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hospital visitors after baby's birth

flmomma08's picture

Just want to see if you all think this is reasonable.

I'm having a scheduled c section in a couple weeks. I'm also in the middle of a divorce, which our families do not know about yet.

I plan on allowing DH in the delivery room, as long as he is sober. I have my friend on standby in case he is not because I can't deal with any BS from him that day.

Anyway, his family keeps asking what time the surgery is, etc. - they want to be there as soon as the baby is born.

This is not my first c section - last time, I was in recovery for HOURS, and it was needed. I was in pain and kind of out of it, and I didn't feel like seeing anyone besides my mom.

DH is not going to be of any comfort to me - we aren't even together. I want my own mom to come, but not his family. I don't have a problem with them coming the next day once I am in a regular room, just not while I am in recovery.

Is this reasonable? How would you go about letting them know you don't want visitors while in recovery,  but then allowing your own mom to be there?

Yes, they are going to make a big deal about it.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

A reasonable adult knows that they are an adult and can make any choice that they see fit, as long as they are willing to reap the consequences of that choice.

The question isn't of it's reasonableness, the question is, "Am I willing to deal with their BS after I exclude them?"

Totally up to you.

flmomma08's picture

Hmm. Well the divorce will be final soon, so I won't really have to deal with them. They are still welcome to see the baby, I just don't want them there an hour after my insides are put back together.

Husband's wife's picture

Why should you care if they make a big deal out of it ?

I myself was happily married to DH, my delivery was in a private hospital. I said to everyone that I want DH only and asked security not to allow any other visitor. ILs were unhappy but who cares ? It is all about new family, father, mother and the child. All other people could wait for their turn and stfu.

flmomma08's picture

That's true. I just really want my own mom there since DH isn't going to be any help or comfort to me this time around and I know that's where the main issue is going to be since they don't know that I filed for divorce yet. Maybe I should just tell them I filed.

ESMOD's picture

they are going to find out.. I might be tempted to just let the cat out.. and let them know that the only person who will be with YOU is your mother.. DH and his family .. I wouldn't give a crap.

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, I am tempted.. I just didn't think it was my place to let his family know he's getting divorced but it doesn't look like he is going to be telling them.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I never understood family in the delivery room right after birth.

You're vagina is still being sewn up, the placenta is still out and about, I don't want to see my daughters crap.

It's self-important-ass people who think they need to be a part of something that they have nothing to do with.

You'll see your damn grandkid, but dang, you had this chance with your own children already, let it be special.

flmomma08's picture

Yes. Last time, I had a c section as well and we allowed visitors to come to the recovery room and it was very overwhelming. Not many, but still. I was recovering from major surgery. I don't want to do that again.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly.. I would not worry so much about the feelings of people that I don't have feelings

You are going to be undergoing surgery.  I would tell your DH (soon to be EX).. that you do NOT want him in the room during your surgery.  He can have the hospital arrange to let him see his child.. on his own.  You are more than welcome to have your mother as your support network there.  

You are NOT obligated to host his relatives in your recovery.  I would see if it is possible for your STBX to visit with his child and his family.. in a separate area from you.

flmomma08's picture

That's an idea. My mom is really squeamish with medical stuff so I didn't even think of asking her to be in the room for the surgery, but I have been going back and forth between DH and my best friend. I have to call the hospital back to go over everything for that day, so I will ask them about the separate area.

Winterglow's picture

So let them make a big deal about it - soon you're not going to have to deal with them again.

It takes a special kind of stupid to not understand the difference between having your own mother there for support and having people there "just because" after a c-section. Make sure the nurses know that your mother is the only "outsider" to be allowed in to see you in recovery.

Giving birth and the aftermath is not a spectator sport.

flmomma08's picture

Yes!! I don't know why everyone thinks they have a right to be there so soon after the delivery. They did the same thing when my daughter was born.

ndc's picture

First off, I would tell them about the divorce.  It's not like they're not going to find out.  

Most important, though, this is YOUR birth.  It's up to YOU to decide who gets to be in the delivery room and visit afterwards.  I personally would not allow DH to be in the room for the surgery.  You already know he's not going to be a good support for you.  Why in the world should you even have to think about whether he'll be sober?  Why should you need to have someone on standby to deal with that.  Just ban him.  He doesn't DESERVE to be there. 

As for his family, I wouldn't worry about them or their feelings for now.  Where were they earlier in the pregnancy when you needed help?  Where have they been to help with their son and his addiction?  Where have they been when there were financial needs?  Sorry, they don't get to intrude when you're not ready for them.  Your mom has been a help, and she's the one you want around.  There's no comparison, and they don't need to be treated the same.
Stand up for yourself and what YOU want.  Let your STBX worry about his family and himself.  They'll get to see the baby; they just have to wait until you're ready for that to happen.  It should be when it's convenient for YOU.  And make sure that all the nurses and medical personnel who are there know what YOUR wishes are so they can play gatekeeper and make sure people you don't want don't get in.  Your mom can help with that too.  Don't let them push their way in when you are weak and vulnerable.

flmomma08's picture

I might have to tell them since it doesn't look like DH is going to.

This is all very true. I know for sure he's not going to be any support to me. I wish they would allow 2 people to come in, but they will only allow 1. I definitely agree though - after what he's done to us, he doesn't deserve to be there.

