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How do you handle bills when there’s a big income difference?

flmomma08's picture

My husband makes around 40k and I make around 80k. Mortgage (including prop taxes) is $1500. Daycare is $500 (this number is going to double soon since I’m expecting our second baby in October). Car insurance for both of us is $175. Then we have normal utility bills - electric, gas, water, internet, Netflix... we have our own car payments and cell phone bills which we handle separately.

I also have around $500/month student loans which I handle on my own but feel like need to be considered if we are going to consider my higher income. 

I know everyone does it differently but how would you handle a situation where one income is much higher? I’m already paying more than he is, but he still feels that he pays too much. 

tog redux's picture

DH probably makes around 28K more than I do, but we subtract the 13K in CS that he pays from that.  I put more towards joint bills, but he puts more in a 401K at work that will benefit both of us. We each put money in a joint account and pay joint bills from there. We have a joint credit card for things we buy together, and we each have our own accounts.

We don't quibble over money, we both have a lot left over to spend on ourselves after we put into the joint account.  No one keeps track.

Why does your DH think he pays "too much"?  I wouldn't have much patience with someone thinking I should support them.

flmomma08's picture

Neither one of us have CS. I’m more of a saver, he’s a big spender. He doesn’t have ANY money in savings. So you can see why I’m hesitant to shell out more money. There’s so many other things too like I am the one paying over $300 a month for our family’s health and dental insurance. I’m the one who pays all the doctors and ultrasound bills (I’m pregnant and my insurance sucks so I still pay everything out of pocket). I am losing my patience and starting to feel used. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your pregnancy-related bills are "joint" and he needs to be paying half. If he had contributed, you wouldn't be needing the services. It's not different than any other joint bill.

flmomma08's picture

Exactly my point! Thank you! I’m paying over $1000 in medical bills every month related to my pregnancy! All on my own! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is more-or-less what DH and I do, but it requires a lot of trust, communication, and transparency. Neither of us are huge spenders (we each have our splurges), and I'm big on saving or at least not living in debt (currently, we have an interest-free CC we put appliances on, a CC with our hotel booked for vacation that we only used for points that we will pay off when we get home, and a mortgage). If either of us were big spenders and/or not transparent, it wouldn't work.

flmomma08's picture

I would love to do this and I don’t care that he makes less than I do, but I can’t trust him with his spending :/

fourbrats's picture

account. DH has a small separate checking account where one check is deposited and that is his. I don't care what he does with it. The rest goes in one pot and I handle the family finances. I pay all of the bills and the remainder is split between savings and other crap (two teens at home, there is always other crap lol). He makes a bit more than I do but we have had a joint account for going on 20 years and don't argue about money so this works for us. 

flmomma08's picture

That’s kind of how we do it except we don’t have a joint account due to his financial issues and me not trusting him. He gets paid weekly and pays me and then I handle all the bill paying. 

The reason I’m bringing this up now is because he hadn’t given me any money for the past 2 paydays because he hasn’t been getting his normal hours at work. I’m trying to explain the bills don’t just go away and if he’s not going to be working full time then he needs to find a new job, not just expect me to cover everything. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Once you figure out a numerical split, I'd put some bills in his name that he's required to pay. He may not pay YOU, but the first time he forgets the internet bill and has to pay it with the associated fee, and wait for them to turn the internet back on, he'll likely never forget again. You can even set him up with auto-pay so that the bill gets paid no matter what is in his account. Then he can deal with the late fees, but the bills are paid.

flmomma08's picture

That’s a good idea. I used to have him just pay the utilities but when our electric was shut off I had to stop that. That’s when he started to just pay me, so that I could make sure bills were paid. But he does need to be responsible for something, absolutely. 

flmomma08's picture

Yup, years ago. Our arrangement back then was we each had certain bills we paid and the electric was one of his bills. That’s why he pays me directly now. 

tog redux's picture

If he’s not getting his normal pay, it should ALL be going to bills and nothing to fun, not the other way around. Why does he think it’s okay for you to support him? And what does he spend money on?

