How to handle CS issues with DH's ex-wife
I am new to this site so I hope I make sense with my CS issue. I have been married to my DH for 2 years, dated 6 years before we married. He has two sons, 17 & 19 years old. My CS issue is with the 19 year old who stop attending college full time three semesters ago. I researched Missouri CS laws and it states that CS continues after the child turns 18 as long as the child enrolls in a college/university or technical school full time or at 9 credit hours. My SS in no longer meeting that criteria. In addition, he had failing grades that placed him on academic probation which suspended his GI Bill entitlements which is another requirement to continue to receive CS. My SS also lives on his own, pays his own rent and in my opinion, is considered self sufficient because he works. I have brought the question up to my DH about requesting to terminate paying child support to the BM because my SS doesn't meet the criteria to receive CS any longer. My DH said that it may upset the BM and that we should just wait is out until he turns 21. I don't think it is fair that my DH continues to pay CS to the 19 year old SS when he is self sufficient. Besides, my SS no longer lives in the same household with the BM, so why is she still entitled to CS for the 19 year old? We are on a tight budget because I had just lost my job so it would make more sense to do this. I don't know how to convince my husband to bring this up to the BM without upsetting her. P.S. she is a controlling BM so it may be quite challenging to get her to agree. She also receives 50% of my husbands retirement pay which she will receive as long as my husband is alive. She is quick to ask for our 50% payment of any outside expenses incurred that is not part of CS but when it is time for us to ask for reimbursement for expenses incurred on our end, it takes her forever to pay us or she usually waits until it's time for us to owe her then she would say, "just take it out of what I owe you". Sorry this is long but just wanted to vent. Any advice would be greatly appreciate.
Thanks, I think he is having
Thanks, I think he is having a difficult time burning bridges between himself and his BS. The BS is very close to the BM. BM has always been a manipulator and has played mind games with the kids for as long as I can remember. I guess he is trying to avoid the drama, that is why is he said that it's best to wait it out till his BS turns 21. By then, it will be too late and that she will reap the benefits when she is really not entitled to it. Makes me wonder what she or my SS is really doing with the money. My husband doesn't seem to be worried about it though.
I think he is just worried
I think he is just worried about drama and burning bridges between him and is BS. BM has always been a manipulator and played mind games with the kids.
If your SS lives on his own,
If your SS lives on his own, why would terminating CS burn bridges with him? He is not in school and he is living on his own- he is emancipated.
Absolutely ridiculous.
BM and SD over here tried to keep it a secret when my SD got married. SD spilled the beans and you better believe we went to CSE with a copy of her marriage certificate (they immediately closed his case), then we filed an affidavit of termination at the courthouse, BM was served and CS was officially terminated by the state. SD never even mentioned it, they both knew BM was no longer entitled to that money.
If something like this causes a rift between your DH and his son, they do not have much of a relationship.
It sounds to me like BM and
It sounds to me like BM and SS have some sort of agreement because SS used to ask my DH for money but stopped when he dropped out of college. Thanks for the advice, I will encourage my DH to request CSE Division to terminate CS once we have all of our evidence gathered.
Annith, I agree with your
Annith, I agree with your comment too. It's a shame that the BM is always interfering and always wanting to be in control of things. My DH just hates drama and she happens to be good at it.
You don't really have to
You don't really have to handle anything. Dad's obligation, Dad's respomsibility to deal with.
Agree with Fieryupgrade!!!
Agree with Fieryupgrade!!! I'd probably make my DH's life a real hell, just so that he cared a little bit more about upsetting me than upsetting poor BM.
Money-wise, it might be a wash for you. BM may be giving your SS the money from CS, which is why he hasn't been asking your DH for money. If you stop the CS, then he may be back to asking your DH for money. So he's not self-sufficient, probably. But I'd still rather have control of that money myself. You and your husband have a right to decide how your money is spent.
Unless your DH is very wealthy and the CS is an unsubstantial amount of money (haha...), this would be hard for me not to insist on. And knowing me and my big mouth, I'd word it something like this: "Why is it more important to you to support BM than it is to take care of your own wife?"
Thanks Fieryupgrade &
Thanks Fieryupgrade & rahrah2019 for the words of encouragement. I think I am going to be losing an uphill battle. I just had another discussion with my DH this evening and it ended up upsetting him. DH thinks I am putting a wedge between him and his BS. I don't know what to think anymore, so I am just going to drop it and stay out of the situation. It upsets me to know that my DH won't stick up for his rights. He is either too nice or naïve to notice that he is being taken advantage of. I understand that he cares for his BS's wellbeing, but when you don't make the grades to qualify to receive GI Bill benefits, fail to stay in college, living independently paying rent and lastly, earning an income, that should give you enough reason to question yourself, "Should I terminate my CS?" Ya!...in my opinion, but my opinion doesn't matter right now.
I had a similar situation
I had a similar situation where my oldest SS reached age 18 and per COURT ORDER my DH's CS was supposed to end, but, out of concern for upsetting BM, my DH agreed informally to pay CS an additional 2 years until SS16 reached 18. It was a VERY bitter pill for me to swallow, as I had counted down and waited over 10 years for the oldest SS to reach 18, thinking we would get a break. I was well aware that BM in our case had severely PAS'd oldest SS and turned him against DH and was absolutely certain she would cause further damage if we didn't keep paying her, so we were held hostage by her, which made me even angrier. However, I simple held my nose and relented for the sake of the relationship. However, I DID promise myself that if DH agreed to keep paying after youngest SS turned 18, it would be ON!
Youngest SS turned 18 this past May, and CS stopped. In the meantime, we have formed a relationship with oldest SS, now 20 and married with 2 kids of his own. We are generous with gifts and money to them, and it is SO REFRESHING for them to know the $ came from US, since BM took credit for everything all those years. It's also so very interesting that, if we decide to give one of the SSs money (which we do out of the goodness of our heart, not just obligation), they seem SO appreciative. We paid BM $1200 a month for years. Now, if we give one of the SSs $250, they are BLOWN AWAY & their jaws drop open! Anyway, I tell you this story because I hated paying more in the meantime, but I feel it has benefitted our relationship overall now and into the future. So, sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.