How do you deal with a BM that cannot let go?
My boyfriend's STBX I cannot figure out if she is in either denial or she does not want to look bad, but she likes to pretend to the world that she is still happily married and not that she is a whore that cheated and had another man's child while married to my BF. It bothers me less now, than it did a few months ago, but it has not completely gone away how she puts on this show for everyone. They have been seperated for over a year now, but her facebook name still is their child's name, her name, and my BF's name, other accounts talk about her "hubby" in the info about her. Less and less common now are there texts where she talks about "working things out" and "our family." My BF has asked her to remove his name and any mention of him on all over her accounts, either ignores her comments or shuts her down telling her their marriage is over, etc. but that does not seem to stop her.
This week they will be meeting in a public parking lot to see if they can agree on terms or at the very least get the divorce finalized and then trial for custody. My BF has been ignoring any attempts she has made about trying to discuss "things" because all she does is pull the victim card and make false accusations. Now let me state I am 0% worried about them getting back together or anything like that. I am not looking forward to the possibility of this meeting stirring up her trying again with this "our family" and "working things out" in any capacity because no matter what it still gets to me a bit when these things are said.
On a positive note, my BF's best friend has been visiting for the past week and on his own accord brought up a few stories that painted the picture of how unhappy my BF was with STBX without mentioning her if that makes sense, so that at least confirmed what I had been told, but without asking or anything. Also, comments that have been made that also confirm the change in my BF and such whilst being with me. Selfishly makes me feel good just to have that reconfirmed even when I was not questioning it.
So my question is how do you mentally deal with a BM that won't let go because letting go does not benefit her financially or people's perception on her? Like I said, I have recognized the motives behind her doing/saying what she has, but it still mentally takes a bit of a toll and I would like if I could be more passive about her stupidity.
I often fine if you give any
I often fine if you give any kind of energy or attention to something or someone it will only increase the behavior. If you are secure in your relationship with your BF and know that she's just having a hard time letting go than just remember that's her problem to deal with and not yours. It's sad that she hasn't moved on and hopefully in time she will. Even if she doesn't, you continue living your best life with him and never give her the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers you. Don't give her anything to feed off of, this is what she wants and most people like that get off on receiving a reaction.
My mindset towards things like this is that she's irrelevant and the only thing she and your BF have in common is that child and raising the kid to the best of their ability. She's a non-factor darlin', so keep your head up and continue loving your man.
That is true
In the beginning when this was happening, I wanted him to address it with her and just reitirate to her that things are over and about taking his name off her accounts. Then, I realized it was just giving her attention and she was not going to do it no matter how many times he said it and it just gave her something to feed off of and go on and on and on about. So now him and I have both agreed, it bothers us, but he cannot force her to stop/change anything, so we don't try and give it any attention.
If I was not secure in my relationship or had doubts, I definitely would not be with him. You're right! Put the energy into loving him and our relationship, not into wishing she would just move on. Luckily, she has no idea any of this bothers me, I won't give her that satisfication.
I used to obsess about BM
I used to obsess about BM because she cannot be trusted and my DH is blind to detecting sociopaths. I found out that BM will only ramp her crap if she knows that something is bothering DH or me. OSS goes home and gives BM a report after every visitation so he knows what pushes my buttons because he is her mini me. I find that just trying to ignore both of them is the best way to deal with it. I mean don't get me wrong I will not be disrespected in my own home by BM or the skids and I have no problem letting them know it but, I just try to ignore most of their antics because they will only do it more. The only thing I cannot get over is that I want to see all of what BM texts my DH.
Currently BM does not know where my boyfriend lives
he does all the pick up/drop off in front of her place. We don't live together currently, that was a line I drew, that until the divore was finalized we will live in seperate homes (we currently both rent). Her not knowing where he lives gives me a pretty great piece of mind for now because I don't have to worry about her showing up or anything like that. My boyfriend does not let either child disrespect me so it luckily does not get to the point I need to say anything because he beats me to the punch if he smells a wiff of disrespect. Trying to not stir the pot and say anything to BM until the papers are signed and a CO in place, so I don't make things any more difficult or drawn out in that respect.