flmomma08's picture

That was kind of what I said to him yesterday - it would be one thing if he didn't have the full amount he usually pays, but to just decide to give me NOTHING toward bills for 2 weeks? And then he said this coming week his check is going to be really small too so that will make 3 weeks. I'm seriously baffled. To be honest I don't know exactly what he spends on because when he was paying his share of bills I never really cared what he did with the rest.. I know he eats out a lot while he's at work - probably buying breakfast, lunch, and drinks every day.. he has about a 45 minute commute so he's filling his gas tank at least once a week.. That's all that I know of.

lieutenant_dad's picture

A couple of options:

1.) Split all joint expenses (e.g. mortgage, daycare, utilities, insurance) by percentage of your individual income to your total joint income. Example: Since you make 2/3 of the household income, you'd pay 2/3 of the mortgage, or $1000. Whatever is left over from your split is what each of you has to spend on individual bills, such as his CS (I'm assuming he pays CS) and your student loans, and invest separately. This will make everything equitable, but not equal.

2.) Combine all finances, pay all bills (joint and individual), and then split what is leftover evenly between "free money", savings, and investing. This makes everything equal, but not necessarily equitable. 

3.) Divide joint household expenses based on number of kids and their time in the house in proportion to expenses. Example: he has 1 BK not related to you that he sees 15 days a month. Each month, total up expenses, and divide that number by number of days in the month. Let's say your daily expense is $100. For 15 days a month, you each pay $50 because you're each responsible for 1.5 people (yourself and half of your mutual kid). For the other 15 days, he's responsible for $62.50 and you're responsible for $38.50 since he is responsible for 2.5 people and you're responsible for 1.5. The math on this will have him paying out more, but he has more responsibility 50% of the month.

If it were me, I'd go with Option #1 UNLESS his kid(s) live with you greater than 50% of the time and/or you have kids yourself. Then I'd do a combination of Options #1 and #3.

No matter what you choose, I'd only worry about splitting joint bills. This would include any bills that are only in one person's name but were acquired after the two of you began dating and was decided upon jointly. A good example would be a car loan or the mortgage. Additionally, if you two have joint savings goals, such as a joint emergency fund, then I'd add that as an "expense" and split according to the formula you choose. Any extra money after joint bills are paid can be spent however you each see fit.

A couple of things to consider: because you make double what he does, your standard of living is going to be higher. Don't put your DH in a position where he can't keep up. If you want something that is more expensive than he can afford, then you need to be willing to pay the difference. Your household budget will be better suited based on what you two could afford if you had equal incomes. If you want more/better than that because your income allows, that is on you.

On the flip side, it's not your responsibility to fund a lifestyle your DH can't afford. Because of your income, if you're married, he can use your income to get higher lines of credit. I'd encourage an "open door policy" in regards to credit cards or at least credit reports to keep an eye on each other's spending. Run a report every 3-6 months so that IF he is spending beyond his means you'll know before (hopefully) it's out of control since you're responsible for half his debt post-nuptials nuptials (and vice versa).

flmomma08's picture

Thank you for this! I am going to think about all of these options. He’s kind of a financial train wreck so combining our finances is out of the question - he would ruin me. I have savings and investment separately while he just overdrew his checking account, just for an example. He should have plenty of money left over after what we agreed he would put toward bills but he can’t manage his money and has NO savings. It’s scary actually. His credit is shot. As far as the kids, I have 1 SD who currently lives with BM and he does not pay CS. We have 1 child together and another on the way. I have none outside the ones we have together. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I forget, are you married? If not, I'd make that a sticking point until he gets his finances successfully in order. Otherwise, you'll be responsible for 50% of his debt should you happen to divorce. You'll also lose 50% of your savings and retirement if that were to happen.

