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How many women would be ok with this type of behavior from your bf/husband?

how2step's picture

Say your bf/husband has children with his ex. When picking up/dropping off his kids he always goes into her house and hangs out for 15 minutes. At kids events they sit together, laugh together and joke together with one another including about how obnoxious his parents are. If his ex wife needs something picked up at the store he will run and get it for her and drop it off at her house even though she is plenty capable of doing so. Would you be ok with this type of behavior if you were in a relaitonship with this man?

GrabitAndGo's picture

That type of behavior needed to stop the second he got seriously involved with someone else.  If he wants to continue being so cozy with his ex he needs to stay single, and not drag anyone else into his boundary-less abyss.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Whether it is right or wrong, I would never accept this. I get that there are a group of men who tend to go this route thinking it's best for the kids to see them working together but it is also very confusing. If the child/children see this then they will wonder why mom and dad are no longer together. If the man or woman have new partners this really needs to end. The one time my DH helped his ex, with my blessing was when they lost power due to a down power line and couldn't leave their deadend street he brought them over wood so they could make a fire in her fireplace, because his daughter was ALSO in the home.

I think boundries sometimes take a bit of time to work themselves out after a divorce but one or both of them need to be setting those boundries. The Boyfriend/DH needs to reconize that a) they are no longer in a relationship and I could care less if they had sex and produced a child, they are no longer together and b) that this isn't really healthy.

flmomma08's picture

Absolutely not. It's disrespectful to their current partners and confusing to the kids.

ndc's picture

My DH was like this with BM when I first met him.  Their relationship is still amicable, but with boundaries now, because I told him to knock it off if he wanted to be with me.  I would not tolerate that.

futurobrillante99's picture

I wouldn't put up with it. They are too FAMILIAR and playing at happy family.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

No, I would not.

Men can be possessive, but females tend to be territorial and there's no way I'd put up with a man who blurred boundaries like that.

BM is still getting the perks of being your SO's wife without having to live with him. What are you getting? And why did they bother divorcing if he's still her bi!ch buddy?

StrawberryPie's picture

There is no point in being divorced and dating someone if you are to act like you are still married.  Pick on.  Be divorced or be married.  Tell him to give you a call when he is emotionally ready to be divorced.  Until then, fully enjoy everything single life has to offer!

lieutenant_dad's picture

When it comes to personal interactions, my line gets drawn when polite becomes chummy and/or needy and/or a cash grab. I don't care if DH goes inside BM's house, or if they sit together, or even if they small talk. I think the ability to show "professional courtesy" is good for the kids. I even think exes can be friends under very specific circumstances.

When it comes to buying things...it would have to be a VERY rare and specific circumstance that is focused solely on the kid. Example: if DH were picking up OSS and YSS was too sick for visitation (like flu-levels of sick), and BM asked him to pick up a prescription for YSS, I'd be okay with that. But just grabbing a gallon of milk? Yeah, get it yourself BM.

Ultimately, though, all of this is very nuanced and dependent upon how the BPs interact with one another and with the SPs. If the BPs get along and respect boundaries when they are in place, and show respect to the SPs and demand their kids respect the SPs, I'd be far more lenient with boundaries. But when any part of that is toxic? I'm going to want that circle of influence to be small, tight, and heavily guarded. 

caitlinj's picture

Yeah this would be a no no for me. There needs to be better boundaries. They are emotionally involved still with one another. This is also confusing to their kids and not beneficial to them either unless they are getting back together. 

Cbarton12's picture

I would not accept this.

They are no longer together so why does he need to pick up things from the store for her or hang out with her? 

I am all for positive coparenting relationships but this seems excessive. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Hell to the no I would not be okay with that at all! I would either make the DuH cease and desist or simply run for the fucking hills!

Monkeysee's picture

Nope, no chance. I know this kind of behaviour is applauded on social media, ‘look at how adult we are, putting the kids FIRST!’, but in real life boundaries are important. If DH wanted to be buddy buddy with BM & run her errands/spend time visiting in her house, he could do so without me. 

MurphysLaw's picture

LOL 

And they still have sex on occasion no doubt.

They should have stayed married/together instead of involving other innocent victims into their seemingly “healthy co-parenting lifestyle”.

Types like this are sicker than all out High conflict folks.

SM12's picture

my XH and I were like that when we split.  For years we would chat about our DS and our lives.  There was never anything physical or sexual going on.  That ended when he got a serious gf.   I always suspected she felt it was not ok.  I understood her feelings.  Truth is, I really liked her and would have enjoyed her coming along for pick up and drop off.   

Now, on the other side I do get angry with DH when he goes in to BMs when picking up YSS.  Not because I feel there is anything inappropriate going on but because I don’t trust BM.  They are always playing fake nice to get what they want and then turn around and bite DH a second later.  I’ve told him to stop being so trusting and niave when it comes to BM.  He has finally caught on but still needs reminded from time to time.

markwvualum's picture

This is not ok. If your husband wants to hang out with his ex and do these types of things for her that is fine. But he should stay single and do so without involving you, or anyone else, in his life, period.  This sounds like an emotional affair and it needs to stop.

strugglingSM's picture

When I first met my DH, BM would call him daily...to talk about herself, not the kids. I pointed out to him that his relationship with her was not all that much different from when they were married. She still wanted to use him for emotional support and she still wanted to control his life. BM was remarried by the time I met DH, so it's not as if she should have needed to use DH for emotional support. She also regularly told DH about how miserable she was when they were married and how terrible a person he was, but by all means, DH, continue to take her calls. 