I don't blame you, I am the same way, not that he ever tries to hide it or anything like that. If she texts something that is outside of pick up/drop off/kid important stuff, he either sends me what she said or shows me in person. That was something I had addressed very early in our relationship, that the fact he is divorcing puts me outside of my comfort zone and for me to be comfortable and secure in our relationship he needed to be 100% transparent and open with me especially on the divorce front.
The other week I had questions prior to him meeting the lawyer and he wasn't wanting to talk till after the lawyer (he didn't want me to think he only asked/said things because I had brought it up) and I reminded him what my needs in the relationship are. I flat out told him if that need cannot be met then we were going to take a break till everything was signed. He knew I was completely serious and he respected me standing up for my needs and apologized.
That is good that you let him
That is good that you let him know those things. I wish we didn't have to deal with this BM's though LOL.
"My boyfriend does not let
"My boyfriend does not let either child disrespect me so it luckily does not get to the point I need to say anything because he beats me to the punch if he smells a wiff of disrespect."
^^^^^^^^^^I can't emphasize how important this is and that he continues to do this. He seems like he has a strong head on his shoulders and hope he never deviates from maintaining strong boundaries. Wishing you both well.
You're kind of answering another question
that has been on my mind since finding this site. After reading people's blogs and forums, I have been wondering if the chaos of steps being disrespectful, doing what they want, and DH's not standing up for/being on their spouse's side is something that starts that way/always been that way, or if in most situation, the behavior of DH and the skids changes?
Thank you! I wish you the best too! So far he has been very respectful of boundaries and supportive. That is not to say he might at first not understand my perspective, but if that is the case, he takes time to think about it and then we will talk about and find out what the best way to resolve the issue or at the very least validate that it is okay to feel that way.
I can see why it bothers you.
I can see why it bothers you.... I think it bothers us all to some degree- the more in your face BM is and the more she acts like it is still her place the more bothersome it is.
My DH’s ex acted like she didn’t care at all when we were dating.... it was when we got married that she really went psycho. She started saying that he was married to both of us (even though they went through years of court and have the certificate). I had seen years of court docs, emails,the texts etc between the 2 of them... the whole works and she even tried to tell me this. She was also the one who originally wanted the divorce and happily trotted along through the whole process.... but as soon as we got married it became that he was living a double life and all this absolutely crazy crap. She also didn’t outright say she wanted him back, and she has ALWAYS been beyond cruel to him but as soon as we were married she started up all this drama.
I was so bothered at first just because it takes some nerve to behave like that. But you have to remember that the more time goes on the more they have to accept it on some level. Just watch out that she doesn’t start using the kids against him and alienating them from him.
Why does he need to meet her in public for all this though? Can they not just have the convo over the phone? Or through lawyers? If he is meeting up with her to discuss things like this there is a good chance that she will take it the wrong way. The best thing he can do is create firm boundaries now..... it will make things much easier on both of you down the road.
OMG
I don't know what is worse, a BM that acts this way in the beginning or after you married your DH. Probably the later because it is so disrespectful to you and your marriage. I am happy you were able to get through it and not let it ruin your marriage! That would definitely bother me too.
Well so the lawyer suggested it as a way to get it all over with sooner was to either go talk to her and agree on custody or to get the divorce finalized and then battle over custody in court after. She has tried to get him to get dinner or whatever to discuss making things work, he made it clear when telling me what the lawyer said that he was going to talk to her in the parking lot in front of her place and no where else. He would not go anywhere with her or step into her home, he said all of this before I got to question or make any statements. The lawyer suggested in person because it might make her be more willing to compromise.