If you are married and have financial concerns, I'd talk to an attorney about options. 

flmomma08's picture

Yes, we are married. It’s definitely a concern. I spoke with an attorney before who advised me that in our state we could (if it ever got to that point) do a divorce without property division but I would probably get a second opinion if that ever starts looking like reality for me. It’s very concerning since I’m the only one who has savings.

ndc's picture

If you are a saver and he's a spender, I'd split expenses down the middle. That way you're able to pay off your student loans and put money away, and he is not living beyond his means. If he is a big spender and you're subsidizing his expenses, then he is likely living beyond his means.  An exception to that would be if you insisted on a house or other spending that he can't afford half of - then I think you should pay a larger share of that expense. Another exception would be if he's earning less than his potential in order to make a contribution to the household, like child care, all the transportation, etc.

flmomma08's picture

This is what I wanted to do but he doesn’t think it’s fair to split expenses when I make more than him. Currently I pay much more than he does and he basically denies it even when I put all the joint bills in front of his face and add up the numbers. It’s infuriating! 

notarelative's picture

We each have our own accounts and then there is a joint account for joint expenses. Contributions to the joint account are weighed by (retirement) income. I pay two thirds of the bills and he pays one third. 

The joint expenses include taxes, insurance, mortgage, utilities, and anything we buy for the house. I buy the gifts for my kids. He buys the gifts for his kids.We each have a car and its expenses are our own. In our situation, the student loan would be the responsibility of the person who took it out.

Our situation is different from yours in that we married when all the kids were adults. It’s easier in some ways when there is no CS, when there are no small children involved. In your situation you need to add daycare expenses to the joint expenses.

 

 

 

flmomma08's picture

Hmm maybe I’ll open a separate account just for bills once we resolve this. Right now he just pays me each week and I pay the bills out of my personal checking account. 

tog redux's picture

Ugh, OP, I couldn’t live like this.  I might insist he give me all of his money and I’d handle it all and he gets an allowance, if I could stay with him at all. “Being bad with money” is a cop-out, he’s just irresponsible.  

flmomma08's picture

It’s really getting to me lately especially since I’ve been bombarded with these medical bills and him not contributing at all. Then our dog is having issues and he expects me to take him to the vet and pay for it all. Just all kinds of stuff has come up recently. I don’t think he will give me all his money but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. 

Monkeysee's picture

My brother did this with his wife & it's worked out perfectly for them.  She was (and still is) terrible with money whereas he's always been anal (spreadsheets galore!), which has worked well for him because he's in great financial shape, debt free, has plenty of savings and doesn't worry about the things he likes to indulge in.

When he & his wife first met, she was a financial disaster.  There's no doubt she still would be had he not taken over.  She now hands over every paycheck, he pays all the bills and keeps track of their expenditure.  She doesn't complain because her standard of living has increased significantly, she's now also debt free, and while she doesn't get to spend to her hearts content, she absolutely gets to indulge as well on the things that are important to her.

Cbarton12's picture

DH makes a bit more than me. So we pay the mortgage and utilities as 60/40. We each have our own accounts that our checks are deposited. Then we have a joint to pay the mortgage and utilities. Anything else like groceries or purchases that come up for the house we just split 50/50.

flmomma08's picture

One more question guys - if your agreement was that your spouse pay you a set amount weekly (when he gets paid) and he hasn’t paid you in 2 weeks, what would you do? 

He even had the nerve to say he gets a “free week” because there are 5 paydays in August, meanwhile I have thousands of dollars in medical bills for my pregnancy that he has not paid a single dollar toward! I told him there is no free week, we have a baby coming! I can’t make this shit up! 

GoingWicked's picture

Honestly, if he didn’t hand over his finances to me or sign a postnuptial agreement that keeps finances as separate as possible, I’d divorce him.  The last thing you want is to not only have his half of whatever debts he has, but also to fork over your half of savings.  My DH is the big earner, I manage his money and give him an allowance, he is not capable of doing it himself.  His allowance even burns a hole in his pocket.

flmomma08's picture

It’s scary! I know him paying me weekly probably sounds weird to people who have more responsible spouses but it has worked for us up until recently when he hasn’t been paying his agreed upon amount and also basically refusing to contribute to extra things that have come up (mainly the medical bills). It’s really making me think. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd give him two options then: set up direct deposit of a certain percentage of his check directly into a bank account you control (easily done through his bank or employer), OR he can duke it out with an attorney in divorce court over CS and half of your unpaid medical bills. AND he can duke it out in court for as long as you can muster to protect your individual savings.

