Hope for the relationship? Please help! Desperate

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I'm a new user, very happy to have found this site. I'm really hoping I can get some advice. I don't have many people to talk to about this situation and those I have are at a complete loss for words. I would really be nice to hear from someone with even a tiny bit of experience...or not, but can be honest and helpful.

I'll start by saying this child is NOT his biological child. This is a friend's child that had no father figure and he stepped in helped with him bascially whenever bio-mother was too busy partying (still has this issue). "SS" has a mother, new father, little sister, grandparents on both sides.

I moved across country to be with my bf (fiance) of 6 years. I sold everything. I was aware of the 11 yo "step-child", I had met him. During visits before moving there were some issues with no time for me on my short trip and only time for SS because bio-mom was too busy. I really covered all this with my bf before we agreed on the moving. He agreed I was moving down there to be together spend time with him and although SS was important, it would not cause issues. My only real concern would be no alone time. I had thought I had been clear and promises were made.

Upon moving, the promises were immediately broken. Every weekend, every single one, we had SS friday night thru sunday night. To make things more messy SS has autism. He is low on the spectrum (not having much experience w/ the spectrum myself I might be saying that incorrectly. He is very high functioning. Normal school, no extra anything. Some of his testing came back with no autism at all). For the 1st almost year SS would openly hit me, call me names and try blaming things on me I had not done. I learned immediately he was given anything and everything he wanted. He had zero responsibilty and was never even as simply told no or even put on time out. My bf would tell him he shouldn't do those things and then that would be it. I tried my hardest to bite my tongue. Any objection I had was met with anger and verbal abuse. Heaven help me if I told the child no when misbehaving! In front of him, I was screamed at.

I tried and tried to talk to my bf about it, but he always becomes very defensive. There are no coversations. Only responses I get are that he has autism, so you can't tell him no or put him on time out or take away the non-stop tv/playstation time he has (we are talking all day and night. the more he plays and watches the more misbehaved he becomes). Night times are it's own nightmare. Apparently, he does not want to sleep in his own bed, and isn't made to. So every night he is eventually made to go to bed 10-11pm, then is up every hour screaming about how he does not want to be in his own room, he doesn't want to sleep, he wants to play games. And every night bf ends up putting him in bed with us. He then gets up before 6 and immediately he is given desserts for breakfast and back to watching tv. He throws temper tantrums if you try to get him to do something else other than tv or you won't buy him something or give him dessert for dinner. He will scream, hit, threaten, break things. And if he goes on long enough sometimes even pull out some fake tears. Regardless, bf gives him what he wants and apologizes to him.

So about the year in, the bf admits he has messed up a little bit and he had broken some promises on the matter. Claims it will change. It doesn't really. Sometimes instead of getting him friday after work, we get him saturday lunchtime. SS has mostly stopped hitting me but has moved on to telling me and bf that he doesn't want me there, how I "hurt" him, that I'm the devil, how things are different since I came and he wants me to go back (really how much has changed???!!!). And when he tells his big lies (like about me hurting him or breaking his things) he will actually watch me and evilly smirk, when my bf has his back turned or is hugging him telling him that it's okay, he doesn't need to lie, but that he understands his feelings and why he would make that up. This happens so often in the house I tend to spend my time in the basement, locked away in a depressive funk. I disengage but the child still says these things unprovoked and this angers bf that I am disengaging. Bf tells me I should be an adult and stop letting what a child says bother me, that he has autism and I need to get over it, that I need to step up and ignore these things and when I seperate myself I make it worse, so really it's my own doing. If I try to reason with him on SS behaviour he tells me he won't be tricked into beating him! WTF! I would never suggest that! I was so offended. I simply said we should make him go to bed at a set time and take away tv time if he treats me poorly. He keeps saying he is "working on it" with him and that it'll get better. It doesn't.

Last week bf mentions SS daycare fell through after school so he might have a him a night during the week too, will try not to, but it might.