Them talking over the phone is not productive. She always goes off on this "poor me I had to get a job" and you don't know what you're talking about "I never cheated" but had another man's child while they were married, etc. I have heard her on the phone too many times because I was curious on what she was going on about when he says strictly factual information regarding the kids, nothing more. I am not particularly happy about them talking in person, but I understand it. My suggestions were 1. record everything, 2. to meet in a parking lot elsewhere so she doesn't try and spin it as he is harassing me, showing up outside my place (wouldn't surprise me her trying to do that).
It is a hard line.... from my
It is a hard line.... from my expeirence, if she has it in her head to be difficult she will be whether it be in person, on the phone, in front of a mediator or in court. DH’s old lawyer used to try all these passive tactics at first...,. DH send her an email, lawyer send an email (or letter) and this and that and whatever tactic was used she stayed equally as difficult and ended up having to go the hard route anyways. Be careful that the lawyer isn’t toooooo passive because that is actually how bills stack up when dealing with difficult people- and also sometimes things can escalate really quickly through passive approaches which could have been solved earlier with a more direct method. Lawyers are smart too and know how to pad their pockets with creating a lot of back and forth that leads to more hostility and bigger fights. DH was already divorced when I met him, but there was a giant battle over the kids.... it cost us a fortune and led to the kids being totally PAS’d out. I still feel that if his lawyer was a lot more proactive in the beginning and didn’t get them to do the back and forth soft tactics it prob would have prevented a lot of the damage she was able to cause.
Well that I can understand, my boyfriend
was livid when he saw the lawyer two weeks ago because since she knows he has plans in 2 years to move states away, she has essentially been twiddling her thumbs trying to wait closer to when he moves away so he doesn't have to refile. He was not happy his lawyer made this decision when he gave her no indication that is what he wanted. What is not helpful is everyone is pretty sure the BM's lawyer is either hardly charging her or not charging her at all so it's not like she is in any rush.
Would be nice if she could just be a mature adult and they can come to an agreement and just be done with it, but what fun is that for BM? :x I will definitely see if in person is what my BF thinks is the best option, if he does, I will support it as he has supported my feelings in the past and this isn't going to kill me.
You honestly just have to
You honestly just have to accept that her only fulfillment in life was probably being a married mother and she’s just trying to hold on to that facade because if she didn’t she would have nothing left. She probably doesn’t have an identity for herself. It’s all being a wife or being a mom. How sad and pitiful.
Its really easy to get consumed by BM especially when reading sites like this and posts on SMom groups on others. It gets us all riled up and in our feelings (hate) for them. I advise you to block BM on all your social medial so you can’t see what yer profile names are or what she’s doing. If her obsession with your husband is clearly one-sided then try your best to avoid having to see or hear her desperate attempts with the “I love you” crap. I used to catch myself finding things to be annoyed about when it came to the crap BMs does when I have friends who have done the same stuff and I just chalked it up to “no big deal” because it wasn’t directly affecting my life. BM isn’t (shouldnt) be able to affect your home/peace so try to avoid it if you can’t ignore it.
I guess it is hard for me to
accept that because that is not what my goals in life are. She enjoyed the luxury of not working and being able to spend my BF's money. Which nothing against SAHMs, but he did majority of the raising of the children and such when she wasn't working. Now she actually has to have a job and she definitely doesn't like that, tries the "poor me" all the time. I think that might be part of why she irritates me so much is because she just all around disgusts me.
Yeah, I think after hearing everyone's advice that blocking her on my accounts too is the best bet so it is out of site out of mind. It is 100% one sided and I need to stop spending energy on the topic when I have nothing to worry about.
It takes a long tome to
It takes a long tome to untangle from a marriage expecially one with kids. I'm 10 years divorced and remarried now for over 3 years, have been together with my current husband 9 years. We went through everything you are going though now. My suggestion is to pump the breaks on the relationship and let him work through the divorce process. Pick up with him after it's final.
Since you probably won't do that, because you want it to work out with him eventually, do these things.....