I don't know what other options you have other than pay for everything. He's not only shirking his responsibility to you, but also to your mutual kid(s). THAT would be my sticking point. If I had to solely financially support my kids, I'd rather do it alone where it doesn't cost me a premium for another adult.

Winterglow's picture

This appears to be a pattern. He seems to be shirking the responsibility of his first child too - doesn't take her/him for visitation, doesn't pay CS ... I wonder why the BM stands for that?

flmomma08's picture

The SD/BM thing is a whole issue in itself, but the short story is that we had SD full time for 6 years due to BM's drug issues and SD just started living with her around last Sept-Oct. DH allowed it. I knew it was a terrible idea but I had no say. We never got CS from her so he doesn't pay CS to her now. It's a huge shitshow.

flmomma08's picture

I'm going to bring this up to him today. It's not acceptable at all to me. If I am going to pay for everything and support the kids alone, there's no reason for him to be here.

ndc's picture

I would insist that he set up direct deposit of his entire paycheck to my account so it would be me giving him the excess rather than chasing him down for what he owed. If he refused, I'd file for divorce. No man is going to use me to support him, especially while I'm pregnant.

flmomma08's picture

I might go this route. This sounds like it might be the easiest option since literally ALL he has to do is change the account number for his direct deposit.

2Bloved's picture

My DH was also financially irresponsible.  I manage all finances, and he gets $100/week play money. We are both high earners,  although I do make roughly 60k more than my spouse. 

Before, we split joint bills according to the 2/3 rule someone mentioned above. After bills were paid, whatever he contributed to savings after bills was matched by me. This came about bc we were in a rough spot and after a pretty horrible fight I wrote him a check for half of our savings. I then said never again. I showed him a spreadsheet outlining that his "half" of our savings was actually 100% funded by me, since after he paid his bills and 1/3 of house payment and household bills, he had NOTHING to contribute to savings.

After that, I implemented a savings match rule. Whatever he put into savings, I would match.  I then had a nice nest egg growing for myself and he understood how much of the financial load I was carrying and actively worked on cutting costs so he can save more.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I don't understand why your pregnancy medical bills are considered "yours" rather than "ours." Has he explained his reasoning on this? I think you should make sure he pays you back for his half of those bills. You  might also want to consider some kind of a post-nup. Right now if you divorce, he could get half of all that you have saved.

flmomma08's picture

His reasoning for me paying for anything is always because I make more than he does. That's the answer I get every single time I bring it up. A post-nup is a great idea. I think I am going to speak to an attorney about it.

step to grown children's picture

My DH is horrible (irresponsible) w finances and I make considerably more than him. I currently pay all the bills. He has a medical condition but does work so most of his money covers his medical expenses, groceries, and gas. 

I don't have a problem with this arrangement. He knows he cant manage money so his only task is to keep vehicles fueled, food on the table, and other miscellaneous and entertainment expenses. He also pays for his house where the mooch SS20 lives for free.... but we are working on getting that property rented out or sold.

