How did we get here?
I'm looking for some input/advice. I know I never intended to wind up in this "evil stepparent" role, I don't think any of you did. My question is, how did we get here? I mean how did we go from meeting the skids to being the bane of their existance? I tried to include my SD15 in all the family activities we do but she refused to participate. I opened my home to her and my children tried to be her friend. But that wasn't good enough for SD. SD hates anyone tha does not make her the center of their world at all times. The emotional blackmail on her parents, the trouble with the police, the self injuries that she blames on others, the lies, the manipulation, and the cruel behavior is out of control. I've disengaged at this point. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I knew there would need to be adjustments on both sides but one person cannot do it alone. I never expected to replace her mother or be her best friend but I did expect to be able to be civil with each other. I honestly don't understand why it has to be this way.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I got lucky, my SD has never been that bad, behavior wise. If she ever did get an attitude, DH was quick to put her in her place.
Your SD seems to have some mental issues that may be inherited, and issues that your SO doesn't know how to deal with, or want to.
Society and our Partners-Spouses
We live in a society that has become so Child centric that it turns my stomach. They are Children and We are the adults. This is no cruel conspiracy to ruin their lives but rather a concept I call Reality.
Frankly, a big part of the blended family and Step issues I see here and have experienced are on our spouses and ourselves. The Concierge parent behavior among remarried people seems insane. For some reason, instead of agreeing that we are starting a new life together as a partnership, instead it becomes that the step parent walks in and we fail to first ensure that our partner is as commited to our marriage as they are to their offspring. After all, we are coming in, accepting these children and fully intending on giving them our all. This means we earned EQUAL status. As a SD of 7 years, I have learned the very hard way that my big mistake was not insisting on an equal partnership where we are the adults and they are the children
How did we get here?
How did we get here?
I take comfort in knowing that it's not about you. SD's behavior is not a reflection on what you did or didn't do. Her parenting by both your H and her BM impacted her a great deal. It's easier to take out her anger and blame you for all her issues. It doesn't matter how good you are to her, it will never be good enough and it's not a burden for you to take on.
You have disengaged which I highly recommend for your own mental well being. SD has mental issues that need to be addressed and it has to be up to her parents to make sure she gets the help she needs. Please know that if it isn't you, it would have been any other women your H would have been with.....
It's not about you darlin'.
It's bizarre isn't it. Twenty
It's bizarre isn't it. Twenty years ago I naively expected that the SDs would have 2 homes and be happy in both. They lived with BM most of time (50/50 does not seem to be common here) but I assumed that when they were with us, they would be very much part of the family. They had their own bedrooms here, filled with their own things and we behaved like we were a family when they were with us.
Rules were different here compared to BM's house. BM did not believe in parenting and operated under the mantra that they must never be told "no". However, at 8 and 10, they were able to adapt to this, just like they had different rules in school.
IF they had had a reasonable BM, I think this would have continued to be successful. But when you have a BM who is dripfeeding poison, it's very hard to make it a success. Both SDs learned very quickly not to say what they'd done at ours or if they'd had a nice time. If they did admit to enjoying themselves, BM drank even more than usual and verbally ripped them apart, as well as threatening to kill herself or simply not be there when they came back from ours. So then they learned what they needed to do to make sure mommy thinks she's the favourite. and sometimes, that meant not coming over at all. So many of us on here have seen how children are desperate to earn the love and acceptance of the parent who's behaved the worst.
Add teenage years to this mix, where they're testing boundaries and seeing what they can get away with and the situation becomes even more volatile. They can play one parent off against the other so any attempt at discipline is almost impossible when you have a BM telling them they don't have to listen to or respect DH/SM - and they don't even have to visit at all if they don't want to. "THAT woman has taken your father away from you'' and "Your father doesn't love you any more; he only loves HER" were just 2 of the comments they heard on a regular basis.
Now if it was a reasonable BM, who could be pleased that her children were happy, having a nice time and being looked after when they were in DH's home, there would be much less of a problem. Children wouldn't feel the need to 'pick sides' (even if they don't always realise that's what they're doing). They would get away with less bad behaviour if both parents backed up the other - and they would surely be more settled. I know we complain as step parents but I tell you what, I wouldn't have lived my SDs' lives at their mother's house for anything.
Obviously it's not always a BM who causes the problem - but I bet there's a vast majority of SMs on here whose lives would have been very different and infinitely better without the input of a spiteful, vindictive and jealous BM. And those that don't probably have a DH problem. Put both together...well, there's probably more chance of winning the lottery than achieving a happy functional family.
