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The Honest Truth Here

LakesideChill19's picture

Over the last year, I've read many posts and contributed where relevant.  There have been times when I have been slightly mortified about how jaded some of us feel.  It actually hurt me to read some of what I've read; that people felt the way that they did about some of their Steps.  The truth is... their honesty is the truth in so many cases. 

A while back there was a discussion about Bio re-involvement and someone said something to the extent, don't worry Bio will come back in and it will be like you don't exist.

This weekend proved that statement true.  My 27 years old daughter, technically step - though her mother and I aren't married anymore, but I raised her from age 3 while Bio was off building his new family, got married.  It was supposed to be a big affair, but with COVID they had to scale back.  Prior to the cancellation, I spent at least 1 night a week planning with her, arranging the DJ and photographer.  When they changed the plans, I was pleased with what they decided.  They would have a small ceremony and a reception and maybe next summer have an anniversary party. 

The day before the wedding, I called to ask her a couple of things and confirmed times that I should be there (I was bringing food, my PA system for music and some tables) and was told 11am.  I said that was perfect and asked, "Ok, what time is the ceremony again (because they were waiting on the Justice of the Peace)? Just so I make sure that all is ready?" and she replied 10:30. 

(Insert Forrest Gump voice) Now, I'm not a smart man, but that's 30 minutes before I was supposed to be there. 

I asked, "who is going to be at the ceremony then, just you, him and JP?" and she replied, "No, JP, him and I, his parents, and my mom and Bio Dad - side note that she calls him by his name, not Daddy, which is what she calls (or called now) me.  After raising her for 24 years, giving her my name, being there for her all this time and in her words, proving that "nuture overcomes nature", this happens.

To everyone that has a step with even a partially involved Bio, caveat emptor.  Don't learn the hard way.  The honest truth lives here.  It's may be ugly as a Christmas sweater, but it's here.

Kes's picture

What an emotional kick in the gut.  If it were me, I would be so hurt, I would probably not go at all. 

LakesideChill19's picture

Absolutely Harry... Truth and an example.  I feel for everyone that feels like I'm feeling right now.  Kes summed it up pretty well... Emotional kick in the gut.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I believe that is where the anger and bitterness stem from. I believe most stepparents enter a relationship with the best of intentions only to be used, abused, worn down and never appreciated. Yet they keep trying to make it work.

In my situation the SKs conveniently forget about the 100s of things of have done for them as soon as they are told no that one time or they are asked to do something to earn the privilege. There is zero appreciation, constant verbal abuse. 

If anyone outside of the title of stepkid, including my own family treated me the way the SKs have I would have nothing to do with them. 

Dogmom1321's picture

I 100% agree with this. I met SD when she was 5. This was when DH had full custody. She would only see BM in the summers and some holidays. SD constantly wanted to play, hang out, spend time together... There were countless times she would say "I wish you were my Mom." I always reminded her that she had a Mom, but that was a nice compliment. 

Fast forward to today and SD is 10. BM has 50/50 custody. When SD started going to her BM more often, she wanted nothing to do with me. She would lie and tell BM horrible things about me just to "please her mommy." I would try to still go out of my way for SD. I got her a new lunchbox for school last year, "No thanks, my mom got me one." And never used it. Not even on our weeks. I got her a necklace a couple of weeks ago for her birthday, "No thanks, I don't think my mom will like me wearing something you got me." 

The utter lack of appreciation, accompanied with years of attempting to build a relationship, only to be torn down by "blood is thicker than water" is what got me resentful towards SD. If anyone else in my life were to act like this, I would have nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, this isn't an option for 8 more years... so I have disengaged. Sadly, I think this is also why so many SM have to disengage. 

ldvilen's picture

Yes!  I do think that many SMs HAVE TO disengage, and I don't think a lot of people, even counselors get this.  Counselors, of course, don't like disengaging, because for them you are supposed to talk things out and wind up with some kind of group cohesive understanding and hug.

