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How Close Should An Ex Actually Be?

NewBeginning's picture

My SKs are 17 and 19 - the 17 year old lives with my husband and I. His mother lives an hour away and hardly sees him but will talk or text on the phone occasionally. She pays no child support towards him.

The 19 year old lives near her mother and is now pregnant and engaged.

I have a pretty decent relationship with both kids. Not 100 percent but we can tell each other we love one another which is good for me being with their dad since '08. He and I got married this past February.

I have a 19 year old daughter myself who goes to college full time.

In the time I've been with my husband his ex wife has asked him to join a threesome, move in with her, has called all hours of the day and night to talk of anything she could think of, sent both of us emails to stir up trouble, texted me various things to stir up trouble...

Point is, she's done a lot to make herself known.

I deal with a woman that feels my husband is her best friend - thing is she is not allowed to have his phone number due to her antics over time. He does not wish to speak to her not even now with their daughter pregnant. They do not talk about anything yet there are times his daughter will call him and tell him things her mother is saying.

Sometimes I feel an ex can be shoved down the new spouse's throat a little too much. I'm being asked to attend my SD's baby shower over this summer - that her mother is hosting. My husband's entire family is attending so I am going so I can show I'm about my SD and not the ex wife. It's going to be very hard to be there and be around a woman that is not allowed to have my husband's phone number due to her harrasments, yet she's my SD's mother.

I've heard that until I came along that my husband didn't know quite how to deal with his ex wife. She has tried to involve herself in his life all she could since their separation/divorce in 2006. She probably got by with many things until I told him I wasn't having her call my home all hours and acting like she had liberties that I believe an ex shouldn't have. She's even told his kids that until I came along she could do anything she wanted.

Sorry about her luck but my hestitations do NOT come from jealousy. I feel an ex should have GOOD intentions when it comes to being friendly with your ex - good motives and honesty. If you re-read the above paragraph that I typed over her antics I think you'll understand that I see she has no good intention other than to stir up trouble. Therefore, she will not act like she has any liberties in my marriage.

My husband has even made statements that he feels horrible for allowing her to interfere so much in his life - that he should have taken steps to make sure she knew her limits. I can see that his love for his children has blinded his judgment probably more than it should have.

His ex cheated on him numerous times, has warrants out for her, does not work, lives off any man she can find, grows and sells pot...we are not talking about a decent person here.

BUT - regardless of how this woman is - her children love her to death. I have seen these kids defend her at all costs even to go as far as to say she never cheated on their father - they have seen the other men but refuse to connect it as adultery. They can't because if they did they'd have to accept just how wrong she really was. She now is a woman that kisses their butts and has allowed them to do anything they wanted for most of their later teenage years.

My SD quit school at 17 due to her mother allowing it and has ran with the wrong crowd for quite some time.

I think that parents should remain on friendly terms with each other within reason - but with an ex like this there is a HUGE difference.

Anyone else have issues such as this? Am I too hard on the situation?

NewBeginning's picture

Hi Cruella! You're so right - my EH and I divorced back in '07 and I have no desire to know what he is doing. Nor do I put myself in his life. I have no concern for what is going on. My daughter doesn't have much of a relationship with him but it's exactly that - HER relationship with HIM. Doesn't include me.

I am smart like you in the sense that we know better - sadly my DH's ex does not.

But she's learning. Smile

NewBeginning's picture

I guess overall I see an "ex" as an "X". A huge black "X". And should remain that way.

I do NOT believe that because 2 people have children together that it gives an ex liberties that 2 divorced people without children should have. Especially in my case where the kids are almost 18 and 19.

She should have her own relationship with the kids just as my husband does.

She's not even a part of the equation anymore in my book.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

I actually get along great with my EH and we chat often. DH likes my EH just fine, but we are a rare case! We decided we loved perfectson more than any ill feelings we had for each other so we left our problems in the past and stayed friends instead. Again, we are a rare case!

herewegoagain's picture

At the age the kids are, I would tolerate ZERO contact unless related to a medical emergency or major illness, not a cold...and I always believe, although I know that I get heat for this, that if you can be friends with an ex after the divorce, and be such buddies, you should've thought about the kids more than yourself and not gotten divorced...just MY point of view...not intended to offend anyone here...

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Except when you don't live with them and depend on them 24/7, in my case, it makes it very easy to think about perfectson first. If I was still with him, I couldn't overlook the parts that drove me crazy. But like I said, I know we're a rare case.

LizzieA's picture

NB, your BM sounds like a low-life piece of work. Too bad you have to deal with her at all, but with pregnancy, etc. you have to, darn it. My SD had a baby at 19, and there was a big baby shower. Fortunately we moved just before it happened. At that point I couldn't have handled being there with my spiteful S-inlaws and all of BM's friends and family.

Over time, things have gotten better. DH and his children have good relationships and contact with BM is at a very minimum. When we visited we saw her for literally less than one minute. Which is fine with me. Our BM is more the PASing, victim, idiot, lazy type. A big kid in grannie panties.