Honestly, everything was not on the table and clearly visible
before I took "the plunge." I guess SD thought I was just DH's "ass on the side" or something. I knew she was a classic narc within the first 2 meetings, and just patiently waited for her to show her cards. As long as I was only "dating daddy" the issues were minimal. These "adult" SD's all use the same verbiage to daddy, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her." Translation: She calls it like she sees it. "It always has to be HER WAY." Translation: I'm no longer queen puss. There's a new sheriff in town. She is more educated than me, very attractive, and she cooks, cleans and does everything I don't do. I feel threatened and jealous. When we announced we'd gotten married, she looked like she had been upper cut by Ali, and there was a very pregnant pause, and finally she managed to aske, "Dad, DID YOU HAVE A PRENUP?????!!!!" No "Congrats, that's great." Her husband said that! Once we married the walrus vampire fangs came out in full force. No matter how much I cooked when they came around, or cleaned up after them, or how nice I was, the shitty behavior just escalated.
Honestly, how I "got here" was I fell in love with a man I thought would have my back in EVERY situation, one who would be a stand up gentleman under all conditions, as that had been what he showed me for many years while we dated. What I learned along the way is blood really is thicker than water, and many a man can masquerade as a successful, man's man, when in reality they are hopelessly devoted damaged goods daaaaddeees when it comes to their "kids," no matter how old the daddy or the kids are. "Where your treasure is, there will also be your heart."
I followed my heart, and THAT is HOW I GOT HERE. My grandmother always said, "The head bone is connected to the heart bone, and we must not let them come apart." There's a lot of truth to that.
I thought my expectations
I thought my expectations were reasonable. I just wanted to be accepted as a part of dad's life. No need to be close but also no fighting. I', engaged right now so I', trying to figure out if I should step away or stay. My so does support me and prioritize time with me but SD15 only wants him all to herself. SD has been doing this for years and my SO has lost several relationships to this drama. Yes, BM is mentally ill and mentally disabled. She is bi-polar and not on meds and she is mildly mentally retarded. I do feel the SO does truly love me but is overwhelmed by SD and BM's drama. His emotions are a mess and many nights are spent with him crying about how his own daughter is being so unreasonable and selfish. He tried medication for SD's mental illness (separation anxiety, social anxiety, depression, general anxiety, ADHD, ODD and other that are currently being explored for diagnosis) but BM always convinves SD to stop taking the meds because Bm says "you don't need them". He has her in counseling but she is not willing to accept any help because she "already knows". She is failinf 2 subjects in school and refuses her tutors help because she says "I know how to do it" even though her grades clearly show she does not. SD claims that "The teacher is doing this because she hates me." even tough the grade is not a relection of her relationship with the teacher but rather her ability to do the work. Sd has already after only 3 months began threatening other students at school with physical harm and she claims it's not her fault because she "can't help it". How can a BM and child not see if the child and the BM have abosolutely no one else in their lives that want to speak to them or be around them is a sign that something is not working right. How can BM and SD advocate the childs right to not practice good hygine? I've disengaged and so have my children but now SD runs around telling people I'm so mean for not talking to her and that I verball abuse her by yelling at her all the time, I don't speak to her at all unless her father is present and only what is necessary to be civil. I am trying to explain to my SO my expectations of our future marriage and he agrees, so far. I went into this relationship without expecting much from SD but rather feeling I had no experience with this type of situation and just hoping if I was kind and supportive it would at least be ok. It's not. Without consulting her father Sd has banned me from entering her fathers home (which he did not accept but did not punish her for doing so) and anytime I am ther cries "Why is she here?" We are both tired of the needless drama and the selfish need to interrupt everything because she cannot handle not having ALL attention being on her. I want to stay but I want to leave at the same time too.