I'm heartbroken, tired, sad, we have our own relationship issues to work on and it can never happen because we get no alone time. He has refused counseling. He told me he wouldn't let me come between them (when no threat was made mind you, I am perfectly aware I might as well leave if that's where my thoughts are. It would be pointless.) I loathe weekends. I get treated poorly all weekend then we fight about it the following day. I don't want anything to do with him. I have tried so hard to be a cool, fun "step-mom". Deep down I guess I know nothing will change? I feel like I'm the crazy one and my expections of the situation are maybe the wrong ones? Am I nuts? Is this normal? I thought autistic children needed structure...I guess this doesn't apply? I am wrong in that thought? I would think we should treat him like an 11 yo first.

I should add that bio-mom is perfectly happy to give her child to us but does not agree with all of the spoiling...but how much can she really care?

Is there hope? Really? Will anything change? It's been almost 2 years here. I have nothing of my own and very little money. I am scared and feel trapped. Our relationship keeps getting worse and I can't help but think even if we could work on that, this glaring problem isn't going away.

I seriously hope you have a

I seriously hope you have a job. If not, get one. If you are working, get another job (on the weekends, instead of sulking in the basement).

Work, work, save, save and get the hell out of that nightmare, abusive relationship!

It's ok to make a mistake. It is NOT ok to continue on with that mistake once you realize it.

Quit wasting your life like this.

Thank you, maybe this is the

Thank you, maybe this is the kind of thing I really need to hear. I get so frustrated and hurt I think I get the "it's all my fault" syndrome. I know it's not healthy. I do have a full-time job I unfortunately have pretty expensive medical treatments that make it impossible to work more and very hard to save, but I do save a little every paycheck, because of this. I have been desperately trying to find additional work to do from home but haven't had any real luck. I guess I worry most about having to start out on my own again, with nothing...moving back across the country which means I would lose my job as well:/ which scares me. I love him. I kept thinking maybe something will change but maybe it's just the fear paralyzing me.

Do surveys from home. It'll

Do surveys from home. It'll take awhile to build up enough to cash out but it is extra. Inbox me if you want the names of some survey sites. Good luck, and stop trying to reason with your BF. He's not in a place to hear anything you have to say. Just tell him it's HIS kid and HIS responsibility.

If your employer is aware

of your medical situation, perhaps they have more work for you?

Is there a group or church to which you belong where you could ask around about being a roommate or renting a room? That may give your the cheaper rent to be able to move out an start saving money and your sanity.

Yes, employer is aware. I

Yes, employer is aware. I have tried that already:/ They already pay me a few hours of overtime each week (I work late sometimes) and they don't allow anyone else in the company to do so, but they said they really can't do anything else. I'm appreciative for that even. I did attempt to ask them about working remotely both currently in addition and if I were to have to move back home and that was a no-go as well.

I don't belong to any groups here that I've spoken too, just from where I'm from. I could move in with my friend and her children for a short time until I find a place, but I'd lose my job. Which I guess maybe I just need to get over. I've just never been in that situation before. Feels crazy to think of that considering I'm not super young anymore. But I did get myself here.

Apply for roles back home and

Apply for roles back home and when you accept one and have a start date, turn in your notice and move home to your new life and job.

No need to keep sacrificing yourself.

I can see why you say that, i

I can see why you say that, i dont necessarily disagree..i guess that's why i'm here. to see if anyone not directly involved saw any hope for it all improving as all the original problems stemmed from the SS, but obviously there's more now. As much as i want to be hopeful it can work for us i may be being naive on the subject. i spent so many years with him and things were great..until i moved. maybe thar's what it took to get the truth.

It sounds like your fiance

It sounds like your fiance has chosen this child (who isn't even his own child) over you. He said he wouldn't let you come between them. He refused counseling. To me, that sounds like there's no hope for the relationship. What he's expecting you to put up with from this kid is unreasonable. I'd cut my losses sooner rather than later.

thank you this.

hearing it is unreasonable from responses does make me feel less at fault. After so long I really had a hard time not thinking it was my own fault. I guess being told over and over again wears on you. I did think I was stronger than this. But the longer it goes on the more sad and bitter I get he cares less about me. I know that's not helping anything.