Once that happens, I will require more from him.

shamds's picture

what your partner does, it wiuld be unreasonable to expect everything be split 50-50 exactly.

what i suggest you do is add up the bills approximately:

pregnancy appt/ultrasound bills etc

utilities (phone/mobile/electric/water/gas)

petrol for the car

mortgage

home and car insurance 

groceries

 

once you’ve totalled the above 6 then see if it is split 50-50 and still well within your partner’s paycheck then fine but to be honest its just common sense the one who has a higher income picks up more bills. The difference would be if the partner on lower income is just being lazy not getting a good job with regular full time hours and spends money on useless crap, i get that would make you angry

i’m a sahm and hubby earns several hundred grand a year. Every month he puts money in my personal acct (we do not have joint bank accts), i do online grocery shopping, pay for my uni textbooks etc and hubby handles all utility bills as they are in his name.

when i finish my university studies and in fulltime work hubby hopes to be on early retirement by then as he has great savings, i am ok paying for alot of things but hubby has budgeted to still be able to pay for utilities and the important stuff like groceries and i will still do what i can and put money to saving and buying a new car to accomodate our growing family

if however due to a shitty economy and work not being stable or say hubby is in a graduate career fulltime job with a normally low income and say yours is high because its sales and bonus related, it’s unrealistic to say well hubby should pay 50% of all bills because he needs to get a 2nd full time job or go back to university and get another career etc...

also what if naturally the first few yrs income is lower until he gets the necessary experience and promotions and pay rises, then its just logical for this temporary time you pick up what you can within reason and then when it evens out that everything is split as equally as possible

its very rare both partners earn roughly the same salary so bills need to be in proportion but this doesn’t mean you pick up any slack because he has kids from a prior relationship so he is excused from contributing to household bills.

even working in insurance my yearly income was 60 grand a year less tax and superannuation it was more of take home pay about 45K. I paid for all groceries at home and phone/internet bill plus car and home insurance. My dad paid for the utilities.

this was before i married obviously because my parents wanted me to save money before moving out etc but never would i expect to live for free

my concern for op is it seems no money has been put aside from her partner to buy baby stuff. Is his logic gonna be well baby comes out of your body so your responsibility?? Of course not this is considered necessary stuff things like a baby cot, stroller, baby carrier, formula, bottles and nappies etc. 

You need to address this now before bubs arrives. My husband would schedule our pregnancy appts on weekends or weekdays in between his meetings and pay for everything himself as he was the sole income earner

flmomma08's picture

I don't mind paying a higher percentage of my income toward bills (I always have paid more), but right now he isn't even paying the amount that we agreed for him to pay. I know there could be a bunch of different scenarios, but he's almost 40 so it's not a situation where he's just starting out in a field and his income will increase. This is it. And I accepted it and am ok with it as long as the income is stable and I know what I am getting each week/month to put toward bills. It's scary for me right now because I have no idea how much he will give me or if he will give anything at all toward bills.

Nope, he hasn't paid for a single baby item or a single pregnancy medical bill. And yes the baby was planned if anyone was wondering (not that it really matters, its still his responsibility).

shamds's picture

Basically it feels like you are living like a single woman (paying for everything) yet you have another grown up arsehole of a husband to financially take care of. The fact he sits there smugly and tells you i have no money. What kind of a man does this? He’s not a real man at all

my husband has comfortable savings aside and could retire early now but he’a always thinking of the future that since he can still work and we have 2 toddlers it’s financially smart he works a few more years so if he is made redundant or has mandatory retirement in his country that i would be in full time work so financially we’ll still be ok. 

I just can’t ever see my husband sitting there proud with a smug look saying “wifey i got nothing for you, no money to pay bills because i spent it on useless unimportant shit!!”

you need to re-evaluate this relationship and the motivator to have more kids with him because hun i’m telling you right now all the above doesn’t give me even a hint of a sex drive to pop out more babies with him. I’d shut that door on him firmly till he steps up...

flmomma08's picture

Oh yeah, more kids is out of the question at this point. I wouldn't have even gotten pregnant again if this was going on at the time. I'm not sure what's going on with him right now. I am getting angry just picturing the look on his face when he says he doesn't have any money!

beebeel's picture

My DH is terrible with finances. I used to make more than him and now he makes much, much more than me. We have always combined anything and large purchases (dollar amounts have increased over our 15 years together) have to be discussed. When we first moved in together, his credit was in the toilet and he had $0 saved. Since I took over the finances, his credit is even better than mine (wtf!?) and we have a nice savings account. 

