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How do I cope with boyfriend's late wife's mother in law?

MichelleA's picture

She is driving me mad! She is acting like she is 'the wife' and I am the mistress! Yet she is just the children's grandmother! She doesn't want me in the house, moves anything of mine that she finds lying in the house and complains to my boyfriend that she can smell my perfume!

I am only there at weekends at the moment - but how on earth am I going to cope with her when I am there on a perm basis?!

MichelleA's picture

Sad She looks after the children (at my boyfriends house) after school until he gets home. I live 1 1/2 hours away from them at the moment. You are right, that's what I want to say to her but I feel if I do that I will upset the apple cart so to speak and she would then refuse to have the girls after school..... which would make my boyfriends life very difficult...

I am getting really upset by all this now and I know my boyfriend is stuck in the middle at the moment as he needs her to look after the girls....... we plan on me moving in with them all but not until the end of August - am I supposed to put up with her behaviour until then? It will only get worse when I move there too....... she is acting as if she is the 'wife' not the grandmother and making me feel like an intruder in my own boyfriends house. I don't feel comfortable there at all..... Sad

stormabruin's picture

" I feel if I do that I will upset the apple cart so to speak and she would then refuse to have the girls after school..... which would make my boyfriends life very difficult..."
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It's no more acceptable for you to have to be upset than it is for the babysitter to be upset? The things she's moving do not belong to her. Her opinions about your perfume need to be kept to herself.

Your boyfriend doesn't have to be stuck in the middle. He can, & SHOULD have a very frank talk with this woman & make it understood that she is a babysitter in his home & that she is expected to respect him & his home (included his choice of company) & if she opts out of babysitting, he can simply replace her.

She is overstepping & he's allowing it to happen because it's convenient for him. He's allowing her to disrespect you because it's easy & convenient. Your feelings should trump convenience.

You are right that things WILL get worse when you are living there. He needs to fix this now.

stormabruin's picture

Whether she is taking care of the kids or not, she is & will ALWAYS be the grandmother. The time she spends in his home is spent babysitting. If she can't respect him & his home & what's in it, she has no business there.

Yes, sadly her daughter is deceased, but that does not give her the right to treat other people or their things disprespectfully. Certainly, you can't replace a grandmother. However, if she can't behave as a babysitter, she should be replaced.

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

This sounds like a very difficult and sensitive situation.

From the mothers point of view, she has lost her daughter and all she has left of her are these two kids. She must be despirately sad and people do / say silly things when they are grieving. This is no excuse for the way she makes you feel though. But I doubt she would risk not seeing her grandchildren if that is the case. How long has the childrens mother been gone for?

Maybe it would be an idea to talk to your partner about it and see if you could all sit down and gentley discuss with the mother about her behaviour together?

Maybe she feels that you are trying to replace her daughter in some way, or is just not ready to move on from what happend herself?

herewegoagain's picture

Your SO ex-mil lives with him? Oh my, run for the hills. Unless he kicks her out, you will end up not only putting up with crazy skids, but her...She needs to find somewhere else to live if you ever decide to move in with him...

herewegoagain's picture

PS - he needs to find DAYCARE for these kids that is NOT his ex-mil...why? Because even if she stops after you move in, YOU will be required to take care of these kids while he is out? No, no, no...you will regret that one and very soon...although it may not seem like it now.

MichelleA's picture

No the ex mil doesn't live there - she lives 10 mins walk away. She picks the girls up from school, takes them back to his house and gives them tea and looks after them until he gets home..... she makes me feel like I am an intruder - she threw away a bra of mine - I accidentally left it there the other weekend (I have to take it all back with me in case she sees it and gets funny) - it was expensive and part of a set.... but as it was mine and she found it she threw it away! She has no right and I have no idea what to do about it. It might seem pathetic to some people but this is really getting to me now.... Sad

MichelleA's picture

That's not a bad idea - maybe I should suggest that to boyfriend - that way she can't moan. I doubt she will do that though.... but it's worth a try. Thank you x

stormabruin's picture

"This is a mother who lost her daughter and she may not be ready to see her SIL move on, much less move a GF or a SM into the picture"
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While she may not be ready to see her SIL move on with his life, it's not her choice to make. Ready or not, life goes on.

She lives 10 minutes away. If she can't bear to watch this man move forward in life, maybe she needs to keep the kids at her own place.

Regardless of the care she's been giving to these children, she will ALWAYS be their grandmother. That does not give her the reins in this man's home or life. No one is talking about tossing her aside like yesterday's trash...simply expecting the same amount of respect any person owes another.

