of extra chores to make up for it.

SugarSpice's picture

good job. that the child does have a working conscience is a good sign. that is a blessing. this is still yet another reason not to loan young children articles of clothing or other important things. they don't respect them or take care of them. she obviously thought the helmet was a gift at some point and forgot it was a loan. children write all over the things they own. i think its a way of marking personal territory.

amber3902's picture

>>Sounds like her guilt is punishment enough. << Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I did tell her the ONLY thing she should be writing/drawing/scribbling on was paper.

And thanks for the reality check. Yeah, the helmet isn't "ruined", but I don't think my SO wants to ride his bike around town with a helmet all marked up with scribbles, not a real manly look, LOL.

sbm014's picture

^^This a lot of times in situations like this letting her deal with guilt is more than enough punishment and reinforcing why its not good is the best.

Especially since you SO said it was okay it would be hard for her at 7 to understand why you are punishing her if she was told the situation was okay especially a week later.

amber3902's picture

Good point that she wouldn't understand why I'm punishing her. I guess I'm just second guessing myself and wondering if I had been too easy on her.

Don't want to be a Disney parent! Wink

amber3902's picture

Yes, he is helping me out a lot. He makes three times what I do. He bought a four bedroom house so me and my girls could live with him.

He pays all the household bills. I buy the groceries and anything me and my girls need. Sometimes he even helps with that. But this was all decided before we moved in together and how he said he wanted things to be be.

I will have a talk with him about the kids, I just want to be sure he feels comfortable speaking up if he has an issue with my girl's behavior. Almost seems like he's the disney parent and I'm the disciplinarian, LOL.

The other day he was telling my D7 not to go in the back yard because he's putting some thing down to kill the fungus in the backyard and says "I'm putting something down in the backyard that's poisonous so you can't go in the backyard, is that okay?"

I told him, "Don't ask her 'is that okay?', you don't have to ask her permission, just tell her not to go in the backyard because you're putting poison on the yard."

Or he'll ask me to tell my daughters something, like he's afraid to direct them himself. I'm like, you can tell them yourself, not to go in the garage because you're working on something, or you want to watch TV in the living room now so they have to go to the FROG and watch TV. Heck, I boot them out of the living room all the time. They're pretty good about doing what they're told to do.

I don't understand, he's a manager at work, so he's used to telling people what to do. I don't understand why he's hesitant to tell my kids what to do, especially when I've told him he can.

Tuff Noogies's picture

here's my two cents - yes i agree, she's punishing herself.

and yes you have told her that she is not to draw on anything but paper.

i would add just one more step- i would decide on a punishment in advance, and at the next time it's appropriate to remind her about drawing, i'd also advise her of what the consequence will be...

amber3902's picture

Yay, another good tip! Thanks! I'll try these things tonight when I get home from work.

amber3902's picture

Thanks for all the tips on removing the marks. I'll defiantly try them.

And yes, I agree D7 does a very good job of punishing herself when she's misbehaved. All I have to do is tell her I'm disappointed in her behavior and she's in tears. Now D15 on the other hand, LOL...

Anyway, does any one think what my SO did buying another bike helmet was a bad idea? I mean, I don't know if telling D7 she could write on that helmet is the message we want to send. Not to mention showing her if she messes something up, someone will just buy a new one.

Drac0's picture

I wouldn't say it is a "bad" idea, but it might send D7 the wrong message.

I'm just spit-balling here - so bear with me - Instead of cleaning it, buy some stickers so that she can personalize her helmet?