I've been torn on having a baby together. Our relationship has been amazing this year. He cur BM out and realized what a piece of crap she is and minimized all contact. Immediately things got better can freely speak about our issues with SS and he gets now that I'm not malicious.
We are having problems with SS (5 years old). Hes been inappropriately touching kids at school and things have been a bit of a mess with him. I'm still pretty disnehaged, though I have been trying a bit to connect. It's just hard with the issues.
I'm almost 35. My kids are 10 and almost 7. They're wonderful boys. I share custody with them 50/50 with their dad (who I consider a friend).
I keep bouncing back and forth. My eldest was a rotten baby (colic. I was alone in a secluded province for majority of my marriage). So my baby experience hasn't been the best. No help.
I can't shake the idea of wanting a baby with my DF. but I can't commit to it either
I went off BC this month due to some health stuff, and have been so cautiously tracking my cycle....its exhausting not knowing which direction to go.
How did you decide? I dont want more drama with his family (his crazy ex is under CAS investigation and lives with his mother.) But I dont want to regret not having a mutual child either. ack.
I feel like other people wont understand the complexity of this choice.
I guess the thing that stuck out to me... his 5yr old is inappropriately touching other kids.
Are you not worried about your possible baby being abused? I would have a HUGE concern there.
Having a newborn is difficult. It's even more difficult if you have to worry about another child in the house hurting the baby. I had to deal with this with my formerSO and his foul kid. I left. It was 10000% the best thing for me and my baby. If you have a baby and SS does something, will you be ready to leave to protect your baby?
1000% a concern. I wasnt sure if I was justified in that thought train, to be honest. I mentioned it the other night to him when we were talking about it.
He's had many meetings with the principal, the CAS worker and is getting referrals for therapy. The CAS guy told him it's very common and basically told him it's not a worry (which is why I told myself not to freak out, I guess...But the principal was worried).
I dont know what the driving force is. I think we are just amazing together and we could create and raise an epic little human. It sucks we had to go through our pasts before we met. Mainly his... :/
I'm sorry - I'm going to be blunt: that is a romantic fantasy. You will be raising a kid in a tough situation, with 3 half-siblings, one of whom already has significant issues at age 5; and with a crazy ex-wife breathing down your neck. There is not a small chance you will end up divorced again and your "epic" child will have to go through that as well.
Please think with your head and not with your heart.
No need for apologies. That's why I asked here. It's a total head vs heart battle.
We've been together for 4 years. Though hell. We're not low life dummies either, despite how I feel my messages come off. We've created a very successful business together, our relationship is amazing. The main problem is his ex (though she's been much less of an issue since he stopped engaging about a year ago) and the growing concerns with his kid; which I do realize are huge.
I didn't ask to hear about rainbows and unicorns. Hearing the blunt truth helps.
Exactly this!! I feel this is similar to getting married- You don't do it if you aren't sure it's what you really want. So, don't do it, or at least wait until you have more clarity.
Keep in mind that adding a baby to the mix is going to make the situation harder, not easier. There's jealousy from skids, trying to treat everyone equal, etc. etc. Don't forget to factor that into the equation.
I had these feelings a little while back. DH and I would have made the cutest kids! I just know we would have. We are very in sync with parenting and I feel very secure in my marriage. BM is crazy but everything is great....
NO WE ARE NOT HAVING MORE KIDS! I have 2, DH has 2. Our youngest is 11. We are in the home stretch now, baby! No matter how cute they would be, they are expensive. CS is already being paid out to BM2. We don't need to worry about daycare. Also, I am moving forward in my career, why would I want a set back?? We are to the place where we can do fun things with our kids! Cruises, beach days where I can sit in the sand and monitor- not be hovering over them, concerts, etc.
You guys are approaching the fun stuff too! In just a few years you guys can do crazy fun things together- no more paw patrol! No more mickey mouse club house! This next stage is great! Embrace your growing children and enjoy what is to come!
If u yourself are still deliberating on whether this is a good idea that is a telling sign.
Try to determine where your indecisiveness comes from
And consider the impact on your already hectic family life.
But don't let outside forces determine your future with your DF.
If you really want a child with him, then have a child with him.
Drama will be their no matter what. The fact is they're his ex family and they're 'ex' for a reason. They are not important and their opinions should not matter to you or your DF.
If you are truly committed and happy-don't let anyone tell you you can't also share a biological child. It is a totally natural instinct to want to procreate, but you need to be logical in deciding whether this is something you can handle xurrently.
Also his 5 year old sounds like he needs some help and has potentially been abused himself.
I would try to get to the root of that issue before introducing another member into the mix.
Thanks everyone. I'll re-read this all 1000 times. I'm not making a dumb, impulsive decision by any means. I appreciate the time taken to write the replies.
How to decide if you want a 'we' baby?
Excuse any typos, I'm on my phone.
I've been torn on having a baby together. Our relationship has been amazing this year. He cur BM out and realized what a piece of crap she is and minimized all contact. Immediately things got better can freely speak about our issues with SS and he gets now that I'm not malicious.
We are having problems with SS (5 years old). Hes been inappropriately touching kids at school and things have been a bit of a mess with him. I'm still pretty disnehaged, though I have been trying a bit to connect. It's just hard with the issues.