MichelleA's picture

Thank you - at last someone who understands where I am coming from! I don't want to hurt the grandmother but she needs to take a step back. I agree, I think I might suggest that she looks after the girls at her house. I am in tears over this a lot lately and it's not fair that she is allowed to say/do whatever she wants.....

Jsmom's picture

She is always the MIL. Unless they divorced. He just adds MIL's, he doesn't get rid of one. She died they did not divorce. She is always the grandma and MIL. I have 2 FIL. One with DH and one with my late husband. Just because he died, doesn't mean they stop having that role in my life. That is just heartless.

overit2's picture

Take your biased bm glasses off...nobody is saying toss her like trash or be heartless, but that he needs to create BOUNDARIES for his new partner-NOW and strong ones. Grandma will have to adjust to her new place in the family-that of GRANDPARENT, not WIFE, NOT MOTHER and certainly not running her bf's home ...quit with the bed buddy shit...I've said this, perhaps a bm's dumped by bf's and ex's is a better place for you... you really aren't in any of our shoes so why it throw your crap induced guilt at struggling members here. REally, get a life...you have displaced anger issues because your latest bf didn't want to step-parent your kids and apparently neither did you exh and you see everything through those lenses.

stormabruin's picture

Not to minimize the importance of grandparents, but if he looks around he'll be able to find someone looking for some part-time income who will do these kinds of things as well. He doesn't have to put up with her invasion of privacy & overstepping because she is a grandmother. Even if it means him having to take time off with them when they're sick, it's worth it to take that & not have to put up with the snooping prying entitled eyes of a woman who can't bear to watch a family move forward.

Disneyfan's picture

What happens if the SM doesn't want to take on that role?

What happens if SM starts out wanting to help, but later decides to step back?

He needs grandma. She will love and help with his girls unconditionally. A new wife won't.

stormabruin's picture

He doesn't "need" grandma. She is convenient.

I don't think it's fair for anyone else to decide what OP would or wouldn't do as a wife. That's up to her to decide. Some can't love the steps unconditionally, or at all.

Even with the crap mine have hauled us through, & are still hauling us through, when I committed to my DH, I understood that I was committing to his kids as well. I love as much now as I did then, & I have nothing but hope that someday they will be able to feel real happiness. I love them unconditionally & I am still committed to doing anything I can to help them find that.

MichelleA's picture

I am sorry I disagree! I DO love the children unconditionally already. I take him and his children as a package. I will help guide them through life. I don't have rosey coloured glasses on and know I will have bumps along the road but am prepared to take the risk as far as the children go. However, I can't do this unless the GM is reminded that she is their GM and not my boyfriends wife.... Sad

overit2's picture

Yes darling, I am STILL a single parent. I have been for well over 8 years. OF COURSE I know the importance of grandparents. My mother/father have always been the ones to provide care for my kids before the entered school...and after school a few times a week now that they are older. I KNOW they are more then babysitters-they are a big part of their lives. Shoot I had to LIVE with my parents after the divorce longer then I cared to.

I also know I had to CONTINOUSLY and strongly put my mother back in her place, they are VERY quick to try and rule the roost, you need firm boundaries. It may take SIL a while to learn this but there is no way my mother/father would be in charge of my romantic life, who is in MY HOUSE now just because they watch the kids.

The do stupid shit like re-arrange my dishes, they would not dream of telling me who can/can't be in my house or dismiss my bf and what he brings to MY LIFE because I'm divorced and they have been a big part of kids life.

You are totally preaching to the choir here, I now EXACTLY the importance, I also know EXACTLY how strong those boundary lines need to be drawn.

christag's picture

I completely agree. The grandmother has no rights. In very, very limited situations can grandparents sue for custody. Typically it's only limited visitation.

If the DH doesn't step up and get his former MIL in line now, she will continue to cause trouble. Mine was determined to undermine my marriage and encouraged her grandkids to hate me worse than any BM ever can.

People didn't like it when I posted it before, but it's standard practice when dealing with these situations - the widower needs to lay down the law with his former MIL and if she doesn't follow his rules, then she cannot see the children. It's that simple. Otherwise, you're going to end up with skids that side with their MIL against their father like mine did.

stormabruin's picture

Why wait??? Because she can't even be there for a weekend without grandma throwing her stuff away!

Maybe there's something going on with jobs that make a 6-month wait necessary.

