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How about a nice big bowl of RESENTMENT; served up piping hot!

FallingfromGrace's picture

This a vent. I am not even sure why it bothers me so much. I think that it was just a tipping point, I am just so fed-up.

Last week was parent teacher conferences (yes, last week). I have stewed over this for a week now. I having been putting so much effort towards not coming down on DH for his lack of spine or his relationship with BM, so I held this in (until today). I thought about from my point of view (obviously), from DH point of view, and even from BM's POV and I am still pissed.

We have my two SS (9 and 10) every other wk. An exact 50/50 split. I also have two bio's (BD 8 and BS 10) that live with us full time. All of the kids go to the same school. We are all (all four parents as she is remarried also) very active with the kids, from school programs to sports events....etc. We have been married almost 3yrs. Prior to that we lived together for a year and prior to that we dated a year. I have been involved for a long time.

Well the day of conferences my DH gets a voicemail from BM stating "Just so there is not a scene at the school today, I want to make sure that you got my email. SM is not to attend the conference tonight. I dont want to cause problems and if you need me to tell her then I will most certainly do that, but if she shows up then I will tell her to wait outside. If you cant understand this then I guess you will need to re-schedule. This is something that YOU and I need to do together. I just can do it with her there". He checked his email at home and there was an email from her basically stating the same as above. Except it began with "Thanks for giving me a heads up that SM was coming, now I am going to give you one"....then she wrote out basically what was on her vm to DH. Why did he feel the need to contact her and "warn" her that I was coming? Just as I did last year? and the year before? Why am I treated like an outsider..still?

Well he doesnt call her back. He does not say anything except "geez, why is my life so difficult - why is everything a problem" etc...basically poor him for being in the middle of it. I said "fine, I wont go but this is BS and I hope you remember who is trying to cause problems here..."

He went to the conference that night and then gave me a VERY brief summary when he got home. He never mentioned it again.

He is the resentment. I cook, clean, hug, reprimand, help, etc...with the boys. They are great kids. They spend 50% of their lives in our home. I am supposed to "treat them as my own" but I cannot have a 15 minute conference with their teacher. Everyone will take my money, my food, my help, my support...but I get no recognition. The SS's do fabulous in school. They are great kids, all around...I would like to think that after almost 5 yrs I have a bit to do with that. I would like to hear their teachers say how great they are! I want to show my pride in them too!

But I digress, I had to stay home and clean up dinner instead...it was really nice of me to rush around and make homemade beef and noodles and mashed potatoes...since is SS10's fave...no one said thanks but I am sure he appreciated it...and I am sure DH appreciated my efforts....right?

We have

now4teens's picture

Your feelings are very much understood by so many of us here in this wonderful, yet sad, example.

Yet another day in the life of a stepmother...

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

melis070179's picture

You are the 2nd person I've seen have this problem since last week. And you are the 2nd person that sat home while DH & the BM went together. I don't understand why in the world they need to have joint parent teacher conferences? Do most teachers only allow 1 conference? Why can't you & your husband have a seperate conference with the teacher from the BM & her spouse? Or have the BM & her spouse go to the beginning of the year conference & you and your hubby go to the end of the year conference? Especially if they're great students...I just don't see why they both need to be at the same one.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Used to be over the way SD17 treats me-the resentment. But, after posting on here a couple of weeks (great therapy, by the way) and realizing-She Couldn't Treat Me That Way if H Didn't Allow It-In Fact, Defend It-the resentment is directed at both of them.

Appreciated? Not so much. Once in a great while I'll hear "I'm so glad I married you". But for the most part-it's do this, do that, do it this way. To the point of even telling me what pan to use to cook the chilli in (I raised a family and know quite well how to cook).

And, like your H, Grace, he has secret little conversations with the ex, secret little conversations and plans with SD17 (plan that would affect me-like asking her to come stay the nite without a word to me-the cook, the maid, and, by the way, it's my home.)

It's gotten soooo bad, that I honestly dread him coming home for the weekends. I'm so sick of being told what to do, every move to make. If I say something H doesn't like, he blows up. And then tells me I should've have said blah blah blah. So now he's even telling me how to speak. And trust me, my IQ is a whole lot higher than his. I know how to speak. And it's worse weekends he has SD17 here. Not only do I have his garbage to deal with, I have her snotty attitude as well.

I honestly think I'm begining to hate him.

Sia's picture

insecure with you around. Let it go.....let her have her conference with him. I honestly think that she is just trying to get to you, don't let her!

Conflicted's picture

I would be upset also, not because I didn't attend the conference but because BM told me not to attend and DH went along with it. Its a hard pill to swallow when you feel that BM is being allowed to dictate your life and your decisions rather than if you decided all on your own not to attend.

Thats when my resentment builds.... I absolutely am driven to insane places when I feel that BM is being allowed to tell me or DH what to do.
I would be really upset at your DH because he ALLOWED her to tell you that you cannot go. DH should have told her that you are going so she can get over it.

