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His, Mine, Ours?

evilstepmom217's picture

A while back I posted that I thought I might be pregnant and I was so worried about DH's reaction if that were the case. Fast forward... I was not pregnant. However, the whole order got me really soul searching myself, and I just couldn't dismiss the fact that I DO want another child. He has a boy (15) and a girl (12) and I have a boy (12) and a girl (2). Yes, I know this is already a house full. But I also know that in a few short years it will be just us and the little one. And I have never had the chance to have a happy loving pregnancy, and I really want to be able to give DD2 a sibling to grow up with... Anyway... after the scare DH has scheduled a vasectomy and is adamant that we will not have any more children. I'm really upset about this because it's my life too... and further more, before I ever agreed to move in with him or later marry him I made SURE that he knew I wanted one more and that he wouldn't keep me from that. He originally said that the choice would be mine and all he can come up with now that we are married and I actually want this is "I changed my mind." Well what the hell? How do I even go about discussing this with him? And... am I selfish for wanting another? Really looking for some objective advice here...

evilstepmom217's picture

That's exactly how I feel. He claims that he did originally feel that way but that after living together with all 4 kids it's something he "can't handle" and it's "too much." Meanwhile all three older kids want this along with me and he is the only one that feels it will "inconvenience" him.

TimeWillTell's picture

Doesn't matter what the 3 kids want. That argument is as ridiculous as NOT having another child because kids don't want it.

Also, if he doesn't want another kid, even if he lied/changed his mind/whatever, you will NOT get your "happy pregnancy".

A lot needs to be figured out before any action, pregnancy or vasectomy, in your house.

Loxy's picture

That’s a big assumption that DH lied and I personally find his explanation quite plausible. My DH changed his mind too – in the beginning of our relationship I was up-front that I wanted my own kids (he came with two and I didn’t have any) and if he wasn’t prepared to have more we would be over before we started. He said he would love to have kids with me. Fast forward a few years to after we got married and he told me he changed his mind.

I don’t believe he lied to me in the beginning, I think that the idea (when in the honeymoon stages) is often more appealing that when faced with actual reality. My DH got used to parenting part-time (ie equal shared custody) and he likes it that way. I don’t blame him for this as I think good parenting is about quality as opposed to quantity, and as we have no family support, I also don’t relish having no free time again for a very, very long time.

However, that didn’t change the fact for me that I wanted my own kid(s). So we fought about it for years until I had no choice but to give him an ultimatum (as much as I hate that term). However, I sat him down and explained that this was non-negotiable for me so he had to make a choice – either we try for a baby or we split up. He chose the former as he didn’t want to lose our relationship.

Turns out we had all sorts of fertility issues and horrible fertility treatments and it almost never happened. I’m now pregnant with my first (and only given my age and difficulties) due in June.

I can tell you that having a child with someone who is reluctant is not an ideal way to do it. And in your case I would not push the issue given you are both bio parents already and have your hands full. However, ultimately you have to decide what’s more important to you. Are you prepared to lose your relationship over this? I was – I love my DH with all my heart and very much did not want to break up but I also knew my desire for a child was only getting stronger with age and if I gave that up for him I would always resent him and it would have broken us anyway.

Best of luck!

evilstepmom217's picture

That you for that! I do love him with all my heart. I love my kids and my step kids too. We actually have a wonderful little family together as-is. I don't know why I am struggling so hard with this : (

Loxy's picture

That’s a big assumption that DH lied and I personally find his explanation quite plausible. My DH changed his mind too – in the beginning of our relationship I was up-front that I wanted my own kids (he came with two and I didn’t have any) and if he wasn’t prepared to have more we would be over before we started. He said he would love to have kids with me. Fast forward a few years to after we got married and he told me he changed his mind.

I don’t believe he lied to me in the beginning, I think that the idea (when in the honeymoon stages) is often more appealing that when faced with actual reality. My DH got used to parenting part-time (ie equal shared custody) and he likes it that way. I don’t blame him for this as I think good parenting is about quality as opposed to quantity, and as we have no family support, I also don’t relish having no free time again for a very, very long time.

