How is SD doing? Texts
My DH gets text messages from BM the day of drop-off that says “How is SD doing?” DH use to reply to these until I told him that I didn’t feel it was appropriate and I didn’t care for her texting him with that or that he felt he needed to respond.
I looked at DH phone this morning and see that the “How is SD doing?” texts are happening again along with the response. Yes I know that I shouldn’t have looked at his phone and this has been getting less frequent but I do look occasionally due to my lack of trust with DH and BM’s relationship.
So my question is not toward me looking (this I know is wrong and I need to stop) but I would like to know if anyone else has had to deal with similar messages? How did you feel? Did you talk to DH about it? Did he stop and then start again after knowing how you felt?
I had told him about me seeing it again and his response was: “I told her she was happy so that she doesn’t bring up custody again. I questioned responding to it and I probably shouldn’t have”
Am I out of lines for thinking that those talks don’t need to take place?
I don't know. How old is SD?
I don't know. How old is SD? And I'm confused if DH has custody or BM does? And do the texts appear to veer off the subject of SD?
I got the same shit going on
I got the same shit going on here....
The ex slag would call and he would just hang up whilst I was in the room next to him, then he would sneak downstairs and call her back....I been through the phone and found the same crap...she would call call call, txt txt txt...then eventually he would call her back....
well as far as Im concerned he should be telling her to stop the psycho weirdo frantic attitude....that he is no longer married to her and that both Dh and I find that she is overstepping boundaries.
I said to DH that if that bitch has anything to say or ask you then put your phone on speaker phone so we can both deal with her accusations....now I said that a long time ago and still - Ive not heard one phone call on speaker phone yet...
I get upset that they are carryingon phone calls whilst he is at work...in his lunch hour ...it just shits me....
SD is 9. They have 50/50
SD is 9. They have 50/50 custody. Week with mom and week with dad. The messages only come from her but I find it intrusive. Just wondering if I'm off base or not.
I think that if there were a problem DH could call or text BM and BM doesn't need to call or text to see how SD is doing.
How is it intrusive to ask
How is it intrusive to ask about your child when they are away from you? Concern over one's progeny is appropriate.
I think it can be seen as
I think it can be seen as intrusive....because the SM feels left out of the request for an update....and possibly feels BM is txting her husband just to be spiteful...
I txt my kids once when they were at their fathers to make sure they were ok and I got the short shift...told by the ex to stop calling and txting...your so annoying....
I guess it would be nice if some of these DH's would treat their ex's like my ex treats me....hahahaha...the fn wanker that he is
Why doesn't he just have
Why doesn't he just have daughter call her mom and chat for a bit. He should be ignoring the texts.
^^^^^^ thats it^^^^^^^ AS the
^^^^^^ thats it^^^^^^^
AS the SM....tell your DH to get his BD to make a quick call on daddys phone to the pyshco bitch to let her know your ok...otherwise the pain in the arse will be calling us
There's nothing wrong with a
There's nothing wrong with a parent calling/texting to see how his/her child is doing.
Intact families do this as well. I have plenty of friends who call home to check on their kids when the kids are home with the other spouse.
Unless you have a reason not to trust your husband, I say let it go.
I'm on the fence. It's not
I'm on the fence. It's not like SD is a pre-schooler or younger, where she can't really talk yet. My ex and I talk routinely about our 10 year old son, but we get along very well and don't intrude on each other's lives in other ways. I think it's normal to exchange information and on the surface it sounds healthy that BM is only texting on the last day, as opposed to personally calling all throughout the week. But if BM is intrusive in other ways or accusatory or doesn't trust bio-dad or any other issue, then it's not healthy.
It's not ok for your husband to lie to you, though, even if he thinks you're off base. He could handle it better than that.
These messages are sent
These messages are sent within an hour of SD being dropped off or picked up. We have had boundary issues with BM and this in my opionion is just a small area that seems on the surface not a big deal but then is pushed and pushed until too late.
I do understand wanting to know how your child is doing but does that mean you ask that soon of her not being with you? Give it a day or at least longer than 25 min.