Why is everyone obligated to be sensitive to grandma but grandma has no obligation to be considerate or simply show the common courtesy that one stranger owes another??? Grandma isn't being sensitive to SIL by stepping all over his relatioship. She isn't being sensitive to OP by alienating her from the kids or by throwing her stuff away.

Grandma's daughter died 2 years ago. Don't get me wrong. I understand she's dealing with a loss, but life goes on! If she can't move forward, she needs to step back because it isn't fair to expect SIL & his kids to stand still forever.

MichelleA's picture

Exactly my point - I don't feel comfortable in his house when she is doing her best to drive me away ! All I want to do is be there for him and the girls - they want me there too - it's GRANNY who is preventing me from feeling comfortable there! The girls would have me move in tomorrow if they could. Both my boyfriend and I have been taking into consideration everyone's feelings on this not just our own, but GM is the only one that isn't happy with our relationship.... just her....... everyone else has given us their blessings - totally .

MichelleA's picture

reasons for waiting to move in are:

1) we want the girls to get used to us being together first. We don't want to rush the girls into it.... I too care about them and their feelings.....

2) My work contract ends in Aug - so instead of me looking for another job where I am living it's good timing to move in with them and find a new job all at the same time....

MichelleA's picture

Thank you - I WILL end up being his wife, he has said so on many occasions. I don't want to replace the childrens' mother - just to love them and guide them through life. Those little girls deserve to be loved and cared for - is it so wrong that I want to do that for them? I love their daddy and now I love them too..... why is it wrong? Why should I be deemed 'second class'? I have feelings of my own! You are right - I am NOT just his bed partner. We are not teenagers and we know what we want..... a loving marriage..... all we are trying to do is to 'ease' everyone else into the situation and GM is overstepping the mark.

Disneyfan's picture

Didn't you you have never met your BF's ILs?

Are you 100% sure he's being honest about all the things he claims they are saying/doing?

MichelleA's picture

Yes, he is being honest....he doesn't want to hurt her feelings - and neither do I really... but she does need to let go a little and realise that I AM in the picture and don't intend leaving. The girls love me as do I them and we are all bonding very well - but the LW's mother keeps getting her 'digs' in wherever she can. I have never had a 'go' at her and won't - I won't lower myself to do that, but I DO have feelings too and surely they should count? Sad

stormabruin's picture

Obviously I'm not the OP, so I can't say for certain, but logic leads me to believe that it's not the tossed bra that makes her cry, but the lack of respect by the grandmother in a home she is welcomed in by everyone who lives there.

I can agree that moving into the marital home can create a lot of unrest. I experienced that myself. However, some people aren't bothered by it. I don't believe they should feel obligated to sell & buy another house if the couple is fine where they are. Walls can be painted, furniture replaced, etc. They can make it their home. As far as it being where her mother reigns...the mother's reign needs to come to an end. She needs to realize that that home is not hers to rule. The kids have a papa-bear to watch out for them. They need a grandmother to be a grandmother...not a mama-bear.

asheeha's picture

i know! this is what i'm thinking! i have compassion for the GM...but she needs to reign in her feelings. op doesn't sound like a fling...she sounds like a stable relationship.

stormabruin's picture

In all honesty, I am a compassionate person, but it'd be a cold day in Hell when I would just sit back while BM's mother threw my shit away & bitched about my perfume because SHE doesn't want me in a home I've been invited into & welcomed into by my partner (the homeowner) & his kids.

I can understand her loss, but IMO her behavior is out of line. She's in the house to care for her grandchildren for a few hours in the evenings...not to determine what/who stays & what/who goes. She's the grandmother. She will ALWAYS be the grandmother, regardless of who comes or goes. She acts like she's marking her territory, though, & putting myself in the position of the OP, it'd piss me off too.

I also agree that it is the responsibility of the boyfriend to address the issue & make it understood that she's crossing boundaries.

Disneyfan's picture

Something is fishy about the BF.

Why hasn't he spoken to his MIL about all of this yet?

Why haven't he allowed the two of you to meet yet? MIL lives 10 minutes away and you're there every weekend.

Why the hell did he even bother to tell you about the perfume?

Why did he tell you MIL told the girls you're not their mom?

It seems like he's trying to keep you two from getting along. Why??

Jsmom's picture

Difficult situation. But, do not underestimate the role that the grandma has in their lives. She can actually sue for custody in most states. You need to tread lightly and respect her.

stormabruin's picture

IMO, the idea of having to tread lightly & respect her for fear of her filing for custody is giving her power she doesn't deserve. I haven't read anything that paints the boyfriend in bad light. I'm not saying it is or isn't there. I haven't seen it. So, why should he be fearful of losing custody to the grandmother? They don't just take kids from parents & hand them to grandparents because of a new relationship.