Welcome to the site!

I was in a similar situation to you in that I spent the weekends when my SDs were here, on my own in my room, or out. But we only had them every other weekend, and they didn't have autism. Really, autism is a great challenge for bio parents, let alone steps - and the delusion that no discipline is enforceable with such children just makes it worse for everyone. The child is being trained to be a foul little dictator with no boundaries.

I think you have realised that your bf's idea of "working on it" produces precisely zero results, and I wouldn't expect that to change any time soon. Sorry to be negative, but I really don't think that you want to stay living in the same house as these two. If you really want to try and preserve the relationship with bf, maybe you could get your own place nearby and just see him during the week and Friday nights when the SS isn't there.

Thank you for the welcome:)

I honestly don't see it as negative. I've had the same thought. That's one of the reasons I'm here. Working on it means "stop complaining" at this point. And when do draw that line in your mind that it's not ever going to change. I really want what is best for everyone involved. I can't imagine this is in the child's best interest.

I did bring it up seperate homes to him, he didn't seem very thrilled. Although I honestly think it had more to do with his irrational thought process that if we are in the same house, even if seperated or upset, that he is giving us equal attention. He said that would be a step backward, which I agree, but feel like I have little choice. He mentioned how I wouldn't be able to afford my own rent here, and he's right. At the end of the day I was desperately trying to find a solution to him always having to have the SS and how that just makes that time very stressful and sad for me. I do want him to be happy. I honestly do. I do not like the thought that if that were to happen somehow, I would see him even less. I would only be a priority if he didn't have SS for some reason.

It's always fear that keeps

It's always fear that keeps someone stuck in a bad situation, and it's understandable. Do you have friends/family who will support you if you move back home? Don't let fear keep you in a situation that is toxic for you. The "SS" is a symptom of the real problem - your relationship. If your BF cared about you, he'd do what it takes to make you comfortable, and he won't.

It's one thing to hang in there if it's the BF's actual child, but in this case, I don't even get the attachment. He's basically being used as a babysitter by the child's mother.

I have friends back home,

I have friends back home, they would help a little. They would never let me suffer by any means and they would help as much as they could. Maybe that's all I need, as scary as it is. I'm furious with myself for thinking after so many years I was safe in starting over completely in a new place, I should not have given up all I had.

He is essentially a full time babysitter, at beckon call, for even when he doesn't need babysat. The whole thing is odd and confusing to me.

But you are right, if he did care about me he would actually follow thru with changes not just empty promises and no results because the child is autistic and it takes him and "very long time to learn not to do something". I call bs.

I hadn't thought of it being toxic...but the more I read responses I'm feeling that it very well might be, even though I want it to just be ok.

Run

this man does not need to be involved in this boys life. Where is the biological father (who is on the birth certificate I wonder, there is something here that is being hidden in plain sight possibly). The boy has a family. He does not need to feel obliged because this child has special needs, - my daughter had special needs and I manage her care between myself and a day nursery. Special needs children need fairly consistent boundaries.

What is wrong with you both meeting this family once or twice a year on neutral territory just to say hi etc if they are not related? As a possibility...

Bio dad took off to begin

Bio dad took off to begin with apparently, when she was pregnant. There have been questions from myself and others about him possibly being his son, because anything else would seem crazy, but, he isn't. He talks about trying to adopt him constantly. The kid has family, you are right! This is not some poor kid with no one in foster care.

And I agree with the boundaries, I can't understand with special needs or not, how it is helpful for the child without. Boundaries to me is abuse and poor treatment to him.

And even the discussions we have tried to have have lead to how I have already drastically cut his time with him and how upset this makes bf. Before me, which I was not made aware of, he had him during the week as well most of the time.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW!!! i

YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW!!! i feel so so sorry for you hun that must be a nightmare i know how hard it is to leave someone you love but at the end of the day he is not taking you in to consideration at all and if he feels so strongly about this child when its not even his why isnt he like this towards you and making you feel wanted. leave him or it will be a few more years and you will regret not leaving sooner i did i stayed with my partner for 13 years turned out to be a peodophile and started to abuse me towards the end and i wish i listened to others and left xx

I'm so sorry, I couldn't

I'm so sorry, I couldn't imagine that hell! I really hope things are much better for you now and you are safe.