However, that didn’t change the fact for me that I wanted my own kid(s). So we fought about it for years until I had no choice but to give him an ultimatum (as much as I hate that term). However, I sat him down and explained that this was non-negotiable for me so he had to make a choice – either we try for a baby or we split up. He chose the former as he didn’t want to lose our relationship.

Turns out we had all sorts of fertility issues and horrible fertility treatments and it almost never happened. I’m now pregnant with my first (and only given my age and difficulties) due in June.

I can tell you that having a child with someone who is reluctant is not an ideal way to do it. And in your case I would not push the issue given you are both bio parents already and have your hands full. However, ultimately you have to decide what’s more important to you. Are you prepared to lose your relationship over this? I was – I love my DH with all my heart and very much did not want to break up but I also knew my desire for a child was only getting stronger with age and if I gave that up for him I would always resent him and it would have broken us anyway.

Best of luck!

Merrywey's picture

He may have legitimately changed his mind. Maybe the idea of another overwhelms him. Maybe u should consider ounseling to help u both through this and to and outcome u both agree on. And if u brought the kids into the decision process—shame on u.

evilstepmom217's picture

I guess I should clarify what I meant about the kids... They have no idea this is even a discussion. I'm not in the habit of involving children in adult business..... I was simply referring the unprovoked comments that have been made by all of them to myself and my husband regarding the fact that they wish we would have a baby...

twoviewpoints's picture

" and further more, before I ever agreed to move in with him or later marry him I made SURE that he knew I wanted one more and that he wouldn't keep me from that."

Just to clarify, as I'm not sure exactly what you are saying, the two year old is a child between your current husband and yourself, correct? So does your statement above mean you already had the two year old before moving in with and marrying the baby's father (aka, your current husband)?

The guy did give you one child, correct? But after her birth he also promised to allow another joint second child if you moved in and married him? And now he is saying 'no' to the second baby?

evilstepmom217's picture

It's complicated. He is not her biological father, no. We dated from the time I was about 4-5 months along and he stayed a night with me in the hospital when she was born and we eventually married and he signed a paternity acknowledgement and gave her his last name. She is his. But those facts are probably relevant in this case...

Stepped in what momma's picture

"chance to have a happy loving pregnancy"
I would call the fact that a man stuck by my side during a pregnancy not caused by him that has since claimed this child as his own, a happy loving pregnancy.

evilstepmom217's picture

Sort of... I was ONE of the women he dated during that time... After she was born I finally told him I was done with him because he couldn't bring himself to be with just me, and when she was about 7 months old he finally begged me back and I we ended up working through things for the ultimate greater good, but it was definitely a hard thing to work through... It wasn't all rainbows.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Objectively?

You already have FOUR kids, which is a lot these days on this shrinking planet. Do you have sufficient funds set aside for college, weddings, cars, etc for all four? Are your retirement accounts fully funded??

I can't imagine devoting over thirty years of my life to child rearing. Or being a grandparent while still raising your own small ones. Or not having any time to enjoy being empty nesters before the gkids come.

I mean this kindly when I ask, when do you plan for it to be just you and your DH? Because life with all the kids out of the house is amazing when you're still going and active enough to fully enjoy it.

Certainly, your DH should not have told you he'd be fine with another baby if he isn't, but it sounds as if you're thinking emotionally while he's trying to be practical. Maybe a few sessions with a marriage counselor can help the two of you get on the same page.

evilstepmom217's picture

Thank you. I am thinking more emotionally. My path in life has been rough. He is a really good man and a wonderful father. I believe he thinks logically exactly as you just described, and it's something I cannot logically argue with. You are right there. However, my heart and soul just aches to be able to have this that I have never had the opportunity to have and I don't know how to let go of that without regret and resentment. It's heartbreaking...

Tomatoe's picture

I wanted to give birth naturally but never could. My babies were breech. It was heart breaking but I lived. I could have had another child to fulfill that dream but you don't have kids to fulfill your dreams.

blueskies4me's picture

Most first world countries have declining populations; third world countries have increasing populations. OP could have ten kids and it wouldn’t make a lick if difference. OP has two kids, not four.

I have two children, not three.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I thought the OP and her DH each had two children, making for a household of four kids?