1)Let him vent when he wants but don't get too involved in his divorce proceedings, it will only drive you crazy. Ask him "are you venting, or do you want my opinion?" Keep an arm's length from all of this.
2)maintain your own residence until he gets the visitation and custody all figured out
3)never ever talk about the ex or anything divorce related around the kids, go into another room and close the door, trust me, they will go back and relay messages.
4)don't stalk her social media or worry about what she is doing in her free time, it's not your business. Block her on everything. Also, she has every right in the world to keep her married last name. It's legally hers, she can keep it for the rest of her life if she wants to. I kept mine for years before I remarried again. It's a pain in the ass to change your last name on everything.
5)let him parent the kids, don't even offer advice here, let him do everything for them, be the fun person they can play with once in awhile. Personally we waited a solid year after starting to date before introducing our kids to each other, there is absolutly no rush here, enjoy dating without the stress.
There is a lot more, but this is what I can think about for now, like I said 10 years in, I've been though all of this.
Haha you are right, unless my needs aren't getting met
with the full transparency, I don't intend to take a break from the relationship.
1. We have been working on the advice/venting bit because sometimes he wants an opinion, other times he does not. So I told him he has to communicate when he wants an opinion.
2. 100%, that upset him a little bit when I told him that was a hard line for me, but then he understood why I won't live with him until everything is cleared up
3. Definitely don't do that anymore, especially now that the 4 y/o has gotten on to repeating things, so anything we don't want BM to hear is not said in front of her
4. It's not his last name that is on her page, that I understand. Sure I rather her not have his last name, but I am not expecting/going to get mad if she doesn't change it. For example say the child's name was Sara, his name was Tony, and her name was Michelle. Her name on Facebook is Sara Tony Michelle and her page is all "my motivation is my hubby and girls."
5. If we waited for that we would have maybe 1 day a week to see each other.
Thank you for the advice
it is good to hear things that have/have not worked from people in a similar situation!
I also wanted to add that my
I also wanted to add that my husband's ex was also obsessed with him, I remember running accross and email from her to him that said she wanted to "work things out, etc" But, once she started dating herself, that ALL changed, she didn't want anything to do with my husband. She was with that boyfriend for about 3 years, he has since dumped her, I have no idea if she's dating now, don't care.
Hopefully his ex will meet someone soon and this will die down, the hubby, kids crap on FB will also end as soon as she starts up with someone. Pray for it
Well we know in october she was seeing someone
because the 4 y/o was talking about some guy at mommys house that sleeps with mommy etc. that is when she was quiet and not saying those things,but then no more talk of the guy and that's when she texted again. We were SO close to her being on to some other guy, so just crossing my fingers she meets someone new SOON and she can stay tf away haha. But that's good she stopped being obsessed!
When BM figured out that DH
When BM figured out that DH had told me a lot of horrible stories about her and I told BM about them, she realized that her power to keep secrets with DH was over. In her mind he betrayed her in the most horrible way. It was key in getting BM to realized she had no power over DH. So, if OP, if your BM keeps up her games, just talk about some really shameful embarrassing details about her life she wants kept undercover. Otherwise ignore her.
You do have to have something in your back pocket if the need arises.
Ha, that was like DH’s ex
Ha, that was like DH’s ex wife. She fully believed that she could trick me into believing her stories. Little did she know DH was an open book.... showing texts and emails she sent. Lol. It was as though she assumed DH wouldn’t just be honest with me and would keep her crazy under wraps.
I went though this EXACT same
I went though this EXACT same thing, she thought her and my husband would always have this special secret bond and he would never tell me any secrets but he told me everything after awhile when his priorities shifted from her to me, it took awhile, but they did.
Well that is good to know
I will have to remember that for the futute when she tries to be all high and mighty about herself. She is NOTHING special. Well, at the very least sounds like possibly some light at the end of the tunnel in the future of her knocking off the shennigans