There is no "fun money" until bills get paid. There are no "free weeks." This isn't kindergarten. You are already paying more than enough given your higher income. I would be livid that he thinks he can slack off because you make more than he does.

flmomma08's picture

Amen! I would love to just combine all our money as long as he didn't have access to it, haha.

I know he's slacking off because he knows I will cover his @$$ and that sickens me but all the house bills are in my name, and if I don't pay, me and my kids will suffer so I feel stuck. Even the Internet bill I have to pay because I work from home. If this continues, I don't see any reason for him to live here. I'm getting fed up.

beebeel's picture

He picked a real dumb time to pull this junk. You are 6 months pregnant and it's hot AF. I'd be ready to murder him.

Thisisnotus's picture

Is it sad if I say that we have never discussed finances and I have  been trying to hard to get DH to. Right now, we have totally separate accounts....he has taken some bills over....no discussion....and I have alot of the bills. He makes triple the amount of money that I make. We have been married almost 3 years and I just can't get him to discuss anything with me.....I've been trying forever. He said yesterday that we will do it this weekend....have a talk ...come up with a budget and a plan.

I don't even know the exact dollar amount of his paychecks and at any given time I have no clue how much money he does or has or how much extra he sends to BM....no clue on earth.

I'll believe it when I see it if he actually is willing to sit down and discuss and plan. So for right now......we just fly by the seat of our pants and pretty much spend what we have....when I run out....b/c I don't make nearly what he does....I use his credit card. hahahaha

sounds like a recipe for a real successful marriage doesn't it? I don't how much money most middle class famlies have left over after the bills are paid....but I feel like we are in a good spot to really budget and save and succeed finanically....but whatever.

flmomma08's picture

It's ok, I'm not in any better of a situation as far as marital finances go. Honestly, we had SD full time for 6 years so SD issues were always #1 for us, and now that she doesn't live here anymore I think the financial issues are starting to come to a head. It's like I want to save, I want us to be stable but you can't force someone to do things with their money. I think some people just aren't financially compatible. Whether or not its a dealbreaker I guess depends on the severity of it. To me, its scary to not know when or how a bill will be paid and for my DH he couldn't care less - he would just not pay them and let them go to collections. I definitely feel your pain.

LindaLee's picture

We've been married 23 years and we don't combine bank accounts.  Since you make 2/3 more income, split the JOINT bills 1/3 and 2/3 (mortgage, health insurance, utilities, groceries, vacations...).  You pay YOUR expenses (student loan, car payment, car insurance...) and he pays his. There are some expenses that pop up during the month, so I write those down on a sheet of paper and DH owes me for that on the 12th of the month when he gets his SS check.  Right now he's up to his eyeballs in debt becasue he has a corvette payment, motorcycle payment, credit card payment, and I have no debt because I'm a saver. I'm not contributing to his extravagent lifestyle.  You wouldn't let a roommate get away with this, why are you letting DH?  He's taking advantage of you.   

flmomma08's picture

That's very true, I wouldn't let anyone else get away with this..

I've never minded paying more toward bills based on our incomes, but now I'm just feeling used. Sad

beebeel's picture

At least a SAHP is expected to clean, cook, taxi and care for the child(ren) while not paying the bills. This guy isn't doing any of that or paying the bills, yet he's the "same." How? Because penis? Good freaking lord.

flmomma08's picture

Seriously. Maybe I would feel a little differently if he were doing all those things, but I'm doing all those things on top of paying the bills.

Edit: this was supposed to be in response to beebeel

flmomma08's picture

So when he got home today I asked him if he got any money out (I had text him earlier and asked him to give me something even if it’s not the full amount). He said something along the lines of there is no money to get out and acted like I was crazy for asking. Then he said he has $20 and handed it to me. Wtf am I supposed to do with that?! He said again that he has a free week. I said NO. THERE IS NO F’ING FREE WEEK for you when I’m paying $1000 a month in medical bills for OUR baby! I can’t believe I’m even having these conversations with a grown adult.