How to cope for two weeks!
Forums:
Hello all,
My future SS4 is with us for two weeks. He is very disrespectful, disobedient, and never ever stops talking. In short, the child is not pleasant to be around. DFH has an issue with disciplining him. He has his own daddy issues and feels like he was treated too harshly as a child and as a result wants to give more grace to his own. SS4 literally laughs in his face when he even remotely tries to verbally rebuke him. How do I cope with being in the same space 24/7 for the next two weeks?
If you don't know how you're
If you don't know how you're going to cope with being in the same space with this kid for 2 weeks, why in the world are you planning to marry this man who won't parent his child? What visitation does your SO usually have?
He usually has every other
He usually has every other weekend. I love him very much and he treats me better than I have ever been treated.
Welcome to the site!
Whether or not he wants to "give more grace" as you put it to his child, if he allows him to laugh in his face when corrected, can you imagine what the boy is going to be like at 10, or perish the thought, 15? An out of control, obnoxious brat who will probably by then be on the wrong side of the law. Do you really want to buy into 15 or 20 yrs of this kind of stress? I know I wouldn't.
I know *sad* but I don't know
I know *sad* but I don't know what to do. I'm not asking him to be punitive for no reason, but to have consequences for his poor behavior. It's already tricking into other areas. His behavior is so poor that he earned a U in conduct in his PRE-K class.
4 year olds are not fun when
4 year olds are not fun when you're not able to discipline them. I really don't know how you're going to cope for a couple weeks I think I would find a lot of things to do outside of the house. Don't let your so pawn off the hard work of parenting onto you.
I try to make myself scarce
I try to make myself scarce but it's almost like my SO doesn't want me to leave him alone with his own kid.
My SO used to be like that
My SO used to be like that too, when he needed me around as a security blanket I would be there but check out. Whenever he looks at you pleading for you to help or do something justbpkay dumb. If he wants help make him specifically ask for exactly what he needs.
One time my husband left and expected me to do SDs hair after a shower. I told him my dad did that for me, he can do it. You might try this tactic, or just look at him and say "you can do it" you can even ask him why he's so insecure about parenting. Depending on his personality you can challenge him and give him a look like don't you know what you're doing?
I definitely put everything
I definitely put everything off on him. I do cook our meals but I don't get the child ready, bath him, anything. Unless he asks to help in some way, I don't volunteer myself.
How to cope
you leave. Give them LOTS of space. Go for walks. Go somewhere else in the house. Do not help your partner with disrespectful child.
Are you "allowed" to tell child no and do not do xyz? Then definitely put all food prep and cleaning on your partner.
Thats all Ive got.
You can try having a major discussion with your partner (or several).
I am allowed, but once he
I am allowed, but once he became upset at me, because he felt I was too harsh and screamed at him (I did not, stern voice yes, but not scream), so since then, I just disengaged from dicipline unless the child is doing something particularly egregious and even then I don't do what I feel needs to be done or say what needs to be said out of fear my partner won't like my tone.
If your DFH is going to
If your DFH is going to second guess everything you do to parent this child, then he is not allowing you to parent and he needs to be the parent.
Unparented children are miserable to be around. It's not entirely their fault, because they are unparented (sort of like when a dog misbehaves, it's not the dog's fault, it's the owners fault), but the older they get the more it becomes their fault, even if they should know better.
I agree with the advice above, find other things for yourself to do and give your DFH and his disrespectful child plenty of father / son time. I would also seriously think about what you can put up with for the next 14 years at least and have a serious talk with your DFH where you set expectations for your home.
I would really re-think
I would really re-think getting married until he shows some willingness to learn how to parent adequately. He can discipline without being abusive, and he's ruining his kid with his lack of parenting. You may love him, but you will likely come to resent him in the future once you've lived with this kid for a while.
Love really isn't enough - and while he may treat you well in some areas, letting his kid run wild is an example of NOT treating you well or respecting your need for a peaceful home.
You know how people often say
You know how people often say they didn't have an warning signs? This post is your warning sign.
Ever think about if
BM get sick, finds a new boy toy, and you have have SS full time. Or DH gets 50/50 visitation. Then what ??
Things happen in life. If you can not take SS now. What about the future
I understand that, and I don
I understand that, and I don't have a problem with the child just for existing, I have a problem with his behavior, which I know is a result of his fathers poor parenting. I just want to have some peace. I want to help him find strategies to parent him so that we both can be happy. He doesn't say it but the look on his face everyday is that he is absolutely miserable being around his son because of his behavior. He moped around and constantly talks about being stressed. I am trying to help while coping myself.
He's the only one who can
He's the only one who can solve this problem. He has to work through his fear of being abusive to his son by disciplining him, and see that good parenting requires discipline and structure. He's actually failing the child that he loves because of his own issues. Would he agree to therapy? Even couples counseling if that's easier?
You have a DFH problem. If he
You have a DFH problem. If he can't/won't parent a four year old, he'll never be able to parent a mouthy teen. He needs parenting classes, and possible therapy to help him recover from his own childhood. He THINKS he's showing love to the child, but he's doing him a huge disservice by not preparing him for the real world outside of Daddy's protection.
I'd seriously make that a condition of a continuing relationship with him.
This isn't a kid problem.
This isn't a kid problem. This is a problem with your future husband. Major red flag that he is unable to parent, gets defensive, and blames you. Would you even WANT to have a child with him? Let alone, be around when his kid comes over EOWD? I would rethink the relationship. Just because he has "treated you the best" so far, doesn't mean someone else can treat you better than him. Also, if someone is getting mad/blaming me for their child's behavior... I wouldn't consider that treating me well. If anything, he is belittling your feelings and not taking you into consideration.
Based on the description, why
Based on the description, why would you want to be with this toxic spawn and his failed father with daddy issues for one minute much less for a lifetime of a strained marriage polluted even by the intermittent presence and influence of this kid?
are you going to make
are you going to make yourself scarse from your own home for the next decade everytime the skid comes over to stay?? i should think not! he is dismissing your feelings ,, why would you want to marry this man? I dont think its treating you well. He needs to work on his own daddy issues first ,, then parent his child second ,, then after all this ,, if he is willing to take on board your feelings/opinions ,, then you have something to work with . Dont settle
How about parenting classes
How about parenting classes so that he can learn what is and what isn't "normal"?