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how do you do it??!!

neverbeenhereb4's picture

I am feeling so frustrated. so we are getting the oldest skid, 13 yr old and moving in with us. the past few months have been so peaceful. contact with bm has been a bare minimum with dh not answering calls, not returning texts that weren't absolutely necessary. and he has really put his foot down and stopped listening to all her stupid stories and only talking when there was no choice not to. now that skid is coming all of that has gotten out of control. bm calls constantly, feeling that she needs to be involved in every step. dh says we will get settled and return to normal soon, once the routine is lined out, esp when school starts, etc. so we're back to the old days of constant involvement. I know this will take some time for all parties, even him to get used to everything and then hopefully stop having so much contact from her. I am trying to figure out just what is bothering me so much, I know he despises her. I think its that I know she is in heaven being able to talk to him so much, and having this extra person in our lives, and 10 years of this seems like forever. I need to be able to just walk away from that part and let it go for my own sanity but its driving me crazy. and I don't want to disengage from the kids, I enjoy them. I feel frustrated, annoyed, and like my life is being invaded. he tries to make my feel better by saying he will only talk about kids, and he made such a mistake starting his family with her. he says not to take it personally that she seems to get her way, and he will tell me everything, which he has so that makes me secure, hes not running off to spend time with her or keeping secrets from me. so everything seems right but why is it still bothering me so much

TASHA1983's picture

Welcome to SM hell...*heavy sigh*

I think it bothers most of us because we have to deal with another woman invading our lives and having control (on some level) over some or maybe for some, all of our lives, finances, etc. it may only be indirectly but it still affects us and our households because of the kids they share.

I am still trying to deal with some areas I am doing good, but in others, I digress. The whole "blended family...skid/bm" thing is never going to be easy. BUT things can work out for you and your dh with all of this IF you are both a united front, are on the same page re: skids/bm, and communicate etc. THAT is imho the key to making it work with your partner, marriage, and dealing with bm. In regards to bm, we practice the "ignore" method. Unless it has to do with skid, she gets ignored EVERY time! It works wonders for your sanity! Smile

oldone's picture

It bothers you because there is no reason why she has to talk to your DH daily. She does not need to be involved in every step your DH takes. Necessary information can be transferred by email.

She just wants to chat with him. No sane woman wants her DH chit chatting with another woman (especially his ex) multiple times a day.

It's an unnecessary intrusion into your lives. This is a 13 year old boy. She doesn't need to know if he ate his breakfast, took a shower today, etc.

SMof2Girls's picture

It bothers you because you will spend the next 10 years dealing with the constant reminder that he was married, had sex, and created a child with another woman. The contact is excessive and unnecessary. It would bother any sane woman in your situation.

gaviotas's picture

I do understand what it means to you. At the beginning I was paranoid about the excessive contact between my DH and his ex. Later I realized he did it only for the child. He also deals with his ex MIL, as the kid stays two days a week there. So double pain.
Well, again to your case, why is your SS moving in? My argument would be that the kid needs his mom, and should spend quality time with her as well, 50/50.
About the contact,it will be difficult to manage, but now the kid is at home, ask him to answer the phone (or use a caller id, to identify her calls) or buy him a cell phone so his mom can reach him at any time, without bothering you. And use email for updating her or notifying any news.
Wish you the best!