However, what else are you supposed to do when your kids are either older (near adults or adults) and your DH either won't see it, or refuses to, or makes pissy attempts at correcting their behavior.  A lot of women here say something like, "My DH is just fine until it comes to his kids," and I get that.  Sometimes there is a whole lot more going on, where DH is not only contributing to SM's thrashing with his ignorance, but also joining in.  In that case, a SM does need to seriously think about moving on, getting serious marriage counseling or else, etc.

But, there are those times that a man, your husband does otherwise seem to be a good fit for you.  So, what do you do then if you truly love and get along with the man?  You don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.  So, that pretty much leaves your only option to disenage with the SKs.  And, what you are really disengaging from is not the SKs as much as it is the filthy role that they have assigned you, SM to--someone they can beat up on without consequences.  SKs are more or less encouraged to do this from BM, other friends, even our own society as a whole, all whom tend to see SM as intrusive and meddling, at best.  Who the H- wants to be a SM in this day and age with that type of crap going on?

So, many SMs disengage, focus pretty much solely on their marriage, try to pay out as little as possible on their end for someone else's kids who, for whatever reason, are only capable of showing disgust in return for kindness, etc.  Let dad deal with his own children.  Let BM deal with her children.  SM gets to absolve herself of the SM role and instead focus solely on being dad's wife and enjoying that or enjoying that along with her own children.  

2Tired4Drama's picture

You have my sympathy for the emotional investment you made in this person, which has turned out to be a loss.

There is nothing you can do to change the past.  You can only control the future.  If I were you, I'd see this situation as a hard line in the sand that this SD has not only stepped over, but kicked the sand around and erased.  You were erased.

Do the same towards her.  Realize you mean nothing to her and cease all efforts of maintaining a relationship. Wish her well, seal your heart and be cordial when it is necessary but otherwise avoid her. If you somehow had dreams of being a pseudo-grandpa one day now you know that won't  happen. Ever. 

The other factor in this is your ex.  Since you are now divorced from her, she is also conveniently forgetting that you helped HER raise her daughter for 20+ years. I'd guess she enjoyed the financial/material aspects of your marriage until such time as she didn't need you anymore.  I would guess she was the main instigator on SD not inviting you to ceremony.  I''d also guess that your ex encouraged SD to continue to treat you like a free asset, as you were good to provide DJ benefit but not attend ceremony.  Beware of continuing to be used in this way in future.  

Cut your losses.  Lick your wounds.  Then move on.  In the grand scheme of things, you can be proud of the selfless efforts you took to raise this person despite the fact it was a losing sum game. 

simifan's picture

So did you go and allow her to abuse your kindness? Did you say anything to her about how hurt you were? 

 

My heart goes out to you, as with many others I did 90% of the hard stuff and am now the wicked step-monster that caused all of exSD's issues. Meanwhile exH & BM who couldn't be bothered when exSD needed them are wonderful people. Is it any wonder why so many of us are jaded? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, i would probably take that as my cue to move on from all of them. I'm sorry this happened. I felt it ti a smaller degree when my SO told me from the beginning how his ex wife was unfit, uncaring, and how he and his kids really needed me to help fill the role. I did. But, after a while i realized biomom would call and he would ignore me or get off the phone with me to talk to her. Would let her come and go from his house to see or pick up the kids whenever she felt like it. I was like wait, i thought she was a deadbeat, unfit, didn't care? Why are you letting her whims decide what goes on in your life? The answer: "But she's their MOTHER!" Whelp, i took that as my cue to stop bending over backwards for them. It's sad that it has to be that way, but that's life. I'm sorry you went to all the trouble. 

Seriously7's picture

I'm so sorry for you. That was just wrong and she should know it. I don't know what I would do. Actually, I probably wouldn't go at 11:00 or at all just out of being so hurt bit that's just me. 

CLove's picture

Its a soul-crushing life, being a step parent to ungrateful Skids.

I agree with another poster, that her BM, your ex is probably behind it all.

Good enough to give, but not good enough to be included. She sounds VERY insensitive, after all your work and time, attention and intention.

Well, you will need to mourn, and move forward.

Did she invite you after the fact? What happened after you asked about it?

Rags's picture

I would say that this woman has written herself out of your life and estate.

Reciprocate by writing her off.

