How to deal MIL that can't let the past go
I know I've posted a little about this before. I also want to say thank you to everyone here as it's made me see that I'm not the only one in these crazy situations. This board has also helped me to figure some things out and make better choices in this step life....
The one thing that keeps seeming to cause issues is my MIL. I don't even think she means to do it. I FINALLY figured it out last week, though, after a talk with DH about everything. Basically when DH was married to BM, my step kids (11 and 16) had their mother, followed my MIL, then followed by DH...if that makes sense. All of a sudden, MIL's actions became crystal clear. It is almost like BM and MIL were in a parenting relationship together and they just booted DH to the side. MIL watched kids if BM went out of town, not DH, even if he was home. She'd come clean their house, cook, get the kids from school, etc. And I think this was all created by BM and MIL, they are both very old school...the women do everything kind of mentality.
So...it makes sense now why MIL took DH's divorce so hard and always inserted herself into MY household initially when it came to SKs, and she inserted herself as if she was BM's advocate which drove me crazy since it was always going against her own son's wishes. I think she shed more tears after the divorce than BM. She is still crying about it alot of times, and oh whoa is this and oh whoa is that.
MIL would not (in the past before we had our shared child a year ago) leave the SK's alone with me, but would bring them over and literally stay at my house until DH got home or just simply not bring them over until DH got home (9/10 & 14/15 at the time) She would interupt SD and I talking about going to get school supplies....saying things like "don't you want daddy to take you" Problem is the kids kids love me and like being with me and going places. And SD did want ME to take her to get school supplies....and didn't care if DH was there or not. It was stuff like that ALL the time. This whole OMG the kids are here this weekend....please roll out the red carpet and put the whole world on pause to make sure they are okay.
It's just all these little things. She's known to be the kindest, sweetest, most giving woman....but I just don't get the warm and fuzzies from her. I think she blames me since her life has now changed and she is no longer BM's other half. On the flip side, I gave her another grandchild that she adores.....but at the end of the day....SKs and BM come before the new baby...and she pretty much told me that recenlty.
Sorry for rambling.....it just gets old. I try to be kind and respectful and I understand she is older but she's always calling DH and crying and she's so worried about upsetting BM or SK"s.........but she's never once worried about upsetting her son.....not one single time. Ever.
And before anyone says anything, I am a nice person IRL and only vent here. I am super nice and kind to my MIL and SK's no matter what I might vent about on here. Because at the end of the day I do love my DH and I am doing my best.
I don't know even know if my
I don't know even know if my point came across! haha. I am just saying that MIL's presence often feels like BM herself is present and just stirring it up. She is trying to almost maintain a seperation between me and SK's, which I could undertand but me and SK's have no real issues.
They are so kind and sweet and even thoughtful to me. We have never even had a moment of negativity. MIL is always on the defense and can't just let happiness be........I often think DH should just have her go back to helping BM...as maybe it will make her happier.
Why is your H not talking to
Why is your H not talking to his mother about this control dynamic that she seems to have with his kids? Have you spoken to your H about MIL respecting your role in his life and the step kids? What actions is he taking if any to remedy this whole situation?
Yes he has spoken to her. It
Yes he has spoken to her. It’s hard because MIL is nice about it and it comes across as “I just care and worry about the kids.”
I sort of feel like she’s hiding behind the niceness. She is one of those people that keeps her thoughts and opinions to herself, but a lot of her actions tell all.
my DHs words to her just fall on deaf ears. At the end of the day she sided with BM and never DH and anything involving kids.
Ah yes. She is an old school
Ah yes. She is an old school "bless your heart" southern witch.
I'm all for being nice to the
I'm all for being nice to the kids no matter what the adult crazy quotient is, but you don't have to take that from an adult. Maybe drawing some boundaries would be appropriate. I'm not the best drawer of boundaries myself, but I already endured one crazy b&*ch MIL and I'm sure not putting up with a 2nd. Fortunately, new MIL is basically MIA and my step-MIL could not be kinder (has some outdated ideas, but no one seems in my IL extended family seems the least bit reluctant to let her know that).
I agree I need to set some
I agree I need to set some boundaries. I think when DH and BM were married there were no boundaries and she was in their relationship for 20 plus years....she’s the one who forced DHs hand into marrying BM....
with me...she didn’t and doesn’t have any say over our relationship or our shared child. We are MUCH older parents than most to a 1 year old so I don’t think she has the nerve to try and get in the middle at this point....but she can’t help it with the step kids.
Your MIL knows what she is
Your MIL knows what she is doing. She has not been diagnosed with Dementia has she? Early onset?
Your husband should handle this by telling his mommy to back off.
Go to a few sessions with a Family and Marriage Counselor--they are specific NOT a LSCW but a F and M counselor, usually a Doctor. Tell them whats going on.....hahahahaha
Have fun in those sessions. Husband will get the picture quickly.
She hasn’t. But she does take
She hasn’t. But she does take a lot of anti anxiety meds and I often wonder sometimes if she’s taken too many.
everyone in my house could benefit from counseling!! No doubt.
