How to accept the Ex's family?
I'm having a hard time accepting that many of my BF's family gatherings include his ex wife and her side of the family. They have 3 kids together (19,23, 26) and their daughter just had a baby, making them grandparents(Not sure what that makes me since we're not married). Now that there's a grandchild there will probably be more large family gatherings, like her 1st birthday coming up.
Even though my BF just moved away from his family to be closer to me, I still found myself getting jealous when we visited and the ex was there. It has just sunk in that their families are really integrated, that her family IS his family, and this is how it will be in the long run. I can't blame him. If I had kids and was divorced I would want the families to be comfortable together so it doesn't feel like such a division.
He doesn't give me any reason to be jealous, so now I feel like it is my issue and I'm the one who is bringing negativity. When I brought it up that it bothered me I was feeling frustrated and accidentally said that maybe he should be with someone with kids. I took it back right away, but it was damaging and hard for him to get past that comment. Still, isn't it at least a little understandable that it would take someone some adjusting to accept someone's ex and her entire family as their own?
Does anyone have a strategy for getting past jealousy }:) ?
Luckily I don't have to see
Luckily I don't have to see his family very often. It will probably be every few months, and maybe I can opt out of some events. And yes, it feels like my feelings got a little overlooked because of the way I delivered it. Instead I ended being the one to apologize (for saying he should date someone with kids). I think he gets that it could be hard for someone like me to enter this situation, but wish he was just a wee more understanding or sympathetic.
Sounds good to me. That's
Sounds good to me. That's pretty much how it is, I just try to be civil and friendly around them. That's all. I was taken back when the ex's mother said she'd like to visit us (with the kids). My boyfriend doesn't think she will but I told him I will be out of town if she does.
I guess because I starting thinking that in a sense her family is his family, then I felt like more is expected of me in accepting them. But I'm ok with keeping my distance with politeness.
When you divorce someone, you
When you divorce someone, you close that book and open a new one. You are a new book In his life. It's about you and bf starting something new. It's about you accepting him and his kids. You do not need to be In The presence of his ex family. They will do nothing but tear you down and eat you for supper. He needs to close that door before opening a new one.
Thanks for all the
Thanks for all the validation!
BM is not at every get together, and they're not best friends or anything like that, but the families are close and lines are blurred. I'm just anticipating BM and her side will be at more gatherings with the new grandchild involved. If I opt out of going to events, then I'm sure it will keep going. Or maybe I should opt out to show this is not good for me.
I have no idea what's normal with divorce and children. So it seems like it was probably good for the kids growing up. But it's true, they're all adults now.
This is your BF's "normal."
This is your BF's "normal." Perhaps they are all just very accepting people. The fact that you were welcomed and not shunned is kinda nice. Not all ex inlaws are evil. They are just people and these are people he still considers family. My exH, his new gf, her kid, our kids, my DH and I all met up for a day of laser tag, the zoo and dinner. It was really fun especially for the kids.
No matter how nice and welcoming his ex fam is you don't have to jump on the band wagon though. Just know that you're not going to be able to change the dynamic. In the long run it may be better for you and your sanity to have a partner without kids. Lots of guys out there that didn't feel the need to breed. No need to settle if you're not truly happy.