Regardless of which countries have the highest birthrates, it still represents an ever increasing demand on our finite global resources. Earth's population has already tripled since 1950, which is pretty scary. 7 billion and counting...

blueskies4me's picture

You said she has four kids; she doesn’t. She didn’t birth the skids or adopt them.

Stepdemon is no more my kid than some random kid down the block. It absolutely matters. Japan is in crisis with too few babies as are a number of European countries, Canada etc. Hell, I’m pretty sure Russia’s population is in decline.

The global human population will peak; then begin to decline in the future. That’s a scientific principle btw.

You’re probably childless or childfree which if you chose that, it’s fine. Your body, your choice. Just don’t spout overpopulation stuff that’s inaccurate and misleading.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Blueskies, you're fairly new to this site, so I'll ask you nicely to please turn down the snark. Unless you have a problem with me, in which case feel free to pm me.

Split hairs if you like, but the OP and her spouse are responsible for four children.

And I'm not "spouting" anything. The OP asked for some objective advice, and I gave her some points to ponder.

As for global population growth projections, you're correct in that most models predict there will be a peak in population, followed by a decline. Depending on the study however, that peak and decline may come in this century, or may not come for a few hundred years. Does the OP care about this? Does her spouse? We don't know, but I hope we've given her some food for thought.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Maybe after living with 4 children, your husband realizes that his emotional and perhaps financial
capital is fully expended. Far too many men are willing to father children for whom they are not prepared to parent. Realizing his limit and acting
responsibly was not misleading you.

You want a certain type of pregnancy experience but your husband is likely thinking about the long term.

Maybe the thing to do is to look at the positives in your life rather than to make up for something that you think that you missed.

evilstepmom217's picture

You're 100% right. That's exactly what is going on here. I think ultimately he is probably right to have a change of heart. And truly appreciate all of the insight from everyone here. Focusing on the positives is exactly what I am trying to bring myself to do. I just wish I could figure out why this is so hard for me. I just want to be SURE that I don't harbor hard feelings over the whole situation because that isn't healthy either :/

Tomatoe's picture

Dh and I agreed to 6 kids. Thankfully we realized that would be to many. He is allowed to change his mind.

Acratopotes's picture

I think your husband has a point, 4 children is more then enough in today's economy....

YOu want something you can't have, and now you are stuck on it, have you ever thought about the financial implications? Took DH's age in consideration and your own, retirement plans, etc.

It's nice to want more children and more children, but heck can you afford it?

evilstepmom217's picture

That's his point. He says he understands my feelings but that he knows that another kid would "cripple" us. I know it has nothing to do with not wanting a baby with me. It has everything to do with wanting to make sure that we don't struggle.

just_a_girl's picture

You can try to supplement your income, earn more, find a new job. Perhaps this way you will convince him that you can face a new baby.

TheBrightSide's picture

What if you found someone with a newborn and then asked them if you could just smell it (newborns smell so good right?). Kinda like when you're trying to get off cigarettes and you just smell someone next to you smoking. Smells heavenly. Then you look at that smoker's wrinkly face and smell their stinky clothes and see how their smoking interferes with their life. That could be you! All wrinkly and smelly. No one wants that!

In summary: Smell a baby, give it back, then get your man to get a vasectomy.

Acratopotes's picture

new puppies smell way better then any other new born human baby.......

and hey, I'm a smoker but I do not smell .... people are shocked to see me smoking cause I never smell of smoke, yeah it's possible and I do 20-30 a day

TheBrightSide's picture

Acra, I was a smoker too. I'm now hardcore addicted to nicotine gum. Seriously. For YEARS I've been addicted to the gum. I'm chewing on some right now. I'm drinking my morning coffee and chewin' on some gum....all I'm missing is the view of the ocean...

Acratopotes's picture

}:) }:) }:) having a lovely view of the ocean and beach.... even from my office window... might skip walking to day and go for a dip, heck crayfish season closes in 30 days...... or might take my new pups down for a swim and a laugh...

chewing gum, nope never, I stick to the real thing.... if you lived on Mars you would understand why I hate gum... people look like cows chewing, and this while you try and get some customer service ... oh mouth wide open you can see last years breakfast