Here we go again !!!!!
Posting again, everything has been so good and boom here we go again and I just dont know what to do. My relationship with my husband has been great, our family has been great. We have a 10 yr old, a 2 yr old & a 4 month old. I dont want to get a divorce, what can I do??!!!!
My 18 yr old step daughter hates me and wants nothing to do with me. We had an awesome relationship for 8 years and then all of a sudden when she turned 17 she said she didn’t have a reason but just didn’t like me said horrible untrue things about me, was extremely disrespectful to me, and did some very dishonest things. This all caused serious problems in our marriage, plus he was very dishonest with me when it came to her and we went to counseling to save our marriage. Ultimately he finally put his foot down which caused her to get mad and leave (to her moms-she chose to leave we didn’t kick her out although she told everyone I kicked her out) and cut off all communication with both of us. No contact for over a year and everything has been peaceful and our marriage has been great. Now she is a senior and started talking to him again, after ignoring all his attempts at communication for all this time (I think it’s pretty interesting that she only started answering him when she wanted him to buy her things). I’m having a really hard time with all of this as she and her boyfriend owe us thousands of dollars because of some crap they pulled we had to pay for (bank fraud), this girl put me through HELL, and no matter how many times I hear that I need to just love her or I need to try and see her how Christ sees her I just see an irresponsible manipulative selfish person and I get physically ill when I hear her name or think about her. I found out yesterday that my husband took my kids to see her and take her shopping. I got upset and asked him about it and if she has said anything about paying back the money and he told me it’s none of my business and he doesn’t have to tell me anything. I also just found out my husband has been talking to her about helping to buy her a car which we can’t afford, plus he promised me before that because of what she has done he would never help her get a car. I am so upset and sad and mad and I just don’t know what to do. I went through a horrible depression because of what she put me through and the strain on my marriage and I feel like it’s all going to happen again. I don’t even know what to say to him. I cried all day yesterday I felt like all the hurt and anger just came flooding back. I need advice please.
I have not even told him yet I know about the car, because I found out by taking his phone and looking at his messages.
I take it from your earlier
I take it from your earlier post that while you do work.. your DH does make more and is able to pay a higher portion of the living expenses for the family.
While I don't necessarily believe joint finances are necessary.. I do believe that there should be some level of transparency and honesty about finances with a couple. But, I do believe that people should have their own money that they earn that they can decide to spend as they wish.
So... for you and your DH.. figure out the joint cost you both contribute to.. decide what you both agree to save and contribute to joint savings for future joint purchases... that should leave you each with some residual.. to spend as you both wish. If he wants to give his daughter money from HIS pot to bail her out.. or buy a car.. that is HIS business. It's not your money.. not your business... as long as he has met the JOINT obligations of your household. If YOU want to buy yourself a pair of Manalo pumps... matching set for you and your 9 yo daughter from YOUR discretionary income? That is your choice.. neither of you get to complain about what the other spends out of NON-JOINT pots of money.
Now.. if he blows all his residual on his daughter and shows up with a six pack of natty light for your birthday? You get mad about the cheap present.. you can point out that he seems to have plenty of money when others are concerned.
By sitting down and separating the finances.. you are removing your worry over what he spends.. as long as he limits that spend to only HIS discretionary income... and leaves yours to you.
we are tapped out
Due to ER visits for both my sons & and my husband, my miscarriage, and the birth of my daughter we have so many medical bill payments it is not even funny. He only makes more money because we both decided it would be best for me to stay home 1 day a week so I now have a 4 day work week. In years past I made substantially better money. I was the sole income earner for a year when he had no job (odd and bad circumstance) and he tried to start his own auto accessories business and made zero income. We have discussed that right now our biggest priority is to save what we can for emergancies as we have none right now, pay off our debt, and we are trying to set aside what we can to move because our house situation is awful and we hate many things about our house and neighborhood. We each have like $50 after essentials to spend on ourselves each month.
How is he able to give her
How is he able to give her money then.. you must have it joint?
That's what you are missing... he can't take money from bills to pay her.. otherwise you aren't meeting your bills? That is your business...and you need to call him on it.
He doesn’t know
That I know about the car yet. The only thing I can think of is that he would potentially take out a loan for it. Otherwise I have no idea how he would do it. And that maybe he is under the impression she will help make the payments because once again he will believe something she says; but I don’t know. And I have to tell him I went through his phone which I’m not looking forward to but I’m so tired of the dishonestly when it comes to her I wanted to know what else he wasn’t telling me and sure enough I found that.
More than the money
It feels like this is more than just the money, although it is also about the money.
If you can work out the financial end, great, but there is a bigger picture here.
I recall from your previous posts that your husband can be deceptive and cagey at times. And its happening again. Your husband has betrayed your trust in a fundamentally bad way - hiding debts and hiding the relationship with SD from you - almost as if he has a girlfriend on the side!
And it doesnt help at all that financially you are dependent on him. Thats a rock and a hard place.
I think you need to drag his butt back to therapy, and then work out the finances. He wants to get back into princess's good graces and is trying to buy his way in. But he is not doing right by you or your children. So, when he takes money, and gives/spends to princess, Ive seen people advise to take an equal amount and put in a separate YOU/YOUR KIDS account. Can you afford to do this?
Also, the money she and her bf owe: before he takes her shopping again, sit him down and work out a re-payment plan, put the numbers on paper, like a contract. It doesnt matter what her feelings towards you are, this is BUSINESS, its nothing persoal. Marriage is a contract. Like a business entity. Try to think of the numbers rather than the betrayal. Approach him with the numbers of what your household finances need to look like for him to do ANYTHING MORE for princess.
Yes
yes that’s exactly what I feel like he is right back to old way of acting after we went through counseling and so much together to be happy. And he won’t pay it back, he signed a repayment agreement and never made a payment and refuses to answer when my husband tried to contact him. He is supposed to be serving him to take him to court (repayment was in my husbands name) but hasn’t yet, my trying to ask him to get it done was what led to this whole thing again. I just feel so hopeless because everything we worked on in counseling just flew right out the window. And it is more than about the money. I understand that he wants a relationship with his daughter but I don’t understand why he is willing to settle for one where she manipulated him and doesn’t care about him. He just bought her everything she needed for her EMT program she was in, and she just graduated from it and said he couldn’t go because there wasn’t enough room for him. My sister showed me the pictures (from Facebook) where her moms ENTIRE family was there, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone. Yeah right there was no room for my husband. And he’s so desperate he’s fine with that. He also won’t axknowledge that I lost anything, shen she pulled the crap she pulled I lost a daughter too and I that killed me, but that has ever mattered and I know that makes me even more Bitter about the whole thing.