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How to avoid being the built in Nanny/Housewife

thereluctantSM's picture

Any ideas ... After raising my children and then helping my son with his 2 children, I felt that finally I could have my life that did not revolve around fitting in with kids, looking after kids blah blah.  I probably need to be shot , but I fell for a wonderful guy who has a nine year old and she is a good kid ... but .... despite that I said that I had 'done my time' twice with parenting and was not going to do it again and he agreed that I should not  and that he did not expect that ... but ... here I am and mega resentful and confused as I dont know how to deal with the expectations that if I am not "at work' or 'busy' it seems that it is expected that it is my role to be the 'parent' 'housewife' ... I have a career where i see clients now via the web and in clinic ... it seems that if I am working from home that  both parents see it as fair that I will be ok with having her here when they work (and to some degree it is what it is during the corona isolation period) but it was not different leading up and I fear that it will continue.  At this point I am looking for suggestions as I am tempted to run away or find a full time job out of home doing anything to escape this as my partner does not seem to get that I am not ok with it , it is like "you'll be fine" "she won't be any trouble" "she will keep herself occupied during your appointments" ... any ideas ?

 

mommadukes2015's picture

I read the title and giggled to myself and thought "LOL LEAVE" (I'm not laughing at you, just my cynical step brain)

But in all honesty, it doesn't need to be that drastic. You need to set boundaries and I know that is easier said than done. There are a lot of great resources out there, but you can also set expectations for your home life-that's totally okay too.  

Chi123's picture

Just say no , simple.  And don't fall for the "if you loved me you'll do it". Tell him you cannot watch a kid while you have to do your work at home

Phoebe333's picture

Schools have After School programs, so that is one resource for you. Once it's ok to get out and about. ....summer camp or day camps. Other than that, say no. 

thereluctantSM's picture

The option to run away does not solve the problem and neither does avoiding the tough choices.  I have been for a mega long walk now and found my answer (I think) ... I need to STOP ... fixing and being the matyr super partner and SM.  Decided that I need to consider

  • Would I expect that of them Y/N
  • Did I cause the problem Y/N
  • Is it my responsibility to fix Y/N
  • Am I fixing or helping Y/N (giving them the fishing rod or the fish)
  • Are they asking or just expecting?
  • Is my time being valued? by me? by them?
  • Am I allowing them to fix their own problems or handing them an easy "fix"

Thankful and grateful for all your feedback to sort my head out xo

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Remind dh that you said you're done raising kids and she isn't to be there unless your dh is. When the "she won't be any trouble" or "she'll keep herself occupied" excuses come up stop them. Say no and mean it.

Winterglow's picture

Exactly. He doesn't get to decide what "not any trouble" is for you. If she isn't any trouble then he won't mind taking her to work with him, right?

Cover1W's picture

Last summer my DH decided to go on a little solo vacation. He assumed that I would be ok with YSD coming over for her regular summer schedule while he was gone. WRONG.

He used all the excuses and guilt trips. But you like her, but she's easy, but she's part of this family, but but but. And answer was still NO. I ended up agreeing to two days that were ok because she'd be at a friend's house most of the time but not my kid!

Oh, he was mad. But no.

SM12's picture

I fell into that trap by DH and BM early on. They thought I would be the live in nanny for their three spawn because I worked from home.  After being disrespected one too many times and not being able to stand the spawn I put my foot down.  BM tried to argue with me saying I just hated her children, but I made it 110% clear that my job was way more important to me then her needs for daycare and I refused to put my job that pays MY bills on the line.    
 

You can only be treated how you allow yourself to be treated.   Ask your DH how he would have handled this situation before you came around....when he answers tell him to do that!! 
 

thereluctantSM's picture

So good to get feedback from SMs that have been there before .. and it is easy to fall into the trap due to our moto of team play at the start.  He has a SS and I am pretty damn sure he did not do it back then and it would not have entered his head to volunteer and it would not have been expected

hereiam's picture

He said the other day that I send mixed messages ... WTF ... because sometimes i am ok with her being there (when he is) and other times its an issue (when he is not)

He is trying to gaslight and manipulate you. It's not a mixed message to be ok with her being there when he is, but not when he isn't. There is a big difference but he wants to make it seem the same so that he can manipulate you into babysitting her.

You are done raising kids, I never wanted kids, and my DH knew that. My SD was 5 when DH and I got together and from the time she was 5 until she was 16 (when she stopped coming over for visitation), I watched her ONE time for 4 hours. Actually 2, because she was a late sleeper. DH had to work one Saturday morning and he asked me in advance if it would be okay if she was here while he went to work for half a day. Had I said, "No," he would have just told BM that he would pick her up after work or, more than likely, he would have had to forfeit his weekend ( 'cuz she's a bitch like that). There was absolutely no pressure.

You are not the built in babysitter just because you are with him.

Kona_California's picture

I felt obligated (and still sometimes do) to play mommy when SS5 is around. He loves me, loves my cooking, he likes how goofy we can be together when we play, and I care that he's in a clean house. But BF sits back and lets me do all the work. About 6 months ago I realized my growing resentment was affecting the relationship, and how I viewed SS5, so I had a talk with BF that moving forward, I will be stepping away a LOT when he has SS. He should not expect me to be a fully present parent because it's not good for me, or for us. He either has him 2 or 3 days in a row (they have 50% custody with 2-2-3) so I said at LEAST one of those days he can expect me to be doing my own thing. Before it was making plans to be out of the house, now I tell him I'm locking myself in the bedroom with wine to watch trash TV or video chat with girlfriends.

Try giving yourself permission to step back and be selfish. Because it isn't actually being selfish.... the kid has two parents. You aren't responsible for anything. If he tries to guilt you, tell him he's being manipulative and insensitive to how this all makes you feel. Let him know you want a happy relationship and these are the steps you're taking to make that happen. Do you!!

thereluctantSM's picture

thank you thank you thank you ... this is good and exactly where I am/have been ... kids in general seem to gravitate to the female and latch on especially if not getting attention from the BP (and we want to know we are liked/loved by them to some degree). and the resentment is now and fully agree that it is not healthy.   I  have to also acknowledge my role in getting here.  As they say "up until today" this is what it has been.  "from this day forward" the story needs to change to be healthy for all ... I also need to respect that she has 2 parents and it is not for me to say they are not enough or to make up for the perceived shortfall.

Thank you

Kona_California's picture

That last bit you said is what I struggle with too. Reminding ourselves it isn't up to us to try and fill the gaps we think we're seeing in the kid's upbringing. Our job is to be happy and enjoy the relationship Smile