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How involved are you in Skids medical care?

Step-Volgirl's picture

SD has some pretty serious medical issues. Since moving back to our town, I pushed DH to get SD a doctor. He finally got BM to agree to a Dr, but took so long to schedule the apt, that I finally did it for him. DH and I took SD to the Dr. and got a sleep study scheduled. BM took her to the sleep study where SD was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. SD isn't overweight, the issue is her mouth is soo tiny, her airways are blocked when she's laying down. She's having a follow up sleep study and follow up with a Pulmonologist next week with a CPAP. I don't like the idea of BM making all the medical decisions (without DH) or just hoping that she relays ALL the information to us. I just don't want there to be option A or option B and all we hear about is the option BM went with.
Since DH can't get off of work, I'd like to go to the appointment with the Pulmonologist.

SMof2Girls's picture

BM likes to think she can make all the medical decisions without consulting DH. She's done it before. Despite the fact that they have a legally binding custody order stating that all those non-emergency decisions are to be JOINT.

I'd recommend having DH contact the doctor now. Explain the situation and request that no medical treatment plans or decisions be accepted until both parents have been provided all of the information directly. If DH can't attend the appointment, he should schedule time to discuss the appointment with the doctor afterwards, possibly on the phone.

If BM doesn't want you at the appointment, no doctor will force her to allow you to be there. I don't go to appointments or administer medications. That's the parents' job .. and not a limit I care to push.

Lalena75's picture

I've made the majority of decisions but it's because of my medical background and I route it all through SO, who's helped me study so he knows what I'm saying most of the time. BM refuses to let SO have kids insurance info and she doesn't take the kids to a dr at all just the ER, they've never gone to a dentist, both have crooked teeth coming in because of rotted baby teeth that won't fall out, both have been seriously ill and SO had to go to the Er because they'd use the kids insurance on file there, but all treatments or home treatments for everything is asked of by me and if BM has to be informed SO tells her. I've never taken them to a Dr. but I wouldn't go if BM was going to be there, heck she'd just cancel the apt if I was going and go to the ER instead.

christinen's picture

I have nothing to do with SD's medical care whatsoever (by choice). The way I look at it is that she is not my kid and her medical care is not my problem or responsibility. Obviously if she were hurt I would take her to the ER, but when it comes to routine doctor/dentist visits, I have nothing to do with that.

BM doesn't really take SD to the doctor anyway though- she just takes her to the ER when she needs to see a doctor because she has Medicaid and it will cover her entire visit SMH

In your situation, I would let the parents be the parents. It's really not your issue. If your DH has a problem with BM not relaying information to him, he can take that up with BM and/or the doctor. It has nothing to do with you (no offense- I just don't think we should be worrying ourselves over kids that are not even ours!)

Anon2009's picture

I'm pretty involved...then again, DH has custody and and the SDs feel comfortable enough with me for me to help them with their medical issues. Let's face it, it can be tough for a teenaged girl to talk with her dad about certain things. Unfortunately for my SDs, BM has no interest in doing these things with her kids.

fedup13's picture

Same here. He is not my kid, I have no say so in his medical needs, nor do I want any say so.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Same here. Well, I'll give out band aids, lol, but medical decisions? Nope. That's the parents' job. If I were the custodial stepparent and BM wasn't really involved, then I'd be more active, but still follow DH's lead.

tryingmom's picture

DH and I have to deal with the medical decisions made for the Skids. Both have ADHD and are on meds for that. YSS has asthma and it seems that every flare up we have a new medical regime to follow but after about a week SS doesn't do breathing treatments at BM's house. No wonder the kid has flare ups, the preventative stuff isn't being done. We just grin and bear it. BM has also been using Nyquil to get the Skids to go to sleep, not at our house.

jumanji's picture

If Mom objects, the doctor will likely not comply with that waiver.

Personally, I would not be okay with anyone but myself or their Dad make medical decisions for my kids outside of an emergency. Routine medical care? Sorry, but no.

Step-Volgirl's picture

In this case, it's not really "routine" medical care. I'd gladly skip those! My aunt is a doctor (double boarded in peds and internal medicine) and has voiced several concerns. We're not really sure how long SD's been having these episodes - or any damage caused by this.

I'm honestly not sure how BM will react to this. There's only been one other time when I've voiced a suggestion for SD to BM. Back in Dec. SD began having nightmares. When they were still going on in January, BM mentioned that she wanted SD to see a therapist. I gave the name of someone DS has seen. A few weeks later, DH told me that BM "doesn't think it's fair for SD to see someone that I know or someone that she knows."

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

When SD's were young, no I was not involved in their health / medical issues. That is CLEARLY for the bio parents only IMO. One time YSD was admitted to the hospital for an asthma attack or something and DH wanted me to go with him to see her. I did go but felt REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE being there. I did not feel it was my place to even visit when her mom and other family members were there. Did not do that again....