Growing up, I was taught that to get respect you must give respect. It works both ways. "Respecting" someone out of fear will make you an easy target for blackmail.

Jsmom's picture

No they need cause, but I guarantee you that a grandma with deep pockets can do some serious damage. Their have been cases of grandparents getting custody after a spouse dies if they can prove that they are better off with the grandparents. More stable environment.

Thankfully, I liked my IL's but, for a time there after my husband's death, I guarantee my son was better off with his grandparents than with me. All it takes is for a judge to be a grandparent to make the OP's life hell.

Delilah's picture

A very difficult all round imo.

Obviously no one wants to hurt the grandmother considering she has lost her daughter, and lets be honest I cannot imagine the pain she must feel at seeing her SIL (Son in law) moving on with his and the grandkids lives, while her daughter lays cold in the ground and is not part of life anymore. It would be hard to accept. Changes like these always are, so its unsurprising that she is having difficulty accepting these changes. She also appears to feel threatened, because not only would you effectively take her daughters place by SIL side, but also with the skids. She may feel like she is losing her family, as well as her daughter. OR she is almost protecting her daughters position in the family, although its now a memory, but chasing off any competition!

I appreciate that is not what you and your bf intend at all, and that you both are trying to be as tackful as possible in this situation but I DO think your bf needs to talk to MIL.

Men are not great at discussing things, particularly sensitive emotive subjects that are difficult to manage AND could possibly cause problems for them. Men instead will try and ignore whats happening, even more so when there is good reason to. I am sure your bf is eagerly pouncing on the excuse of his late wife (and I dont mean that disrespectfully at all) to avoid this conversation, as it will be difficult.

I can definately see where you are coming from. I wouldnt be happy about someone making PAS comments to the children about me, making personal comments and throwing my things (may I ask out of interest where exactly was your bra)?

Is there anyway you can keep anything you leave at the house in your bf's bedroom?

I would listen to the advice you are being given. I completely understand the fact you love this guy, that you want to move in with him. Thats normal and I am sure most of us have felt like running away with our feelings and excitment when in the first flushes of our relationship but PLEASE do rethink about your plans to move in should this situation NOT have resolved itself.

YES you and bf should be sensitive to MIL feelings, not only for what I already have mentioned but also because your bf is reliant on MIL for babysitting. She deserves respect. That said, I DO NOT think its acceptable for your bf to allow things to continue for everyones sake. Its unhealthy for your MIL to be acting like she is, even if its understandable (which it is). It is NOT her right to be meddling in your relationship nor making comments to the skids, this is tantamount to emotional abuse (which PAS is classed as). No matter how understandable the motivation for doing this. The children do not need to be placed in the middle like this, they have already lost their mother and do not need further anxiety caused by tension in their home. Its unhealthy. Nor is it healthy for your relationship because sure enough, this type of situation will eventually corrode your respect for bf. When a partner gives an ex, family member/skids free reign to act disrespectfully then they will continue to do so and in my experience they escalate. Especially when these changes which are threatening to them, also increase (such as moving in together).

Your BF needs to get this sorted before you even consider moving in together. Right now, you have a place to escape to. If you move in, MIL WILL be worse and your bf is too afraid to sit her down respectfully and have a chat, where he reassures her about her place in the family and skids lives, reassure her about his love for her daughter (know thats difficult to hear but its true) and how change can be hard to accept i.e. YOU. However, he and the skids are still alive and while late wife can never be replaced (nor would he want to), he has the right to be happy again and how he is sure MIL wants that too...for him and the skids. How you are supportive of MIL relationship with the skids, but bf is sad to hear about the negative things MIL is saying about you to skids. Sad because its untrue and as its not healthy for them considering the pain they have endured with their mother passing. That you are and your things are welcome in his home, and that you and they should be respected by ALL family members. Just as those family members are respected.

Then wait to see if anything changes. I do think the suggestion regarding having the skids at her home instead, may help prevent her from much of this behaviour (but not entirely) as it doesnt solve the main issue. How MIL is feeling. She will just adjust her attack position I am afraid.

