Honest Opinions...is this “issue” worth Digging my heels in no matter the cost???
SS13 is the most worthless spoiled Lazy brat ever. He refuses to lift a finger around the house, leaves huge messes and spends all his time watching tv. DH to try and encourage SS13 to help around the house wants to pay him an Allowance. SS13 is very motivated by $$$. Im good with this so far. Now in the past whenever DH gave SS money SS would run out and buy video games and bring them to BM's house. The problem is then when we went places SS would never have any money and beg DH to buy him something which DH did.
I told DH I don't agree with this. SS has plenty of money to buy stuff at BM's so the money SS13 gets at our house should stay here so SS has it when he wants something. DH Disagrees and said it's SS's money so he can do whatever he wants with it. That is true but my problem is then SS comes to DH to pay for everything which DH does because SS used all his money to buy something for BM's house.
DH and I have had huge fights over this. DH states his ONE GOAL is to get SS to help around the house and he does not care what happens to the money. DH said if he tells SS he has to keep the money he earns at our house SS will refuse to do any work which is true.
So thoughts on this please..is DH right in the goal is to just get SS motivated to start helping around the house?
Personally, I'd disengage
Personally, I'd disengage entirely and let DH deal with his kid. But I also wouldn't pick up the slack of what the kid should be doing.
Seems to me that he's just increasing the entitlement by bribing him to do chores. I'm all for rewards, but these are bribes, not rewards.
Does DH actually reward SS
Does DH actually reward SS doing stuff around the house with money, or just give SS money regardless? You said DH "wants to pay him an allowance" - if this is conditional on his hard work on chores then yes, I agree with DH he should get to spend it however he sees fit. But if he doesn't do any chores then the lazy little shit should not, IMHO, get any money whatsoever.
Yes DH will only give money if SS13 does work
But if SS wants a new toy and has no money DH will 99% of the time give it to him
So he only cares about having
So he only cares about having him work around the house, not about teaching him financial skills? Maybe he could at least subtract that money from the next paycheck he gets for doing chores. But right, he won't, because SS has all the power and he won't work unless it's on his terms. That's the problem - DH needs to take back power as a parent and stop negotiating with this kid.
I'm trying to imagine a world in which I told my parents I wouldn't work around the house unless I got paid. LOL! They would not have taken kindly to that.
If SS gets DH to buy him
If SS gets DH to buy him things by begging - this is the lesson DH is teaching SS. SS begs and he gets.
Why does DH want him to work in the home? what lesson is he trying to convey?
I mean if Dh Is spending
I mean if Dh Is spending money on new video games ect for SS that I would put my foot down on if it's like snacks or something I would let that go
As far as where he keeps his
As far as where he keeps his money or what he spends it on, as much as you want to teach him financial responsibility, it is his money. But he should learn from natural consequences, if he forgot to bring his money or spends it all he should know that does not mean Daddy will automatically whip out his wallet.
MAybe suggest to your husband that him buying SS something every time he asks is actually hurting his goal of getting SS to help around the house. If daddy gets him whatever he wants anywy, it reduces SS motivation to earn an allowance. What does having money matter if you can get someone else to pay for what you want anyway.Perhaps if SS wants daddy to buy him stuff, daddy can agree to buy it for him if SS does extra chores in addition to whatever he has to do to get his allowance. He wants daddy to buy him a new video gsme... okay. "Sure son. I'll buy it. And I'll give it to you as soon as you finish cleaning the basement"
The short answer to your
The short answer to your question is "no". This shouldn't be a hill to die on for you.
This is a parenting decision.. and as long as the funds to do this aren't coming out of your joint family resources.. and if an allowance will help motivate his son to participate in household chores.. then per your husband.... THAT is the lesson he is trying to instill and in itself is a worthy goal. (whether he caves and gives the kid money anyway... THAT might be an area where I would throw my 2 cents that his system only works if he holds the line on his open wallet policy when no work is done).
Kids are not fans of limiting their ability to take things from house to house.. especially if they may spend less time in one home... meaning if they have to leave things.. they don't enjoy them much. I understand that sometimes there have to be limits because otherwise the kid has nothing to wear.. but toys and gifts.. things they buy for themselves.. they should have some autonomy over whether they take them with them.
The flip side of that is that the kid better be reminded that they should also remember to bring some of these entertainment items back when they have visitation so that they don't get bored.. I would not be running out to buy more things when the kids are removing everything from my home.
So.. let the kid do with his toys as he sees fit... but don't subsidize their irresponsiblity when they don't bring these things back when they take them to the other house.
KIds need to learn how to
KIds need to learn how to balance their money with their wants. If they spend their money on things at BM's, the have no ability to buy things at dad's house.
They need to live their choices rather than have daddy volunteer to be their guild ridden victim.