You are here

How many days away from school is excessive?

SAHsigh's picture

SS/SD5 have missed 12 days of school already: 1 from illness, 3 from a trip to see family around Christmas, and 8 to see BM's family after her mom died. BM wants to take twins out of town and they'll miss 4 more days of school. She's already bought the plane tickets. She had a baby just before Christmas and wants to travel back to her home with all the kids for a visit. My partner is worried that the kids are out of school too much but BM is already bulldozing his concerns with "they got to see your family at Christmas and I didn't complain about the 3 days they lost for that trip!" and "I'm not missing out on hundreds of dollars in plane tickets!"

I can't recall missing more than 4 or 5 days of school throughout the school year when I was younger... Maybe a few extra if I was really sick or for a family trip but that was pretty rare -- my parents were all very oriented around school and work as priorities. So I'm wondering, is missing 16 days of school by February excessive for kindergarteners?

SAHsigh's picture

Academically they're okay. The biggest concern is in regards to SS. His behavior hasn't been very good. He's disruptive, easily distracted... He's not awful but he's certainly not doing well. We've noticed his work is getting sloppier, too. He does better with consistency but when his schooling is interrupted he resets. BM will even send him to school with toys that keep getting him in trouble for distractions.

I can see this all being a bigger deal if they were older but, yea, it seems like it sets a bad precedent.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I agree. We have the same issue here. BM routinely keeps her kids out of school if she can't get out of bed or there's even a dusting of snow. SS14 has 9 absences so far this year, and Faux has 13. And the year's only half over. The school district supposedly allows 15 per year before "taking action," but they've never taken action.

Missing for a good reason is one thing, but it shouldn't be because BM is lazy.

Calypso1977's picture

they are 5. i assume its kindergarten. i dont think this is an issue. if they were older and had lectures, homework, etc. different story.

Jsmom's picture

Kindergarten is not critical...By the 2nd and 3rd grade, it is an issue...There are a lot of important things that get covered quickly. Telling time and some of the times tables and writing. All critical.

I moved a lot in third grade and it created some problems that followed me into HS.

Kindergarten is not a problem. We pulled my son out a lot to travel with his dad. His dad passed away when he was in the first grade and there were no problems for it. I wanted him to spend as much time as he could with him. BS is now in college and doing great. No major harm.

alexsee's picture

I would disagree. I'm student teaching in a kindergarten classroom right now, and its very evident the kids that miss a lot of school and the kids that have good attendance. 12 days is excessive, in my opinion. In my state, if a child misses more than 10 days in a school year the parents can be reported to the district and a truancy investigation might occur. That's not to say that there aren't legitimate reasons to keep your kids home, or that them missing a day of school here or there for trips is going to cause major issues. But those things should be really closely considered. Kindergarten isn't just finger painting and nap time anymore, they have lots of things that they need to learn and understand to be ready to move on to first grade.

Journey1982's picture

I agree with you alexsee. In my district, kindergarten is no longer play time. It’s not just a place where children learn social skills, learn to sit still, be quiet and how to follow directions. Kids are learning that in pre-k. Kindergarten teachers have to prepare these kids for first grade – my kids had homework in kindergarten. Also, my school district would not give a parent school work in advance so it could be done while they were on vacation because its considered an unexcused absence. Where I live its serious business. My district is very strict with missed days, even in kindergarten. Doesn’t matter if they were sick or not. When your child misses 4 days in a marking period a letter is automatically sent to the parents warning them that they have missed too many days and if any more days are missed the school district will take court action.

Orange County Ca's picture

Illness was the only excuse for me or my kids to miss school and it was never an issue with my ex. I'm amazed that anyone would pull a kid out of school for anything short of illness with few exceptions. Perhaps a death, a serious illness hospital visit some distance away.

Kindergarten is pretty early and it would not worry me as much but its still a place where children learn social skills for their age level, how to follow directions. How to sit still and be quiet and I think we all agree that they need plenty of practice.

If I were your husband I'd take the opportunity, while they're away, to visit the principal and ask him up front if Daddy should be concerned. He can establish that he is in fact the father for future visits or calls instead of trying to do it over the phone at some future date. Then he can make sure the absences are not covered by "the kid is sick" excuses from the mother. If they are excessive then the father and the principal can discuss what is to be done.

ocs's picture

agree with lady face completely. It sets a bad precedent and the kids get this sense that missing school is ok.

BM moved last year June 1st. School finished June 20 something. She kept SD out for the remainder of the school year and just let her start in September. MOTY.

I was so shocked when I found out, when I asked SD what she'd been up to? Cruising the mall with her batshit mother. Apparently, it was two buses to get SD to school and she couldn't be bothered. DH didn't find out until too late.

overworkedmom's picture

Talk to the principal of the school. He/She will determine if they can miss it or not. Many school districts have set amount of days a child can miss regardless of how well they are doing. If the principal is ok with it, let it go, it's kindergarten. If she is not, don't let them. There is no reason for them to fail kindergarten just b/c BM wants to go somewhere.

mannin's picture

It's excessive.