If things do continue as they are, personally I wouldnt be going round his house anymore nor moving in, not until he was able to protect me through addressing the issues sensibly and putting consequences in place for MIL, to show her how serious he is. As right now, your MIL doesnt perceive you as important enough to respect and your bf is not demonstrating to her that he EXPECTS it. Not a request.

stormabruin's picture

Let me ask this. Where did you leave the bra she threw away? I don't guess it was strewn across the couch in the living room or left on the kitchen table...?

asheeha's picture

my gut reaction is to try to get to know her. meet her for coffee or do something girly with her. it's easier for her to hate you if she doesn't know you. if she's not open to one-on-one time with you then have dh invite her for dinner with you there, or go to the zoo with everybody. something like this.

i get the feeling you want her to remain in the kids lives even if you do end up marrying your SO. maybe she would appreciate you being kind to her and letting her know what a great job she does with the kids and how important you feel it is that she be in their lives, always.

maybe she is threatened.

i don't like that she threw something of yours away...it is completely petty. if your bra was left out in the open she should have moved it to his room or something...that isn't a good sign in my mind.

if she simply can't accept you no matter what, dh will just have to lay down the law. and her feelings will have to be trumped. you MUST matter to him more than her. just like our feelings must matter more to DH than the BM's.

stormabruin's picture

I don't even think he has to place more importance on one person's feelings more than the other. I think it really just comes down to setting boundaries & each person staying within their role. Grandmother plays the role of Grandmother. Her position is not that of a partner or a spouse. The Grandmother role does not involve deciding who or what gets to stay in someone else's home.

Just like in a regular family, if everyone will play their part, things will go so much smoother for everyone involved.

asheeha's picture

well, that's certainly a more diplomatic way to put it! Smile

i agree...but i'm sure he will FEEL like he's torn and hurting one of the two. getting him to set proper boundaries would be ideal...however i'm not sure gma will like it very much. change is always hard. i'm sure she has been the rock that has held them all up in a way.

i would say going about it slowly will be the best.

godess-clueless's picture

Wondering how long it has been since the mother died. Also if he has dated others at all. Your ideas of what is going on here may not be the same as the boyfriend 's. or the way he is portaying the situation to the MIL.

Disneyfan's picture

She posted in another thread that she's the first woman he's dated since his wife died. The relationship is still new, less than a year.

Grandma may be trying to protect the kids from getting hurt if this doesn't work out.

The OP's SM experiences thus far are based on fun filled weekends.

Everyone knows things will change once she moves in and moves into the role of full time SM and not daddy's fun friend who visits on the weekends.

If dad can't/won't stand up to his MIL, there's no way in hell he's going to stand up to 2 little girls who have lost their mother.

stormabruin's picture

It's up to dad to be the protective parent & it's up to grandma to respect that as dad's position. Throwing someone else's personal property away because she doesn't like having it present in someone else's home isn't protecting the kids.

Perhaps it has only been fun-filled weekends up to this point, but it can't progress because grandma keeps shoving in where she has no place.

Dad absolutely must stand up to grandma. Honestly, if not for this relationship, for any hopes of success in any future relationship. The longer he lets it go the more permanent this woman's place will become in his home.

MichelleA's picture

You are right - he needs to talk to her! But how do I approach the subject with my boyfriend without upsetting him and coming across as if I am 'nagging' him ? Sad

stormabruin's picture

Let him know you feel like an outsider in his home because of the way MIL is behaving. If you're going to be moving in with him, let him know you need to be able to feel like you belong, & as long as MIL is pushing you out, you can't feel that way.

I think the best way to resolve things is for him to ask her to keep the kids at her house. She's close enough. That keeps her out of his bedroom & away from your things. It keeps her from having to watch SIL's relationship progress (though I would hope she'd be able to be happy for him & the kids, obviously it's difficult for her), & it keeps her from having to smell your perfume. Yes, the last part was stupid to point out, but no more stupid than it is for her to complain about it.

He can go by her place & pick the kids up when he gets off work & bring them home. If she doesn't like it, he needs to make other arrangements. This woman feels too free in his home & what she's doing is wrong.

As far as the comments she's making to the kids about you, that's a real issue. To some it may seem petty, & she may realize the damage she's doing to the kids, but those comments lead to problems with alienation, & it's something your bf needs to take seriously.