Thank you for your caring words. I have been thinking a lot about the years that seemingly appear wasted if I left. That's part of the hurt that keeps me clinging at hope...but I suppose that only prolongs the "wasted" time. My friends don't even know the half of it and they have said the same.

Two years and the

Two years and the relationship continues to get worse. Yet your BF is not willing to make changes, won’t consider counseling, and won’t even discuss anything without getting mad or defensive. And yet YOU are the one who is supposed to “try harder.” And YOU now feel guilty because YOU haven’t made the relationship work.

A loving partnership involves two people. One person can’t do the work of two. One person can’t be responsible for making all the necessary changes. One person can’t n can’t carry all the love and sacrifice.

Your BF won’t change, the child won’t change. Change is entirely up to you. You’ve already discovered that you can’t make the current situation work, so something else needs to happen. I can’t think of anything other than leaving or living separately. Can you?

Oh, be assured that there is nothing wrong with you. Nobody could make this work.

Thanks for this. You hit the

Thanks for this. You hit the nail on the head. Not only do I blame myself but I'm being guilted now that I have not only made the situation worse but have become unbearable as a result. Bf claims he is making all the changes alone and I need to do the my part, and maybe he is, but not where it is really needed for our relationship at least. Unfortunately, I know my changes that are expected is to just shut up and take it, act happy. He HATES it when I am sad and not it the way he should, in the way that it bothers and effects him. If I even get up to leave the room after a sh*tty comment is made by SS, he gets angry and tells me to grow up. I've told him I can only take so much.

At this point I am being affirmed that my only option is to leave

Hope for this relationship is

Hope for this relationship is entirely dependent on how much you are willing to tolerate.

I would say that you are not even on the RADAR screen as a priority for your SO. He puts a non related child so far above you and above his relationship with you that your continued presence in this situation is mind boggling to me.

Move on, find someone who will put you and the relationship above all else. Particularly above someone elses child.

I appreciate what you are

I appreciate what you are sayiing. There are times where I am surprised myself I am still here. I have moments I think I am strong. Things usually change once we try to have a "talk". Somehow I always feel awful and guilty afterwards. So many years it was great, I think maybe I am hanging on to what we had before I moved here. Maybe it was always going to be different once the move was made and no amount of preperation could prevent it.

And I do want to be a priority. I do feel like I deserve that.

Online and in many ways also

Online and in many ways also long distance relationships are rarely real or give a full and accurate picture of the reality regading those who are in them.

You did not have a real relationship before you uprooted your life and adopted his life as your own. No need to lament a fantasy or continue to sacrifice your life on this facade of a partner.

Partners who do not progress in their relationship together do not make a life together that is of sufficeint quality to remain in.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

I think a lot of people come

I think a lot of people come here when they feel defeated and desperate. I know I did. Looking for anyone who understood what I was dealing with.

I can't say that I have any experience with autistic children but from the few acquaintances I have who have autistic children, I know that it can be INCREDIBLY difficult. But it sounds like your BF has created a monster. After 2 years of no improvement and no support from your BF, I can't imagine things will improve. My skids are incredibly difficult as well, their behavior is out of control disrespectful and act like rules or common decency doesn't apply to them, but my husband doesn't tolerate it. Not that the behavior seems to improve, but they don't get away with anything. If my husband allowed it to happen and would get angry and yell at me for saying something about it, I would be gone in a heartbeat. F*ck being in a relationship with an evil skid and an enabling uncooperative SO.

I think most of us here have realized that it doesn't usually get better, specifically if your SO isn't willing to work on anything. Shoot, he isn't willing to even HEAR you. Relationship with skids can change, disengaging has been HUGE for me. I don't have a better relationship with them, but it's different and I am no longer so invested with them. But again, if you don't have a solid relationship with your BF, you're fighting 2 different battles every day.