I'm almost 35. My kids are 10 and almost 7. They're wonderful boys. I share custody with them 50/50 with their dad (who I consider a friend).
I keep bouncing back and forth. My eldest was a rotten baby (colic. I was alone in a secluded province for majority of my marriage). So my baby experience hasn't been the best. No help.
I can't shake the idea of wanting a baby with my DF. but I can't commit to it either
I went off BC this month due to some health stuff, and have been so cautiously tracking my cycle....its exhausting not knowing which direction to go.
How did you decide? I dont want more drama with his family (his crazy ex is under CAS investigation and lives with his mother.) But I dont want to regret not having a mutual child either. ack.
I feel like other people wont understand the complexity of this choice.
I guess the thing that stuck
I guess the thing that stuck out to me... his 5yr old is inappropriately touching other kids.
Are you not worried about your possible baby being abused? I would have a HUGE concern there.
Having a newborn is difficult. It's even more difficult if you have to worry about another child in the house hurting the baby. I had to deal with this with my formerSO and his foul kid. I left. It was 10000% the best thing for me and my baby. If you have a baby and SS does something, will you be ready to leave to protect your baby?
1000% a concern. I 2asnr
1000% a concern. I wasnt sure if I was justified in that thought train, to be honest. I mentioned it the other night to him when we were talking about it.
Hell yeah you are justified.
Hell yeah you are justified. How did he respond?
If it was, "oh he wouldn't do that", you have a problem and I wouldn't even consider bringing a baby into that.
Inappropriate touching is a BIG DEAL. What is dad (and BM for that matter) doing to *hopefully correct the issues?
Mom's not doing anything.
Mom's not doing anything. She's the issue.
He's had many meetings with the principal, the CAS worker and is getting referrals for therapy. The CAS guy told him it's very common and basically told him it's not a worry (which is why I told myself not to freak out, I guess...But the principal was worried).
Between you, you have 3
Between you, you have 3 children? Why more? You can have a relationship with someone that's healthy and fulfilling without having a child with him.
That's correct.
That's correct.
I dont know what the driving force is. I think we are just amazing together and we could create and raise an epic little human. It sucks we had to go through our pasts before we met. Mainly his... :/
I'm sorry - I'm going to be
I'm sorry - I'm going to be blunt: that is a romantic fantasy. You will be raising a kid in a tough situation, with 3 half-siblings, one of whom already has significant issues at age 5; and with a crazy ex-wife breathing down your neck. There is not a small chance you will end up divorced again and your "epic" child will have to go through that as well.
Please think with your head and not with your heart.
No need for apologies. That
No need for apologies. That's why I asked here. It's a total head vs heart battle.
We've been together for 4 years. Though hell. We're not low life dummies either, despite how I feel my messages come off. We've created a very successful business together, our relationship is amazing. The main problem is his ex (though she's been much less of an issue since he stopped engaging about a year ago) and the growing concerns with his kid; which I do realize are huge.
I didn't ask to hear about rainbows and unicorns. Hearing the blunt truth helps.
When in doubt DO NOTHING.
When in doubt DO NOTHING.
You would not second guess yourself or question having another baby IF you know the marriage was ready.
Best wishes.
Exactly this!! I feel this is
Exactly this!! I feel this is similar to getting married- You don't do it if you aren't sure it's what you really want. So, don't do it, or at least wait until you have more clarity.
Keep in mind that adding a baby to the mix is going to make the situation harder, not easier. There's jealousy from skids, trying to treat everyone equal, etc. etc. Don't forget to factor that into the equation.
I had these feelings a little
I had these feelings a little while back. DH and I would have made the cutest kids! I just know we would have. We are very in sync with parenting and I feel very secure in my marriage. BM is crazy but everything is great....
NO WE ARE NOT HAVING MORE KIDS! I have 2, DH has 2. Our youngest is 11. We are in the home stretch now, baby! No matter how cute they would be, they are expensive. CS is already being paid out to BM2. We don't need to worry about daycare. Also, I am moving forward in my career, why would I want a set back?? We are to the place where we can do fun things with our kids! Cruises, beach days where I can sit in the sand and monitor- not be hovering over them, concerts, etc.
You guys are approaching the fun stuff too! In just a few years you guys can do crazy fun things together- no more paw patrol! No more mickey mouse club house! This next stage is great! Embrace your growing children and enjoy what is to come!
If u yourself are still
If u yourself are still deliberating on whether this is a good idea that is a telling sign.
Try to determine where your indecisiveness comes from
And consider the impact on your already hectic family life.
But don't let outside forces determine your future with your DF.
If you really want a child with him, then have a child with him.
Drama will be their no matter what. The fact is they're his ex family and they're 'ex' for a reason. They are not important and their opinions should not matter to you or your DF.
If you are truly committed and happy-don't let anyone tell you you can't also share a biological child. It is a totally natural instinct to want to procreate, but you need to be logical in deciding whether this is something you can handle xurrently.
Also his 5 year old sounds like he needs some help and has potentially been abused himself.
I would try to get to the root of that issue before introducing another member into the mix.
Thanks everyone. I'll re
Thanks everyone. I'll re-read this all 1000 times. I'm not making a dumb, impulsive decision by any means. I appreciate the time taken to write the replies.