You are here

How to learn to like SD

Cinders's picture

So me and OH have been together four years now and lived together just over 3. I met his 3 children the day we moved in together and to be honest i was actually quite scared.

The oldest who at the time was 19 and a boy, the middle one a girl who was aged 13 and the youngest who was 9.

I thought i was going to have problems with the older one's but he helped us move in and we got on well, we don't see much of him as he has a job and girlfriend etc but when we do all is fine, even though he is a little quiet.

The middle daughter was quiet to start and spent most of her time on her laptop not saying much at all and that worried me.

The youngest seemed to love me, getting me to do her hair and make up and chatting all the time.

NOW - its all changed. The BM said she was going to get her children to hate me!

Well they are never naughty or rude etc but the youngest i just can't like.

The oldest girl and i get on really well, so much so it is me that she asked about contraception and asked me to take her to the doctors etc we chat about anything and it's really nice.

The youngest is cold and quiet, she doesn't even say hello when they come in or she is forced to say good bye by her dad when she leaves. She doesn't ever ask me for anything food, drink etc she waits for her dad and asks him and that just makes me made as it's my house also.

She just generally doesn't talk to me! Now i know that this isn't her fault, she is told all sorts of poision by her mother and as far as she is concerned her mum can't do wrong whereas the other two know that me and their mum hate each other and don't take any notice of her when she says stuff.

SO i know its not her fault yet i still struggle to like her and look forward to seeing her, in fact i can't wait for her to go!

PoisonApples's picture

Welcome to the world of stepparenting kids who have been PASed.

There are others here who have been through it longer and to a greater extreme than I have and I'm sure they'll come along to advise you in more depth than I can.

What I can tell you though is that it isn't YOUR fault and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling glad when she's gone.

My skids are still much younger but the effects of the PAS are already showing. I have had to preserve my emotions by detaching a bit and not caring how they treat me. I'm still there and if they are pleasant to me I'll do things with them but I don't go out of my way anymore and I try not to care when they slight me. It's hard, I know but your attitude will be your self-preservation. They are not your children. You are not responsible for the people they become. That has become my mantra and it helps me get through the weekend. It doesn't make me happy but I am less emotionally devastated when I think that way.

oneoffour's picture

I think it is unhealthy to expect your potential stepkids to love you. 'Like' or even 'civil' is about as good as it gets sometimes. You/We are not replacement parents. We are extra adults in their lives and we are sometimes unwanted. Once the food of hatred is served up at the other parents there is not a lot we can do except behave respectfully even if we don't get it back. But we don't budge either.

First, if your SD13 wants to wait and ask her father for something then let her. Wouldn't it be worse if she said to you "Get me some water you b...h"? So she ifgnores you. Isn't this her loss? She misses out having the time her sister had?

She is still young and trying to work out how to have both her parents like her and not retaliate. She is young enough for her mother to manipulate her. And in return if she returns with some tattle tale form your place that her mother would find interesting (like your washing machine flooded your new carpet)or get great pleasure from she looks at her daughter with pride or even rewards her.

Now I know I will never get along with DHs ex. She is someone I wouldn't even be friends with. We are just VERY different. Not socially or economically. We both live in houses, work, pay our bills on time (well I think she does). Same kind of life. But she is as cold as she can be. Tried to freeze DH out of his sons lives and pretty much succeeded with OSS. She has made decisions that make me scratch my head and go WTF?

But she IS their mother and they DO love her. I don't like driving with SS17 right now becasue it becomes True Confessions time. My mind can only handle so much information while I am driving! So we have a close relationship and we HAVe discussed things he wouldn't talk about with his parents. And I too had adults I could turn to for advice or guidance. Because SD doesn't turn to you and confide like her sister is OK as well. Would you like your daughter turning to her SM for advice?

It isn't a popularity contest even though I know I have a better approach to kids than the Ice Maiden/DHs ex. You may have as well. But that doesn't mean they HAVE to like us. At the very least I expect civility and politeness. I expect someone arriving in my house to let me know they are around.

She may get better if you don't pressure her. But then you could always tell DH "Well, off to the mall." and see what happens.

Good luck, it is a thankless job being a SM.