My MIL is very similar, and
My MIL is very similar, and when she gets chummy with BM, DH just simply stops inviting her to things. She can either be Team DH or Team BM, but he's not going to allow her to continue to play both sides to her advantage.
MIL is currently very peeved that DH missed a thing for OSS (DH did forget after having worked 70 hours last week while I was out of state for business). And she's very peeved that she hasn't been invited to the currently non-existent birthday party we're having for the boys. She has called DH no less than 4 times asking about when it's going to be and asking that she be invited. She even had BM ask DH to invite her!
Unless your DH is okay with this situation, he has the ability to control it. He can tell MIL to drop the kids off, or that you're going to pick them up. No choice in her sticking around. When she drops them off to you, immediately put them in the car to go somewhere. You are your DH's proxy in his absence, not MIL. What you say trumps her, and if she doesn't like it, your DH can handle all things dealing with her. Including facilitating a relationship with her outside your home.
My MIL is NOT happy that I have boundaries with her and that DH has set boundaries with her as it relates to her time with him and his kids. Too bad. Fraternize with the cheating bimbo who left your son and has made his life hell and you'll get the short end of the stick.
I don't know that my MIL has
I don't know that my MIL has ever been Team DH during this whole thing. She actually said to me recently, that "she is the skids only stability" but that is a LIE and I really don't even know why she thinks that. Albeit, BM is a nut and an alcoholic and I personally don't trust her...she's still not a horrible mom to skids and DH is a good dad....so if the skids have 2 parents....why does MIL think the wellbeing of the skids is her responsibility? So weird.
She also thinks we should do this or that when skids are there....like we should never go out by ourselves for a date night if skids are there....or if skids ask for something or to go somewhere....we just act immediately. Uh NO.......and she's always calling when they are at our house asking "how are they feeling" "are they sick" "make sure they get rest" "do they need any help" It is lunacy, man!
My formerMIL was like this;
My formerMIL was like this; except not team bm.
She was a lunatic about skid. Super unhealthy need to be constantly babying. It was weird af.
YES! I wonder if there
YES! I wonder if there something to it....the constant need to be babying is totally the way it is.
MIL spent a small amount of time at our house while she was buying a new house and she would wake up at 6 AM on school days to come in the kitchen and make SKs their lunch...in MY kitchen where I was already in the process of making skids and biokids lunches. Then anytime we have her over for dinner....the moment dinner is ready she gets panic stricken racing around trying to make the skids plates first while her voice is all shaky loud and cracking as she calls them to dinner ..and then cuts up their food like their toddlers.....these kids are 11 and 16 mind you.
Family meeting.
Is it possible for you, your dear husband, and your mother in law to sit down and openly address these issues? You and your husband as a united front, demanding better for your now blended family. Does MIL have any hobbies or interests of her own besides hovering and over-meddling in her grown son’s life?
DH has tried many times, it
DH has tried many times, it just ends with her crying and yelling and then he feels bad. She has approached me about it but it lead nowhere. She's firm on her stance that BM and Skids are the priority. She didn't flat out say it, but that's what she meant and somehow it's my fault for causing this problem.
She does have hobbies, interests and alot of friends. That's the thing...she is so so worried about skids and inserting herself in the middle of it all but she NEVER has skids spend the night with her and we RARELY ever see her on the days DH has the skids. If you care so much, then where are you? Why aren't you spending time with them? She ONLY spends time with them when BM asks her to.
OP, your MIL sounds like a
OP, your MIL sounds like a narcissist. Have you ever read r/justnomil on Reddit? You can find some like minded people on there.
I will check it out, thanks!
I will check it out, thanks!
HOLY MOLY!
Your MIL is a replica of my FMIL. Few examples---My SO's ex was invited to live with her, and now lives in the house behind them. Not to mention she just comes and goes from his parents house as she pleases. Oh and theres family day lol, you would think my SO and I would be going to that....no she is with SD. LOL its comical at this point... Just recently my SO blew his top off at them. It was well over due. All has been quiet, but I am sure it wont last long. But lord i know the feeling its a shitty one. Hang in there, I hope your MIL has a reality check.
Your MIL does not respect you
Your MIL does not respect you. Spend as little time with her as possible and don't jump through hoops trying to win her over. She sounds horrible, a fake meanie.
Thank you and yes I agree. I
Thank you and yes I agree. I was hoping it wasn't the case, but it's becoming pretty clear that she has zero respect for me.
This is going to sound weird...by my DH was MISERABLE in his previous marriage and tried so long to stay for the kids and did for some 15 years. Now he is happy and his mom is always commenting on the changes in him....like he does things he wouldn't normally do (like act silly, do funny dances, go shopping with me, be romantic, etc.) She alwasy looks in shock when he does these things.....SHE DOESNT like it and I can tell. I think she preferred him when he was miserable. I can feel a glare she is giving me when he and I are acting silly and lovey to each other.......
Oh I can relate to this. MIL
Oh I can relate to this. MIL wants to be the #1 woman in DHs life forever and attempts to use SD to maintain that position. Alot of the time this means portraying my other kids and myself (but especially ODS8) as evil interlopers that are taking away SDs time and attention and only MIL can save her and fix things. Were supposed to revolve our entire lives around just one child that doesnt even live with us half the time.