I'm more upset that I have requested DH to not respond to these on multiple other occasions and he is still. Just makes me wonder what else are you talking about that I have specifically asked not to be shared with BM.
Does this clear it up. I'm not upset that she asked I'm upset that he responded when I have clearly asked him not to multiple times. It is hurtful that he does not seem to care about how I feel with their relationship. It should be a business partnership not a weird extra husband relationship which is how she has treated it in the past.
Hey....I know where you are
Hey....I know where you are coming from....Its OK...
This site has been set up to deal with the horrors of BM's skids etc....some shouldnt be so judgemental about the person asking advice....
I sometimes wonder if they aint my BM creeping on me....
Wouldnt suprise me...
Ok, I'm new and still trying
Ok, I'm new and still trying to learn who everyone is, much less back stories. I understand your being upset that he is not dealing with her the way you asked.
Maybe ask in a different way? I have found that when I go to my husband and ask in a way that makes him feel like he is protecting me, he is more likely to respond in a positive manner.
Still, I think that parents should be able to call or text to check on their kids at any given time. That being said, he shouldn't have to respond. He should be able to hand the phone to the child and say, call your mom, she is thinking of you.
In the past, we have had some issues with SS coming home with a bit of an attitude, and did (for a short time) institute attitude checks with a text when he was going either way. However, it didn't really work because he can be one way with one side of the family, yet totally different when he arrives with the other side of his family. BUT, maybe that is what BM is doing? Checking to see what kind of mood SD is in? Not defending, but sometimes it is easier to manage emotions if there is another way to look at things.
Ah, the way I read it, she
Ah, the way I read it, she was texting on the last day of the visit before she picked SD up.
I see the difference.
I also see the problem with the "weird extra husband relationship". But the problem is DH, as much as BM, for letting it happen. I'd carefully plan out what I wanted to say for a calm, rational discussion.
I don't see a problem with BM
I don't see a problem with BM asking how her daughter is and DH responding to her.
I DO see a problem with:
you going through his phone
you telling him he shouldn't tell respond to his ex.
WHY does this bother you????
Just because we request our
Just because we request our SO's do something, doesn't mean they have to. He may very well understand how you feel about the issue, but not agree with you.
Hiding the fact that he is responding to her, may be his way of avoiding a fight with you about it.
How about suggesting SD call or text mom a few hours after pick up?
I didn't read all the replies
I didn't read all the replies but the first thing I have to say is that I do not think it wrong at all to look at your dh's phone. My dh and I look at each others phones all the time not so much be/c we don't trust each other but b/c we both have a tendacy to forget to tell each other things like my mom called or ss called or texted. We will say hey did so no call or text and then we will be oh yeah i meant to tell you we are invited here. We are just busy and forget is all. If I don't agree with an answer or response he gave bm then we talk about it and compromise most of the time.
I agree as well that dh needs to let bm know that the kids are ok and this is the time you can talk to them according to the papers if she keeps sending text after text saying how is sd. That gets annoying but ignore after you have made it clear she has x time to talk to sd.
By the way, I go through SO's
By the way, I go through SO's phone too. I'd rather be a little sneaky, than caught off guard or look like an idiot for something.
And no, he shouldn't respond to his ex. There is no emergency. Skid can call her to check in.
You have every right to go
You have every right to go through his phone-- dont feel guilty about that! And it shouldn't bother him as long as he has nothing to hide. As for your request for him not to text her.. You and him are in a relationship, that's requires care and compromise. He needs to hear you out and respect yor wishes unless they are ridiculous. That is not ridiculous... His time with the child is that- his time. BM needs to give it up. Maybe he needs to text her and let her know that he won't be answering her texts anymore, but if there's a prob he will let her know. These BMs have these men's balls in their grasp. It's sick. The BM in our sit doesn't have any control like that. As a matter of fact my DH hasn't spoken to her on the phone or texted her for over 4 yrs. There's no need for it. Your DH needs to put your family first.