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Help! Pregnant & soon to be step son stressing me out!!!!

jamieee1979's picture

I did not have a chance to bond with my soon to be 12y/o step son before moving in with my soon to be husband, so I know it was an adjustment for him when I moved in. I also have two daughters 14/9 who have acclimated well. Since the day I got here, he has been rude and takes pictures and videos of me almost every time he is around me and then sends them to his mom. Most recently Friday after we went to the ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby -which was supposed to be a happy day - I first caught him taking my picture, then a video. My eldest was sitting behind him and was watching him take it then text it to his mom. I looked back at him and shook my head, then he quickly deleted the video/text and took one of my youngest and sent it to his friends saying "look my sister sings pretty good" I imagine because he knew I was going to say something.
His dad told him it wasnt right that night and took his phone away, but this isnt the first time he has done it. I feel like he has no serious repruccusions for his actions. At the same time I dont even know what his punishment should be but I feel like what ever my fiance is doing is clearly not enough since he takes pictures and videos all the time, not to mention is not nice to me unless his dad is present. I know this is a big change for him but this is also a big change for my girls and I - we moved all the way from Florida to California. They have had to move schools, homes, make new friends and I feel we have it a bit harder than him and we are not acting out, we are trying to all get along.
At this point, I feel like my pregnancy is full of stress and I am extremely unhappy. I feel like I need to go on antidepressants because I am upset every time he is around and I feel like my boyfriend is not taking it seriously and when I bring it up, he discredits me being upset/angry and is rude to me. It makes me feel like I made the wrong decision moving here.

Please help with suggestions of what I can do to make this situation better.

Thanks in advance.

jamieee1979's picture

His dad is the one who pays for his phone and currently it is taken away. I don't think he would do that.

my.kids.mom's picture

^^^^THIS^^^^^ My kids and I all have phones that you can only text and talk. We use cricket, where you would have to pay more for data, etc. My bf has already run into a problem with his 12boy also, it is not worth the trouble. If this kid takes an inappropriate video/pic it is considered child porn and it can get the parents in trouble. Not.worth.it.

jamieee1979's picture

He does not take innapropriate pictures.

Also, I guess I am going to try to disengage and try to not care. That's not what I want but I guess it's all I can do. I want everyone to be close and have a great family. And no, he is not an every other weekend child. We have him W-Friday and every other weekend. Sometimes more.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

" I want everyone to be close and have a great family."

You are going to be very dissapointed. Just start protecting yourself now. Otherwise you will regret having to undo everything later.

YOU don't need antidepressants. There is nothing wrong with you. SO is just an asshole.

Orange County Ca's picture

I'm not sure he's enamored with taking pictures or dis-enamored with you. His mother may be spitting nails getting all these pictures thinking he's found a new Mom.

It is disconcerting to be in front of a camera all the time. I can understand that. But has anyone explained this to the boy? Dad can explain all of this to him - which reminds me all discipline should come from him. This can be a problem when there are two sets of rules in the home but as a step-parent you are better off staying out of his disciplining of the boy.

Taking a phone away is pretty serious consequences for the current new generation - I wouldn't downplay it. Of course what really matters is how did the boy take it? If he shrugged it off then its not much of a consequence.

I'm assuming he's a weekend visitor. Leave it all up to Dad, make your concerns known in private then back up Dad in public. If the kid persists in taking pictures whip out your phone and take pictures right back while saying "And here's another example of (dear childs name) taking pictures of me - isn't he soooo cute? I'm going to post this on YouTube". Then tweak his cheek.

You and your kids adjustments to the situation are irrelevent to how he should adjust. First he's a boy not a girl. I'm going to bet his parents break-up doesn't parallel your own. There are no unwounded children in a divorce - its a matter of degree and the individual. Again - let Dad work with the kid don't get involved in the raising of the boy. As a step parent you're powerless and bound to lose any battle you get into.

Use the search option on this site and put in the word "disengage" and read up on a method which will save you a lot of hearache.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Well, your boyfriend is the problem here. You feel like he is allowing his son to get away with a lot. You are pregnant, this does not make things easier.

He did punish him by taking away his phone. So I am guessing that this punishment is not working, because he continues to do it, correct?

So here is how I would handle it. I'd talk to my SO and explain that SS continues to do it even though he has been punished. That something else needs to occur here. I am not sure how you feel about this, but if it were me I would tell SO YOU plan to handle SS yourself if it continues unless he plans to settle it once and for all.

The next time the kid takes any video of you, cease doing ANYthing for the child. There has to be something that YOU can take away from him or not do for him that will get his attention.If dad won't handle his child's behavior towards you, you have to stick up for yourself, regardless of dad's response.

Me personally?? the next time it happened, I'd sneak that phone away from the kid and put it in the toilet. Then I'd act oblivious to the whole thing.

jamieee1979's picture

He knows I'm miserable. He said he wants to try and is on his ass Everytime he does something but he needs time to adjust. I've even said im going to leave and he says if I am miserable then to do what makes me happy. I'm truly devastated. I am angry and in turn he thinks I am treating him like crap but in reality his son is making me feel like a basket case. This is horrible.

jamieee1979's picture

And when I say he thinks I am treating him like crap I mean my boyfriend thinks I am to him not his son. I am very polite to his son.