I told DH that I was not interested in being in a relationship with someone who was still in a relationship with his ex wife. 

That said, I think society has decided that exes being friends is "what's best for the children", so often people strive for that. These people typically don't understand what healthy emotional boundaries are and why it is important to have them in relationships. 

DH and I are currently going through some sh&t with his family because they believe that it is wrong for him not to be besties with his ex. Granted, his family has no understanding of emotional boundaries. The only way they know how to set boundaries is through avoidance and they are all masters of using the lack of boundaries to their advantage when it suits and complaining when it doesn't suit them. It's been a hard road to help DH understand that boundaries are good and if you're an adult, other adults should not be controlling your life or using guilt or shame to get desired behaviors from you. 

All that is a very long-winded way of saying that I wouldn't be okay with this behavior, but society is sending strong signals that this behavior is not only preferred, it's the ideal post-divorce state. What I don't understand is why people who can be besties after their marriage ends got divorced in the first place. If you like one another that much that you can vacation and spend holidays together, well, that's more than a lot of married people have, so why did you feel the need to get divorced? 

Siemprematahari's picture

Would you be ok with this type of behavior if you were in a relaitonship with this man?

Yeah I wish a MF would............for him to even think he could............I'd have his @ss!

NoThanks's picture

Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me dawg. This is called having shitty boundaries and nothing good will come of it. I’m down for being cordial in order to co-parent efficiently. But the second somebody is performing a task that is typically delegated to a spouse (home maintenance, errands, paying outside of CS) it’s sketchy territory. Either both are still emotionally attached or one still is, and the other is taking advantage of them. Been there, done that. My ex tried to disguise it as just doing whats good for the kids. His ex wife was a high-fuctioning, 6-figure earner AND was remarried. He just didn’t see that he was the bitch boy being taken advantage of and she and her husband were probably laughing behind his back. He always acted shocked when she’d treat him like shit too. Seriously dude? You don’t see the big picture?

Ugh, good riddance...

ladybug3's picture

My DH kind of acted that way with his ex when they first broke up. She's completely nuts and he was afraid he would take his son away since they didn't have a CO. My DH was also a serious push-over before I met him. He would bend over backward for anyone and not cause a problem if they didn't hold up their end of the deal. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell him, "No, honey, you can't go fix your friend's car, because they aren't your friend. You remember the last time you spent four hours working on it and they said they would pay you $20? Did they pay you the $20? Didn't think so." 

BM knew that about DH, so she would call up all the time begging for his help and he couldn't say no. I put a stop to that so fast you have no idea. BM went from "Poor me, I need help" to "F-ck you" as soon as DH started telling her no. 

Maria10's picture

She  could also be doing the guiltrip on him so he is "playing nice" but just bc he thinks it will be a lot worse if he does not. 

Have you tried to have a mantalk with the ex? 

TBH she sounds like a piece of work. No Ido not condone my DH doing any of that stuff that's what their husbands+CS are for. We do things for the kids at our house. She calls him to pick up groceries...seriously?

daphne_40x's picture

Especially seeing as I broke up with my last bf because he forgot my birthday yet had time to help his ex put together furniture and take the kids every weekend because she was brow beating him. 

To repeat another poster, I don’t need someone who is still in a relationship with his ex. If the chord isn’t cut, it won’t work out. 

elkclan's picture

When my ex is in a good mood, I will sometimes stay and chat. He is pretty variable in mood. He's been ok lately. The last time I sat in his flat and chatted, my partner was with me. 

My ex was an abusive asshole. I hate him, but I don't want to be daggers drawn with him all the time. And as dickish as he has been, he's actually been really accepting of my partner. Surprisingly so. I will do favours for him if I want to. For example, I bought a chest of drawers for my son's room at his because I LIKE going 2nd hand furniture shopping. My SO and I delivered it to my ex's place. Also I didn't want to give him back the chest of drawers that was actually in his family that I like better. Smile

I don't care if my SO is chatty with his ex. She's crazy. Sometimes she will be chatty and sometimes she won't even make eye contact with him. As long as it doesn't inconvenience me, it's all good. 

 

1wonder woman's picture

Heck NO! Been there done that....NOT FUN!.. and I put a stop to it right away! Four years ago when I first started to date my boyfriend he was newly divorced. His ex-wife use to text him several times per day and she use to call him daily non stop. His ex wife ordered him around as if they were still married. Heck he even still had a door key to the house his ex-wife was living in the home they use to live in together. When he would go to pick his kid up he'd just walk right into his exwifes house as if he lived there and he'd be in the house a good 15 minutes or more while I sat there in the car. Shoot she even wanted him to spend the night with her and the kids on Christmas Eve so he could be there on Christmas morning. Grrrr...that did not happen because I put my foot down... I told him "NO you two need to set some boundaries you two are divorced so now act like it... stop giving your kids mixed messages....ENOUGH!! you no longer should be playing that husband role for her anymore.... so when she asks you to help her fix something you tell her NO..those are the benefits she use to get being married to you... you making her happy should not be your top priority no my happiness should be your top priority"  I also told him... Thank God he listened to me... no more non stop texting or phone calls... no more going into his ex-wifes house... no more him getting out of the car to pick his kid up... instead he will honk the horn the kid comes out to the car.... Sure his ex-wife is pissed... but I am happier and that's because my boyfriend set boundaries and now he tells his ex wife NO all the time. In the beginning he had a very hard time telling his ex wife NO! He has came a long way!!  

Rags's picture

This is a smell test issue. If it does not pass your smell test then it is inappropriate. 

If he wants to play giggle fest  and errand footsies with BM he should be with BM.