How to have a talk with DH about BM and boundaries
DH and I have together 6 years and until the past couple have had no contact with BM. She and the skids live 4 hours away so we visited over there, brought them to our home for visits, sent money, etc.
That changed a couple of years ago when SD was 18 and physically assaulted her mom and left with her BF (she's 20 now, married and has a baby). At that time BM contacted DH by phone and sent pictures of her bruises and black eye. We went there, found her and took her home to her mom and we all had a sit down. This was my first meeting with BM and I genuinely liked her and felt she was someone I could be friends with. It also seemed like a good start for the bioparents to be ae to communicate about the kids as needed (SD was still in school and just graduated this month).
I was fine with all this until BM shared with DH over the phone that her BF of 10 years cheated on her. DH told me when I asked why he said hebwas sorry to hear that while he was talking to her. For me, that was a red flag #1.
Some others things have happened and it's been pretty obvious I was uncomfortable, such as going to visit the baby and having to do those visits at BMs home because SD didn't have her own place yet. Even since SD and her husband got an apartment, BM still always ends up being around or we end up at her home...not good.
Anyways, when DH asked me about it, I told him I had been uncomfortable since BM overshared...that I didn't feelnit was appropriate. He said it was nothing, she probably just needed a friend, no big deal. I left it alone instead of arguing.
Then, this week we were on a video chat with SD. Her mom was there with her and the baby...I was at home and DH was traveling for work and was in a hotel room. On these calls I have accepted that I will basically be ignored. This time. DH sees BM in the background and said I see someone's hand...Did says "that's mom". Later DH says "That's someone's foot there"....SD again says it her mom. Then later still DH says that's someone's leg....I am fuming! Then they talk about BM'S dad and his poor health, etc and when BM is holding the baby and the camera is now sorely on her, I take my leave....I tell them I'm tired and am going to get ready for bed.
I don't like to admit this, but I feel very jealous, slighted and very hurt by all these acknowledgments of BM and her assorted body parts. Why did he need to keep doing this??? He already knew she was there??? To me it felt like he paid more attention to her and I wasn't even present.
I know I need to have a talk with DH about this and other things, but he has a tendency to get defensive and downplay things like this....I don't want to make it worse and fight, but I think it need to speak up no matter what he says.
How do you bring up and discuss issues?