I think your expectations
I think your expectations were very reasonable. Those were mine also. Just wanted to get along and be civil. SD was in college when DH and I started dating. I had no idea she considered DH her property. I found out after we were married that she even called him "my guy". Like someone said it wasn't me it would have been anyone that DH had the nerve to date let alone marry. SD is mentally ill. DH will not accept that his princess in sick. She now has a kid of her own. She has stated to DH that she is recreating her childhood for her kid. So I am not even allowed to exist. I have never been allowed to even see her kid. DH goes along with her fantasy world because he is afraid of her. If he doesn't jump though her hoop she pulls the plug on him and doesn't allow him to see his grandkid. DH will not stand up to her. How did I get here. I married a man that gave all the power to his children. I married a man who along with BM raised 2 narcissistic sick kids. Like someone said in another post controlling BM and weak DH = the stephell I now live in. My expectations were nothing more than be treated the same way I was treating them. Bio parents are in total control how the relationship with Stepparents turn out. If they don't have your back and make it clear to their children no matter what age, that you are a team you don't have a chance in hell. It doesn't matter what your expectations are. My DH's line is he has no control over his kids actions. The truth is he afraid of his own children and knows they are the ones in control. He won't stand up to them for himself let alone his wife. Sickness breeds sickness. I married into something that was very sick long before I came along. If I had seen that I would not be here now. DH and BM stayed "married" for the kids. They had no marriage lived in seperate bedrooms lived seperate lives. The kids never once saw Mom and Dad hold hand, kiss anything. This was the example of marriage they were shown. They were allowed to use their parents against each other. They we made substitutes for their parents spouses. In all of the family pictures of DH I have seen his nieces and nephews wedding pictures etc. Not one has BM in it. Only DH and his 2 kids. Not one vacation picture of DH, BM and the kids. Only DH and the kids. BM has the pictures of her and the kids seperate vacations. Not one school activity with both parents. SD andSS consider themselves DH's spouse. They feel he cheated on them with me. Very very sick. This is the marriage they stayed in for the kids. This is what the kids think marriage is. Kids come first period. Spouse is expendable. BM and DH raised their kids in this sick environment. Now the kids are sick narcisstic people and they are surprised. No surprise now for me how this stephell came about. It was created by DH and BM. I married a man who was already emotionally married to his children. Very sick
I too saw signs that things
I too saw signs that things were not "normal" with SD and SO from the beginning. I asked SO about it and he just brushed it off because SD is young and BM taught her that was the way to act. I mean seriously Sd watched us sitting on the couch and I was petting So's arm and rubbing his back. Next thing I know SD jumps up and tells me to move she wants to try doing the same to her dad. Her dad said it's not the same thing. Twice SD15 has barged in on us in the middle of the night while we were in bed being intimate. I found out later she did that because Sd does not want us doing that in our own bed, in our own bedroom, after the day is over because she is in the house. SD threw a fit when we installed locks on his bedroom door because she claims it's not fair to her because she claims she need full access to SO's bedroom at all times without the need to ask permission. The first night the locks were on the doors at 1:30 am SD tries to open the bedroom door then starts slamming the door sounding like she is trying to force the door open to break the lock. SD's excuse was her cat wanted the door open. So is so tired of SD's lack of respect and failure to give him any privacy. I mean seriously why would a 15 year old girl constantly be on the bathroom door when her father is showering, going to the bathroom, and basic hygine needs because she "can't handle being locked out of the room" he is in. BM has seen me in person all of 3 times and we have not spoken ever. But BM tells SD how I'm an evil witch and how I'm "stealing" her dad because I spend time with him. We scheduled our nights togethr and split them evenly between the 2 homes and ensure we both get alone time with our own children on specific nights. We both have kids and think that is fair. I do not try to be SD's mom, even though SD asked to call me mom, because I felt it was crossig a line that BM would not approve of. BM goes on rants about me that degrade and accuse me of things I have never done. SD lies and accuses me of verbally abusing her. I'm so cruel because I politely tell her not to be a foul dirty creature by removing her underwear from the kitchen table, properly disposing of femine hygine products, clean the toilet seat after use if SD gets something on it, not to go into the kitchen and shave her legs in the kitchen using a soup bowl full of water to clean her razor, not to steal and wear used men's underwear, and how to properly do laundry so that she has clean clothes in one piece. So I stopped and disengaged entirely from her. Now I'm cruel because I'm not allowing her to be the centr of my attention or doing things for my biological children because she says I'm not making her feel welscome when I do that. I can guarentee you that BM is using some form of emotional blackmail to make SD feel that by being cruel to me and my children is the only way to love BM at all. Oh well, just leave us alone then but SD won't and instead seeks us out to purposely try to make us acknowledge her and cries the blues about how cruel we are when we ignore her attention seeking behavior. So and I have been planning our future together after the kids move out. But SO proved to me how he is scared of his own daughter by asking to keep it a secret from SD because Sd will not be able to handle it and throw a fit starting today. It's sad but oh so real.
Not one word about your SO in
Not one word about your SO in your original post or the other's for that matter. Where does daddy come into this mix. When do you gain clarity that this guy is a POS, failed parent who has facilitated his toxic spawn polluting your life?
smh