My DH and I have scheduled a completely seperate conference for the two of us to attend for SD however SS's teacher only wants to do one conference so DH will attend that one with BM. I could attend as well if I wanted but I'm CHOOSING not to attend because I can't stand the mere sight of BM so why put myself through the sickening feeling and stress of dealing with her? I would be anxious and sick and so I'm just not going there.

HOWEVER; I have to say.... and I know this is immature and petty.... but IF bm had the balls to tell DH that I cannot attend.... you'd better bet I'd be there!

FallingfromGrace's picture

Two years ago the skids teacher's told us that there is not time for more than one conference per child. I thought that was bogus and that my DH should have pursued it further. But he did not. I really feel that his main concern is BM's feelings and as long as she is happy then that is what matters.

I guess if I have to get hurt along the way, then so be it.

"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

FallingfromGrace's picture

The crazy thing is that I never even knew this was a problem for her. It's pretty obvious to me that my DH has discussed this with her before, since he felt the need to "warn" her that I would be in attendance...

I mean the conferences last 15 minutes and are once a year. I am 10 yrs younger than she is and I am the one having to act like a grown-up! Ugh.

BTW: I bet you are an awesome teacher Arianna..

"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

sweetthing's picture

BUT I am good enough to babysit them while DH & BM go. I am good enough to spend my time the previous 2 years making sure the homework was done. I am good enough to spend my hard earned $$$ on her precious kids but it would never be considered necessary for me to go to a conference.

Fine by me I would rather spend time with my precious child. Blum 3

bellacita's picture

im sure bc of the size of the school and the fact that MANY families would take advantage of 2 separate conferences, that it just isnt possible.

so the issue then becomes why did DH allow this? u have every rite to go and he shouldve stood up for u. so what if u went and she made a scene? wouldnt she look like an insecure jealous asshole??? let her make a fool of herself then!

im so sorry ur DH was not more supportive and more caring of YOUR feelings.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

missangie1978's picture

When BM had custody of SS we found out he had missed so much school that they were going to hold him back in 2nd grade, he also couldn't read or do basic math and she never called the school back when they called her and he never had any of his homework done.

That being said, since I am the one who taught SS to read and checks his homework everynight since I get home from work before DH that means that I am the one that goes to the parent teacher conferences.

I had no problem telling BM that if she wanted to attend the parent teacher conferences than she would be the one that would have to deal with all of SS's school work from that point on and that DH would not be attending with her but meeting the teacher on his own.

That of course was to much responsibility for her so she never even asks how SS is doing in school. Some people are just not suppose to have children.

missangie1978's picture

When BM had custody of SS we found out he had missed so much school that they were going to hold him back in 2nd grade, he also couldn't read or do basic math and she never called the school back when they called her and he never had any of his homework done.

That being said, since I am the one who taught SS to read and checks his homework everynight since I get home from work before DH that means that I am the one that goes to the parent teacher conferences.

I had no problem telling BM that if she wanted to attend the parent teacher conferences than she would be the one that would have to deal with all of SS's school work from that point on and that DH would not be attending with her but meeting the teacher on his own.

That of course was to much responsibility for her so she never even asks how SS is doing in school. Some people are just not suppose to have children.

Rags's picture

I would fly out on Sunday evening and fly back home on Friday afternoon. I would walk in the door and slip on the "pants" of the household and do what I used to do when I was home daily.

After a few weeks my Lovely Bride finally sat me down and told me that things run just fine when I am gone during the week and no one needs me to come in and dictate how things will work or should be done. At that point I figured that I would just let them all (wife, SS and SIL who was living with us at the time) take care of everything. Of course this is where I made my near fatal error. A few weeks later on Sat AM my wife asked me to mow the yard. Idiot me responded, y'all are supposed to take care of everything .... remember? Things run fine during the week when I am not here so why isn't already done?

Stupid Rags, Stupid Rags, Stupid Rags ..........

You would have thought I whizzed on someones leg. It made sense to me that if everything runs fine when I am not there that there is really nothing for me to do besides earn the money to cover the bills. WRONG!

I find it interesting that people tend to like it both ways in life. I was a bit taken aback when finding out that things run fine without me but could not let the opportunity to give up yard work slip by. So, being the stubborn guy that I am I hired a lawn service. My wife did not want me comming home and second guessing decisions that may or may not have warranted my participation.

For months I heard about how rather than doing the yard myself I paid someone else to do it and somehow abdicated my house hold responsibilities. I was fine with abdicating the yard work. When I was only home for two days per week I would rather spend time with family and friends than mowing the damned yard.

Well, my wife certainly resented me now doing the yard and I resented being marginalized as a decision maker. But, all things work out in the end. We moved to the Mid Atlantic, decided to life in an apartment (no yard!) and now we both make the household decisions.

BTW, I still get lectured occasionally about the yard thing. You ladies never forget anything. Wink

Best regards,