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How can you get OH to accept BM is lying and things need to change

poseyflump's picture

Submitted by poseyflump on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 3:08pm

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BM continually lies to OH that certain medical treatment SS needs cost money so she demands more cash over and above what he already pays in CS. Where BM and SS live medical treatment and prescriptions for children are FREE, FREE F*****G FREE. OH wont have a word said about it and just sends more money resulting in our household making many sacrifices, too numerous and embarrassing to mention. BM once told him that his son had been rushed into hospital and she needed 800 USD to pay for a scan. I asked him to check with the hospital but he refused. He says he feels low questioning her. I phoned the hospital, guess what they had never heard of SS and he had never received treatment there.

How can I get him to accept that our household is suffering whenever he refuses to challenge BM on this. IS this guilt parenting or am I just a bitch }:)

poseyflump's picture

Submitted by poseyflump on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 3:56pm

health care is free there are no bills. they do not live in the USA but on a caribbean island and health care is free. hence my anger. If these were genuine expenses I would not such a problem. separate finances it may well be as i cant see any other way around this. makes u feel like the second family is inferior to the first.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 5:17pm

Sounds to me like your SO is probably well aware that his ex is ripping you both off, but to save arguments, recriminations and the possiblity of BM using his son as a weapon he likely just capitulates to shut her the hell up OR his head is in the sand and he doesnt want to see or hear about anything, that way he can state he didnt know...its called avoidance AKA withdrawing to the man cave.

Either way, outcome is the same.

To answer the heading question of your thread, the simple answer is you can't *get* your OH to accept this truth as he doesnt want to (whatever the reason). Its easier for HIM for things to remain the same. I would save yourself a heap of trouble, discussion, arguments and stress by cutting to the antidote of this stress - through changing YOUR own behaviour and how you address this. What I mean by THIS, is the crux of your issue is NOT that BM lies, but is that you having to shell out $'s causing problems in your household budget. THIS is unacceptable.

So what are you doing right now when this happens? You have said your SO just shells its out to her.

So do you have joined finances? Well you can control how much money YOU are contributing to this scam by splitting all bills/rent and commitments you have as a couple, separating finances. If your SO wants to be ripped off, while it must be hideous for you to witness this, this IS his own choice. Hes a big boy and you have pointed out the discrepancies in BM's story. He doesnt want to know. So do yourself a favour and let him make his own errors but minimise or even better eradicate ALL impact on your own funds.

So if OH finds himself short? Not your problem "sorry hunny, I am on a budget too. Maybe you need to change how you budget things" then later if it comes up point out the fact hes not checking up on the medical expenses himself.

If your OH gets arsey about you doing all of this "honey I am not stopping you for supporting your son, however I disagree with not checking by asking for receipts first from BM as you were using MY money too. I disagree with just blindly accepting what BM says on face value, as I would never do that myself. If you want to do that, while I dont agree with it, that is your choice. However it is also my choice to remove myself from that equation as I want to protect my finances from being potentially scammed by BM. Which is highly possibly happening.

Then change the subject.

If your OH cannot afford to do things out and about, and or holidays then do not feel guilty. Its a harsh lesson, but one he needs to learn.

Hopefully he will see sense through learning the hard way, but if not then at least you are protecting yourself without enabling your SO to continue as it is now.