My DW and I married the week before my SS turned 2yo.  I adopted him at his request 20 years later.  I could not imagine the heart break I would experience in the same situation you are in.

You know now where you stand. Don't show up at 11.  Don't show up at all.  Let her enjoy her shallow and polluted gene pool and have her first lesson that her choices have consequences she will have to live with.  You are her father not her beck and call servant boy.

I hope you left her hanging.

I would have if I were you.

LakesideChill19's picture

Rags, I know you are right, but (as I say below) I would rather be wrong by being a good man, than be right by being a wrong man.  

Just how I'm built, for better or worse.

Rags's picture

Being the right and good man is delivering consistent messages related to the behaviors that others choose.

If you do not deliver the lessons, she will never learn and you will remain her ATM and beck and call boy. And that is betraying both her and yourself.

IMHO of course.

notarelative's picture

Since you were "the hired help", maybe you should send her a bill for your services. 

LakesideChill19's picture

That's genius.  It would go unpaid I'm sure.  Probably right up until she wants me to watch my "Grandchildren"...

lieutenant_dad's picture

Please tell me you either didn't take the stuff to her, are planning to talk to your SD about how you're hurt and done, and/or charged her for your services.

SeeYouNever's picture

She knew it would upset you but was too chicken to tell you sooner and risk losing your help. It would be one thing if you knew that was how it was going to be from the start but she showed you no respect at all by not telling you until the last minute. How incredibly rude and heartless. She's shown you her true nature, don't forget this.

I'm assuming she didn't do anything to acknowledge you or honor you at the reception.

LakesideChill19's picture

I think that maybe she did know and worried that she would lose my wallet.  All those years of "nuture over nature" have proven that Nature won out in the end. Her apple clearly fell closer to the tree than I thought.

LakesideChill19's picture

On Saturday, I do go. Yes, I was hurt and annoyed, but I gave my word, not just back then, but now.  Yes, I am hurt and feel very betrayed (which was the reason for this post; in hopes to show an example of what so many of here have learned the hard way).  I brought exactly what I committed to, took the high road, showed up and did my job.  There was no acknowledgement, nor do I think that she intended to.  She is old enough to know what she was doing.  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. That being said, there will be a reckoning.  There will be a conversation and it will be one sided.  She can claim being young and overwhelmed but at the end of the day, she knew what she was doing.  Am I wrong for taking the high road? Maybe.  But I would rather be wrong by being a good man, than be right by being a wrong man.  Posterity and history will be that judge.

I wish her and her husband the best.  She no longer has my name by law, and she no longer has my heart by action.  Some day, maybe she will understand, or maybe not.

ldvilen's picture

As sad as this is, I do have to applaud you for catching on so quickly and not dragging out and allowing yourself to be degraded for add'l months or even years, only to find out that in the end, anyway, blood won out.  You caught on a lot quicker than I did.

LakesideChill19's picture

On Saturday, I do go. Yes, I was hurt and annoyed, but I gave my word, not just back then, but now.  Yes, I am hurt and feel very betrayed (which was the reason for this post; in hopes to show an example of what so many of here have learned the hard way).  I brought exactly what I committed to, took the high road, showed up and did my job.  There was no acknowledgement, nor do I think that she intended to.  She is old enough to know what she was doing.  Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. That being said, there will be a reckoning.  There will be a conversation and it will be one sided.  She can claim being young and overwhelmed but at the end of the day, she knew what she was doing.  Am I wrong for taking the high road? Maybe.  But I would rather be wrong by being a good man, than be right by being a wrong man.  Posterity and history will be that judge.

I wish her and her husband the best.  She no longer has my name by law, and she no longer has my heart by action.  Some day, maybe she will understand, or maybe not.

Harry's picture

She show you where you stand.  No more being a ATM to her.  Christmas $50 gift , birthday $30 gift.  That if she is trying  to be nice or just a card.  No exter money, for cars, home, furniture of new home., No Vacations for her.   Let Bio dad help her.  Do not let her apologize to you,  This is something you can not take back or fix. 
When bio dad does nothing,  she is going to be coming to you got money.