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How much is TOO much time spent w/ boyfriend at 14??

hbell0428's picture

Okay so SD14 has found yet "another" love...gag!! Anyway; this past three day weekend she spent time with him one day at an amusement park, the next at the beach and mall and the last day at our home......taking walks and cuddling under the blanket on our couch!!!!!! I kept my mouth shut........I talked with SD Best friend; and her along w/ others are sick of being pushed aside for yet another boy. She brought him everywhere this weekend with all the girls. So my question is how much is too much??

Jsmom's picture

JMHO - But, 14 is too young for any of this. They should wait until they are mature enough to handle what comes of dating. I waited until 16 and I have made my son wait. SD15 couldn't wait and that is part of the reason she wanted to live with BM.

Stop it now and you may have a chance with this kid. If not, she will be promiscous and as the adults in her life, you are responsible for who she becomes. As SM you don't have much say but you do have influence on your husband. Use it and stop this now.

uncommon's picture

I am inclined to agree. At 14 *any* time spent with a boyfriend was too much as I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 and I think that was perfectly reasonable.

uncommon's picture

Also this. I know what *I* was doing under a blanket with a boy when I was a teenager and it wasn't anything my parents would have found acceptable. Nip this in the bud now.

stormabruin's picture

I agree with the others. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, & even then I wasn't allowed to lay on the couch, the floor or anything else with a guy. We didn't lay under blankets or sit/lay in laps. I wasn't allowed to take them in my bedroom or behind closed doors, & they weren't allowed to come over if an adult wasn't home. We stayed in the living room, kitchen...common areas of the house, where anyone could happen upon us at any given time.

That was at 16. Extreme? It seemed like it to me at 16 years old. At 36 years old with stepkids that age...just cautious.

In my opinion, at 14 years old, the fact that your DH is allowing it to happen with nothing being said (from what I gather) is disheartening & scary. You & him will be the ones raising his child's child while she finishes growing up.

hbell0428's picture

thank you and I agree with ALL of you..........a few months ago we found that she has had "relations" with 2 boys already. You would think he would want to protect his daughter but he is taking this lightly; I am suprised at the stuff he allows. I have told him that I am backing off with things that involve her; I am trying - I just don't think they should be "dating" like this.........pathetic!!

stormabruin's picture

If he chooses to ignore it, he is supporting it. I don't know that there's a lot you can do to make it stop.

I suppose the best way you can look at it is when she's knocked up HE can haul her to her doctor appointments & pay her co-pays. HE can rub her weary feet & when the baby comes HE can be the one to raise his child's child because his child will be off snuggling under the covers with another daddy-to-be.

HE can be the one to drop the baby off & pick the baby up from daycare. HE can pay the daycare fees & tend to it from the time he gets off work until the baby decides to go to sleep. HE can be the one to get up with it for the midnight feedings while you enjoy the comfort of your bed & pillow.

I don't mean to be rude, but to think that a parent...especially a father, would allow his daughter to behave in such a way & have no issue with it is really very sad. HE should be teaching her to respect her body & HE should be teaching her to expect other people to respect her body. If her own father isn't going to, who will???

hbell0428's picture

I agree w/ you. I will say DH was a "pig" in school; we have known each other since grade school. and he treated girls bad!! You think he would want more from his daughter; but it's almost like he's rooting her on?????????? Like she is a guy; she's already been called names.......and her friends are sick of it.

I am really dumfounded

stormabruin's picture

I agree that there's no way to guarantee it won't happen. However, her father is making NO effort to guide her in her choices. Not to mention, if they don't allow her to date until she's 16, that's at least 2 more years without the chance of it happening.

gstaff92481's picture

IMO - if DH wasn't doing anything about SD having "relations" with boys then I would step in.

I'm a very hands on SM and get involved in the skids lives.

I would take SD to planned parenthood or my OBGYN and get her put on birth control. Then I would take her to the store and buy a box of condoms. Give her a few out of the pack to keep in her purse/wallet.

Some may say that this would be provoking the situation but since SMs dont necessarily have the last word when it comes to discipline with the skids then we have to take another approach. This is a way to help protect your home from an unplanned baby!!!!

She's done it and is going to do it unless DH puts more restrictions upon her interactions with boys.