Even in kindergarten, my SS's school takes attendance seriously. Education should be taken seriously no matter the grade. And, if you do take a kid out for a period of time, getting school work to do while gone is important too as a previous poster stated.

sbm014's picture

It seems excessive to me. Honestly dad needs to talk to the school, he also needs to get a record of all the days so he can be ready to state which ones are his and which are BM's fault.

Last year in Pre-K my SS had so many tardies and absenses because of BM, DH had to step in with the school. This year BM and SS did good until around Christmas when he missed a bunch of days due to "illness" mind you one was the play that DH had said I might attend but ended up not attending due to work related issues. After this I think last week was the first week he went to a full week since before break - mind you BM will keep him home without a note, or she will take him to the Dr who used to just fax notes without seeing SS - DH threatened to call the Medical Board on him so now he request to see SS but still writes bogus notes...for example we got told SS had a sore throat mind you this is what SS told DH, DH was in the next town over (where his doctor is) and asked BM if he could see SS real quick while they were waiting on BM to get a prescription (for herself) and DH asked what the doctor said and BM told him he wrote a note for a severe stomach bug -- like WTH. SS has also skipped school for SS refusing to put on his shoes, and BM telling him it's okay they can stay home.

My DH has had to tell SS if he feels sick he needs to go to the nurse and then he can go home/to the doctor - if DH feels any of his days missed are suspicious he will be losing privileges at our house. I hate this as BM is allowing it but SS comes up with excuses like the shoe thing because last year BM told him that she couldn't find his boots and it was cold out so he didn't have to go. Yes these kids are young, but habits start young.

kellyyy's picture

10 days a semester is grounds for truancy action. They will have to make up hours for anything over that because they can't pass without meeting the 90% attendance standard. At least that is the law in my state. 3 tardies = 1 absence.

BethAnne's picture

I worry about this too, we've had at least one known incidence of child being "too tired" for school from BM this year. At least one week missed because BM moved house. And numerous absences due to various illnesses....some more severe than others. Usually my H agrees with me that it isn't acceptable but he has also actively colluded with her so that a day was missed when the child wanted to spend the day with a visiting relative (she doesn't see the relative much). But I was still annoyed about it. My H doesn't seem to think it matters much in the early years. I keep trying to point out that it sets a bad example. I didn't miss school as a kid unless I was physically vomiting or in bed with a fever.

I am trying to train myself not to care about it, not my child, not my problem if she ends up with no work ethic and dumb because she misses so much school (until we end up supporting a layabout adult). I am still a long way from the zen like state I need to get over this, I had better keep working on it!

jumanji's picture

In K? I wouldn't sweat it, to be honest. Especially since Dad has taken them out for vacation time, too. The principal will likely tell them both that it is not encouraged, but that is her job.

When I was young, my parents took us out of school for 3 weeks (7th & 9th grades) to join on a business trip to Europe. It didn't affect either of us academically. I've taken my kids out of school for various trips - some a day or so, some longer - my youngest missed the last week of her freshman year - including finals) to go to Russia with me. She still got into college. They are allowed to miss 10 days per term, and we came close to that each term, one way or another. Their Dad also took them out for various trips. (*)

I know lots of kids who are routinely pulled out in the younger grades for a week to go to Disney, etc. off-peak. It's not encouraged, but family time is often just as - if sometimes not more - important than school. An involved and invested parent can easily make up any deficit.

(*) ETA - I pulled her out for a week combined around TDay and again in February for out-of-state tournaments in her Senior year. Since they resulted in her being scouted & getting college $$$? It was worth the notices I got from the school threatening to report me for truancy (yes, they knew about the trips and their purpose.

Rags's picture

To miss school my brothers and I had to be either in the hospital or dead. 1 day is too many if hospitalization or death is not involved.

IMHO of course.

sbm014's picture

^^This there was several times I missed without being in the hospital however, my mom knew that when my brother and I would wake up and crawl in bed with her in the our teens due to ear infections, or saying our stomach hurt it was something worth letting us stay home for..as for the few times I remember even once we were both curled up and my mom was surprised to find us both still in her bed cringing in pain.

Mind you now both our spouses know that if we say we do not feel well it is something serious. I do not miss work for almost anything, and my brother is now a veternarian who not only has a daytime practice but a 24hr clinic that he runs with his wife and a guy he went to school with.

As for SS supposibly he was sick Tuesday and BM kept him home, DH said he sounded a little off but not much, and then BM kept him home yesterday telling DH he was still sick but we all know that it is probably because DH is picking him up today, and well normally he will miss right before or right after DH comes home/leaves.