He may feel like he's having to choose between you & her, but it really doesn't come down to that. All of the adults need to show courtesy. THAT is in the best interest of the children. Every healthy family has boundaries, & she isn't practicing hers. He needs to respect you, your feelings, & your relationship enough to address those things with her. If he isn't willing to do that much, what you're dealing with now will only escalate with time from here out.

asheeha's picture

This is great advice! If your SO won't or can't understand and set appropriate boundaries then I would not move in until he does. I would also begin to emotionally distance myself from this situation because it will not be good for you in the long run.

godess-clueless's picture

MichellA--- You do not give much information or background that would explain the children's grandmother acting the way she does toward you. You did not mention how long ago the wife died. I think I saw one of your responses that you live 1 1/2 hrs. away. That is some distance, enough to put you in the position of not really knowing that much about the household and the family dynamics. How old are you? How long have you been seeing each other and dating? How old are the children? The combination of all these things can make the difference.

I am a grandmother myself. I also was a widow when my children were young. I have dealt with watching the choices my son made when it came to the girlfriend's he chose during a time when he had custody of his daughter. At the time he lived in a rental house I owned next to where I lived. I was the babysitter when he worked.

Every one of the girlfriends thought they were "the one" Some had jobs, some did not. Most of them would express their plans on moving in with him. One actually did move in. She lasted less then 5 months. He had no plans of making a commitment to any of them other then living together which was a convenience. He knew if it did not work out then it would be the girl who left. Over a time span of several years it was like a revolving door of here today and gone tomorrow.

My present husband had custody of his girls from his 1st marriage. The 2nd wife who was helping him to raise these girls died. According to him, he started dating 3 months after her death. He was just trying to find some kind of familiarity in the "new to him" dating world because he had been married 13 years. On his 4th date to one that he felt fond of, he spent the night listening to her carry on about how difficult it was for her to survive and make ends meet. He needed a sitter. They were dating. Before the night was over he told her she could move in if she wanted. He had no thoughts of marriage. After she moved in, she started conversations with "When we get married" They did get married. It lasted 8 months. I am sure they both felt their perception was the correct version. She thought moving in was the step before marriage. He felt pushed into the situation with her tears, and only wanted a sitter and companionship. Not the commitment.

When I moved to a house next to him he was dating a woman. She lived about an hour away. She had her own home but would come on her day off from work. He was retired, expressed to everyone that she was a girlfriend that would visit on her days off that he in no way planned to marry her. She would come over and clean his house, cook meals, and participate in what ever his interests were. Not once did he ever even make the effort to drive to visit her at her home. She introduced herself as the wife when I first met her. She would leave just enough clothing around to stake her territory. When he told her it was over between them she carried on as if she were the jilted wife. Her perception of what was going on was different then his.

So anyways just a few examples of how things may not appear as we want them to be . But may not be. And in all of this are family who are getting their information from one source.

You need to find out is this guy on the same page as you in regards to how he feels, what he expects to happen in the future. If he is portraying you as just a girlfriend for the moment, grandma would not be all that receptive towards you. Then he needs to express your importance in his life to MIL. If he does not consider is he playing games with you.

MichelleA's picture

I am 42 and he is 38. The children are 10 and 5. Mother died 2 1/2 years ago. We have been dating for 7 months so far. ... all is going well. boyfriend and lw's relationship was bad for at least 3 years before she died... he nearly left her just before she found out she was terminally ill - she was ill for 2 years before she died... making him miserable the whole time. They only got married 9 months before she died as she wanted him to get the widowers allowance. He hasn't been happy for the past 6 years - until I came along. All of his family have accepted me and we all get on great.... he has even mentioned marriage..... I know he is fully commited to this relationship, as I am..... the ONLY problem with have is Lw's mother..

We have talked about marriage....

godess-clueless's picture

If all is as you say then it is time for you and him to sit down with the MIL. Tell her together {kindly] the changes that will be taking place,

My best wishes to you both.

Disneyfan's picture

So he married her for the money he would get once she died. Sounds like a nice guy. :sick:

MichelleA's picture

Nooooo it was HER idea to get married - he didn't want to as he really didn't love her, but wanted to do it as her 'last wish' before she died.... he is a very caring person and puts other peoples feelings before his own.... SHE wanted to get married.... he didn't

Disneyfan's picture

A caring person doesn't talk crap about his dead wife.

If he didn't want to marry her he would have said no.

If he didn't love her, he wouldn't have waited so long to start dating.

It's hard to believe that someone your age (I'm 2 years older) would believe everything someone you're dating tells you.

MichelleA's picture

He DOESN'T talk crap about her!

He hasn't been interested in dating since she died 2 years ago because he has concentrated on the children..... also to be honest he felt that no-one would want him and the girls considering their situation. He was wrong..... I want him.... it just happened between us.... wasn't planned and certainly neither of us expected to fall in love but we have. All of his family have accepted me, have said lots of wonderful things to me and to him and fully support our newly growing 'family'.