His family did absolutely nothing to help when I was here alone and pregnant dealing with their addict son, even when I ASKED them to come get him or ASKED them to help. I was on my own. This pregnancy has been one of the most stressful times of my life because of DH, which is sad because my last pregnancy I was so happy.

Thank you for the advice! I needed this.


Winterglow's picture

Having read that, there is NO WAY I would let these people anywhere near me in the hospital! Good grief! They'd just be useless gawkers and get in the way. Ditto for your STBX. Do  not even tell them the date for your c-section. They are worthless and deserve nothing from you.

If they're unhappy with that, let them go kick rocks ... about all they're good for anyway.

Misscali201's picture

Husband and I are together and we have a happy marriage. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I told him the only person in the hospital for the birth of our son was going to be him. I didn’t want my family in the hospital, much less his. He told me he was going to fly his mother in to live with us for two months for the baby’s birth, i told him he was out of his mind. Husband and I get along great, he got upset but ultimately it’s up to the mother who is allowed to visit. I wanted time for our little family to bond, I wanted husband to spend quality time with our baby. With zero distractions. This is our family and our time. I’m your case with divorce around the corner, his family can wait until you are home and rested before you allow visitors other than your family. Honestly, if he is not sober he isn’t being responsible for that child and that’s not something you want around a new baby. 

flmomma08's picture

Oh my goodness! Last time, I didn't want his family there but I allowed it because we were still happily married at that time. It was very overwhelming though. I felt better when I had visitors the following day once my meds had worn off and I wasn't so loopy. Ugh I wish I could know now if he will be sober that day but it's impossible to tell with him!

DonnaReed's picture

I'm an OB RN and while every hospital has different policies, they are obligated to protect your privacy. At my hospital we only allow one visitor during recovery-typically dad but can be whoever the patient wants.  Please let your primary nurse know about any potential drama and what your wishes are.  I am always fine with telling family a patent cant have visitors if that's what my patient wants.  If you don't want his family there then that's absolutely up to you.

ESMOD's picture

But... you should not make the nurse be the bearer of bad news.  Let your dh know that he and family need to wait until you are up for any visits.  They can view baby in the nursery if that's still a thing.  But his prioritizing drugs over his family lost his right to be by your side.

flmomma08's picture

I'm going to let them know, but if they insist on coming anyway then the nurse can make something up. Unfortunately no nursery at this hospital. I agree - he made his choice.

Thisisnotus's picture

I have had 4 c-sections.....there were 11 years between the 3rd and 4th. I was 22 with the first and 38 with the last....let me tell you some things I learned by the 4th.....Reasonable is ANYTHING that you want. ANYTHING. It is your are the boss...period. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...this is ONE day of your life that you literally take no shit and consider noones feelings excpet for you own!



Lollybobs's picture

Why would you care what his family want or don't want? They weren't prepared to help you when you needed it so you don't owe them anything. It might be easiest if you tell both sides of the family about the divorce so that everyone is aware of what's going on. Presumably they know something's up if he's not living with you...

flmomma08's picture

That would probably be best. They know that we are separated, but I didn't tell them that I actually filed for divorce.

bananaseedo's picture

Can I just say I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this...I feel very sad for ALL of you-YES your exh included. Addiction robs families and the individual....I'm so sorry hon!   Do what is best for you on that day.

lorlors's picture

Complete ban on his family at the hospital until you are good and ready. After my c-section 8 months ago, DH's family piled in the very next day. It was all too much. They stayed for a full 3 hours and didn't leave until way past visiting hours were over. I was in agony and DH's stupid dad said 'you look very tired'. No shit Batman! Even to this day, I can barely look at him as he was recovering from PNEUMONIA but no no, he just HAD to be there.

As for your soon to be ex, if he is using HEROIN (FGS) I wouldn't have him anywhere near my brand new defenceless infant.

SteppedOut's picture

This. If her STBX (no need to be calling him "dh", he is far from that at this point) wanted to be part of the birth of his child he would have gone to rehab. He has made his choice. 

flmomma08's picture

That's how it was when I had my daughter. His entire family came just hours after I got out of the operating room. My pain meds were wearing off and I was really hurting but they all seemed completely oblivious to it.

And yup I gave him the chance to go to rehab (probably more chances than I would have if I weren't pregnant), and he refused every time. So he has definitely made his choice.

shamds's picture

”i do not want any visitors just after my scheduled c-section and want time alone with my newborn child”, you can visit once i am home or i will let you know when i’m happy for visitors. 

This is about you!! Not them!! 

If they chuck a hissy fit saying this is what family does and we want to be there the moment bubs arrives just say no that you want private time alone and this needs to be respected and you are happy to forward a pic to your ex mil etc

you don’t even need to tell them that your mum will be there, thats not anyone’s business. Its your choice as your mum is your strength of support that you appreciate having there, ex inlaws are making this about them and thats selfish

Winterglow's picture

"If they chuck a hissy fit saying this is what family does and we want to be there the moment bubs arrives"

Response: "No. That is what YOUR family does. MY family respects each other." and hang up.

BethAnne's picture

If it's not too late, I would just lie to them all and say that the c-section is sceduled for 2 days after the real date. Tell your mom and friend the real date, but swear them to secrecy. No-one needs to be there except the people that you feel safe and comfortable with and that includes lying to your husband. He and the others can all find out after the fact when you are ready to let them know. 

flmomma08's picture

Oh that's a good idea! They do know the date, but maybe I could say it was pushed back. Or if I go into labor I won't have to worry about it because I will not be telling them!