Help solve a disagreement
Forums:
Please help with A disagreement around saving accounts for kids in blended family. We need an opinion or two to help navigate an issue without a fight popping up.
Prior to marriage one parent had small savings account for each child and the other parent did not. Now that we are married the two children who did not have a savings account are being started with one. Should that amount match what the other parent added to the other children’s account prior to marriage, Or if we add $ to accounts should they be the same amount moving forward even though two of the kids have considerably less to start.
as an example...should we:
- put $100 into each kids savings account
- make savings accounts for all kids equal first and then start contributing equally
IMO, two just start out with
IMO, two just start out with less. It's fortunate one parent of two kids did the saving thing an unfortunate the parent of other two kids did not.... however unless the parent of the two kids just now getting started is willing to put the 'match' to start out of their own personal 'mad cash', the account simply reman uneven.
Perfectly natural for the oldest accounts to have more cash in them.
I'm with twoviewpoints
In addition, I don't think the amounts being put in the accounts moving forward necessarily have to be the same. If one parent is financially able to save more for their child than the other, it doesn't mean they should have to save less just because the other parent can't afford to save more.
Thanks for the reply. We
Thanks for the reply. We have joined finances so there will not be one parent being able to afford more than the other. I make a considerable amount more than my spouse, and am the one who did not have a saving account for my two children. My spouse is of the mindset that because I didnt have the kids saving before the marriage, I cannot make them even (with the amount he funded in his childrens account) now...And that all money added into accounts moving forward needs to be the same across all children.
Twoviewpoints is correct, the
Twoviewpoints is correct, the two that started out with more, just have more, unless the parent of the two who started out with nothing is willing to play catch up with their own funds.
Things are just different in a blended family, especially when it comes to money.
Maybe I am just a bitch, but when I got with DH, I in no way felt responsible for the financial future of his daughter.
Each parent needs to contribute what they can to their children's account. If it is not the same, it is not the same.
Is the other parent of each set of kids contributing?
Thanks for the reply. No, other parents are not contributing... these are accounts for for our home. As I replied above....We have joined finances so there will not be one parent being able to afford more than the other. I make a considerable amount more than my spouse, and am the one who did not have a saving account for my two children. My spouse is of the mindset that because I didnt have the kids saving before the marriage, I cannot make them even (with the amount he funded in his childrens account) now...And that all money added into accounts moving forward needs to be the same across all children.
Sorry, but if you make
Sorry, but if you make considerably more than your spouse and you want to add more to your kids' accounts, you absolutely can.
This is why my husband and I do not have joint accounts (even after 22 years). I don't tell him what he can do with his money and he doesn't tell me what I can do with mine. We do discuss finances but as long as both of us is contributing to the bills and saving for emergencies and retirement, we don't tell each other what we can and cannot do with our money.
No. Skids who didn’t have one
No. Skids who didn’t have one don’t automatically start one equal to the amount of the skid who already had one. Stepparents also do not contribute to skid accounts unless it’s a gift that you’re willing to let go of forever.
DD has her own savings account for when she goes off to college and starts her own life. My two skids did not have any. DH doesn’t have the funds to start accounts for his kids. I won’t be starting accounts for them using my own money. If DH were ever to start one for them I would it be contributing to it. There was a time when I would have but things changed when skids became jerks to me. That’s a huge gift that ungrateful skids do not deserve.
I just read your replies. If
I just read your replies. If you have money stashed somewhere use that for your own kids. Example if you have a mutual fund or index account, put your biological kids as beneficiaries, not DH or his kid. That’s how you can do it without causing a fight. He has no say about who inherits your money before he met you. I make six digits while DH makes mid five digits. I was generous when we moved in together but when I saw how he and skid were I was only willing to contribute to the household the same amount DH was, and he has two kids, I have one. Don’t let them take all your money. Nothing is forever and you don’t want them to bleed you dry. You don’t know what the future holds. Always protect yourself and your children.
Thanks for the reply.
Thanks for the reply. Financially, my DH and I sound similar to making what you and your DH make. I make great money, but really just started making as much as I do in the past two years. I have not been disciplined in how I save/spend the money I make, while DH is much better in that arena. I prefer him to manage the money so that I don’t even have to look at the accounts. And I trust him. This one has stuck a nerve with me however, because I recognize that I should have had a saving account for my children but didn’t and now need to make up for it. He believes that if I put a couple hundred in my boys accounts (out of our joint account where all of my paychecks go) then we need to do the same for his children (who already have an account with more money in it). I agree that after making accounts even, we should most definitely contribute at an equal rate across all kids accounts.
im not trying to play the “I make more than you” game and that means I do whatever I want... I just want to start my kids out on equal footing in savings. After that, the kids all get the same from both of us.