I have also been through a hell of a lot over the years - I won't go into detail but I too have had more than my fair share of heartaches...

Why is it so unbelieveable to people that our relationship is 'real' and not just some fling?!!

MichelleA's picture

As for the 'bra' issue - I didn't leave it there on purpose... I think I accidentally left it in his bedroom. Anything I ever take there is always kept in his bedroom... still, does that give LW's mother the right to throw it away or do anything with my things? I don't leave things there on purpose as I know she will do something horrible to them if she finds them! I try and take everything back home with me when I leave.... but it's not her house..... why can't I leave things there instead of trapsing them back and forward every weekend? Sad

stormabruin's picture

If your bf doesn't have a problem with you leaving your things at his house, you should be able to leave your things at his house. Grandma doesn't get to decide whether or not it's okay.

Bras belong in the bedroom. Grandmothers do NOT. She's there a few hours in the evenings to keep an eye on the kids...NOT to rummage & snoop through her SIL's bedroom.

Grandma is overstepping.

MichelleA's picture

Yes, GM has made herself pretty indespensible! she cleans and washes/irons his clothes - all done of her own accord. Mind you in saying this he DOES pay her to do this - she even charges him for a pint of milk if she has to pick some up..... he provides all the food for her as well as his children and even makes sure she has a bit of 'pocket money' to give to the girls each week. If he has to stay away over night (because of his job) he even pays her to do that too!

stormabruin's picture

Okay!

1) He needs to do his own housework or pay someone else to do it.
2) He needs to find someone else to keep his kids after school, or have grandma keep them at her place.
3) He needs to want her out of his business enough to tell her so.

He's given her waaaaay too much play room. If he has money to give her to give the girls each week, he has money to pay for daycare. If she needs to keep them overnight, she can keep them at her place.

If your relationship is going to survive, he's GOT to get her out of his house.

bi's picture

even if i hired someone to clean my house, my bedroom would be the one place that was off limits, i'll clean it myself. MIL has NO business being in SIL's bedroom AT ALL. much less throwing things away that are in there.

stormabruin's picture

The bra was in bf's bedroom...not daughter's. Once upon a time, it was her daughter's but her daughter is no longer there, & hasn't been for 2 years. If a bra rocks her to her knees, she needs to stay out of the bedroom.

Grandma is grieving, but her having a hard time with the loss doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful in someone else's home.

asheeha's picture

i'm responding to Storm and disagree with BlueBell

exactly! it's very immature behavior! and it's unacceptable. it's not a week after her daughter's death. the dad need's to be allowed to move on with his life.

how could any mother truly get over the death of a child...i can't imagine. but she can't keep other people from moving on with their own life and disrespecting his space because of it.

if he's allowing it, he needs to step up to the plate. if he doesn't OP needs to leave them to each other.

PeanutandSons's picture

OP and bf have only been dating for 7 months. They only see each other on the weekends. And yet she is professing that they will be married and that she will be raising those girl. That seems really niave.

7 months is NOT a long time, esp when you conciders all the excess baggage (widower, skids, grandma). I dated my ex for 4 years.... Everything was perfect til the last year when we moved in together. Shit went down hill fast, and we were both single, no kids, no baggage.

That grandma is a part of her bfs life, and a part of the kids life, period. If you want to move in and be a part of their lives too, you need to accept the situation. Yes, boundaries need to be set up (not throwing your stuff out) but you can't come in guns blazing and expect everyone to change for you. You are coming into an established household, not creating a new one from scratch.... Theres a difference.

It honestly doesn't sound like your bf wants anything to change. He didn't address mil throwing your things out, and he didn't address her snide comments about your presence/perfume.

MichelleA's picture

In response - we see each other twice during the week AND every weekend.... we aren't kids who flitter with relationships - this is for keeps... why is it that you think that just because we have only been going out for 7 months that this is just a fling? Sad HE has mentioned marriage and so have the children - I HAVEN'T....

Disneyfan's picture

On your other thread you said you only go there on the weekends.

If you're there twice during the week, and Grandma has the kids at BF's house after school, why haven't you met her yet?

PeanutandSons's picture

I never said it was just a fling, but 7 months is not long enough when you have children involved. Esp when its not even a full time 7 months. You simply shouldn't be making such final commitment decisions so quickly.

You are definitively say that you WILL be marrying him, that you WILL be raising those girls, that you WILL be taking over all the roles that grandma has been playing in the household. You seem to be ignoring the very real possibilty that it may not work out, you are only in the very begining stages of a very complicated relationship. You just seem like you have blinders on to the mine field you are walking into.