While your out with her, also advise her that you do NOT condone this and it is not what should be done with a 14 yr old but if she is going to make irresponsible choices when it comes to sex and boys then it is your job to make sure she is protected properly.

Personally I have SD12...she's had "boyfriends" and her BM allows for them to come over...I do not, and she is aware and okay with that. They can talk on the phone and text. I'll even take her to the mall to meet these boys and hang out for an hour or two, but that is it.

I agree with most of the women above that 16 is a respectable age to begin dating...DH and I are sticking to that...until then they can hang at the mall with SM and DH lurking around }:)

hbell0428's picture

Her BM has given her the "stuff". I don't really do much with SD, she's caused a lot of problems in our family and even with my friends. I co-exist with her! and that's it!! I would step in but daddy is there to save the day; it's not worth my time, I have my own kids - who WANT me around.

I just can't believe the things DH allows to go on!!

gstaff92481's picture

Sounds like a frustrating situation.

I'm just wondering how you even exist in a situation like that. DH ignoring the fact that his daughter is on the fast track to slut. Doesn't sound like your and DH's relationship is exactly on great tearms.

hbell0428's picture

They are "fake". she gets good grades and that's good enough for him!! He ignores the fact of her being a liar and soon to be known slut. I think he is making attemts but I just don't think he wants to put forth the effort with follow through.
He knows how I feel about it and sometimes he takes it into consideration; but deep down I know it hurts hime that I just really don't want to have a relationship with her. She's a lot of trouble and everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie!

im_trying_my_best's picture

you have your own kids in that house too? so they too see them cuddling under the blanket? what the heck? i first posted and blamed al lthis on the BM but that is YOUR HOUSE! and you are allowing that? ummm...dont blame it on ur hubby cuz unless he is a control freak with the house and all then you have a duty to step in to that situation! your other kids are going to see that and think that is what they will get to do when they get older. oh and also, if you think you have it bad with dh babying her now, wait till she is knocked up and see how much attention/special treatment she gets. and have fun paying support for another 6 years AND supporting a grandkid. you say you have disengaged but yet you posted this, so i know it bothers you and you want to fix it. she will thank you at some point in life for being the ONLY adult in her life that cared enough to stop her from getting pregnant or getting an std she can live with the rest of her freakin life. i honestly just cant believe you let that go on in ur house. im sorry, not tring to be rude, but come on! she is 14 and under a blanket LAYING down with a boy? what the crap!

roseslady2's picture

I have a SS15 that has a gf. They are not allowed any time under any blanket and I am the one that enforces that. I've had discussions with him about how I am chosing to trust him with certain things that I don't think he's ready for. I've also made it clear that if at any time he crosses that trust, I will go into lock down mode and he will probably no longer have a gf because she'll get tired of waiting to see him and having to sit in the kitchen while I make dinner. My DH has gotten very good lately at trusting my call when it comes to the kids, so I get what I want in the parenting department and BM is pretty much on board too because I come from a family with no teen pregnancies and neither of them have that. Blum 3

hismineandours's picture

My dd is 13 and loves boys. However I dont allow boyfriends over-she can see them at school events, in public places in our community, etc-that's enough in my opinion-I know however, that there are quite a few girls in her class that have their boyfriends over or go to their houses. In fact her last "serious" boyfriend broke up with her because I did not allow any of that stuff.

im_trying_my_best's picture

well since you asked the ? here is my personal opinion. at only 14 years old she is WAY TOO YOUNG to date, but to the point that she is allowed to go ALONE places with him is beyond my comprehension. Im not saying its your fault, maybe her mom is letting her do this behavior but the fact of the matter is that if someone doesnt PARENT this girl and set some freakin guidelines and boundaries for her behaviour then she is going to end up being a parent herself. kids, especailly teenagers NEED boundaries, thats why we are the parents and they are the kids. at what point did someone decide it was okay for a young girl, i mean that is YOUNG she JUST became a teenage a year before that, to be alone with a boy, and by your post im guessing this isnt the first boy. the parent letting her do this is in NO WAY, shape or form doing anything good for her or her reputaton and future. i would try to talk some sense into the bm about her allwing her child to do these things. at 14 she needs to be focused on school and friendships, not boys. thats IMO obviously