That is exactly what it feels

That is exactly what it feels likes, 2 different battles. I don't feel like I can win. But that's what he always says I have created for him as well. Something has to give to work on the other but it feels hopeless at this point.

I honestly do think I could deal with it more if my bf did what your husband does. He may not be able to change the behavior, like you said, but at least he could make it unacceptable and that he can't behave that way with us. I even tried to reason he should be brought home if he can't be decent to me, but that of course has never ever happened. I think the first time he screamed and cussed at me when I told the SS "no" (in front of the SS) I was so shocked I was more hurt than I was mad. It was unbelievable to me. I should have left then probably. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad now. He promised up and down it wouldn't happen again (days later mind you), and it is only because he's not used to hearing him be told no by anyone. Later discussions he instructed me I was not allowed to tell SS no or take anything way, I have to speak to him about it and he would decide what was appropriate *eyeroll* which is nothing.

And you're right, getting better just probably isn't a possibilty:/

I hope you’re not sexually active with this man

Seriously think about your child in this toxic mess for a minute, those evil smirks and stares from this skid.

is this kid an ex girlfriends child or just an old friends kid he truly feels sorry for and instead of him going to cps he has decided to spend money for someone elses kid??

this is a toxic mess you need to get out of immediately. If any skid hit me or my kids and hubby excused it, i’d be outta there

there are plenty if fish out in the sea that you’re missing out on

We are not currently having

We are not currently having sex, which is by itself a giant issue for him. I don't feel like he loves me, I can't open myself up to that. I don't hold it over him, but I can't do it. Maybe this is wrong. I told him that if he can't handle that he is welcome to leave me. He tells me constantly how messed up it is and at times has complete angry breakdowns about it.

That being said, I have no child of my own in this mess and would not bring one into this situation. Hell, I won't even get a pet!

The kid is just an old friend's I feel like he got attached when helping raise him, she lived with him for a short time early on after he was born to get on her feet. I can only assume that is is like a surrogagte father feeling, which I used to think was indearing, now it seems odd. The child is not without family and support, but he chooses to buy him things and "provide" as it were y choice. Most of the time it is materialistic things like toys and gifts the child demands.

No it won't change and the

No it won't change and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. I would advise you to move back to your hometown and leave this guy and his weird arrangement with this kid alone.

you're right. it is getting

you're right. it is getting harder and harder :/

Evil3~ PREACH!!!

Just one word - Run. Go. Walk.Leave.

Take your pick of any of those words. But you need to get out of there - your BF is being very toxic. He is gaslighting you into thinking it is all your fault.

I too have been in situations with steplife, where I thought it was all me or that it was my fault. But the illness and dysfunction was already there. I hope that you can scrape together enough cash, very soon, to get out. Even couch surfing sounds like a better life than the one you described in your post. Your first step is to get out. Once you see how different life can be for you out of that situation, you will see that light in the dark tunnel - you will have the energy and will to get yoursel stronger. Your medical issues are more than likely exacerbated by this toxicity. You will see more opportunities when you get out.

Thank you. I think you are

Thank you. I think you are right. If I can get away then things can start looking more positive. Right now I'm panicked about what I will do but that's only making it worse.

After another arguement, I wonder how I can really believe that the dysfunction isn't all me or a cause of mine somehow. I read your words and understand and agree at the moment but then, during the arguement, all the same feelings are back. When do get past that hump? I'm trying.

Somewhere along the line you

Somewhere along the line you bought into being responsible for someone else’s happiness. That could be a childhood thing, or learned through other relationships.

I think you could benefit from some individual counseling to help sort out what you want and need.

It’s not uncommon for some folks, women in particular, to be “fixers” who take on all the emotional heavy lifting of a relationship. Getting help to find a pathway out might be a good first step. Once you gain strength and confidence you’ll be better able to deal with your BF.

You are here

Hope for the relationship? Please help! Desperate