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how to do it...

shad0's picture

i have been wrestling with this decision... it is very painful for me to make. i have laid awake, staring at the ceiling for the better part of a week, wondering if it's the right decision.. here's a basic outline.

i married my wife a year and a half ago, after a 2 year relationship. we had agreed to get married before we moved in together, due to her moral views on the subject, and had only lived together for 6 months before the wedding.

I have 2 children to my ex-wife. 6 and 7. 1 lives with us. she has a 10yr old boy to her ex boyfriend, and an 11 year old girl to a guy who's never seen his daughter. both live with us.

i posted another thread outlining the issues i was having with these skids, in this thread i'll outline where i'm at in this marriage..

first off, the issue is not entirely my wife.. it's mostly is skids, and not being sure if i want to go down the path she's showing us.. to be honest, she scares me. not in a physical sense mind you, at least not my physical safety. but she is manipulative and dishonest and seeks attention, and lately has been turning to negative attention.. always hurting somewhere or doesn't feel well. she has also taken to wearing clothes that are not decent for anyone under 18. these are warning signs for me... now, it's not like anybody on either side of the family would believe her, as they all know me very well. they also know we get along like cats with out tails tied together, but an accusation is an accusation, and it taints you, even after it's been proven false. i am looking to avoid that whole scenerio.

the boy is physically violent, and has been known to lash out with objects at weapons. just the other day he hit his sister across the face with a full plastic water bottle. apparently she was running her mouth, goading him, and he had been screaming at her to shut up.. this happened in the car, with my wife driving at 55mph, unable to contain the situation. and he wouldn't even have been grounded had i not made an issue of it and demanded he be grounded. he has hit my oldest on several occasions, but also said it was an accident, even when my boy said it was on purpose. his father has started to withdrawl from him over the last couple months, so his eruptions have been getting more frequent and violent. 3 weeks ago, he threw a pocket knife at his sister that opened from the force of the throw and missed her by inches.

also, her kids have no respect for property or the cost of replacing or repairing something. they have broken 6 windows and 2 screen doors in the year and a half we've lived here, in addition to tearing a closet door off it's hinges and breaking another. her son broke a window in my truck with his slingshot and said it was an accident. but where my truck was sitting, there was nothing to aim at but the truck. nothing it could have bounced off of, nothing. he also breaks my sons 4 wheeler every time he rides it, and tries to yank the handlebars on his bike back every time he lets him ride it.

i was madly in love with my wife while we were dating, and i felt their behavior issues would be easily corrected.. i was wrong and i have failed. i am unable to maintain control over them, and my son is starting to push the limits as well because he watches them run past them without regard. i would have to ground them from everything at all times for 2 years before they would work off the time if they actually were grounded for each time they willingly and knowingly broke house rules. and my wife would never be able to hold up to it and within 2 weeks she's be letting them do things behind my back. she swears she doesn't, and i can't prove she does, but i catch things that paint a picture.. and i can't call her a liar without evidence, and i can't prove it's happening because i'm not here to see it.

as far as being a wife, she is great. we rarely argue, but that's because she won't speak up when something bothers her. she cooks for 3 kids and us, or 4 every other weekend when i have my youngest son. she cleans, attempts to keep up with the laundry, works part time as an LPN, and genuinely wants to make me happy.. but we've grown apart, and we both see it.

when i envision my future in this family, i do not see happy times ahead of us. i don't see happy outcomes and great vacations. i see stress and anger and violence and fear. i see friction being the dominant force in this family. and i'm not sure i want to be ground down...

but, how do you tell your wife that if it weren't for her kids, you'd be madly in love with her?? how do you do that and make her not blame her kids..

fugfrog's picture

I agree, someone other than you needs to make her see that she is letting her children run the household and that is not the way it should be.
A third party would take the pressure off you and also help the skids who are obviously out of control here! - But all kids do things for a reason, a lot of the time it's because they can get away with it - but there is always a cry for attention in these out of control kids.
Good luck!!!