How many of us on here are step-parents to kids that have lost a parent???
I not only married a widower with two kids...but I am a widow with two kids.
So have seen both sides of this particular story.
And...
It seems to me as if those of us who are with a partner who have been widowed have slightly different problems.
First of all...it's difficult if not impossible to b*tch about the other parent when they've died...even when they deserve it.
'Cause no one wants to hear it...and it makes you look like the world's most uncaring person ever. (As I said...even if they deserve it!)
Everyone around kids who have lost a parent...seems to think that this automatically gives the kid the freedom to do (or not to do) anything they want, for the rest of their lives, because of the "grief" and the "loss".
Then there is the problem that the kids never "go home".
There is no time off.
There is no recovery time.
If you think kids with a living bio-mother think she can do no wrong...
Then you should only live with the sainted image of a dead bio-mom for a day.
No matter how bad or good she actually was...the sun will shine out of her a*s for the rest of eternity!
Now...
The reason I started this was because I have done a lot of reading about this disengaging thing...and it seems to be a possible solution to my current problems.
However...I'm not sure how this is supposed to work for someone like me...who has the kid 24/7???
There is no "real" mom onto whom I can shovel all the mom-type responsibilities while I disengage.
I'm not just talking about just discipline here...but real topics. Like for instance...parental talks. Like...sex, drugs, and periods...or things more existential like...honour, truth, and ethics. (Yes…I know she has a bio-dad, and he’s great…but would you wanna talk to your dad about your period???)
Not certain how I just shut off the need to parent a child who so obviously requires it. (Even if she does everything but verbally say she doesn’t want me to!)
Then there are the practical things like, the purchasing of her personal products like shampoo or clothes or school things.
Without a bio-mother in the background, how do I disengage from all of this?
There is no way I can keep providing the material things, and the food, and the rides, and the friends over...but not be able to have a say over what is expected of her behavior, her grades, her attitude or her consequences.
Any advice offered here would be much appreciated!
Thanks.
I am not a SP to a child that
I am not a SP to a child that lost a Bio but a BM whose children lost their BF. Either way as you know it is a tough place to be. My kids and I are very mindfull of when we discuss their father in front of my DH. And I do understand how the children begin to only see the good instead of the bad that lived in the other parent. My EX was horribly mentally ill, multiple personality disorder. There were many times that he did some pretty horrible things to the kids and I through the years. They remember that, however to gain peace of his lose we have choosen to but those things in a box and leave them there. I speak to the kids about the good memories and how deep down there was a good soul inside of him. The reason that I am saying this is I have an idea for common ground for you and your Skids. Even though it sounds as if their BM was not a good person see if they will sit with you and talk about something that was a good quality in her. If you can honestly agree do so. If not just simply say I can see why you would see that in her. You will not be lieing as you know their minds are skewed with unrealistic memories. Maybe they will be open....maybe they wont and will need some sort of therapy to put this all in perspective. However they do need to understand that they are blessed because they have you and treat you as such.
With the disengaging... that sounds like it really needs to be something that your DH understanding you are having to do because he is not stepping up to the plate. He needs to understand that if they are going to treat you in an ill manner that he will have to take over and do all the things that you are currently doing.
Many parents as you said give their kis a free ride to be little stinkers or big one....smiling...because they have lost a parent. The bigger responsibility is to still set out well behaved, respectfull children into this world. I am sorry but when they get a job and are adults their boss is not going to put up with giving them a free ride because they have suffered this lose. If they are always left to play the martyr due to this it will touch their relationships with others as adults as well. He knows you know how this feels because you are also a widow so he cant use the excuse "you dont know how this feels"
I am sorry if I have rambled but I hope some where in this something works for you.