I have been with my partner for 2 years. I knew coming into the relationship that he had 3 children (2 that he had regular contact with and 1 that he didn’t have contact with due to his ex being difficult (his youngest who has a different mother to the eldest two). When allowing us to enter into a relationship I knew that the kids would play a big part in our relationship and that this would have to be a responsibility that I would welcome and be willing to take on. I have no children of my own so this for me was a big decision that I didn’t take lightly.
For the last 2 years I have built up a great bond with my partners eldest two children and treat them as I would if I had my own children. I have been very careful not to overstep any boundaries as to upset their mother and I am very lucky to have two amazing stepchildren.
I won’t lie and say it has been a walk in the park it hasn’t. I have faced the challenges of being a stepparent head on and this has included on occasion unnecessary challenge and receipt of hurtful comments from the children’s mother. Being a stepparent has most definitely been a learn curve and a big adjustment. It has been hard work and has been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster, but we have gotten through and I am very lucky to have a really good relationship with my partner’s eldest children.
6 weeks ago, very much out of the blue my partner became involved in his youngest child’s life again. I am really happy that his ex is now allowing him the opportunity to see and be a father to his youngest child as there had been no legitimate reason for her to deny him being in his child life prior to this.
But, if I am being honest, I am struggling with this adjustment. We have spent 2 years as a four (me, him and his two eldest children), and it has been categorically said that I am not to and will never be allowed to have contact with his youngest child, so this child will always just be a name to me and not part of our family dynamic. I can accept this to an extent as I respect the mother’s decision it is her ongoing actions that I have issue with.
Unfortunately, my partner’s youngest child has very complex health care needs, as such whenever my partner see her his ex is present (I get and understand that).
Over the last 6 weeks my partner’s youngest child has been taken to hospital 4 times. Each time my partner has attended to support his child. After most of these hospital visits my partner has said that he doesn’t actually think that his daughter needed to be taken to hospital and that his ex had exaggerated the symptoms and kept tripping herself up in the trap of her own lies. (I might add at this point my partner’s ex is a narcissistic sociopath (his words not mine)).
He is seeing his youngest every other day. This is more frequently than we see his eldest two but I guess he is making up for lost time.
During the time that is spent at these hospital visits and visiting his daughter at her home my partner’s ex likes to reminisce about their relationship and what could have been. My partner has come away from such visits saying how he feels like his ex is trying to groom him and how he feels like she wants him to still want her. She messages him constantly throughout the day about his youngest and she rings him like clockwork every evening for lengthy conversations which just reiterate previous messages and phone calls for what feels like just an excuse to talk to him and take up his time. It’s good that she now wants to keep him updated but this feels too much and unnecessary all the time every day.
In addition, she has also passed comments trying to cause argument between me and my partner in what seems like an attempt to split us up despite her not knowing me and never having met me.
I am really struggling to accept that this is all normal. It isn’t like this with the mother of his eldest two. Am I being unreasonable?
I am really struggling with this.