I do need to know if this is ridiculous, as my DH cannot see my side and I cannot see his.
Yeah, this situation is
Yeah, this situation is looking a little different now (with new info) since original posted question.
As the financial household runs as 'joint' and you earn quite a bit more than your now DH, I'm going to take it you already foot more than the majority share of the household expense. Which is fine if you are good with that thought.
However, I would think even with joint money and the old one for all and all for one line of finances , that there is some sort of 'mad cash' allowances for each adult. Example, you have a set amount each adult gets to spend on whatever each month. Over priced lattes, manicures, beauty shop, sport store, baseball game with his buds tickets blah blah.
Why can't one or both of you deposit in your individual childrens savings account anything you please from their left over 'mad cash' ? For instance, you each get $100 a month for whatever you please, no questions asked. But you only spend $50 of yours. What's the big deal if you then drop the remaining $50 you didn't spend in your two kid's account? $25 each. Dh would be free also to drop in is kid's account anything he might have leftover.
Also, next question. Have the children themselves contributed to their accounts? Example , they have put their $75 birthday and Christmas cash gift from Uncle Harry in their individual account. But the other two have been spending their cash gifts. What happens when two kids gets more money from his side of the family than two kids from your side of the family. Kids want to put in savings. But deposit will not be equal in size. Are you and Dh then going to make up that difference in amounts?
And yes, sometimes grandparents and extended family do not give equal gifts to step grandkids as their own bio grandkids. Have you and Dh discussed this possibilty of things not always being 'fair' and/or the 'same'.
It's actually too bad this topic was not brought up prior to marriage and before finances went joint. You could have dropped cash in your own kid's accounts without it now being an issue of contention.
Good point. I do have more
Good point. I do have more “mad cash” than he does each month (for my expensive lattes and manicures). I can easily drop that into the account. I didn’t think of that, Thanks. I think we would both be ok this route.
Also, after the initial
Also, after the initial funding the kids have to save 30% of everything they get and we expect them to all get different amounts to save each year. We’ll prob just add a couple hundred to all accounts each year.
How much money are we talking about
The different. Maybe you should split finances. Find total household expenses for the month. Each payed 1/2 of that into a household account. Then Have a Vacation account, Xmas fund account, new car account. Saving for retirement account. That you both put in equal money. Then some mad money each month
i've erased my comment three
i've erased my comment three times because I want to be polite, but several things you've said or shared just dont sit right with me.
Firstly, finances in second marriages are much different than in first ones, which is why so many remarried couples keep separate finances. There's just too many moving parts and differing obligations and priorities to make the "one pot" system work in many cases. Secondly, as a woman and a mother of minor children, your statement that you prefer that your new husband handle the money so you don't even have to look at the accounts troubles me. No woman, married or single, should blindly trust anyone else to manage her finances for her. At the very least you and your H should handle the monthly bills together. Have you considered having private accounts and a joint household account? What if one of his kids is involved in an expensive exta curricular - should you pay for that, or put that money away for your own kids' future?
I would advise against joint
I would advise against joint finances. I am not saying you can't have a joint account that you pay all of your bills from and use to save towards vacations/retirement etc but I would not comingle my discretionary income. This relatively minor issue is the reason why. I can obviously see both sides here. On the one hand, your SO carefully set aside money for their kids and now they have X amount (I guess the amount matters.. 500 dollars or 5,000 dollars..lol). Perhaps others contributed to that..like when they got birthday money they could save it.. or were required to save a percentage. Over the years.. on the other hand.. your kids got "stuff" instead to a certain extent..or you didn't allocate your funds the same way. So, yeah.. I can see the point that your two kids shouldn't automatically get ...lets say a 5K deposit each right now from "joint funds"..
On the other hand, if you will be contributing significantly more.. instead of subsidizing your partner to an extent, you would have more money to put into your children's savings NOW that you DO have enough available to do that.
So, that's why I would advocate NOT joining finances. Again, a joint account is fine.. but keep your other funds separate. Making joint financial plans for the future is fine too.. but you can maintain your individual retirement accounts etc... you can own property together too.. just have to come up with a fair allocation of who contributes what.