And please, objectively think about all this. It's not just your life you are talking about turning upside down. It's your bfs, those girls (who have already been through a lot), and the grandmas. That's a lot of people that have influence on how this works out.

Quite frankly, your bf doesn't sound too committed to this. He's not standing up for you to mil in even the slightest way, nor is he even sparing your feelings by keeping her comments to himself. He's telling you what she said, presumably to get you upset, and then doesn't do anything about it. If he wanted your stuff at his house, he'd have made it happen.

Disneyfan's picture

I wonder if he's cheating.

If so, that would explain the perfume issue and the missing bra. Since the OP has never met Grandma, she's the perfect scape goat.

MichelleA's picture

My boyfriend bought the bra as a set (along with lots of other stuff) - he wouldn't through it out!

MichelleA's picture

God ! The issue is the GM not my boyfriend - his faithfulness doesn't come into it. ! He IS faithful and so am I - I see him at least twice during the week and at weekends. He works all the hours that god sends too - I used to work for the same company so I know it's not a simple 9-5 job. His fidelity is not in question - the GM's actions are!

asheeha's picture

it's true...it will be the hardest thing you will ever do and it will be the hardest thing your SO will ever do if he does it right.

you can't really know what you are getting into until you are married and have been in it for awhile...

asheeha's picture

so what are you going to do MichelleA?

people are letting their imaginations run wild...you know your situation don't worry about what is being said.

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

".... the GM's actions are!"

GM's actions aren't the issue, they are a symptom. She has been given a lot of control in the house by your boyfriend. He is the only one who can take that control away, or at least limit it.

There have been some very good suggestions, like GM watching the kids at her house instead of his and not cleaning his house. If he wants to move on with his life with privacy, then he needs to set those boundaries. This is not cutting GM out of the kids' lives. That hurts her and, more importantly, hurts the children. It is changing the current situation because the surrounding circumstances have changed.

GM may or may not be overstepping, but she was only able to do so because she has been given full access to his home and, by extension, his life. His life is changing, and it would be natural that her access to it should change as well.

This is not a you versus her issue. Regardless of the length or seriousness of the relationship, she is family and always will be. You may be in the future, but are not yet. You get into a battle with her and you are setting yourself up for a very long, uncomfortable existence if you do move in and get married. However, if he doesn't create and enforce clear boundaries, he is setting you both up for a very long, uncomfortable existence.

This is his issue. He has to address it.

Disneyfan's picture

Introduce yourself to MIL. Invite her to lunch or dinner with you and your BF.

Bring up a few of the things your BF has told you.

I bet anything you'll find out the guy has not been telling the truth about her or his relationship with his wife.

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

That's a really interesting approach. I don't know that I would necessarily go in with the sole purpose of mentioning the things he's told you, but let her start talking and see where it goes. You may find out somethings that surprise you, either good or bad. It is possible that she's doing something, he's misinterpreting it (motivation, etc) and then when he tells you it gets further misinterpreted.

Or, she could be controlling and he could be lying.

Either way, it could be a interesting meeting. Her response to the invitation itself might tell you a bit more about the true dynamics of the relationship.

MichelleA's picture

Thank you. I do feel at the moment that I am having to justify my existance (and my relationship) to everyone on here now as well as the GM Sad

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

I can see how some of the posts might make you feel that way, but I think the constant theme with the threads that seem more critical is that you need to be careful with this situation. He needs to handle it. This is an issue of boundaries that he needs to address with someone who, up to this point, has had basically unresticted access to his house and life.

You are the "new kid" in her eyes, and in all reality you are - doesn't mean that you're not sticking around, though. You don't have the history or full knowledge of the situation to fight this battle. It may be her, it may be him, it may be a combination of the two. He had children with his late wife and married her. He became family with the GM. You will be a family with him and his daughter, but will never be family with the GM. That is his family, let him handle it.

Good luck!

ctnmom's picture

Guys, guys! i think ALL of you are missing the big picture here. It's up to Michelle's SO to corall the Gma, and he hasn't for whatever reason, ALL of this is a moot point until he does! So Michelle: Tell SO that you would like him to gently have a "boundries" talk with Gma. Just him and her. If he doesn't, or he does and nothing changes, then you have a SO problem, NOT a Gma problem. Then you go forward from there. Good luck and God bless. Smile

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

Actually, I think that's been mentioned several times. Yours is a bit clearer. The cliff notes version, if you will.